Sometimes it all falls apart...

I really and truly an going to try to start doing this regularly. Life, as usual, has been throwing curveballs over the last few months, and aparently, I'm no catcher.

Where to begin? Well, for starters, and something that sucks but is no where near a blip on my radar, I killed my computer. Knock it off the couch, and evidentially elliptical machines and MacBooks don't occupy space together well. So, I will be doing my blogging from my phone. This being said, tryin to figure out where I last left off on my saga was just too tedious a task for me to take on at the moment. My head is swimming with words that beg to be purged.

So. *deep breath*

Bob and I are no longer together. That fact, I am okay with. To be honest I think I was more attached to the symbolism it represented; the growth and change it represented. Bob tested my values. Marriage, for example. Before meeting him, I was content to go at life a loner and make the best of it or die (likely by my own hand) trying. I had long since lost hope of meeting someone who saw value (in me) where I saw none. Bob changed and challenged my thoughts on marriage. He opened my heart to possibility; to hope. He ended up crushing that hope in the end, but I'll get to that in a bit.

Bob also showed me I have far more patience than I could have ever imagined. He tested the limits of my ability to be compassionate and selfless. He also brought about an understanding that I cannot love someone enough to make up for the love they lack for them self. In this, I feel growth: naive beliefs about love's power ahead away, but not abandoned.

So there's that.

Now the not so heartwarming chapters. We had a miscarriage in late January. I was between 9-12 weeks. Had just started those unexpected porcelain throne sessions, and was beginning to gain those lovely mommy super powers of being able to tell someone in detail what they had eaten hours before.  I had just enough time being pregnant to incision little hats, pacifiers, baby blankets, etc. Bob...well...he was terrified. It was at this point that he finally came out and shared he did not want more children, and news of our pregnancy sent him into a downward spiral of selfishness that he never did recover from. I was heartbroken. The pain during the miscarriage was nothing compared to the grief I am still dealing with. And Bob, he was there for part of day one, and then disappeared until a hormonal me called and chewed his ass out for making me endure the whole process alone.

That was the beginning of the end. Fights escalated, threats were thrown, we were on the precipice of the end, then...promises were made and things would be okay for a while.....until those promises never came to fruition...and the cycle would repeat. It was during a quite peaceful lull in our relationship that our relationship was ended. The real kick in the vag, was that he initiated this via email....you know, because we are 12, and 9 months and a miscarriage together warrants that sort of cowardice. Fun side note, I found out, and I shit you not: a day before, that I was preggers....again.

And my heart broke all over again....and will for sometime, because ultimately, given my bodies propensity to reject pregnancies, and the fact that my body wasn't recovered, and the fact that the father is a selfish dick that I want nothing more to do with...I chose to terminate. I know, judge me. I am. My heart breaks daily....my faith is shaken. Faith not only in God....but also in my own judgement.

So. Life is a bit bleak. I, ran straight into my ex's arms for meaningless sex. And have fallen back on old coping methods to get through the day. I'm so wrecked with shame and self-hatred....it's all I can do not to foolishly act on impulse....at least the life ending ones.

I'm still in therapy. I am scheduled for a psych consult next week.  I am passively suicidal and caught in a self-loathing tailspin.

On a happier note, other than sleeping with the ex (my child's father) the once, I have managed to keep at least that small bit of grace. I have gone out on a couple of coffee dates. A couple were terrible, but there has been one that kinda suprised me. In a good way. But he has a lot of patience ahead of him if he wants to pursue me. I will not get back into the pattern of being the pursuer for some time.  That was just too much. And my heart is still grieving the loss of my children.

Never ending

So I had to take a break from the blog-o-sphere...so much going on. New job, graduation, relationship....and the tilt-o-whirl that are my emotions...it was just too much to focus on.

I'm still working. I really, really love my job. I'm officially, official now....no probation, although, considering I live in an "at will employer" state, probationary periods are a bit redundant. I have benefits now: health, Rx, vision, dental...yippee.  With my hefty student loan debt, I can't afford to use them. Anyhow. My job keeps me busy. I still struggle with feeling like a hypocrite. I go into work everyday, to help people work towards mental wellness...and I am barely able to look myself in the mirror....I struggle each day just to get through the day without acting on my urges to self-destruct. For a minute, I thought I was doing better, but that was too much to hope for, and my urges to cut and impulses to do things...things that the rational part of me knows are just stupid...hit me daily like waves at high tide.

There is this new parking garage downtown. Some guys at work were talking about how people keep jumping off of it, killing themselves. It's about nine stories high. Yep, that will do it. Ever since I heard about this place, I have this deep seeded desire to drive to the top. Just to look. Just to see. Maybe hoping to scare myself...hoping that I am still scared to die...but knowing that if I ever allowed myself to let it go that far...I wouldn't be.

My boss has nicknamed my "Murphy" because "if it can go wrong, it will." So far, I've had a psychotic client burn her house down, locked myself out of my car twice (only once with a client), had my door freeze open, had my car act possessed in the presence of an agoraphobe, had one client disappear, one go to prison, and two end up in substance abuse facilities....She doesn't believe me that this is my life...that's the way my life has always been...that I just have bad luck. I feel like a toxic plague. My darkness spreading, tendril reaching out into the lives around me, turning everything they touch.

Still dating Bob. We have had our ups and downs. I found out mid-January that I was pregnant. I was super excited for the whole 2 weeks it took my body to reject the pregnancy. For those of you playing the home game, that's 2/2 in a little over two years. I'm still struggling with the lose. I may never have another child...especially if I stay with Bob, who after this whole experience has changed his "I might like to have another kid someday" to "I really don't want anymore." Needless to say I'm devastated. To stay with him means I have to give up the one thing in my life that I want: another child; a sibling for my daughter. I will never feel a life growing inside me. Never experience the pain of child birth and have it all be worth it to hold that precious bundle for the first time. Never have the joy of watching first's again. Never again. Not sure if I can have another child...but if I stay with him...it is certain.

I've been having weird dreams again. In all of them I lose my daughter...fail to keep her safe...I wake up sobbing and shaking. I feel like such a failure; a phony. My body betrays me, taking away my womanhood, my sleep, my ability to be a mother, and my sanity.

My father bought my daughter and I plane tickets to go on vacation with him and the steps this summer. Was looking forward to it, before the miscarriage...at least then I'd have an excuse to be a beached whale. No so much anymore. Thinking about it makes me nauseous. Not to mention that both of my step-sister's boyfriends got invited...so I will be stuck, watching the kids while they go out and enjoy adult time. Maybe I'll drown.

~BeFuDdLeD~

The holiday season is upon us. I wonder if I'm the only one who dreads this time of year. Not only does my sleep schedule get off-kilter  because of this day light savings nonsense (and it is already pretty screwed, so this year should be loads of fun), but my family just plain stresses me out.

I'm the first child of five. The eldest, and all that means in every sense of what Alfred Adler taught about family constellations and birth order. But, I am also the black sheep. I was the first to leave; the first to finish college AND the only, one thus far to do so with no parental support of any kind. Now I'm about to graduate from grad school (also the first)....and....my family could seemingly care less....I sent them all a text letting them know the details of commencement (I had even told both parents in face-to-face conversations), and neither parent, or members of their respective families took note. Nothing....no response, no RSVP's...then at Thanksgiving they acted surprised that I was graduating next month when I mentioned it. Don't get me wrong, mom and dad will show up on graduation day, chests puffed out, patting me on the back, grinning ear to ear....but it's all for show....and it has nothing to do with them, and they will take all the credit.

Anyhow. New job, finally. Loving it so far, as I actually get to use my degree and knowledge. I actually get to help people and make a difference in the world. Its not providing counseling in the formal sense of the word, more like casework and counseling blended, but, minus the paperwork (writing progress notes--ICK!)....I pretty much love it. Scary thing is, I probably qualify for the services that the place I work for provides....and I have listened to clients' stories and felt like they were telling my own history...I am oscillating between feeling like I can really make a difference...and feeling like a complete fake. I am thankful though. I needed something to give me hope and financial security. I hope that this is where I am meant to be for now.

Bob and I are still together....if you can call it that really. I see him, maybe once or twice a week. Not much of a relationship really. I am finding myself caring less and less. I guess God did answer my prayers. I still care about him and love him, I'm just not in love with him. I barely see him. He's not pursuing me, and I'm all burnt out pursuing him. Doesn't matter much, as he doesn't appear to notice.

Truth be told, I kind of feel lied to. He's not who I fell in love with at all anymore. At first he was funny, and attentive, and sweet. He showed me his vulnerable side, but was still dark and mysterious, and sarcastically sexy. Now....he's just kind of a downer.... He's super negative about everything. And I don't mean negative, as in "I'm unhappy and just want someone to listen so I can get it off my chest and go back to being okay"-negative...not the way I kind of am on here, so I can get it out of my system and resume life.....no, I mean he doesn't have anything positive to say....I even tried to help him find something positive to talk about tonight (the first time seeing him in I can't remember how long)....and he almost got there...he showed me some web design he was working on for his new job...but then he started tearing it down. *sigh*

Have I meantioned that I am beginning to be terrified about meeting his kids because of the way he talks about them?? And I LOVE kids!! He rarely has anything nice to say about them....and having had little-to-no interaction with them this far, as per his request...all I can picture are dysfunctional, misbehaved, little terrors who have no discipline, manners, or boundaries base on his description of his time with them....I don't do the whole no discipline/respect thing.

My child is amazingly well-behaved. Sure, she has her moments, but, anymore, they amuse me.  I use the love and logic style of parenting which allows her to be responsible for her choices and I get to be a guiding influence instead of a ball of anger being the enforcer or a tired mess trying to be the puppeteer. Bob talks about not being able to do anything else but chase after the kids and try and keep them from "killing each other" when he has them....I just can't fathom being like that. So I am torn between wanting to meet them and be a model for him....kind of boost his parenting self-esteem and prove to him it can be done, and they will still love you, even if they don't like you all the time...and wanting to "peace out" and run for the hills.

Mostly, I feel sorry for the kids, because, for his accounts, it doesn't sound like they are getting any sense of responsibility for self or self control....I predict some very stressful teenage years are ahead for their parents....and do I really want that influence on my own kid? I would hope she'd be a good influence on them...but...why chance it?

I don't know. The more I think about a future with him...the less I see him in my future...(hell, it's not like I see him much now anyhow, and we're only 4 months into the relationship)....I think I might just like him as a friend or "F" buddy....he just isn't...he isn't reliable...and everything in this relationship is still all on his time...when he wants to/has energy/has nothing else to do.....I doubt he will even remember my birthday, as he has yet to show any capability of forethought or planning. I am getting really, really close to walking away...without saying goodbye.

And I hate that he is making a liar out of me. Part of me is really starting to hate him a little....or at least resent him a bit. I am trying so hard not to be the person I have been in relationships in the past...the one who walks away when it gets rough....I have told him....promised him... I'm not going anywhere....and I want to be with him....but he's not who I fell in love with...I don't love the man he is right now...this depressed, pathetic, shell...and he's not doing anything I can see to make his situation better....instead he has become more bitter...and hateful....just plain mean in the comments he makes sometimes....

I just don't know what to do. I want to be there for him. He doesn't seem to want me, or won't let me be....

I'm not going to put my life on hold. If I find someone who is better for me....I just might take that chance....and I don't think Bob will even care....or notice...sadly.

"Real loss... only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself." Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting

So, I am back. Again.

Funny how I just told my T this week that I haven't been writing...haven't really felt the need...or motivation...or passion...I don't write when things are going okay....I guess it's the artist in me. Great writing...not that mine will ever be considered great...but it's hard to enjoy art: writing, music, painting...if it isn't fueled by passion...and my passion comes from pain...So I guess, pain is a blessing...???

"When you're happy you enjoy the music, when you're sad you understand the lyrics."-Frank Ocean

I'm...conflicted and hurting....I cried myself to sleep last night....shortly after I prayed. Shit. Just. Got. Real.

I prayed that God either let me stop loving Bob....or allow Bob to understand that he's not treating me right and change his heart. And as much as I would love to have faith that God was listening....and will allow me what I really want: Bob to stop treating me as an option...stop putting me on the back burner...Stop taking for granted that I'm not going anywhere (he has an admitted habit of self-sabotage)..and to treat me the way I deserve (yea, I said it! I deserve to be treated as if I matter)....I have a feeling that as per usual with my requests to The Big Guy, I will remain unheard....my prayers unanswered....and as with every father figure....and hell... every man that has ever been in my life, period...I will remain insignificant, unimportant....and a foot note.

But I want to have faith....I want to believe that I am worth it....that Bob will get it...go back to being the man I fell in love with. The man who wanted to be here...and I knew it because he was. He was here, without excuse. He made plans, on his own, without reminder, to spend time with me. He made time. He had his priorities right, and I was close to the top...He did what he had to do to be here...and it felt amazing. I felt important. 

I want to have faith...I want to be patient. I have a history of walking away....pushing people away....because if you never let anyone in, there are no expectations....no chance of getting hurt...no disappointments. But I don't want to do that with Bob. I want to be better for him....and I have never been with anyone that made me want that. I haven't cut in almost 10 weeks....although it's not for him....it's because I want to be better because of him....at least the him that I fell so head-over-heels in love with....THAT him....the attentive man who paid attention to detail...enjoyed learning about me...allowed me to learn about him...shared his darkest secrets...was vulnerable (how is it that men still don't understand that being honestly and genuinely vulnerable with a women is sexier than the best sex or most passionate kiss?) with me.

I constantly I'm in a double bind in this relationship. If I walk away, tell him I'm not happy, tell him how I feel....he goes into victim mode (low self esteem issues I know all too much about, first hand and personally): "I'm not worth her time" "She deserves better." "I just need to let her go, I want her to be happy, and I can't make her happy."....and then I hurt for being selfish...for being demanding...for being unhappy....I am the bad guy.....Mind you, he's never actually told me I'm being selfish, am too much work, am demanding, but the subtext of his victim/martyr mode tells me these things....push my defensive button of beating myself up....And if I say nothing...I remain unhappy, but I have him....when it's convenient....for him....

And I feel alone....and more insignificant than if I was not in a relationship. Like being in a room full of people, and yet none of them look at you...talk to you...or acknowledge your existence.....and even though it hasn't quite become that extreme with him....I often wonder if I stop making it easy for him, if anything would change for the better: If I stopped asking to skype...asking when I can see him....texting him....if I matched the effort he's putting in...stopped making him a priority in my life...what would become of us?

What is really concerning is that I have been thinking about doing the most out-of-character, hurtful things. Like saying things, that may be true, but would push all of his buttons at once....or cheating on him with my ex..because if I'm going to feel insignificant, I may as well get good sex out of it....and the fact that if I called my ex...he'd actually drop everything to be here for me....sex or no....But that's not who I want to be. I don't want to self-destruct. I don't want to hurt Bob. I love him. But I'm hurting...he's hurting me....and I want him to feel it too....maybe then he would try...would fix it....but that's unrealistic....that only happens in soap operas and teen melodramas. 

And so begins another extensive stretch that I won't be able to see him. Last time was ten days....and it wasn't that we couldn't have seen each other....it was that he didn't make time to come to me...and I had my child...making going to him impossible.

This weekend he's going out of town, so I won't even get to see him for the hour during Sunday service....and then he has his kids until next Thursday. I haven't seen him in two...and not because he had his children, but because he didn't care enough to make the time. He goofed off, didn't do what he needed to do, didn't think ahead, and so his excuses appeared to be reasonable and valid at first glance: "I have homework" "I need to do x, y, and z" "I'm tired" (uh..yeah! you wouldn't be if you didn't dick around on the computer until 1am doing nothing productive, duh!), but then I notice the amount of time throughout the day that he plays games online...or takes the time to find something funny to post on Facebook...and I realize that his excuses...his lack of doing what he needs to do thing...manage his time wisely....is just another validation of how low on his list I am....

.... And so.....I'm beginning to realize that if he wanted to be with me....he would be here....with me.
And yet, I keep hoping that he will surprise me....even with the smallest of gestures....and be reliable...and consistent....and I think that's what hurting me the most....the hope...and then the fall: getting disappointed.

So I will continue to pray, unheard prayers....and cry myself to sleep.

Hard to walk with broken legs

I'm still not sure what the T wants me to write. In our session Monday she asked if I deserve to be happy. That questions has been bouncing around in my head/heart, ever since. I know, rationally, that of course I do deserve to be happy....that I can't come up with an action or event in my life that would make me unworthy of being happy....but it's still hard to accept. My internal dialogue tears that question apart: If you were worthy why did 'it all' happen? Why is your life so difficult? Why...why...why?

I guess it feels as though I'm being punished...since....since I was little....for something. I can't believe in a higher power....who would allow such things to happen....to continue to let such things happen....over and over....and maybe I wasn't meant to survive....surely no one with this history....this pain.... is meant to live with it...

The therapist tells me I'm strong; I'm a survivor....and to be honest, I would feel much more successful in surviving and beating a terminal illness...some physical cancer, than how I feel grasping at straws, struggling.....to hold on to...what? What am I holding on to/for? At least if the illness were physical there would be an end....a halt....a period of remission...a time when the fight was over...It would end me or I would defeat it....but that's not how my reality....my life....my story....goes.

Over and over, time and time again...I crawl...broken...bruised...up one mountain...out of the darkness...hoping to find sanctuary...my Shangri-La at the peak...something to make the fight...the battle...the war... worth it...only to find an massif blocking out sun. I only just climb to my feet before I'm crawling again. I feel as though, each time...I lose a part of myself....piece by piece, trial by trial....my skin is worn away....shredded...and I am....broken.

I guess...whether or not I am deserving of happiness...doesn't seem to be...doesn't feel like it's in my control. I treat myself the way I was taught. How I think of myself is a reflection of that. And even in my moments of strength...where I just think, "Fuck it, I'm not going to let it get me down...I'm going to make this work..." I'm still alone. And eventually the loneliness gets me. Because....who wants to win a battle...who wants to beat a cancer...when there is no one to share your life with?

"You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Another therapy session today. For those of you playing the home game, that's three this week. Feeling particularly volatile at the moment. Fairly sure my therapist is terrified....welcome to my world....now try taking those feelings of fear for/of someone else and feeling them about yourself. Quite the paradox.

I'm such a mess right now. I don't know how to put into words quite what I am feeling. I tried to reach out to Bob....let him in....let him know just how deeply I am hurting right now....and I screwed it up. I said some things that I knew were hurtful...no matter how true....they shouldn't have been said. I tried all day to reach out to him....without telling him directly that I needed him....needed a shoulder to cry on....someone to tell me everything will be okay...and he ignored it....instead asked why I was upset with him. When we finally spoke directly about why I was so "upset"....it all came spilling out... the anger at him ignoring my needs....when I have been there for him....but it wasn't just anger at him...it was anger at everyone that has done that to me....which....is everyone....every person I have ever tried to trust...tried to rely on....tried to be close to....I am there for them....and when I need someone....they aren't there....except one....but we've gone there already...

And instead of listening...he got defensive....belittled me...basically scolded me for being passive-aggressive.....called me a child....and when I'm being direct, telling him what I need...what I expect...what I want...I'm selfish...he belittles me...makes me feel as if I'm not deserving of getting my needs met. I snapped. Broke down. Let it all out.

I told him how I'm feeling. What I have been struggling with...what the voices in my head tell me daily...what I keep hidden from most....from all....even from my best friend...

It is getting harder to see any way out...or that things will ever be better....I'm already down....why does the world continue to kick me?....

I want it all to stop. I'm tired....tired of hurting and being hurt....and that part of me that is fighting back....is losing....and I'm scared....and hurting more than I thought possible....and I just want it to stop. I don't know how else to take control....don't know what else I can do....to make things better.

I haven't self-harmed in a long time. I can't remember when last...I've been to scared to....afraid to get carried away....it used to work so well...but now it's tied to disappointing....Bob....and I don't want to disappoint him....I want to be better for him....but I'm not. I'm not good for him at all. All I have done is make him miserable.....made him hate me....resent me....I'm no good for anyone....

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” ― Maya Angelou

As part of my therapy I am supposed to journal; when I'm struggling with emotions....when my head is filled with nonsense, darkness, and all things that haunt and hurt, my therapist has requested that I write them down...I'm not sure that she quite understands the battle in my heart and head....the moments when I am not struggling would be easier to document...the brief silence between battles...intermission, if you will. But to take time and document them would ruin the interlude. I really have no clue what she's expecting. What she wants me to write...

How am I feeling? Tired...insignificant...useless...unwanted...alone...empty...sad...hurt...betrayed....angry....an endless list of adjective....meaningless without context.....and with context....still meaningless...because I am unimportant...invisible....

Maybe I should just tell you what's going on in my life...

I have stopped going to church group. I haven't gone in a couple of weeks. I felt like a square peg in a world with only round doors...trapped. I didn't fit in. That last week that I went, I got there early, as per usual....picked my seat carefully...in a corner where I could see everyone and the exit was easily accessible...and waited. Others started arriving and made small talk. I was friendly, smiling, trying to participate...but as soon as enough others arrived, I was shut out...ignored...left sitting alone. The only reason anyone eventually sat next to me was when there was no other option. Complete blow to my self-esteem. Trying something new. Trying to reach out....make new connections....trying to find some place that I fit in...and as usual....I find nothing for me....no place where I fit.....square peg in a circle world.

My relationship with Bob is strained....has been for sometime. And I should mention, bloggerland, that I did tell him about this blog....and I think he reads it though I am not sure. I am afraid to ask, I guess. So, going into...all that is strained....I have been quite reserved about it. Afraid that hashing out my inner most thoughts....admitting....putting them into words...will hurt him...hurt us....end us....and that's the last thing I want. It would crush me. And, I don't know that I would be able to deal with that and everything else. But....I am supposed to write it down...so...I will try....and maybe he won't read it...or maybe he will and get it....I don't know....I care...I don't want him to think badly of me....I was stupid to share this place with him....this place that knows my insecurities...my darkest thoughts....deepest hurts....its a wonder he hasn't pushed me away sooner.

I have never felt important. I have never felt like I matter...never felt accepted, loved, wanted....needed...to anyone....no, that's wrong. I take that back. There was one person who loved me. My grandmother. Even when I finally told her about my self injury....only a few years before she died....she didn't say anything, only held me and told me that things would get better. She had hope....she had strength....enough for both of us....and I trusted her...with all my heart...life and being. She didn't judge me...never....never once showed judgement, unkindness....only encouragement, love, kindness...she believed in me. I was important to her. And I feel like a failure. If she could see me now...I don't even want to think about it. Would she think so much of me? I fear she would not.

Other than her....I have not felt like my life meant anything to anyone. I have tried to find happiness with in myself. Do all the things "they"...the world, society, my parents, friends, family....everything "they" say will lead to a happy, successful, meaningful existence: work hard, be kind, care for others, treat them well, judge not, go to school, fall in love....and yet, here I am....an unhappy failure.

I have tried to love....let others in...so many, many times. And I have loved....hard, with all my heart....pure, kind, non-judgmental love. Accepting of so many flaw, loving the flaws the most in the end....and I am never enough...I am never "the one"....I have never been loved in kind...I know life isn't a fairytale....Hell, I know life isn't rose colored....isn't kind....it's fair....life sucks. But, I don't want it to. I want to find love. I want to be loved. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don't love myself....don't see much worth loving. Despite my best efforts, my life....is a disappointment.

I want someone to see me as someone worth loving. My whole life....even how I see myself has been shaped by what others think...so much so that I don't know where their voices end and mine begins....do I even have a voice of my own?...did I ever?....or has my past devoured it? I don't remember ever thinking something about myself that wasn't influenced by what others thought....said....showed me....

After my daughter's father....I put my heart on lock down. Built walls....didn't let anyone in. Wouldn't. Threw away the key...burnt the map...focus on doing it alone....doing it all alone. Working towards my goal: undergraduate degree, despite being told I wouldn't be able to....then to grad school...I've spent much of the past six years unemployed trying to make it through school and raise my child...rarely asking for help....feeling ashamed when i had to....and thouroughly shamed by my family when I have asked.....always a tally kept....a record of my failures that they use to shame me...use my guilt against me....

...and then along came Bob. Hope. Light at the end of the tunnel. Life. Kindness. Acceptance of my secrets. And I resisted. I wanted to run, shut him out, scare him away, but I didn't. Remember thinking...that I'd come to a crossroad. That I had a conscious choice to make: to escape or give in and take a chance on being hurt, disappointed. And I chose the later. I chose him.

I chose to take a chance on love....allow him to love me....allow myself to love him, to get attached....to want a future...a future with him in it. Allowed myself to hope....hope for happiness...hope for security....love....hope for things to change...for the pain and pressure to ease...for everything I've been through to be worth it in the end....And that thought... that HOPE......it terrifies me to my core...I am not worth loving...I don't deserve it...but I gave into that little, tiny....voice...the faintest voice inside my head...and heart....I let him in....

He pursued me so hard in the beginning. There was rarely a day when he didn't reach out. Tell me he was thinking of me, he was even the first to admit the "L" word....I felt his love...his pride in loving me and being loved by me....We shared secrets. I felt vulnerable, but it felt right....I was getting what I gave....he was an open book...said what he was feeling....sharing with me....and then he stopped. Stopped sharing, stopped pursuing, stopped reaching out....he just stopped.

....and some part of me feels betrayed....and angry..... I feel exposed....vulnerable....and I want it to stop. ....hurt.... angry at him....but mostly at myself for being so stupid. For letting myself fall for him. Every survival instinct...every cell of my body is screaming to shut down, turn it off....run away...forget him, write him off. But that's not what my heart wants. I want to love and be loved. and still my head rages on....I'm stupid for taking a chance....taking a risk....walking into it....I did this to myself...I deserve the misery...I made my bed....so stupid....who was i kidding....who could love me....I'm broken...insignificant....bad...dark....evil....I am not worthy of love....but why? why do I not get to be loved? why are all the good things in my life fleeting?

Things with he an I....I don't know....they're just....complicated...I don't know if this is how its supposed to be....I just feel so much distance between us....I don't like it....it makes me sad...I finally told him that I do want a future with him in it....and he seemed relieved....and for about a day, I felt close to him. We talked. We laughed. We enjoyed each others company. I felt like he want to be there. And I haven't really felt that since. I'm still the one trying to be with him....and I'm not feeling like there's much come back to me....He doesn't make plans to see me...he doesn't call....doesn't say hi or leave a message on FB, though I know he's on there most of the day playing games.... I feel like he's ashamed of me....lord knows I deserve that...but that doesn't make it hurt any less....It all makes me feel like the crazy stalker girlfriend.....but if I don't make contact...he won't...we'll drift apart.....and he'll just assume I'm pushing him away....and that will be the end of us....I don't know what to do....damned if I do...damned if I don't....kind of an over-arching theme of my life....

Makes me think of my child. The best thing I have ever done....I would die for her. I would kill for her...she deserves a chance....she deserves the world. She deserves better. And I have tried...am trying to make myself better for her.....but I don't feel as though I am succeeding. I am so afraid that what is wrong with me will bleed into her....that her life...will end up just like mine.

I have been pulling away from her lately....emotionally at least. I tell her she is smart, that she is beautiful...that I love her...I tell her everyday.....I hold her...I take care of her....make sure she always has what she needs, and even a little of what she wants...teach her right and wrong....I make sure she can't see my pain...and.... I can't feel the love for her anymore. I know that I do....more than anything else in this world I love my daughter....but I'm afraid to feel it; Afraid that if I do she will be taken away from me. That I will lose her. Everything I have ever truly and deeply loved has been lost....

God....who ever is in charge...whatever that force is that shapes the universe....keeps things in balance...continues existence....I am afraid, it would take her...the best thing I have ever done....would take her out of my life...I certainly don't deserve her. She is perfect. She is smart and kind and beautiful inside and out....so innocent....everything I should have been given the chance to be. And I'm so afraid I'll ruin it for her....so afraid I'll ruin her....just like my mother....father...God....step parents....their family....did to me....