It happens in threes

Can I please catch a break?!?!?

Friday on my way to work in civilization my car engine decided to self destruct. I bought the car for a little under $2,500 used last March and have babied it all year. It was the first car I haven't had help of any kind in finding and/or buying.....and it died. AND.....A new motor is about $3,000....

I have a refund check coming, so I will have the money, but do I go ahead and buy a new engine or get a different used car?? I can't seem to find the later....and my guy friend who advises me on my car doesn't want me to spend the money on my baby....so I have no clue what to do. But I have to have a car or I can't work.....

I'm currently using my little brother's old beater....no AC....no cruise control....threatens to realign your spine when you go over 45.....terrible car.....

Just before this catastrophe I found out that my daughter got accepted into head start. She's so excited. I'm so excited for her.....the problem is it's in civilization....and now...because of the car expenses, we are stranded in nowheresville for a while longer....

To top it all off....I'm sick as hell. I haven't felt this bad since I was preggo. My head feels like it's going to explode..my throat and ears hurt, I have coughing fits, my nose is stuffed.....I'm drowning in my own mucus....HELP!!

I'm waiting for the third shoe to drop....we had a quiz this evening in class.....totally didn't pass....the teacher told us what to study...and then only about three things she told us about was on there.....to top it off I was pretty drugged up to be able to make it to the quiz....so I know I bombed.

Something isn't right

I have no idea what is going on with me today, but it isn't right.

I have had a short fuse since the moment I woke up. I feel like putting fist through a wall would be a great idea right now....even now just clinching them makes my blood boil, and there is nothing to be angry about....not one thing....

Everything is too much for me to process. My brain feels like it is working three speeds too slow. I can't comprehend......anything.....

I keep getting these attacks of sensory overload that make me want both scream and run and hide in a dark corner. The sound of my daughter laughing at the TV in the next room and the dog chewing on his bone at my feet is making my skin crawl.....

I can't concentrate. Everything is a distraction. I get distracted so many times I can't remember what I was doing in the first place.

I have felt panicky all day. Like one little thing is going to send me into cold sweats and hyperventilation.

I'm exhausted, despite the 8 hours of sleep I got last night... and yet, I'm jittery at the same time....my head is in a pre-migraine ache phase and my throat feels like I have attempted to swallow walnuts-- shell and all--and failed. My whole body is buzzing, but I could fall dead asleep in a matter of seconds if I tried....

something is not right........not at all.....and I want to cut to make it all stop.

Still here....sorta....

Classes are back in full swing. Yay, summer school.....or....not....

You'd think when you're doing it by choice it would be much more enjoyable....yeah.....not so much. The first night of classes sent me into panic attacks the whole 45 minute drive home.

My first class really isn't that bad. All of 10 people, myself included, signed up for the course....most of which I know already from other courses....so it was pretty laid back....we played some silly name game so the prof. could attempt to keep us all straight....

The second class....well, let's just say....it wasn't so laid back. There are twice as many people, and remember the know-it-all, loud-mouth from last semester?? She's there and she brought friends.

Actually, no, they aren't friends, but there are 4 of them....exact same personality traits....

And the prof....she lost her mind come the second class....she decided to allow "us" to make our own syllabus.....the "us" turned into the 4 arguing for an hour and a half about what "they think we should do" and how "they don't have time for 'this that and the other' kind of evaluation of your acquired knowledge from the class." It was too much for me. There was chaos....complete sensory overload...and a week later, we still don't have a syllabus...

It's an Assessments course, btw. We are supposed to be learning about how to give inventories, surveys, and the like....and learn to evaluate said assessments for validity...very technical and not alot of fun, but a necessity in the field. We are supposed to take the MMPI that will be computer scored and write a report about what we find out.....I'm so screwed.

I'm hoping the teacher doesn't expect us to be honest. I've heard many-o conspiracy theory about the MMPI.....basically, according to it, everyone has some sort of disorder.....and that's the normal population......should I save them the trouble and commit myself now, or wait and make them work for it?

no clue

I really wish I had something interesting to talk about. The vaca. from classes has been very....well.....what's the opposite of interesting times a million??

I have pretty much worked, ate, and attempted to sleep for the past....how long has it been since my last post??? I swear I didn't forget about bloggerland!! Life has just been mundane.

I had a dream last night....my sleep cycle is so off. I will fall asleep, have vivid, crazy dreams, then wake after about 2 hours of sleep. Once I wake I feel like I have slept 8 hours, so I'm up for a couple of hours....finally forcing myself to sleep waking a few hours later to get ready for work feeling like I could sleep for days. It's starting to really mess with me.

Anyway, I had a dream last night...me and my kiddo and dog are out on the family farm (dad's)....and they get attacked by his horses and dogs. So he goes and brings them too me. I'm freaking out because they are both terribly hurt. I tell him I am taking the kiddo to the hospital and he needs to take the dog to the animal hospital....then he gets mad because "the dog can wait" and I tell him I need him to do what I asked and he walks away telling me that I can deal with it on my own.....I woke up panting and angry as hell....

Right now....well, I'm typing on here, but I just got finished having the best belly laugh watching WipeOut. That show is great for some no brainer, gut tickling, laughter.

Work is going well, but I don't think I will be able to stay on there. I don't know what I will do. I really love my job.

My child is in the irrational fear stage, and for this control freak....I am about ready to sell her to the gypsies! She cries every time I leave her at the sitters, or every time I mention her having to go to the sitters....she cries when we have to leave gramma's house or daddy's house....she cries every time she even thinks about them. It's like living with a preggo, I swear. I have tried talking to her, trying to reassure her that everything is okay; she's okay....god, I don't want her to have my anxiety. I don't know what to do.

On another note...the floors are starting to rot in the room with the roof leak....and the mold is having a blast multiplying. It's totally disgusting. I'm so ready to move. My parent's/landlords know of the problem and still have done nothing to fix it. As soon as the refund check from school is in my bank we are outta here. Even I have standards....

Classes start next Monday....I'm sure to have some good material then...right??? There has to be more than this....

Meaning?

Just woke up from a brief flash type dream. Almost makes me want to go back to it. I haven't thought about these people in ages....especially not him.....

In it, I had arrived at a house to pick up a girl friend from high school (K) with another old girl friends from school (E), and my boyfriend from high school (M). We were at a house where K was living with one of my former friends (T).

K was my best friend IRL, until high school happened....I haven't heard from or seen her since graduation. E is now in the army, and wasn't really friends with my other friends....as in they never hung out....she always said they were immature, which, I'll admit they were. T was an on again off again friend. She was very immature. She was your friend when it was in her best interest, but would stab you in the back....also, when it was in her best interest. She was in love with M....and in the end, when M and I broke up, he dated her for a few years, which completely broke my heart.

M was the first love of my life. We began our cat and mouse flirtations in 5th grade. He was really smart...like, scary smart. He was crass, boisterous, and honest to a fault. He was a little dark as well. Kind of mean, to be honest. He was a bully, but not one of the popular guys. I think that was the biggest attraction, even at the ripe age of 11. We were "boyfriend/girlfriend" throughout middle school and until about halfway through high school. The longer we were together the more possessive he became, which didn't bother me.

I experienced all my firsts with him....well....no....not technically...but my consensual firsts anyway. He knew me. Knew my dark side....he knew about my abuse when I was little, and was the first to know about my cutting...and, though it scared him, he didn't shun me for it. His possessiveness became abuse, as it usually does, but that, too, was okay with me. At the time it seemed like a fair exchange for protection and love. I knew that he wouldn't allow anyone else to hurt me as long as I was his.

Back to the dream..... he and I were waiting on he porch waiting for E to get K. He was sitting on the porch swing and I was awkwardly standing next to the swing, looking in the window. There were no words, just his smile...a combination of darkness and lust. T came out and started flirting.....I rolled my eyes and turned away from them. And he reached out and grabbed me, pulled me in to his lap and held me. In the dream my anxiety and tension melted away. I relaxed...floating in the feeling

...and then I woke up..... startled, gasping, heart pounding.....

What does it mean? Can it be that I still love him??...I haven't thought about him with anything but detest since high school....I guess I had forgotten what it felt like in those moments with him...Do I miss that comfort that he gave me?....knowing that both protection and punishment came from the same hand? Knowing that I was his? That he would never let anyone else hurt me? Knowing that I wasn't alone? That I had found a soul as damaged as mine?.....

I miss him....and I know that is all wrong....morbid....unhealthy..... it's been so many years...he's married now....she looks surprisingly like my doppelganger.....tiny little stick of a blond. I wonder if he ever thinks of me?

I'm so lonely. Every relationship I have ever been in after M has felt wrong. Like the guys were too good for me. Their lives consisted of parents still happily married, church on Sundays, and family dinners. I have never quite felt the same about another guy as I did for him....still haven't.

What's wrong with me???

Shut down

So the parent's are fighting again. My dad has moved out to his farm and into his camper, once again. Someone at his work contacted step-mom and told her that his ex lover was taking a day off, and that was all step-mom needed to start the drama all over again.....I mean, I get it, I do. I don't mean to sound callous. I was cheated on. I know what it feels like to not be able to trust the one you love. I know the weight of constant wonder and paranoia....but I left him....she won't.

Dad stopped by to let me know what was going on....and it's hard not to feel sorry for him. I'm not heartless....I know we all make mistakes....and I really want to believe him when he says nothing is going on with the other woman. I almost do....but I know....he lied for a long time, but he's my dad. And he actually cried. And I can't take that. He even swore on my grandmother's grave, which isn't something I take lightly, and he knows it. She was my best friend.....I wouldn't forgive him if he broke that promise.

The tornado sirens just went off a few minutes ago.....I looked outside....watched the town empty...the gas station shut down...are we in the basement....HELL NO! There is about a foot of water standing in the basement. There will be a tornado nipping at my heels before we dive into that mess. The sub-pump can't keep up with the ground water seeping in, yet alone the three inches that got dumped on us in the last hour. But it was fun to watch the townspeople scatter like ants. :)

Isolationsville is litterally in the middle of nowhere, so we could probably see a tornado coming if it were for real. Not that it would matter much. We live next to the water tower(like the condensation off it in the summer waters my lawn...WAY too damn close), so if there were a tornado, and it hit my house, we'd drown anyway.

"Narcotics cannot still the tooth that nibbles the soul"--Emily Dickinson

I about completely lost it at work yesterday. All it took was one of those brats sucker punching me in the eye and he about got launched. My anger boiled over and I had to take a smoke break. Why am I so angry?....well, apart from getting smacked around by a four year old brat....of course...normally that wouldn't have hit such a nerve....

My own child has been going through what I hope is a phase. I really don't know what to do about it. She has been having thirty minute to an hour melt down....not a tantrum, mind you, just sobbing...after I drop her off at the sitter's (my cousin's). Then she proceeds to whine all day on top of playing dumb when asked to do simple tasks--like put toys away. This coming from the kid who has been reading since she was three. My cousin mentioned this "problem" yesterday. Wanted to know how to deal with it....I told her I haven't the faintest idea...she does this at home too.

The other day, we went grocery shopping. I had my arms full, but managed to get her door open and asked her to unbuckle. She had a melt down.....this from the child who days before excitedly unbuckled and bounced all over the back seat mid-highway because she saw a hot air balloon. Suddenly she was sobbing, "I can't" in a whine that sends shivers down my spine like fingernails down a chalkboard. I don't get it...*sigh*

I don't coddle her. I talk to her like she's just a little person...don't get me wrong, I love to cuddle, but she's never been a cuddler. Since she could crawl she's never been afraid to wander off and explore on her own. I always thought this was a good thing...that I had raised a confident, secure little kiddo. Now...it's like she's going backwards....and it worries me.

I feel better since my bic dis assembly expedition. I haven't had the urge to harm myself. I am, however, noticing symptoms of depression...which worries me.

I haven't been depressed since my daughter was born. I was on about 10 different med's for a couple of years before I had her trying to find an anti-depressant/mood stabilizer/anti-anxiety mix that didn't make me crazier than I felt. My symptoms were terrible back then....and the side effects were worse. I hurt myself daily. I wanted to die. I wanted to be numb. I wanted to sleep forever.