Just another rant

Popping on again. Not doing too well. My head is a mess. I'm physically exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well for a while now. Resorted to sleeping on the couch, because I seem to stay asleep at least on the couch. In bed I toss and turn and wake up every two hours.

Feeling pretty low. Still going to church. Really trying to embrace the experience....let go of some of my crap...not sure I'm doing it right. I'm getting more comfortable actually going on Sunday. The crowd doesn't bother me as much, just not feeling the spirit of it all.

Bob and I are still together. We've run into some problems in the bedroom that I am having a hard time not internalizing. But we're remaining mostly open and honest about it. He doesn't seem to believe me that I'm not in this for the sex. I could go without, as long as I get to spend time with him....which I think is about to be our next issue to navigate. The time we get to spend together is...seems....so far in between as it is. I have full custody of my daughter, and he only recently met her. I still haven't met his children which he has joint (little less than 50/50) custody of. So I we can't "be seen together" or spend time together, if his children are around. That makes going to church with him quite a bugger. He doesn't want to put them through any more stuff at the moment after his ex started dating, got engaged, and married in an 8 month span.....completely understandable. I totally respect that....and am actually kind of reserved about meeting them, because I fear his and my parenting styles won't be the same and I really can't stand to see parent/child relationships where the kids rule the roost because one or both parents are stuck in their own guilt. We're also both in school, so while homework isn't intense for me at the moment, it is for him.

And then......he goes and gets a dog....*sigh* Don't get me wrong, I love, love, LOVE animals, especially dogs. I still cry when I think about our dog and how we had to give him to a new home when we moved to civilization. I love dogs, and dogs love me. But....he can barely keep up with his children.....and he adds a dog?! Who isn't house-trained and has lived in a shelter for god knows how long?!?! *sigh* The night he thought he was going to get the dog he didn't want me to come over because it might stress the dog out. Then he told me he was afraid the dog might like me more....*eye roll* And I can just see it, next I won't be able to come over and spend a few hours with him because the dog has been kenneled up all day and needs his attention.....

And I know I shouldn't be resentful....I know I shouldn't....it's just....we don't talk like we did in the beginning. We don't text. He doesn't send me sweet messages. I just feel like he's pulling away....and I'm falling farther and farther down his list of life's priorities....and it feels rotten. It's like he doesn't really want me to become part of his life. Like he's only made a small space in his life for me....like a box I don't quite fit into....and he's shoving more things in this already crowded box....

And it's kind of breaking my heart. Because I haven't allowed anyone close to me like I have him in a long, long time. I had become content with the fact that I was going to make a go at life alone: complete school, raise my kid, have a career, even have another child with donor sperm if the fancy struck.....I was okay with all that. I've never seen marriage work....I had gotten to the point where I just wasn't really looking anymore.....And then he came along. And although I was terrified....I had started to feel pretty comfortable....I'd even began to have thoughts like: "maybe marriage isn't a fool's contract"....and...."you know...I could see a future with this guy....maybe even marriage"......and now.....I still feel like that....but my head is trying to protect my heart and screaming at me to re-build my walls so I don't get hurt.

I don't know what to do....I want to just sit and cry.....but I don't trust myself to be able to handle that very well....