Hard to walk with broken legs

I'm still not sure what the T wants me to write. In our session Monday she asked if I deserve to be happy. That questions has been bouncing around in my head/heart, ever since. I know, rationally, that of course I do deserve to be happy....that I can't come up with an action or event in my life that would make me unworthy of being happy....but it's still hard to accept. My internal dialogue tears that question apart: If you were worthy why did 'it all' happen? Why is your life so difficult? Why...why...why?

I guess it feels as though I'm being punished...since....since I was little....for something. I can't believe in a higher power....who would allow such things to happen....to continue to let such things happen....over and over....and maybe I wasn't meant to survive....surely no one with this history....this pain.... is meant to live with it...

The therapist tells me I'm strong; I'm a survivor....and to be honest, I would feel much more successful in surviving and beating a terminal illness...some physical cancer, than how I feel grasping at straws, struggling.....to hold on to...what? What am I holding on to/for? At least if the illness were physical there would be an end....a halt....a period of remission...a time when the fight was over...It would end me or I would defeat it....but that's not how my reality....my life....my story....goes.

Over and over, time and time again...I crawl...broken...bruised...up one mountain...out of the darkness...hoping to find sanctuary...my Shangri-La at the peak...something to make the fight...the battle...the war... worth it...only to find an massif blocking out sun. I only just climb to my feet before I'm crawling again. I feel as though, each time...I lose a part of myself....piece by piece, trial by trial....my skin is worn away....shredded...and I am....broken.

I guess...whether or not I am deserving of happiness...doesn't seem to be...doesn't feel like it's in my control. I treat myself the way I was taught. How I think of myself is a reflection of that. And even in my moments of strength...where I just think, "Fuck it, I'm not going to let it get me down...I'm going to make this work..." I'm still alone. And eventually the loneliness gets me. Because....who wants to win a battle...who wants to beat a cancer...when there is no one to share your life with?

"You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Another therapy session today. For those of you playing the home game, that's three this week. Feeling particularly volatile at the moment. Fairly sure my therapist is terrified....welcome to my world....now try taking those feelings of fear for/of someone else and feeling them about yourself. Quite the paradox.

I'm such a mess right now. I don't know how to put into words quite what I am feeling. I tried to reach out to Bob....let him in....let him know just how deeply I am hurting right now....and I screwed it up. I said some things that I knew were hurtful...no matter how true....they shouldn't have been said. I tried all day to reach out to him....without telling him directly that I needed him....needed a shoulder to cry on....someone to tell me everything will be okay...and he ignored it....instead asked why I was upset with him. When we finally spoke directly about why I was so "upset"....it all came spilling out... the anger at him ignoring my needs....when I have been there for him....but it wasn't just anger at him...it was anger at everyone that has done that to me....which....is everyone....every person I have ever tried to trust...tried to rely on....tried to be close to....I am there for them....and when I need someone....they aren't there....except one....but we've gone there already...

And instead of listening...he got defensive....belittled me...basically scolded me for being passive-aggressive.....called me a child....and when I'm being direct, telling him what I need...what I expect...what I want...I'm selfish...he belittles me...makes me feel as if I'm not deserving of getting my needs met. I snapped. Broke down. Let it all out.

I told him how I'm feeling. What I have been struggling with...what the voices in my head tell me daily...what I keep hidden from most....from all....even from my best friend...

It is getting harder to see any way out...or that things will ever be better....I'm already down....why does the world continue to kick me?....

I want it all to stop. I'm tired....tired of hurting and being hurt....and that part of me that is fighting back....is losing....and I'm scared....and hurting more than I thought possible....and I just want it to stop. I don't know how else to take control....don't know what else I can do....to make things better.

I haven't self-harmed in a long time. I can't remember when last...I've been to scared to....afraid to get carried away....it used to work so well...but now it's tied to disappointing....Bob....and I don't want to disappoint him....I want to be better for him....but I'm not. I'm not good for him at all. All I have done is make him miserable.....made him hate me....resent me....I'm no good for anyone....

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” ― Maya Angelou

As part of my therapy I am supposed to journal; when I'm struggling with emotions....when my head is filled with nonsense, darkness, and all things that haunt and hurt, my therapist has requested that I write them down...I'm not sure that she quite understands the battle in my heart and head....the moments when I am not struggling would be easier to document...the brief silence between battles...intermission, if you will. But to take time and document them would ruin the interlude. I really have no clue what she's expecting. What she wants me to write...

How am I feeling? Tired...insignificant...useless...unwanted...alone...empty...sad...hurt...betrayed....angry....an endless list of adjective....meaningless without context.....and with context....still meaningless...because I am unimportant...invisible....

Maybe I should just tell you what's going on in my life...

I have stopped going to church group. I haven't gone in a couple of weeks. I felt like a square peg in a world with only round doors...trapped. I didn't fit in. That last week that I went, I got there early, as per usual....picked my seat carefully...in a corner where I could see everyone and the exit was easily accessible...and waited. Others started arriving and made small talk. I was friendly, smiling, trying to participate...but as soon as enough others arrived, I was shut out...ignored...left sitting alone. The only reason anyone eventually sat next to me was when there was no other option. Complete blow to my self-esteem. Trying something new. Trying to reach out....make new connections....trying to find some place that I fit in...and as usual....I find nothing for me....no place where I fit.....square peg in a circle world.

My relationship with Bob is strained....has been for sometime. And I should mention, bloggerland, that I did tell him about this blog....and I think he reads it though I am not sure. I am afraid to ask, I guess. So, going into...all that is strained....I have been quite reserved about it. Afraid that hashing out my inner most thoughts....admitting....putting them into words...will hurt him...hurt us....end us....and that's the last thing I want. It would crush me. And, I don't know that I would be able to deal with that and everything else. But....I am supposed to write it down...so...I will try....and maybe he won't read it...or maybe he will and get it....I don't know....I care...I don't want him to think badly of me....I was stupid to share this place with him....this place that knows my insecurities...my darkest thoughts....deepest hurts....its a wonder he hasn't pushed me away sooner.

I have never felt important. I have never felt like I matter...never felt accepted, loved, wanted....needed...to anyone....no, that's wrong. I take that back. There was one person who loved me. My grandmother. Even when I finally told her about my self injury....only a few years before she died....she didn't say anything, only held me and told me that things would get better. She had hope....she had strength....enough for both of us....and I trusted her...with all my heart...life and being. She didn't judge me...never....never once showed judgement, unkindness....only encouragement, love, kindness...she believed in me. I was important to her. And I feel like a failure. If she could see me now...I don't even want to think about it. Would she think so much of me? I fear she would not.

Other than her....I have not felt like my life meant anything to anyone. I have tried to find happiness with in myself. Do all the things "they"...the world, society, my parents, friends, family....everything "they" say will lead to a happy, successful, meaningful existence: work hard, be kind, care for others, treat them well, judge not, go to school, fall in love....and yet, here I am....an unhappy failure.

I have tried to love....let others in...so many, many times. And I have loved....hard, with all my heart....pure, kind, non-judgmental love. Accepting of so many flaw, loving the flaws the most in the end....and I am never enough...I am never "the one"....I have never been loved in kind...I know life isn't a fairytale....Hell, I know life isn't rose colored....isn't kind....it's fair....life sucks. But, I don't want it to. I want to find love. I want to be loved. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don't love myself....don't see much worth loving. Despite my best efforts, my life....is a disappointment.

I want someone to see me as someone worth loving. My whole life....even how I see myself has been shaped by what others think...so much so that I don't know where their voices end and mine begins....do I even have a voice of my own?...did I ever?....or has my past devoured it? I don't remember ever thinking something about myself that wasn't influenced by what others thought....said....showed me....

After my daughter's father....I put my heart on lock down. Built walls....didn't let anyone in. Wouldn't. Threw away the key...burnt the map...focus on doing it alone....doing it all alone. Working towards my goal: undergraduate degree, despite being told I wouldn't be able to....then to grad school...I've spent much of the past six years unemployed trying to make it through school and raise my child...rarely asking for help....feeling ashamed when i had to....and thouroughly shamed by my family when I have asked.....always a tally kept....a record of my failures that they use to shame me...use my guilt against me....

...and then along came Bob. Hope. Light at the end of the tunnel. Life. Kindness. Acceptance of my secrets. And I resisted. I wanted to run, shut him out, scare him away, but I didn't. Remember thinking...that I'd come to a crossroad. That I had a conscious choice to make: to escape or give in and take a chance on being hurt, disappointed. And I chose the later. I chose him.

I chose to take a chance on love....allow him to love me....allow myself to love him, to get attached....to want a future...a future with him in it. Allowed myself to hope....hope for happiness...hope for security....love....hope for things to change...for the pain and pressure to ease...for everything I've been through to be worth it in the end....And that thought... that HOPE......it terrifies me to my core...I am not worth loving...I don't deserve it...but I gave into that little, tiny....voice...the faintest voice inside my head...and heart....I let him in....

He pursued me so hard in the beginning. There was rarely a day when he didn't reach out. Tell me he was thinking of me, he was even the first to admit the "L" word....I felt his love...his pride in loving me and being loved by me....We shared secrets. I felt vulnerable, but it felt right....I was getting what I gave....he was an open book...said what he was feeling....sharing with me....and then he stopped. Stopped sharing, stopped pursuing, stopped reaching out....he just stopped.

....and some part of me feels betrayed....and angry..... I feel exposed....vulnerable....and I want it to stop. ....hurt.... angry at him....but mostly at myself for being so stupid. For letting myself fall for him. Every survival instinct...every cell of my body is screaming to shut down, turn it off....run away...forget him, write him off. But that's not what my heart wants. I want to love and be loved. and still my head rages on....I'm stupid for taking a chance....taking a risk....walking into it....I did this to myself...I deserve the misery...I made my bed....so stupid....who was i kidding....who could love me....I'm broken...insignificant....bad...dark....evil....I am not worthy of love....but why? why do I not get to be loved? why are all the good things in my life fleeting?

Things with he an I....I don't know....they're just....complicated...I don't know if this is how its supposed to be....I just feel so much distance between us....I don't like it....it makes me sad...I finally told him that I do want a future with him in it....and he seemed relieved....and for about a day, I felt close to him. We talked. We laughed. We enjoyed each others company. I felt like he want to be there. And I haven't really felt that since. I'm still the one trying to be with him....and I'm not feeling like there's much come back to me....He doesn't make plans to see me...he doesn't call....doesn't say hi or leave a message on FB, though I know he's on there most of the day playing games.... I feel like he's ashamed of me....lord knows I deserve that...but that doesn't make it hurt any less....It all makes me feel like the crazy stalker girlfriend.....but if I don't make contact...he won't...we'll drift apart.....and he'll just assume I'm pushing him away....and that will be the end of us....I don't know what to do....damned if I do...damned if I don't....kind of an over-arching theme of my life....

Makes me think of my child. The best thing I have ever done....I would die for her. I would kill for her...she deserves a chance....she deserves the world. She deserves better. And I have tried...am trying to make myself better for her.....but I don't feel as though I am succeeding. I am so afraid that what is wrong with me will bleed into her....that her life...will end up just like mine.

I have been pulling away from her lately....emotionally at least. I tell her she is smart, that she is beautiful...that I love her...I tell her everyday.....I hold her...I take care of her....make sure she always has what she needs, and even a little of what she wants...teach her right and wrong....I make sure she can't see my pain...and.... I can't feel the love for her anymore. I know that I do....more than anything else in this world I love my daughter....but I'm afraid to feel it; Afraid that if I do she will be taken away from me. That I will lose her. Everything I have ever truly and deeply loved has been lost....

God....who ever is in charge...whatever that force is that shapes the universe....keeps things in balance...continues existence....I am afraid, it would take her...the best thing I have ever done....would take her out of my life...I certainly don't deserve her. She is perfect. She is smart and kind and beautiful inside and out....so innocent....everything I should have been given the chance to be. And I'm so afraid I'll ruin it for her....so afraid I'll ruin her....just like my mother....father...God....step parents....their family....did to me....

Time to get away

Therapy has somewhat plateaued, not that I'm surprised. I have yet to meet a therapist who knows how to help. the current T wants me to walk down memory lane and become connected with my emotions, but the thought of that is so scary I just haven't been able to do it. I have put so much emotional distant between my past and my present, I don't even know where to begin to put the two together again.

In other news, I had a job interview this week. It went well. I kind of turned the tables on the interviewer and interviewed her. It was kind of fun. It's not my dream job....doubt I'll even be able to pay the bills with it....in fact, working again will actually create another bill--before and after school care for the kiddo. *le sigh*

Why can't I get ahead, just once!? I'm not asking for much....just to be able to maintain my modest...and borderline poverty stricken existence....I don't need a fancy car, I don't need a huge house with a white picket fence, I don't even need extra money at the end of the month....I just want to make ends meet without putting myself in the black....and it seems that's all I have done with my life. I want so bad to set a good example of a strong, independent woman for my daughter. I want her to remember me and feel proud of the stock she came from....I want to leave a legacy for her....and all I have to show for my efforts at the moment is a debt of $96,000 in school loan debt and no job to speak of....

The boy and I are doing well. He's really good for me. When he makes me laugh I feel what it's like to be truly happy and content in that moment: no regrets, no past haunting me, no dread of the future....just peace and joy.

We're going away for the weekend. I have a feeling this weekend will be a test of our relationship, as mother nature is not cooperating with our plans, so we will have to find fun with each other outside of the bedroom. I'm sure it will be an adventure, especially given my limited ability to contribute to the trip, and the fact that I hate allowing him to take on the financial burden of spending time together on his own. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so stubborn...and I'm sure he does too. I just hate feeling like I owe someone, and my distorted perception of relationships makes it hard for me to accept anything from anyone without feeling like I owe them. It would be nice to be able to believe that someone would do something kind for me just because they can, and want to, and that they like to see me happy....without expecting anything in return. Alas, I have yet to experience this.

Igneous Rock

I've had some time to cool, and consulted my BFF's about the annoyance/disappointment the whole" he got a dog thing" has caused. They convinced me that I wasn't being selfish. That I was right to worry about how it would affect our relationship. It's nice that they agreed with me, but I still feel terrible. I have such a hard time sticking up for myself....or doing anything for myself, really.

Growing up I was expected to be the responsible, selfless, peacemaker. Now, I can't even buy myself a pair of jeans without going through the whole cycle of guilt, self-hate, self-condemning, and shame. I know it's irrational, but I don't know how to fight it.

I told him, more or less, how I feel about his new life commitment. Tried to express myself, down playing how much it was bothering him. I have such a hard time expressing myself to him when I disagree with him. Growing up, disagreeing wasn't allowed. Expressing any emotions except contentment and happiness (however feigned) was punished. I fear if I disagree with him he will compare me to his ex....which he still very much dislikes. I don't want the slightest association of me to her in our relationship....it's like my biggest fear. Mostly because I don't want him to run away. I'm still so scared he will.

I'm still struggling with the fear of not being enough for him. Every man that I have ever loved...has always left me...because I wasn't enough....and they've never told me why. My daughter's father cheated on me, and told me that he couldn't be in love with me. The man that I loved before him...told me out of no where that he didn't want a relationship and disappeared...and it's happened more times than I can count. I think things are going great in a relationship and I'm suddenly left in the dust....blind-sided....not good enough....So it goes without saying, that my fear is very real for me.

Just another rant

Popping on again. Not doing too well. My head is a mess. I'm physically exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well for a while now. Resorted to sleeping on the couch, because I seem to stay asleep at least on the couch. In bed I toss and turn and wake up every two hours.

Feeling pretty low. Still going to church. Really trying to embrace the experience....let go of some of my crap...not sure I'm doing it right. I'm getting more comfortable actually going on Sunday. The crowd doesn't bother me as much, just not feeling the spirit of it all.

Bob and I are still together. We've run into some problems in the bedroom that I am having a hard time not internalizing. But we're remaining mostly open and honest about it. He doesn't seem to believe me that I'm not in this for the sex. I could go without, as long as I get to spend time with him....which I think is about to be our next issue to navigate. The time we get to spend together is...seems....so far in between as it is. I have full custody of my daughter, and he only recently met her. I still haven't met his children which he has joint (little less than 50/50) custody of. So I we can't "be seen together" or spend time together, if his children are around. That makes going to church with him quite a bugger. He doesn't want to put them through any more stuff at the moment after his ex started dating, got engaged, and married in an 8 month span.....completely understandable. I totally respect that....and am actually kind of reserved about meeting them, because I fear his and my parenting styles won't be the same and I really can't stand to see parent/child relationships where the kids rule the roost because one or both parents are stuck in their own guilt. We're also both in school, so while homework isn't intense for me at the moment, it is for him.

And then......he goes and gets a dog....*sigh* Don't get me wrong, I love, love, LOVE animals, especially dogs. I still cry when I think about our dog and how we had to give him to a new home when we moved to civilization. I love dogs, and dogs love me. But....he can barely keep up with his children.....and he adds a dog?! Who isn't house-trained and has lived in a shelter for god knows how long?!?! *sigh* The night he thought he was going to get the dog he didn't want me to come over because it might stress the dog out. Then he told me he was afraid the dog might like me more....*eye roll* And I can just see it, next I won't be able to come over and spend a few hours with him because the dog has been kenneled up all day and needs his attention.....

And I know I shouldn't be resentful....I know I shouldn't....it's just....we don't talk like we did in the beginning. We don't text. He doesn't send me sweet messages. I just feel like he's pulling away....and I'm falling farther and farther down his list of life's priorities....and it feels rotten. It's like he doesn't really want me to become part of his life. Like he's only made a small space in his life for me....like a box I don't quite fit into....and he's shoving more things in this already crowded box....

And it's kind of breaking my heart. Because I haven't allowed anyone close to me like I have him in a long, long time. I had become content with the fact that I was going to make a go at life alone: complete school, raise my kid, have a career, even have another child with donor sperm if the fancy struck.....I was okay with all that. I've never seen marriage work....I had gotten to the point where I just wasn't really looking anymore.....And then he came along. And although I was terrified....I had started to feel pretty comfortable....I'd even began to have thoughts like: "maybe marriage isn't a fool's contract"....and...."you know...I could see a future with this guy....maybe even marriage"......and now.....I still feel like that....but my head is trying to protect my heart and screaming at me to re-build my walls so I don't get hurt.

I don't know what to do....I want to just sit and cry.....but I don't trust myself to be able to handle that very well....

"Am I lost, or just less found" -C .S. Lewis

So, it's been a while. Not the longest break I've taken from Bloggerland, but I do apologize for my absence.....not that I'm sure anyone noticed, or cared....

My life....oh geez, where do I start?

Classes are back in full swing. The director that did my entrance interview has left, and will be very much missed. I really hope that I can stay in touch with her. I really admire and respect her, and she really seems to care about people, and understand that darkness that threatens to swallow some....like she's been there. The new director....I don't know her. She seems nice enough, but I hope to fly below her radar and make it out of the tunnel my life has become.....I just hope that the tunnel doesn't lead to the end of a cliff...

Remember my former T? The one who had to stop seeing me because his supervisor wanted to sit in, and I refused because she was going to be one of my professors this semester? She had told him that she wasn't going to be teaching this fall...in hopes that, that would allow her to observe, I suppose. Well.....guess who is my last class instructor?? You got it. She is. *insert expletive name calling here* Once again, my instincts--not to trust--haven't failed me. It just really hurts that, of all people in the world to lose my trust, it was someone who should always be trustworthy. Someone who, if in the profession for the right reasons, is devoted to building people up, not tearing them down.

I am still seeing the new T. I have been totally open and honest with her. She is a very kind, caring soul, though I'm still not convinced that there is any hope that I will ever be whole....ever feel peace....contentment....ever be cured of my darkness....

I'm still dating Bob. He really has become a wonderful beacon of hope in my life. Like...maybe I'm not forsaken....I'm still struggling with accepting the goodness he brings into my life. My heart and mind in constant conflict, but he's not afraid of my demons.

I am also trying something else new. I have started going to church. *shock, horror!* I know, I surprised myself....and by the fact that I didn't spontaneously combust upon entering the sanctuary. I've, now, been to two Sunday services and a single mom's small group, and although anxiety inducing (the church is quite large)...the messages touched my heart. I'm still struggling....angry with God....hate myself....feel unworthy....unloved....tested to the point of self-destruction...This whole experience is very difficult.

I feel out of my comfort-zone. "Exposed", to quote a good friend....During the services I have attended I felt vulnerable, emotionally moved to the point of losing it....which plays on my fear of both being found out for the bat-shit, crazy woman I am, and of drawing attention to myself in a room of....oh, 500 (?) or so people. I e-mailed the women's ministry about a mentoring program the church has, in hopes of being able to connect with someone who might be able to help guide me, help me understand....accept....I don't know...find spiritual contentment?