I am sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't felt like doing anything lately. I feel like I'm just being sucked into nothingness. I feel like a shell of myself. And I have been having the most wretched dreams. I have "the dream" about every night, but also others....very vivid...almost always about my illness.....if that's what you can call it.
I want to seek help, I know I need to seek it, but I am completely terrified of people in my life finding out. I have worked so hard....putting what little energy I have into "appearances"....they think of me what I want them to think....they think I am the person I only wish I was. I have finally found success at something...and while it makes me happy in the moment....I'm never truly happy.
The countdown until my insurance has kicked in. I will try to find a therapist....I will try to actually go to the appointment....but my anxiety is so bad....just thinking about sitting in an awkward lobby waiting for them to call my name....knowing that everyone there knows why I'm there....It makes my palms sweat and heart race.....and then there's the fear that the counselor won't get it....that they will have no experience.....not understand my illness....and will try and commit me...
Technically they could....based on the external....without knowledge of the illness they may assume I'm suicidal....I can't afford that to happen....financially or emotionally...that would destroy me....
Of course....I don't have to tell them about it...
I don't know what to do.....or even how to bring it up....I don't know.....and I hate not knowing....
On another note, I have to create a researched brochure about an illness for class....I think I may have mentioned it....well...settled on the topic: Self harm....and I'm terrified that someone in my program will put two and two together. The plus is that I don't have to present until winter, so long sleeves won't be so awkward....and no one really knows me in class....except that "one girl"....you know the one who thinks she knows it all about everything....yeah, she's in my class too. YAY! :(
She was being rather nice to me until last week when her and the girl sitting next to her (ironically I sit on the other side of that girl....again...YAY! *:(*) started passing notes....I was definitely a topic...and she spelled my name wrong...I wish I'd had the balls to tell her, "Oh passing notes! How retro of you! But my name has a "U" in it, thanks."
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