Self

Who am I?

I think this is a question everyone, either consciously or subconsciously asks themselves. How many have answers? How did they get those answers? Where was I the day those answers were taught??

My therapist said something to me this week that is resonating in my head.....bouncing around, taunting...."I don't think you will be able to be happy until you know who you are....until you have a sense of self."

What do you even say to a statement like that??

I attempted to reply. I mentioned being a student, a future therapist. She stopped me. Apparently there is a difference between an identity and a self.

I. am. confused.

It seems to me that the two words are interchangeable. Are they not? How I identify myself.....wouldn't that be both my identity and sense of self? A man is not an island. It would seem to me how a person sees himself or herself has a lot to do with who they are, or what function they have, to others and their perceptions of whether or not that function gives them pleasure or pain.

Now that being said. I understand that maybe there is some dissonance with parts of myself because not every identity....not every part of my life is perfect....and I'm a control freak;a perfectionist...self-admitted. Isn't there some part in everyone's life that they aren't happy with?

I am thinking that the real deficiency I have is in how I manage that dissonance....not that I have no sense of self, but that my sense of self is distorted by having gone through trauma....going through painful, violent, degrading, demoralizing trauma. That I know who I am....and at the core...I do. But that my ability to see that self as good....as being worthy.....is constantly being overshadowed by ghosts of my past telling me and showing me that I am not good.....I am not worthy....causing me to doubt....myself....god....life...everything. To say I have trust issues is an understatement. How can I possibly trust others, if I cannot trust myself? But...I trust in others more than I trust myself, which is probably why I am still functioning even though I am in pain.

I am a good mother.

I love....with all my heart...

I am a good listener

I am kind

I am generous

I try to be, and mostly succeed at embodying all the things I find value in, all the characteristics that want to be.....it's the times that I slip....the times that I fail to be a good mother, be a good listener, be kind, be generous.....it's those times, that my psyche beats the hell out of me. Drags me down. Mentally.....physically....psychologically....

And I can rationalize....use DBT worksheets.....see the irrationality of what my psyche is telling me....but it is a constant battle between head and heart....and....

I. Am. Tired.