The need to bleed

I'm spiraling down. God, I hate this. It's like I'm trapped inside myself. I can't escape.

I have been obsessing on how to help my therapist get it. After last session, I feel like I need to make him understand. The way he talks to me....guilt trips me....it isn't working. I don't know how to help him get it. What its like to be tormented and know that the only way to find relief is to make myself bleed.

This week is so....fuzzy. Like I'm not really here; disconnected. Kind of like that feeling of driving and suddenly realizing you've driven 30 miles but don't remember any of them....oops, already used that analogy...

I came to sitting on the couch today. 2 hours had passed. I don't know where I was....somewhere in my head. Somewhere safe from myself? Only I can't function like that. I can't just space out when I feel like this. And so the cycle continues.

Cut to stay grounded. And I can feel it coming, like a surfer looking at the horizon waiting for the swell to reach her so she can ride it to the coast. I wish it was that normal. I know it's not.

Shame. Knowing it will happen. Knowing I will have to hide it. Knowing the fix is temporary.

I haven't bled my arms in years...much too conspicuous....but my mind is screaming for it. It lasts longer....feels right.....