"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."- T. S. Elliot

An update on therapy progress:
   Finally had a break through on the trusting him issue. I don't know that he understood it as that, but it was. He asked me to write down my history of significant events on a timeline of my life. Although doing it triggered me, I did the assignment.

Boy, was that session uncomfortable. I could barely stay in the present....the need to escape...dissociate...shut down....was unbearable....and I spent most of the session going in and out. My palms started sweating and then my fingers went numb....colors shimmered in and out of my vision, and I felt that pull.....go somewhere safe.....abandon ship. I don't remember much of that session....like there are blank spots within that memory rolodex in my brain....

And I haven't been able to focus quite right since.....the numbness is growing stronger. Like nothing is really real or worth it. I have been having nightmares....and sudden and overpowering flashbacks that dissolve me into a puddle of panic. I feel like darkness is taking over me.

I started using again. Scored some pot from an old acquaintance. Been an okay couple of days. It helps me to be able to feel. I had been so numb.....everything is electric when I'm high....like a warm yellow glow lighting the darkness inside.

I know I can't continue to cope this way....I have to look for a job at the end of the summer....And so the urge to cut becomes a last resort to stay afloat.....not to drown.... not to give up. This too concerns me. I caught myself looking up places online to buy surgical grade scalpel blades online the other day. I have gotten so good at putting off the cutting for last. Not keeping too many sharps on hand. Throwing them away when I'm done, so that I really have to "work for it" if I have to cut....need to cut.....Back in the day....when I cut daily.....I used scalpel blades.....and its really easy to cut to deeply with them.....but they are to most satisfying cuts.....clean....precise...... preferred method of destruction...

This week the T tells me he has to go do military duty again.....for two weeks......we just start digging down deep.....and he's leaving me to my own devices for two weeks....no one to talk to.....school is out of session until June 4th.....my daughter is at school all day.....I can't afford gas to get out of the house....it's like the world is closing in on me.....I'm so fucked.....