.....pathetic......

Took the day off today. We'll call it a mental health day....but I'm not so sure it helped....I just needed a little more healing time, really....

I went to class tonight. We had a midterm.....easy.....

Found out that I aced my midterm last week. Surprised by that as I have not read the book, nor did I study....its so strange to me that while the rest of me--my self esteem, self image, emotional well-being---is going down the tube, my academic life isn't....and it's not like I try.

That's the way it has always been though....I shouldn't be surprised....back in college "part one"....I was completely and totally suicidal and my GPA was as good as it had ever been....all I did was show up...take the tests....write the papers hours before they were due....and my grades never faltered....weird....

Felt a bit nostalgic tonight. Trying to remember a time where I didn't feel completely alone....didn't feel like I had the weight of the world on my chest crushing me.....ironically....I was in therapy....at college "part one"....through their psych services. I had a really great counselor. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I could tell all without judgement, but rather with genuine acceptance and understanding.

So...I found him on FB....and said hi and thanked him. I didn't let on that I'm circling the drain once again....compared to back then, when he knew me, my life is much more normal....I'm not out drinking every night...I'm not doing every drug in sight....I'm not looking for love in all the wrong places...on the outside, things have changed so much....but inside....I'm still f*!$ed up..

I wanted so bad to reach out to him. Ask if he could recommend someone. Let him know that I needed help again. Instead, I bragged on the fact that I am in grad school....going into counseling...

Sitting here, I could almost cry....am about to cry.....but I must not....my child is still awake...I don't want to worry her....I cannot do that to her....

I am about to implode....I need to relieve the pressure....I need....I've given up with trying to resist....it serves its purpose....

I miss being understood....I miss trusting someone.....

10-10-10

Hopeless

Alone

Voiceless

Lonely

Unheard

Empty

Take your pick....this is where I'm at right now. I have completely and totally relapsed....there is no denying it now....the best I can try to do is hide it until I find a safe place....

My head is in overdrive....Nothing I ate today stayed down....I'm swimming in a nauseous panic....I have lost control.....

I have to eat OTC sleeping meds. like candy just to get to sleep, but they make my worst fears come to life in my head. Sleep is no refuge....I have no refuge....

Work again tomorrow....the show begins all over again....pretty smile, painted face, perfect coiffure....

no name, no face, no title

I am sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't felt like doing anything lately. I feel like I'm just being sucked into nothingness. I feel like a shell of myself. And I have been having the most wretched dreams. I have "the dream" about every night, but also others....very vivid...almost always about my illness.....if that's what you can call it.

I want to seek help, I know I need to seek it, but I am completely terrified of people in my life finding out. I have worked so hard....putting what little energy I have into "appearances"....they think of me what I want them to think....they think I am the person I only wish I was. I have finally found success at something...and while it makes me happy in the moment....I'm never truly happy.

The countdown until my insurance has kicked in. I will try to find a therapist....I will try to actually go to the appointment....but my anxiety is so bad....just thinking about sitting in an awkward lobby waiting for them to call my name....knowing that everyone there knows why I'm there....It makes my palms sweat and heart race.....and then there's the fear that the counselor won't get it....that they will have no experience.....not understand my illness....and will try and commit me...

Technically they could....based on the external....without knowledge of the illness they may assume I'm suicidal....I can't afford that to happen....financially or emotionally...that would destroy me....

Of course....I don't have to tell them about it...

I don't know what to do.....or even how to bring it up....I don't know.....and I hate not knowing....

On another note, I have to create a researched brochure about an illness for class....I think I may have mentioned it....well...settled on the topic: Self harm....and I'm terrified that someone in my program will put two and two together. The plus is that I don't have to present until winter, so long sleeves won't be so awkward....and no one really knows me in class....except that "one girl"....you know the one who thinks she knows it all about everything....yeah, she's in my class too. YAY! :(

She was being rather nice to me until last week when her and the girl sitting next to her (ironically I sit on the other side of that girl....again...YAY! *:(*) started passing notes....I was definitely a topic...and she spelled my name wrong...I wish I'd had the balls to tell her, "Oh passing notes! How retro of you! But my name has a "U" in it, thanks."

Friends

I have come to a sudden, and completely depressing, realization that I have no friends.

I have people who call me their friend. I have people who I would walk to the ends of the earth for.....but here I am sitting by myself, my mind a mess....just wanting the compansionship.....presence......of someone....anyone....so that I'm not alone with myself....and there is no one I can call.

I went to see one friend yesterday. Ran an errand for her because she is mostly bed ridden, and can't drive most days because of the pain she is in constantly.

Another person I consider a friend....she hasn't really been up for much of anything in a while....I know she's depressed....our other mutual friends know she's depressed....but she's in complete denial....but who am I to judge...she "has a migraine" or "is broke" whenever anyone wants to do anything.

Another friend....the one that I mentioned was victim to rape....she is permanently glued to her boyfriends hip....there's only so much "third tit" action I can handle.....I think I miss her the most though....

My sister...who lives just down the street is the same way....but I'm sure as soon as he leaves her....and we all know he will....I will be the first person she calls....gratefully so....but also....disappointingly so.....

I could understand having no one if anyone knew....anything....about what I'm going through....but they don't. I'm very good at hiding my condition. No one has a clue. I'm the dependable one....the one they can count on. When we go out I'm the uninhibited one....not afraid to make a fool of myself (granted, with the help of a little liquid courage...but I'm too much of a control freak to get flat out wasted in public) just to give others a good laugh. WTF!? Why am I suddenly so alone??


So....I have no one....and right now that is not the best realization. My heart has been pounding out of my chest all day. I feel like a weepy mess....I just want to do something....anything to get my mind.....on something else.....or....to just turn off.....

Fruitful

This weekend was decent. I got my eyes checked out. Laundry finished. House mostly cleaned....

OH! Did I mention that I was offered, and accepted, and full-time position with the non-profit agency that I have been temping for?!?!?

Insurance here I come.....starting....November 1st....**sigh**

I guess then is better than never....just need to keep it together....and make sure that my co-workers remain clueless as to how bad it really is.....until then.

Don't get me wrong, it's nice to know that I will have some sort of stability in income, and I really like the job. It just seems like I never know when things will hit the fan....I never know when things go awry until they are in full downward spiral. It's not a lack of self insight, just denial....I suppose.

Classes are going well. Not so triggering this semester. Pretty scientific....if psychology can ever truely be considered that...Human Development is kind of boring, but I really like Diagnostics.

fuck, Fuck, FUCK!

I bought a new set of matresses today....been sleeping on the couch for a year....and I can't sleep!!!

My mind won't shut off. My body is screaming for rest, but my head won't shut up! Every possible senario and evert possible outcome of every decision that I made today is running though my head.....shut up, Shut up, SHUT UP!!!!!

It won't stop. I want so badly to enjoy my new bed.....new sheets....sleep as it storms outside...but my thoughts won't stop. I can't take this anymore.

Fear

No work today. Something about that is relieving. I really love what I do, but lord did I need a breather.

I get my refund check today, so I will be able to get a head on some bills. I may even be able to buy a bed....the couch is doing nothing for my insomnia.

I got a call back for a second interview. The prospects of having reliable income and....*shock, horror!*..... insurance!!! The first thing I'm going to do if I get this job.......find a shrink!