New Job- Day three

So I think I may survive my dive back into the working world. I still don't have a sitter in civilization, but my cousin agreed to watch the kiddo for a reasonable price. I have to wait for my first paycheck to see if I can get some assistance with childcare, but I will be waiting a while as we get paid monthly...and I missed the beginning of this pay period by quite a bit...

Still haven't worked on my paper that's due next week. It's four pages on feminist theory in family therapy...I will let you know if I discover any enlightening information. I dreading doing it though...so mostly I will probably just bitch. (Hey, at least I'm honest.)

I have noticed that the socialization that comes with working has started to bring back some of the better parts of "the old me." I don't have(....well...okay I still have but not as bad) socially-induced panic attacks. I actually had to cold-call about 30 people today and managed not to fumble for words or stutter through about 50% of the calls. Kinda proud of that.

And the doe-eyed awkwardness has mostly disappeared. I have been deemed "the organizer" by my colleagues....kind of ironic considering how chaotic my life is...if they only knew....strike that!...I would evaporate if they found out. I have been wearing long sleeves the past two days in 80 degree heat just so I don't have to make up stories about my scars....They must not find out...

This month is going to be rough, financially. I'm not sure we have food enough to get by...and I don't have enough $ to change that. *sigh*....guess I should stop eating and save it for the kiddo. I get stamps...but have already ran through them this month...not that it's really enough to feed two on...yet alone a growing kiddo who is going through a growth spurt and constantly hungry.

I have been too exhausted to SI...though the thoughts are constantly there...prolly due to the transitional anxiety I'm experiencing. I have been sleeping better...though I am still exhausted throughout the day...and I have been having such crazy dreams. I need to save a few minutes each morning to blog them so I can get some input about them. I'm interested as to what they could mean....other than I am completely bonkers...

New Job-Day one

So started my new job today. Still haven't found a sitter. My cousin said she'd watch the kiddo as long as I need her to, but if we're ever going to move back to civilization I need to find a sitter...in civilization...

Unfortunately, they all want me to have to sell a kidney in order to afford their services....I don't understand how other single mom's do it. If I work I don't qualify for DFS daycare assistance because my income plus my child support is too high...even if I take a minimum wage job...so most of my paycheck goes to paying for a daycare so that I can work...which just seems counterproductive to me. If I don't work....well...I can't get ahead...and I have to take out extra student loans just to pay rent and bills...which I can't afford to pay back unless I work....anyone else see a problem with this cycle??

So...the job seems like it's going to be fun. I get to work with kids, so that's great...and maybe it will cure the baby itch I have had of late. I have to get a TB test and a physical within 30 days though...which I am not sure I can afford at the moment....what with paying a sitter and gas money to drive into civilization to work and all. Maybe working wasn't the best move at the moment?? I dunno...I have to do something before I lose my mind altogether.

Oh...and you wouldn't believe the size of the binder containing organization policies and regulations that I had to bring home to read tonight. I think it's a good 3 inches thick...and I don't have a clue what half of these acronyms mean....*sigh*

“It is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it” - Rainer M. Rilke

Had the best night's sleep that I have had in ages. Granted it was more of a substance induced coma, but never-the-less greatly needed and much deserved.

Didn't do much today. Ran some errands with step-mom. Laundry. Went out and did a puzzle with the old people. Another daring day...

I hate it when my kiddo is gone. No joyous sounds of laughter fill the house. No clutter of toys to trip on during midnight trips to the bathroom.

Going to a baby shower for a relative tomorrow. My sister is also expecting. I went nuts buying gifts for them both. Buying tiny socks, blankets, shoes, etc...made me take inventory about my own life. I'm not where I expected to be.

Sure, I'm in grad school. Sure, I'm a mother. But not once, growing up, did I ever expect to be a single mother. Nor did I expect to still be in school in my late 20's. I didn't expect to be renting an apartment in the middle of nowhere....and most of all...I didn't expect to be alone.

Once upon a time, I was beautiful. I'll admit it now, looking back. I was! I was firm and taut, had a beautiful head of golden locks that would make any Cali gal jealous. I could turn heads. I was never single long. Somehow all of that changed. Well...not somehow...I know how it changed....

I felt in love. HARD. He was amazing. He saw me, knew me...all of me. Even the crazy parts...and still loved me... He was my best friend...and for a while that's all we were. Each of us in deep relationships at the time. I could count on him though. It didn't matter if I was having a melt down at one in the morning, or just wanted to go for a walk. He was always there....until he wasn't.

He was my perfect match. There was electricity in his touch. Making love with him was something I have yet to find again in another. My walls descended down and our souls touched while we tumbled 'tween the sheets. It was pure emotion...passion...yearning...pleasure.

No, the he that I speak of was not the father of my child....or maybe he is....or isn't....it depends on how you define father I suppose.

I went away with him one fateful Valentine's weekend....it was wonderful.

Weeks later I discovered I was pregnant. He came for a visit....I guess he'd met someone new...we weren't exclusive....but something had changed in him.... He didn't want to get serious. He didn't want to hurt me, but he didn't want where we were headed. He had his career ahead of him...the military...he didn't want to drag a family around the globe with him....I never told him I was expecting that night...I didn't want to hurt him....I wanted him to be happy....overwhelmed...I tried to kill myself....

I would have died that night...were it not for a co-worker coming over to see why I wasn't at work and hadn't called in....to think back, I was suprised anyone (especially him) noticed, really.....

He saved me from myself...it seemed like fate.....he didn't care about my delicate condition...he would raise it as his own...we never even discussed it...that was just how it was going to be...the kiddo was fine....it had to be a sign.....so we tried........about six months after the kiddo was born I caught him in our bed with another....I was broken.....am still broken....

After all this......is it any wonder I'm still single....???

I've let myself go and have since gone brunette in an attempt to keep men at arms length....A beautiful woman once said, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." Apparently...no one wants me at my worst....not that I blame them...

"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." ~Mother Teresa

So, I'm sitting here all by my lonesome....kiddo went to her dad's for the weekend. The dog is off chewing something or another. And here I sit. These weekends are the worst. I have this overwhelming need to do something....anything: be it pill, pot, or liquor......to distract me from the fact that I am alone.....completely and utterly alone.

Wish I had more to say than that....but I don't.
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11 pm:

Thought I would pop on here before I konk out...oooo..two anamanapia's in one sentence...this is going to be good...not!

Gave in....took a couple shots and some muscle relaxer and an ativan to try and make the lonliness relent...but what I was really after what some sort of high....it wasn't quick enough...

About 20 minutes after....I couldn't take it anymore...I cut.

I feel much better now...visited buschat for the first time in a long time. It's a great SI chat....meff died though...stupid pig flu....

Now kind of depressed...and sleepy...and I want more high....don't want to sleep all day tm....want to be normal...whatever that is....

"You're mad, bonkers, off your head! But I'll tell you a secret: All the best people are." - Charles Kingsleigh ~Alice in Wonderland~

The kiddo and I went to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D. Pretty amazing. The kiddo even managed to keep her glasses on for most of it. She thanked me afterward, which coming from a four year old, is so heart-melting.

Got new flavors for my e-cig today. They were specialty mixes and man are they good. One has lime, bubble gum, and mint....kind of tastes like the mojito bubble gum I'm so in love with. The other has spearmint, peppermint, and wintergreen....VERY minty, which I love! The kiddo is excited too, she hates it when I have to smoke regular cigs. She says they stink....pretty smart kid.

Wasn't triggery at all today. First good day in ages. No stress, no mess....so to speak.

Found a framed copy of one of my faovrite poems. A friend gave it to me in high school. Thought I would share it here. Hopefully the copyright police won't come down on me too hard. Honestly, I don't think the author would mind much....

~Alone~
by Edgar A. Poe

From childhoods hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I have loved, I loved alone.
Then-- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life-- was drawn
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliffs of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightening in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

"Life swings like a pendulum: backward and forward between pain and boredom" -Arthur Schopenhauer

Today was boredom (I suppose that's better than pain).

The class I actually enjoy was cancelled, but not until I spent all day finishing the paper that was supposed to be due tonight. So me and the kiddo went out to father and step-mom's house. They are back to pretending everything is okay....wonder how long it will last this time?

Step-mom was already a few drinks into the night when we showed up and dad had taken G-pa out to his farm to feed. When they got back, it was as if all the drama between step-mom and father had never happened....they smiled and laughed....but their body language was saying something else. I guess step-mom confronted him about cheating and he swears it's not happening....whatever!

I started to feel uncomfortable so we left.

I hate how empathic I am sometimes, but I suppose it has served me well in the past, developed out of necessity for survival. I guess I only wish I had learned to turn it off and on at will.

I had a dream last night....I went to bed late because I just had to watch New Moon, which I had just purchased. I think I bawled through the whole thing. I'm such a sap. I definitely know what Bella was feeling when Edward left. (Sorry if you're not a twi-hard fan and have no clue what I'm talking about.) The emptiness, lonliness.....anyway....back to the dream.

So I went to bed after the movie and had this weird/interesting/morbid dream. I killed myself. But the images weren't scary, they were peaceful and colorful. The kind of death images you'd expect in a romantic sci-fi-ish movie--all swirly and soft, with whimsical music in the back ground...I woke up kind of startled, but not scared....not with that heart pounding, "oh my gosh I almost fell out of bed" feeling. No, it wasn't fear I felt....it was peace.

Considering my past, this is kind of strange. I spent almost two years of my life in a complete and utter downward spiral of suicidality. I drank anything I could get my hands on, smoked what every was around, abused my Rx's, and took all kinds of stupid risks (walking around at night alone in a college town, drinking and driving, climbing cliff faces while completely out of my mind)....not to mention the cutting, constant thoughts about just ending it and whatnot. I almost succeeded in self-destruction just weeks before I found out I was preggo with the kiddo, in fact..I felt anything except peace then....but this dream...was kind of beautiful...in a odd/creepy sort of way.

*sigh*

Also spent some time doing my genogram today. I had a couple different one's (one for mom's side and one for dad's) done. Today I spend a couple hours combining them and adding all the lovely emotional relationships...my family is so effed up. I am so afraid that I will screw my kid up....there isn't a person on my genogram that isn't messed up in one way or another. Sometimes I wonder if she wouldn't be better off with her dad....but then again...his family isn't any better. I feel sorry for her.

Her dad is ten years my senior and still has his mom clean his house and help him pay bills...and she's old enough to retire, but instead works two PT jobs to help him. Don't get me wrong, he has a job. He's even a supervisor....he just can't manage money. He'd rather spend his money on video games, poker games, and going out drinking with his teenage and 20 year old friends (he's 30-something!) than get ahead on his bills. His sister has three kids, two of which are graduated from high school and don't have driver's licenses, yet alone jobs. And the oldest girl just moved in with her boyfriend......my kid is so screwed....I try....I really try....but the deck is definitely stacked.

"Darkness. Imprisoning me. All that I see. Absolute horror. I can not live. I can not die. trapped in myself. Body my holding cell." -Metallica

Had class again tonight. For some reason this class is very triggering for me. (This would be the same class that I had to stare at my paper and pretend to be busy, so as not to catch the eye of the teacher and start to cry.)

Lecture was about the feminist perspective in family therapy. Tried to find a link online for you to get the gist, but to no avail. So basically the concept of it is that traditional family therapy is all pro-masculinity which doesn't work in the world today where gender roles aren't so well defined as they once were. The feminist perspective on couples and family therapy promotes an understanding between the sexes that they do in fact perceive, communicate, and understand things in the world differently....kind of what the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is based off of.....it's much more complicated than this, but without typing up all my notes from class on here, I don't think I can do it justice. It's pretty deep.

At the end of class we had to fill out this paper of 10 questions about how we were raised by our parents and how our family of origins shaped our perceptions of gender and what all that means to us now. I couldn't handle it. It was really hard for me to come up with a lot of answers to those questions because memories from my childhood are so fragmented. My parents were divorced by the time I was 2. My mom had custody of me and she married another man-- the father of my middle three siblings-- until I was about nine or ten.....but I don't have many memories of this time.....none of which involve my mother or father, but also, none of which were good.

I remember being 2 and my ex step dad shaking me and yelling at me until I peed on the floor....and then he made clean it up.....I remember being little and him not letting me go to sleep until I recited the Catholic bedtime prayer which I don't think he'd taught me before then....

I have memories about going to my dad's house for visitation and being beaten by my ex step mom with a belt....and her sister burning my foot with a cigg because me and my step brother wouldn't settle down...I remember hiding with another little girl named Tracy who was some relation or another from the ex step mom's brother in law and him catching us and touching us and making us touch him....

but....none of my memories include my parents. So answering these questions, like "How did your parents model gender roles?" or "What did your parents tell you about how boys/girls are supposed to act?" or "What messages did your parent's give you about how men and women act in relationships?"......these questions are damn near impossible to answer. By the time memories started to stick, so to speak, my mother was my only source of influence on these things....and she was busy dating and drinking by then.

Needless to say...I completely felt like shit by the end of class. Everyone in my group had these great answers about their traditional families and how "mom did this" and "dad did that"....but I was to ashamed to share much. I felt...once again....like a leper in a sea of normalcy. My views of men are a bit jaded....and I was taught to survive by being independent, quiet, and not to show weakness. My life and upbringing were anything but normal.....and I am so ashamed....I have been carrying shame all my life...

On top of all this...my step mom called and told me that my father is cheating on her again....to catch you up to speed, she caught him for the forth time over Christmas break....and all hell ripped through this side of the family....me stuck in the middle holding my tongue....

I have to get out of here. I really do.