"Everything inside of my head, It all just goes to show how...

...Nothing I know changes me at all

Again I waited for this to change instead"

-Blink 182

So it's been a while. Not sure how long. Didn't stop to look before pressing that glorious "new post" button. It's been too long, I know.

Things have cycled through, much as I expected. The summer's nervous break/constant panic attack has bottomed out and with it my self-esteem, self-worth, and desire to wake up in the morning.

I'm seeing another therapist. I had to quit/was not given any other feasible option my job at the pre-school. Still kind of pissed about that one...not sure if I shared, so in brief:

After keeping us in limbo as to whether or not we'd even have a job by the end of the summer (it all started in January), they decided to shut down my center and offer me a job they knew I wouldn't be able to take because of the hours conflict with my school schedule. Someone told me that they just did that so they wouldn't have to pay unemployment when I had to turn down the position....I'm just bitter enough to agree.

So...with the loss of job....so went the insurance....and the therapist. Funny how that works, huh. I paid out of pocket for about a month....until I couldn't afford it anymore. $100/hour....that's almost my rent! Ridiculous. So...now I'm seeing someone new for free.

It's really a strange arrangement....he's the husband of the director of my grad program. He's also a graduate from that program and I had him in a couple of classes. We didn't really know each other well, but we had some conversations. It's a bit awkward...and I know it's only awkward because I make it so, but still.....

Anyhow, he wants me to journal. He doesn't understand the cutting thing. It freaks him out, quite frankly, which strikes me as both amusing (in an ironic sort of way) and also pretty fucking hopeless.

I am supposed to journal before and after incidents. It's weird...because I lose a chunk of time before. Which is really scary for this control freak. I suppose that means it serves it's purpose, right? I feel like shit....and then I don't. My brain blocks it out.

I wish that were it. I've been losing lots of time lately. I'm spacing out more and more. It happens when I get depressed like this. I get numb....space out....embrace the nothingness...get caught up in that asshole voice in my head....and I can't quite shake it right now. It's always there....looking to kick me when I screw up....and kick harder when I'm down.

I wish I could go back to the anxious part of this cycle. The decent to the bottom sucks.