post session mess

My head is reeling. My heart is pounding. I want to cry and throw up and disappear. I can't handle all this at once. This is why I don't open up. Why I build my walls too tall for anyone to care to climb. It hurts to remember. It hurts to talk. This is my biggest fear. The flood gates opening and me without a boat. That gate has sprung a leak....and I can't even handle that.

I told my therapist. About the abusive boyfriend, alcoholic/abusive parents....about being attacked at college "part one." It's like reliving it all over again. Telling him about the latter....was excruciating...I was instantly nauseous....the whole time I had my keys in my hoodie pocket wishing they were sharper. I didn't even tell him about the abuse when I was little.

I can't handle this emotional overload....he asked me not to cut....I don't think I can honor that. I have to be functional tomorrow...at least more functional than I am now. I'm trapped in my head. Memories flooding my senses.....terror, pain, fear.........my daughter kept trying to talk to me and I completely space out. I don't even hear her. Which just adds fuel to the fire for the asshole voice in my head.

I'm not strong enough.