"I walk a lonely road, The only one I have ever known...

...Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone"

--Green Day

I'm sitting here waiting for class to start. I am my usual 45 minutes early. I hate being late. It makes me panic. I get to sit here in silence with no expectations before everyone gets here. It should be peaceful, but my head is not my friend right now.

I am still waiting on my paycheck and haven't paid all of last months bills because of this. Panic inducing. My teacher commented on my "out of it"-ness in response to my Practicum journal for last week. Panic inducing. I have to visit the new practicum site tomorrow. Panic inducing. I don't know where said site is located exactly. Terror inducing. I will be meeting people I don't know...surrounded by them....all day tomorrow....My worst nightmare!

My head if racing with "what if's". What if they don't like me? What if I get lost? What if I make a fool of myself? What if...what if....what if....

Also...that asshole voice is basically confirming all of these thoughts..."They won't like you. You're a freak. You're a mess. They will see right through you. You are a fat slob. Why would anyone like you. You don't even like yourself. You're an idiot. You'll get lost and be late and they will hate you for it. They will think you don't care about the clinic. They will think you don't have your priorities straight. You will fail."

I spent most of the day in bed. My daughter was home sick and slept alot. I had to take her to her father's house so that I could come to school. Sadly, I can't say that I dislike leaving her with him. It gives me room to breathe....or attempt to. And of course to that thought the voice says "You're a shitty mother: pawning her off on someone else. You're so selfish."

I. Am. So. Tired!

My whole body feels as though burning electricity is coursing through it.