So it's been a few weeks. Nothing much has changed, other than I have maintained numbness and a buzz. I know in the long run, this isn't probably a good thing....a continuing of the downward spiral....but I'm so afraid to feel right now. There's too much going on, so much pressure.....so much confusion, hurt, anger, sadness.....I can't handle it all at once...and that's how it will hit me. If I let down the wall....it will hit me like a tidal wave, and....at this point I am past the point of wanting to try and swim.
Lost a friend this week. I'd tried to help him this past year. Tried to get him help. I get how he felt....
He's been suicidal for the past eight months to a year. Gotten put on a 96 hour hold....started to drink himself into numbness quite frequently. He lost his family....the love of his life.....stopped taking care of himself....
He went to sleep this week....and didn't wake up. They said it was his diabetes.....but I saw this coming. I couldn't do anything....couldn't help him.....he gave up......
And oddly....I'm jealous. He doesn't have to feel....he doesn't have to hurt. I'm jealous.
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