Freaking out....

So freaked out right now. So, I've been seeing a T for a while now. I was referred to him by the head of my grad school program....unfortunately he's her husband, which makes me leery in being candidly honest with him....His supervisor is also a teacher in my program, who I haven't had yet (but will in the fall!), but haven't heard great things about her as a teacher or a therapist....

So today he texts. He wants to know if it's okay for his supervisor to sit in?!?! I asked if I was allowed to say no. He says he can't refuse, but I asked if I can. I do NOT want his supervisor in session. He told me she doesn't know my identity, which I hope I can trust, but why does she want to sit in? I don't know. He hasn't responded.

I was finally able to let down my guard with him in last weeks session....be honest with him.....I even cried, which for me is really hard to do in front of others. I felt raw after last session, wasn't sure if he gets it yet.....but thought we were making small steps forward....and now this....FUCK! I told him that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop....that I'm constantly on guard, hyper vigilant....waiting for the next blow. I don't think he realizes that if his supervisor sits in, and I say the wrong thing in session....I mean, she scheduled to be my teacher next semester! She could fail me......get me kicked out of the program....she has all the power over the one thing I have going for me right now.....

I'm a fucking fool for trusting....

***Update:
He texted back finally: "My supervisor said we could meet one last time to figure out where we want to go from here."

I'm so angry and hurt right now. It's like all possible fears I have about therapy are coming true all at once. I seemly dodged the bullet in having the supervisor sit in, but I have the feeling he's going to say he can't see me anymore. I took a chance and was finally open and honest....I sobbed in front of him....shared my darkest fears and secrets....and I have a feeling he's going to quit. This set the internal dialogue aflame...."No one can help you","You're too sick, there is no hope","He's disgusted with you....you're so disgusting".....I feel so much shame.....shame that I let down a wall....shame that I trusted.....on top of the shame of this illness....