Take two.....make that three...

So, a quick....okay maybe not quick....update on life in crazyville:

My therapist quit. At our last session he said his supervisor wanted me to get on medication to help with the depression. I told him no, that I have had horrible experiences with meds; that I experienced side effects worse than the depression; that I'm a single mom and don't have the support around me to help monitor symptoms. I gave him a list of all the meds that I've ever been prescribed for depression and anxiety. He told me his supervisor wanted to sit in on our next session. I told him no; told him that I didn't trust in her ability to not use the information she would learn about me against me in my professional life; that I hadn't heard good things about her as a teacher or a therapist; that she wasn't fooling me into thinking sitting in was about my well being and what's good for me, but about covering her own ass. He said he would go to bat for me. Didn't want to quit working together. It had been a month since I'd heard from him, so I text him asking him what was going on. He called back saying his supervisor said he couldn't work with me because I won't let her sit in.

in the time between contacts with my T......I started dating someone else.

Well. I didn't immediately start dating. I have been on a dating website for a while...I think I joined it when I was living in Isolationsville. Anyhow. After everything with my ex kind of just faded, I started replying to some guys on the dating site. One guy was particularly interesting and we clicked...we messaged on the site for a bit, then exchanged phone numbers and sent texts back a forth for a week. Then we started talking on the phone....and that first phone call was three hours long...We have so much in common, it's just scary. We went on our first date a little over a week ago, and have spent time either or talked on the phone....or exchanged texts everyday....

Being with him is.....wonderful....and it's weird and scary too. Mostly because of my fucked up head. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop....for something to go wrong.

......But when I'm with him; when I talk to him, it's like talking to a best friend....like I have known him for years. I even told him about my emotional baggage....depression and anxiety; about how OCD I get about things....and even about my self-injury and being in therapy....and he's "not scared off." We've talked about damn near everything....taboo and not....a small part of me testing him, I think.....

He tells me I'm beautiful...or calls me gorgeous.....and he says likes how independent I am.....and I don't think he likes me just because of what's on the outside....he says he really likes me....and....I almost believe him. I think a part of me even wants to...but....my negative internal dialogue is seriously getting to me...tearing...wearing me down....

Yet, strangely....I haven't wanted to cut since I met him.....not even a inkling of an urge....I've thought about it...but I don't want to...I have, however been high just about every day in the past month though...not necessarily when I'm with him...but....maybe that's why I'm so honest with him? Maybe that's why I'm so interesting to him?....interested by him?

But when I'm in his arms..I feel....different...I feel.....I don't know just yet what I feel....but it's different.....in a good way....but in a way that makes me hopeful...and yet scared to get my hopes up only to be shattered.

On another note, I am seeing a new T. A non-student intern, who works at the free clinic that I did my practicum at. Today was the first session...it was awkward...and weird....I am still angry and feel abandoned by my last T....I hate the thought of starting over.....I just started trusting him...and look where that got me....

She did say she understood what it was like to want to die....even not actively.....that kind of gives me hope.........that word again: hope......it makes me uncomfortable....