Had a couple really rough days. Couldn't find peace in numbness. Had a meeting with my T on Thursday. Walked out of the session with no hope, especially after he said he wasn't sure how to help me....my response..."I'm beginning to realize that no one can..." I feel like the walking dead. Nothing brings me joy anymore.
My ex had been trying to be helpful. Trying to find things to do. Brought over the Xbox so I could play rock band. Brought over a bunch of movies for me to watch. He's been very attentive. Very kind. But I don't feel worthy. I don't want his kindness. I know he cares for me, but not in the way that I'd wish. I don't think he'll ever settle down....commit to anything....anyone....especially not me. And who could blame him. I'm broken.....a mess....
My self injury has taken a turn for the worse. I can't sleep. I wake every two hours again. Exhausted....panicked...feeling like I can't breathe, like the world is tilting. I am fearful of running out of my herbal supplement. It has been a blessing. At least keeping me numb enough to function....go in public when need be...without panic....without fear.
I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have no memory of my life. It seems that life would me much simpler if I could just start fresh. I wish I believed in reincarnation.....or had some faith that theory.
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