I have been looking online for a therapist in the area that does DBT.....it's about the only type of therapy that I have heard of that has any luck treating self-injurious behavior. I have had no luck. I went on buslist....(a SI support chatroom) to see if anyone has any ideas and they suggested that I e-mail someone in my program....
I did.
Now I'm dealing with the anxiety....the asshole voice in my head....and a naseating urge to self-destruct......I'm not actually sure if the nausea is from the urge or trying to resist.....I suspect the latter. I feel like such an idiot!!!
What's worse, in the move, I have misplaced.....or perhaps accidentally threw away?....my sharps....I just spent an hour riffling through boxes like a psycho looking for them....I really need release.....
First thing after work....I need to hit wally world.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Herr hilf!
Friday at work I about had a panic attack in front of everyone.
The company that I work for has a mental health worker that comes around about once a month the all the sites just to "check in" on everyone. When I realize she's around I do my best to disappear, but Friday she caught me with my guard down and just her being around....observing....was enough to send me over the edge. As much as I want to ask for her assistance in finding some help, I can't help but think that would mark me as weak or unfit for my job. With my standings with the company already up in the air because my position was meant to be temporary, I cannot afford this.
This weekend has been.....well....it has been....it came and went...like any other. I took care of my nieces this weekend. My sister just had my youngest niece a little over a week ago and is having a hard go at it. She is completely overwhelmed and is having separation anxiety, not from her children, but from her husband. My sweet nieces stayed a night with me, so that she and he could spend some time together. The newest is such a good baby. It makes me want another, but I know in the condition I am in I cannot handle more stress. It wouldn't be fair.
I am still missing one of my textbooks for school. The school book store didn't end up getting it in stock, so I had to order it online, which according to half.com...will take about 14 days to arrive....FML!! Hopefully the teacher won't catch on that the answers to my homework sound more like wikipedia than scholarly.....
In my other class, we have to write brochures on a disorder found in the DSM-IV TR....I know what I would prefer to do.....self-injury....but not sure I have the balls....nor is it actually a disorder....not according to the DSM gurus anyway.....the only mention of self-injury.....or "mutilation", as they call it....is in the criteria for the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.....which kind of pisses me off....thankfully the new DSM will have a separate diagnostic diagnosis that more accurately describes and helps professionals treat those that self-harm.....unfortunately it isn't due to be published until May of 2013.....
The company that I work for has a mental health worker that comes around about once a month the all the sites just to "check in" on everyone. When I realize she's around I do my best to disappear, but Friday she caught me with my guard down and just her being around....observing....was enough to send me over the edge. As much as I want to ask for her assistance in finding some help, I can't help but think that would mark me as weak or unfit for my job. With my standings with the company already up in the air because my position was meant to be temporary, I cannot afford this.
This weekend has been.....well....it has been....it came and went...like any other. I took care of my nieces this weekend. My sister just had my youngest niece a little over a week ago and is having a hard go at it. She is completely overwhelmed and is having separation anxiety, not from her children, but from her husband. My sweet nieces stayed a night with me, so that she and he could spend some time together. The newest is such a good baby. It makes me want another, but I know in the condition I am in I cannot handle more stress. It wouldn't be fair.
I am still missing one of my textbooks for school. The school book store didn't end up getting it in stock, so I had to order it online, which according to half.com...will take about 14 days to arrive....FML!! Hopefully the teacher won't catch on that the answers to my homework sound more like wikipedia than scholarly.....
In my other class, we have to write brochures on a disorder found in the DSM-IV TR....I know what I would prefer to do.....self-injury....but not sure I have the balls....nor is it actually a disorder....not according to the DSM gurus anyway.....the only mention of self-injury.....or "mutilation", as they call it....is in the criteria for the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.....which kind of pisses me off....thankfully the new DSM will have a separate diagnostic diagnosis that more accurately describes and helps professionals treat those that self-harm.....unfortunately it isn't due to be published until May of 2013.....
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Body Rebellion
I haven't been getting much sleep. My sister just had a baby, another is pregnant, I just moved, my employment is up in the air.....there is just too much going on that even though I am exhausted to the core, my mind won't let me have a peaceful nights slumber.
My body has finally had enough. On top of the eye twitch that has been going on for over 2 weeks now, I fainted at work today--a completely new and unique experience that I may now cross off my bucket list of things I don't want to do before I die.
I was tucking in kiddies during nap time. I settled in a couple of cherubs and stood up to go help some others and suddenly I found myself on my back in the middle of the dramatic play area. I don't even remember falling. When I stood up things kind of slid sideways and I was down and confused. I banged the crap out of my head on the toy washer and dryer to boot! I have been an anxious mess...analyzing what happened...what went wrong....what's going on....since....on top of the usual anxious analysis of life, of course...
I just sat through an entire class (Adv. human development, for those of you playing the "how far is she in her degree program" home game) like a zombie. I completely recoiled into myself. I hid in my hair and spaced. It's times like these I'm glad that I don't talk in class...no one has that expectation....so no one was the wiser...
Another anxiety inducing issue going on right now is that one of my good friends was raped by another of my (now former) friends, who are both in the same degree program that I am in. I'm trying to help the first cope and deal instead of run away. She is also a cutter and deals with a lot of the same anxiety and self-esteem issues I do, so I really care about her well-being because we have bonded over our illness and experience.
Unfortunately, she has temporarily dropped out of the program. Leaving me to fend through the whole becoming a counselor process and having to face issues triggered by class topics alone. And even though, I know she is doing what she needs to do to cope right now....and I am totally supportive of her decisions and am there for her whenever, for whatever.....I am, as always, left feeling like....what about me?
I don't mean this in the selfish way that it sounds....I'm just finding my grasp of sanity slowly....and yet more quickly everyday.....slipping....and as usual....there is no one there to catch me if.....when.... I fall. And I don't know how to ask someone without them writing me off as weak...frail...fragile....I can't explain what I'm experiencing in a way that won't stigmatize me.....
I just need release. I need something that will help me until I can find a therapist that will take me on pro bono or get insurance....though I'm not holding my breath on either one. I don't want to fight this anymore. I feel on the verge of tears for no real reason other than I think I'm losing my mind....and rather than give into that feeling....losing control...possibly never to reattain it again.....I would rather cut.
My body has finally had enough. On top of the eye twitch that has been going on for over 2 weeks now, I fainted at work today--a completely new and unique experience that I may now cross off my bucket list of things I don't want to do before I die.
I was tucking in kiddies during nap time. I settled in a couple of cherubs and stood up to go help some others and suddenly I found myself on my back in the middle of the dramatic play area. I don't even remember falling. When I stood up things kind of slid sideways and I was down and confused. I banged the crap out of my head on the toy washer and dryer to boot! I have been an anxious mess...analyzing what happened...what went wrong....what's going on....since....on top of the usual anxious analysis of life, of course...
I just sat through an entire class (Adv. human development, for those of you playing the "how far is she in her degree program" home game) like a zombie. I completely recoiled into myself. I hid in my hair and spaced. It's times like these I'm glad that I don't talk in class...no one has that expectation....so no one was the wiser...
Another anxiety inducing issue going on right now is that one of my good friends was raped by another of my (now former) friends, who are both in the same degree program that I am in. I'm trying to help the first cope and deal instead of run away. She is also a cutter and deals with a lot of the same anxiety and self-esteem issues I do, so I really care about her well-being because we have bonded over our illness and experience.
Unfortunately, she has temporarily dropped out of the program. Leaving me to fend through the whole becoming a counselor process and having to face issues triggered by class topics alone. And even though, I know she is doing what she needs to do to cope right now....and I am totally supportive of her decisions and am there for her whenever, for whatever.....I am, as always, left feeling like....what about me?
I don't mean this in the selfish way that it sounds....I'm just finding my grasp of sanity slowly....and yet more quickly everyday.....slipping....and as usual....there is no one there to catch me if.....when.... I fall. And I don't know how to ask someone without them writing me off as weak...frail...fragile....I can't explain what I'm experiencing in a way that won't stigmatize me.....
I just need release. I need something that will help me until I can find a therapist that will take me on pro bono or get insurance....though I'm not holding my breath on either one. I don't want to fight this anymore. I feel on the verge of tears for no real reason other than I think I'm losing my mind....and rather than give into that feeling....losing control...possibly never to reattain it again.....I would rather cut.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
"You can't say that civilization don't advance....in every war they kill you in a new way" ---Will Rogers
I have finally escaped the black hole in the middle of nowhere and am settling into my new digs in civilization. Oh how I missed you 3am sirens chasing hoodlums down the street. Oh how I missed you asshole drivers who can't use a blinker! I actually missed these things.....you'd think that everything would right itself again.....not so much.....
My anxiety is rising to an almost unbearable point. I had thought it would be solved by the move. Moving back to my support network; moving back to where I have more resources, more possibilities, but that hasn't been the case. In fact my body is screaming out at me to do something....anything to alleviate it's stress.
I have had tic for almost two weeks now. So weird to experience--frustrating and uncontrollable, which is terrifying because one of my biggest anxiety issues is not having control....and now my own body is rebelling.
I have that sinking feeling in my gut that almost swallowed me six years ago. I am sliding down that slippery slope once again. I just hope that I don't take anyone else down with me.
I think about cutting almost every second of everyday. I haven't since the last episode that I shared on here. I'm too scared that my secret will be found out. That I will be judged. That I will loose face. The more I fight the urge the more I have the urge to do something self-destructive--drugs, drink, binge, purge........something---ANYTHING, to relieve the sinking, the pressure, the need for control.
My anxiety is rising to an almost unbearable point. I had thought it would be solved by the move. Moving back to my support network; moving back to where I have more resources, more possibilities, but that hasn't been the case. In fact my body is screaming out at me to do something....anything to alleviate it's stress.
I have had tic for almost two weeks now. So weird to experience--frustrating and uncontrollable, which is terrifying because one of my biggest anxiety issues is not having control....and now my own body is rebelling.
I have that sinking feeling in my gut that almost swallowed me six years ago. I am sliding down that slippery slope once again. I just hope that I don't take anyone else down with me.
I think about cutting almost every second of everyday. I haven't since the last episode that I shared on here. I'm too scared that my secret will be found out. That I will be judged. That I will loose face. The more I fight the urge the more I have the urge to do something self-destructive--drugs, drink, binge, purge........something---ANYTHING, to relieve the sinking, the pressure, the need for control.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
MMPI-2 results....FAIL!
Okay, so the one really cool/curious thing that I got out of class this summer was to get the pleasure/annoyance of taking the MMPI-2. For anyone that has never heard of it, you can learn more here: http://psychcorp.pearsonassessments.com/HAIWEB/Cultures/en-us/Productdetail.htm?Pid=MMPI-2
Basically it's a personality assessment that was normed for clinical populations (think live-in mental health facilities). I thought I would post the scales that were either higher than normal or lower than normal. Anyone wanna take a stab at interpreting my results??
Validity scale:
Fb: 83
L: 33 (below average)
S: 34 (below average)
Clinical scales:
D: 70
Pd: 81
Mf: 47 (below average)
Pt: 72
Sc: 72
Ma: 65
Si: 66
Content scales:
Anx: 76
Frs: 43 (below average)
Dep: 73
Ang: 68
Sod: 72
Fam: 68
Wrk: 65
Trt: 69
Supplementary scales:
Es: 39 (below average)
Do: 42 (below average)
Re: 41 (below average)
Mt: 74
PK: 67
MDS: 68
O-H: 37 (below average)
AAS: 73
GM: 43 (below average)
PSY-5 scales:
AGGR: 44 (below average)
NEGE: 68
Harris-Lingoes Subscales (gender normed):
Subjective Depression (D1): 75
Mental Dullness (D4): 70
Brooding (D5): 68
Familial Discord (Pd1): 80
Social Alienation (Pd4): 65
Self-Alienation (Pd5): 68
Social Alientaion (Sc1): 65
Psychomotor Acceleration (Ma2): 65
Social Introversion Subscales (gender normed):
Social Avoidance (Si2): 69
Content Component Scales (gender normed):
Lack of drive (DEP1): 70
Dysphoria (DEP2): 66
Self-Depreciation (DEP3): 75
Suicidal Ideation (DEP4): 93
Irritability (ANG2): 65
Self-Doubt (LSE1): 66
Introversion (SOD1): 70
Shyness (SOD2): 65
Familial Alienation (FAM2): 68
Inability to Disclose (TRT2): 68
Basically it's a personality assessment that was normed for clinical populations (think live-in mental health facilities). I thought I would post the scales that were either higher than normal or lower than normal. Anyone wanna take a stab at interpreting my results??
Validity scale:
Fb: 83
L: 33 (below average)
S: 34 (below average)
Clinical scales:
D: 70
Pd: 81
Mf: 47 (below average)
Pt: 72
Sc: 72
Ma: 65
Si: 66
Content scales:
Anx: 76
Frs: 43 (below average)
Dep: 73
Ang: 68
Sod: 72
Fam: 68
Wrk: 65
Trt: 69
Supplementary scales:
Es: 39 (below average)
Do: 42 (below average)
Re: 41 (below average)
Mt: 74
PK: 67
MDS: 68
O-H: 37 (below average)
AAS: 73
GM: 43 (below average)
PSY-5 scales:
AGGR: 44 (below average)
NEGE: 68
Harris-Lingoes Subscales (gender normed):
Subjective Depression (D1): 75
Mental Dullness (D4): 70
Brooding (D5): 68
Familial Discord (Pd1): 80
Social Alienation (Pd4): 65
Self-Alienation (Pd5): 68
Social Alientaion (Sc1): 65
Psychomotor Acceleration (Ma2): 65
Social Introversion Subscales (gender normed):
Social Avoidance (Si2): 69
Content Component Scales (gender normed):
Lack of drive (DEP1): 70
Dysphoria (DEP2): 66
Self-Depreciation (DEP3): 75
Suicidal Ideation (DEP4): 93
Irritability (ANG2): 65
Self-Doubt (LSE1): 66
Introversion (SOD1): 70
Shyness (SOD2): 65
Familial Alienation (FAM2): 68
Inability to Disclose (TRT2): 68
Sinking feeling....
I feel like I'm in the midst of a panic attack. I'm so ready to move back to civilization and get the hell away from my step family and their abuse. I keep getting this feeling in my gut that I'm going to come home after work one day to find that she's burned down my house, changed the locks, or sold all my things.
It seems that now that I'm no longer doing what the step mother wants, I'm of no use to her and I'm back to being a second-class citizen. I wanted so badly to believe that step mom really wanted a relationship. I was so ready to believe that the only reason she treated me like shit for...well...the entire time I have known her, was because she was upset that my dad was cheating on her. I was so ready to forgive and try not to hold it against her; move forward.
I don't know what hurts more: the fact that I really wanted her to accept me like my father has accepted her children, or the fact that I, once again, allowed myself to get used, and now I look...and feel like the bad guy, even though I know I'm did what was best for me and mine; I put myself out there to help someone--family--and now that I need someone on my side, someone to comfort, help, listen to, and have my back, I'm left out in the cold.
And all I want is for my dad to tell her to back off, get her head on straight, leave me the hell alone, point out the fact that he has helped raise her children and this is the first time I've ever asked or needed their help, or stand up to her in anyway. I mean, I have lost a lot of respect for him this last year, with finding out that he's been cheating on her for the last 10-odd years. He hurt everyone doing that. But she's been putting him through hell all year. Either get help putting the marriage back together...which I'm not sure there ever was a marriage....or just leave her.
I'm to the point that once I get move, I really don't want anything to do with this mess anymore. I mean, I love my dad. Sadly, I really do, but if this is how he wants to live, that is his decision. I don't want any part of it. I am tired of trying to build a bridge only to have his psycho wife throw cannonballs at it every time she feels insecure. Fuck 'em. They can have each other. He doesn't understand how much it hurt me to say it, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm always the one to get sidelined or hurt when he can't take care of his business. I'm always number 2...or 3....or 4....or 5....I've never been even remotely at the top of his priority list. And it's probably better to cut my losses now, because I don't think I could handle it if he ends up dying before that woman. I know he's never thought about it, but I would have nothing but bad memories to remember him by if that happens...not a cowboy hat, jacket, nothing. She would make sure of that. I think it's better to erase him from my mind and my daughter's now; start building wall instead of bridges.
It seems that now that I'm no longer doing what the step mother wants, I'm of no use to her and I'm back to being a second-class citizen. I wanted so badly to believe that step mom really wanted a relationship. I was so ready to believe that the only reason she treated me like shit for...well...the entire time I have known her, was because she was upset that my dad was cheating on her. I was so ready to forgive and try not to hold it against her; move forward.
I don't know what hurts more: the fact that I really wanted her to accept me like my father has accepted her children, or the fact that I, once again, allowed myself to get used, and now I look...and feel like the bad guy, even though I know I'm did what was best for me and mine; I put myself out there to help someone--family--and now that I need someone on my side, someone to comfort, help, listen to, and have my back, I'm left out in the cold.
And all I want is for my dad to tell her to back off, get her head on straight, leave me the hell alone, point out the fact that he has helped raise her children and this is the first time I've ever asked or needed their help, or stand up to her in anyway. I mean, I have lost a lot of respect for him this last year, with finding out that he's been cheating on her for the last 10-odd years. He hurt everyone doing that. But she's been putting him through hell all year. Either get help putting the marriage back together...which I'm not sure there ever was a marriage....or just leave her.
I'm to the point that once I get move, I really don't want anything to do with this mess anymore. I mean, I love my dad. Sadly, I really do, but if this is how he wants to live, that is his decision. I don't want any part of it. I am tired of trying to build a bridge only to have his psycho wife throw cannonballs at it every time she feels insecure. Fuck 'em. They can have each other. He doesn't understand how much it hurt me to say it, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm always the one to get sidelined or hurt when he can't take care of his business. I'm always number 2...or 3....or 4....or 5....I've never been even remotely at the top of his priority list. And it's probably better to cut my losses now, because I don't think I could handle it if he ends up dying before that woman. I know he's never thought about it, but I would have nothing but bad memories to remember him by if that happens...not a cowboy hat, jacket, nothing. She would make sure of that. I think it's better to erase him from my mind and my daughter's now; start building wall instead of bridges.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Fuck Family....at least this side
Yes, blogger world, I am still alive and kicking....notice how I didn't say sane.
I decided to take summer courses, and have been kicking my own ass all summer for that stupid, stupid, STUPID decision. I did my undergrad work in 8 week courses, so I thought, what the hell, right? WRONG!
They end on Wednesday. I will have to fill you in on my summer adventure later because I have another, more pressing rant and rave right now.
FUCK MY FAMILY!!! or more particularly....my evil step mother.
I stopped caring for step grandma and grandpa in January. I moved to nowheresville to help them out. I ruined my car to help them out. They didn't pay me for the first two months I worked for them, didn't pay me for the last month I worked for them. When they did pay me, it wasn't even minimun wage and I was working like 50-60 hours a week. Not to mention they moved me into one of their rental properties, where I spent about a grand making it liveable, and there is still a leak in the roof that has created mold that is taking over one of the rooms!!!
So I go out to the parent's house last night for "family dinner" and she jumped my ass about having stopped paying rent in March!
Okay, call me crazy....don't worry I have called myself that many, many times so you won't offend....but not only do they owe ME money, but I'm their fucking daughter who relocated for THEM. I have been a complete nervous, depressed messed since I moved away from my friend and support network. I am still catching up on bills from the months they short changed me, AND I had to buy a new (12 year old) car this month because I ruined mine this winter driving out to the middle of BFE through the snow drifts to watch the old ones, so that she could make it to work. Not to mention the fact that they paid for BOTH of my step-sisters college education and living expenses. Do I owe her??
I decided to take summer courses, and have been kicking my own ass all summer for that stupid, stupid, STUPID decision. I did my undergrad work in 8 week courses, so I thought, what the hell, right? WRONG!
They end on Wednesday. I will have to fill you in on my summer adventure later because I have another, more pressing rant and rave right now.
FUCK MY FAMILY!!! or more particularly....my evil step mother.
I stopped caring for step grandma and grandpa in January. I moved to nowheresville to help them out. I ruined my car to help them out. They didn't pay me for the first two months I worked for them, didn't pay me for the last month I worked for them. When they did pay me, it wasn't even minimun wage and I was working like 50-60 hours a week. Not to mention they moved me into one of their rental properties, where I spent about a grand making it liveable, and there is still a leak in the roof that has created mold that is taking over one of the rooms!!!
So I go out to the parent's house last night for "family dinner" and she jumped my ass about having stopped paying rent in March!
Okay, call me crazy....don't worry I have called myself that many, many times so you won't offend....but not only do they owe ME money, but I'm their fucking daughter who relocated for THEM. I have been a complete nervous, depressed messed since I moved away from my friend and support network. I am still catching up on bills from the months they short changed me, AND I had to buy a new (12 year old) car this month because I ruined mine this winter driving out to the middle of BFE through the snow drifts to watch the old ones, so that she could make it to work. Not to mention the fact that they paid for BOTH of my step-sisters college education and living expenses. Do I owe her??
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
