Body Rebellion

I haven't been getting much sleep. My sister just had a baby, another is pregnant, I just moved, my employment is up in the air.....there is just too much going on that even though I am exhausted to the core, my mind won't let me have a peaceful nights slumber.

My body has finally had enough. On top of the eye twitch that has been going on for over 2 weeks now, I fainted at work today--a completely new and unique experience that I may now cross off my bucket list of things I don't want to do before I die.

I was tucking in kiddies during nap time. I settled in a couple of cherubs and stood up to go help some others and suddenly I found myself on my back in the middle of the dramatic play area. I don't even remember falling. When I stood up things kind of slid sideways and I was down and confused. I banged the crap out of my head on the toy washer and dryer to boot! I have been an anxious mess...analyzing what happened...what went wrong....what's going on....since....on top of the usual anxious analysis of life, of course...

I just sat through an entire class (Adv. human development, for those of you playing the "how far is she in her degree program" home game) like a zombie. I completely recoiled into myself. I hid in my hair and spaced. It's times like these I'm glad that I don't talk in class...no one has that expectation....so no one was the wiser...

Another anxiety inducing issue going on right now is that one of my good friends was raped by another of my (now former) friends, who are both in the same degree program that I am in. I'm trying to help the first cope and deal instead of run away. She is also a cutter and deals with a lot of the same anxiety and self-esteem issues I do, so I really care about her well-being because we have bonded over our illness and experience.

Unfortunately, she has temporarily dropped out of the program. Leaving me to fend through the whole becoming a counselor process and having to face issues triggered by class topics alone. And even though, I know she is doing what she needs to do to cope right now....and I am totally supportive of her decisions and am there for her whenever, for whatever.....I am, as always, left feeling like....what about me?

I don't mean this in the selfish way that it sounds....I'm just finding my grasp of sanity slowly....and yet more quickly everyday.....slipping....and as usual....there is no one there to catch me if.....when.... I fall. And I don't know how to ask someone without them writing me off as weak...frail...fragile....I can't explain what I'm experiencing in a way that won't stigmatize me.....

I just need release. I need something that will help me until I can find a therapist that will take me on pro bono or get insurance....though I'm not holding my breath on either one. I don't want to fight this anymore. I feel on the verge of tears for no real reason other than I think I'm losing my mind....and rather than give into that feeling....losing control...possibly never to reattain it again.....I would rather cut.