Session Three

I feel numb.....empty.....

I think I may be overwhelming my therapist. He admitted that, while he thinks he can help, he doesn't know where to start.....all I hear is "you're too fucked up, and can't be helped." I broke down. I cried. I hate myself for it. I want to cut so bad. I hate this feeling of so much emotion that I start to space out and feel nothing. I need to clear my head...process things....but my head wants to shut down.

He suggested we start with assertiveness training.

He suggested books, so I ordered them when I got home.

He didn't mention the "what do you want out of therapy?" question. I am kind of upset. I actually made a list. But starting somewhere is better than having no direction, so I will go with it.

After I broke down in tears, I started to shut down. I wanted to run to the bathroom, make myself feel something. That's when he suggested the books. I don't know if he noticed the change in affect. I hope he didn't interpret it as ambivalence toward the book idea. While it is true the idea of reading and discussing self-help books in therapy is new to me.....I'm okay with it I suppose. (I am really hoping that he's not suggesting it out of last resort...).....I was just trying to focus on the fact that he was talking and I was supposed to be responding. I was spacing out so bad.....

The crying. Breaking down in front of a stranger. Really triggered me. When I decided I needed therapy I accepted the fact the I was going to have deal with being uncomfortable and sharing with a perfect stranger. It was a risk that didn't outweigh the benefits. I certainly didn't expect it to make me come unglued.

I am exhausted. I want to sit, stare blankly into nothingness and retreat into myself. I have another appointment in a couple of weeks. Hopefully I will have gotten the books and had a chance to read a bit.

Session Two

So, I went to my second session with said new therapist.

It was about the same as the first. Don't really think we made much progress....though, I understand this is the point in the therapeutic relationship where you build rapport, I just seems aimless...

Again he asked what I would like out of therapy.

I told him, I don't know. If I had the answers, I wouldn't be in therapy. I'm an intelligent, insightful person. I know that my issues now have to do with my past. I can see that, I understand the connection, but that doesn't help me move forward.

I told him again that I would like to like myself more. He didn't hear me....or that wasn't what he wanted to hear. Something about the way he dismissed that statement makes me think he has an agenda.....or that could just be my trust issues talking....

We talked about my social phobia. How it's spiraling into agoraphobia....I can see that. So lets address that?!?!

We talked about my trust issues....my self-esteem issues....all being tied to past trauma and family issues....DUH!! So let's address that?!?!?

It's weird. I like the guy and all. He's very instinctive....good at hitting the nail on the head without a microscope....but let's get on with it!

He suggested I see someone for meds. He thinks my anxiety has caused the depression. I can see that. My anxiety has cause my social isolation...which feeds into the whole self-depreciating internal dialogue regarding my worth....makes sense. But I'm terrified to admit to him that I'm scared that if I do take meds they will A: make me suicidal (happened before, almost succeeded!) or B: I will become dependant on them or abuse them furthering my downward spiral. Quick fixes (like meds) is why I got to the point in wanting therapy....needing therapy, in the first place!!

So what do I really want from therapy?

1. I want to trust
2. I want to like myself
3. I want to stop hurting myself in ALL ways
4. I want to feel worthy
5. I want to see the future as something positive--> NO MORE hoping for the best, waiting for the worst
6. I want to be happy
7. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin

Is that too much to want? Do you think he will get it? Should I just print this and take it in?

Session One

So I had my first session in almost seven years with a therapist.

I don't even know where to start.

I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin before I got to the door.....my heart was pounding...I did that stupid defensive "passive giggle" every three seconds....and tried to make light of my sordid past.....I couldn't allow myself to feel....I'm too scared....I don't think I could handle it....I have too much at stake.....

He asked some questions I couldn't think straight enough to answer on the spot.

He asked me what made me decide to come to counseling now....

I explained the insurance issue....that wasn't what he was looking for. What's stupid is I know what he was looking for, but I couldn't say it. I couldn't make myself....I couldn't put myself out there like that....I don't trust easily....and I didn't really know what my role was there....I was caught between future therapist...so I should have some decorum of self control and insight.....and just letting it all hang out and melting into a little puddle begging him to just fix me, which I of course know he can't do....

So what made me want to go to therapy?

I'm falling apart from the inside out. I know where this path leads and I don't want to go there. I don't want to want to self-destruct. And I feel it coming. How do you say this to a therapist....a future colleague (not that I could ever come close to being at this guys level....I was very impressed...needless to say...because I'm seeing him again next week).....how do you say this without sounding despirate....hopeless...how do you say it an maintain "face"?

Another thing he asked was what can we work on...as in where do we start??

All I could say was...."I just don't really like myself right now".....which is completely true....and I'm glad I didn't have to explain....but I know it coming....

I did tell him about SI-ing....about being depressed...about my anxiety.....just discussing it....was hard....it made me think about how illogical it is that one could be both depressed (and lowered state of arousal) and anxious (a heightened state of arousal) all in the same body, space, time, etc....but I am...

He didn't freak out about the SI thing....he seemed really insightful....which is a nice change from previous therapeutic experiences....

He asked a lot about my past history which was over whelming....I realize on the way home I forgot to tell him about my counseling at TSU....which one would think would be something I wouldn't forget....it was one of the better experiences, as far as counseling goes.....but also...the trauma from TSU is still too close to home....I have only told one other person about it....and it wasn't my counselor then....it wasn't until last year I think that I told someone about it....

Once he opens that door, I'm afraid I won't be able to shut it, and I'm not stable enough to do that right now. It was bad enough discussing the abuse in my childhood....having those memories flood my conscious mind while trying to maintain composure and focus....I noticed myself trying to side track...say things that didn't have much to do with anything....

I don't know how he's not confused...I am....trying to pin down dates....or at least time frames to things that I have banished from my mind isn't easy....which meds. I took when, how old I was when what abuse happened....

So, what do I want help with?

I just want to be happy. I look at my life and I know that I'm missing something. I have few friends...none that know me...the real me....I haven't had a relationship with someone of the opposite sex in four years....yet alone a sexual one....I don't want to hurt anymore....I don't want to want to hurt myself. I don't want to feel like that the only thing holding me together. I want to feel like my life isn't a struggle just to get to the next day....I want to be proud of my opinions, my life, how far I've come and where I'm going....but I don't. I feel less....just less....like nothing I do is good enough.....for who, I don't know....no one knows the struggles, I've made myself invisible....but I still feel like I'm not good enough.....like I'm carrying around .my weight in shame....and I don't want to drown, but the current is pulling me under.

the pit of my stomach....

Went to a meeting about practicum tonight. I don't think I'm going to be able to do it.....so not great.....I don't think I'm going to be able to start this spring like I had planned. Now that I have a full time job and insurance....I can't afford to let those things go. Practicum would mean 7+ more hours per week of work in another setting (a clinical one with clients). I can barely afford daycare now, yet alone, evening care. I would be looking at working roughly 8-5 at my current job plus doing practicum hours after that. I just can't see doing that to my child....being away from her more than I am....and I am a single mom, so it's not like I have anyone I can depend on....

My anxiety is out of control over this realization. I really don't know what to do. Eventually I will have to give up my job....but I will need part-time employment....or at least more flexible hours, which I don't have the luxury of at the current position....

I need sleep....I need release....

Dread

So I have finally found a therapist....I think I have....I haven't met him yet....not really keen on seeing a dude, but whatever. He is taking new patients...

I e-mailed him and he called me back the next day. I got my insurance cards finally. As of Monday I will be fully insured...but who knows if they will authorize a mental health visit.

I described to him my anxiety....leaving "little" details out....more of a summary than the nitty-gritty. If he works out, I'm sure I will trust him enough to tell him all my dirty little secrets.

My anxiety is rolling. Taking over. I fear getting in to the parking lot for my first visit and chickening out. I fear him opening the door and me having a panic attack right then and there. I fear he will feel he cannot help me. I fear this whole experience and all the unknowable that goes along with it.

"Life can only be understood backward..." ---Soren Kierlegaard

Just checking in with blogger land.

This week was hell in a handbasket two sizes too small. Started it off with kidney stones, then hyperextended my knee, and finished the week off with two days of puking....all on top of overwhelming anxiety and ever-deepening depression. Anyone care to join me in saying, this officially sucks?

One more week until I have insurance, but I haven't gotten my cards in the mail, so my mind if racing over that. What if they didn't file the paper work? What if they lost it? Will I have to wait another two months? Will I make it through the stress of the holidays without losing it? I am cutting three times a week at least, just to keep a level head....just to be able to function....I can't wait another two months...I just can't....

"The truth about childhood is stored up in our body and lives in the depth of our soul. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings can be numbed and manipulated, our perception shamed and confused, our bodies tricked with medications. But our soul never forgets."

--Alice Miller, Swiss psychologist