Session One

So I had my first session in almost seven years with a therapist.

I don't even know where to start.

I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin before I got to the door.....my heart was pounding...I did that stupid defensive "passive giggle" every three seconds....and tried to make light of my sordid past.....I couldn't allow myself to feel....I'm too scared....I don't think I could handle it....I have too much at stake.....

He asked some questions I couldn't think straight enough to answer on the spot.

He asked me what made me decide to come to counseling now....

I explained the insurance issue....that wasn't what he was looking for. What's stupid is I know what he was looking for, but I couldn't say it. I couldn't make myself....I couldn't put myself out there like that....I don't trust easily....and I didn't really know what my role was there....I was caught between future therapist...so I should have some decorum of self control and insight.....and just letting it all hang out and melting into a little puddle begging him to just fix me, which I of course know he can't do....

So what made me want to go to therapy?

I'm falling apart from the inside out. I know where this path leads and I don't want to go there. I don't want to want to self-destruct. And I feel it coming. How do you say this to a therapist....a future colleague (not that I could ever come close to being at this guys level....I was very impressed...needless to say...because I'm seeing him again next week).....how do you say this without sounding despirate....hopeless...how do you say it an maintain "face"?

Another thing he asked was what can we work on...as in where do we start??

All I could say was...."I just don't really like myself right now".....which is completely true....and I'm glad I didn't have to explain....but I know it coming....

I did tell him about SI-ing....about being depressed...about my anxiety.....just discussing it....was hard....it made me think about how illogical it is that one could be both depressed (and lowered state of arousal) and anxious (a heightened state of arousal) all in the same body, space, time, etc....but I am...

He didn't freak out about the SI thing....he seemed really insightful....which is a nice change from previous therapeutic experiences....

He asked a lot about my past history which was over whelming....I realize on the way home I forgot to tell him about my counseling at TSU....which one would think would be something I wouldn't forget....it was one of the better experiences, as far as counseling goes.....but also...the trauma from TSU is still too close to home....I have only told one other person about it....and it wasn't my counselor then....it wasn't until last year I think that I told someone about it....

Once he opens that door, I'm afraid I won't be able to shut it, and I'm not stable enough to do that right now. It was bad enough discussing the abuse in my childhood....having those memories flood my conscious mind while trying to maintain composure and focus....I noticed myself trying to side track...say things that didn't have much to do with anything....

I don't know how he's not confused...I am....trying to pin down dates....or at least time frames to things that I have banished from my mind isn't easy....which meds. I took when, how old I was when what abuse happened....

So, what do I want help with?

I just want to be happy. I look at my life and I know that I'm missing something. I have few friends...none that know me...the real me....I haven't had a relationship with someone of the opposite sex in four years....yet alone a sexual one....I don't want to hurt anymore....I don't want to want to hurt myself. I don't want to feel like that the only thing holding me together. I want to feel like my life isn't a struggle just to get to the next day....I want to be proud of my opinions, my life, how far I've come and where I'm going....but I don't. I feel less....just less....like nothing I do is good enough.....for who, I don't know....no one knows the struggles, I've made myself invisible....but I still feel like I'm not good enough.....like I'm carrying around .my weight in shame....and I don't want to drown, but the current is pulling me under.