Session Three

I feel numb.....empty.....

I think I may be overwhelming my therapist. He admitted that, while he thinks he can help, he doesn't know where to start.....all I hear is "you're too fucked up, and can't be helped." I broke down. I cried. I hate myself for it. I want to cut so bad. I hate this feeling of so much emotion that I start to space out and feel nothing. I need to clear my head...process things....but my head wants to shut down.

He suggested we start with assertiveness training.

He suggested books, so I ordered them when I got home.

He didn't mention the "what do you want out of therapy?" question. I am kind of upset. I actually made a list. But starting somewhere is better than having no direction, so I will go with it.

After I broke down in tears, I started to shut down. I wanted to run to the bathroom, make myself feel something. That's when he suggested the books. I don't know if he noticed the change in affect. I hope he didn't interpret it as ambivalence toward the book idea. While it is true the idea of reading and discussing self-help books in therapy is new to me.....I'm okay with it I suppose. (I am really hoping that he's not suggesting it out of last resort...).....I was just trying to focus on the fact that he was talking and I was supposed to be responding. I was spacing out so bad.....

The crying. Breaking down in front of a stranger. Really triggered me. When I decided I needed therapy I accepted the fact the I was going to have deal with being uncomfortable and sharing with a perfect stranger. It was a risk that didn't outweigh the benefits. I certainly didn't expect it to make me come unglued.

I am exhausted. I want to sit, stare blankly into nothingness and retreat into myself. I have another appointment in a couple of weeks. Hopefully I will have gotten the books and had a chance to read a bit.