"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -A. Einstein

I'm tired of being insane.

Last night my dad called to wish me a happy birthday. He then handed the phone over to my step-monster who told me that they were doing T-giving at their house today. I told her I was sick (I have been ill for three days now....yay flu season!) and didn't want to expose the old people to whatever I have. I also told her that I had already made plans to go out to a movie with my daughter, her dad, and his mom. (We play happy family now and again for the kiddo's sake....and to be honest, it feels good....how sad is that?!). I told her we would probably not make it. Granted, I could have gone....I could have broken my plans that I was looking forward to. I could have gone and shared the wealth of whatever bug I have. To be honest, I really didn't want to go. I don't trust my step mom or her lap dog, spoiled brat of a daughter. Her other daughter and I get along well (she's the one who has my nieces), but she isn't much support when her mom is around. Anyway. The step-monster sounded pleasant enough over the phone. She was really nice.....I should have known better. We hung up. I thought I had made myself clear. I had played nice. Didn't tell her to go to hell. Didn't tell her I don't like being down there because I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and can't let my guard down and just relax. Maybe I should have told her how I feel. I think it would have had the same result...

So today I woke up feeling worse than ever, with a fever to boot. (It hasn't broken yet.) Went to the urgent care, as nothing else is open on a Sunday. Waited for 4 hours. Got some antibiotics. Went out to eat....(well...I mostly stared at the plate....) and went to a movie. The day flew by. I didn't even think about having missed t-giving dinner. I had a good day. Until I got home.

I checked my phone, which was still silenced from having gone to the movies and I had received a message from my step sister...the one I don't like much:

"Just to let u know, u had a bday card and a cake with ur name on it from ur dad tonight."

I told her I had talked to them last night and told her mom I wasn't coming. I told her I forgot to call and remind them. Told her about going to the doc, being sick, and already having plans.

Her response:
"Well, u should prolly tell ur dad that. Not me

I called. The step-monster answered. She seemed pleasant. I apologised for not calling. Told her about my day. She passed the phone to dad. He seemed a little hurt, and as usual, didn't want to be on the phone (he hates phones, I think he thinks they bite.). So I get off the phone.

I text her back that I had just called. Told her not to worry about me. I'm grown. That I didn't think anyone wanted me down there being sick and sharing. That I had already made plans anyhow. I told her that I had already told this to her mom yesterday and that I was sorry that I missed it.

She responded that I "didn't need to get smart" and that "U know I'll put u in ur place" (I really did LOL over this one!) She said I needed to stop all this kiddy shit with my dad when he's trying to make everything alright with everyone. (no clue what she's talking about here...it's not about my dad, it's about her mom!) Then she told me that I "wouldn't know that b/c I don't need help moving or fixing anything right now." (My step-monster has been trying for years to get my dad to believe....and unfortunately somewhat successfully I fear, that I only come around when I need something. Let's just forget the fact that the lap-dog got her car paid for, college paid for, housing paid for, etc, etc...oh and I'm the one who stupidly agreed to give them the last year of my life in the hopes of helping them, getting in the step-monster's good graces, and being closer to my dad....boy did that back fire!)

I kind of got ugly after that:

"If there's bad blood between me and anyone, it's news to me! I thought H was doing the holiday @ her house on Friday, but never heard anymore about it. I talked to BOTH of our parents last night just fine. If someone is acting all butt hurt that's their deal but they need to say it to my face instead of talking to you about it. I'm not trying to start shit, you started it by assuming that me not coming today meant something that it didn't. Please forgive me for being sick and already having plans!"

She went on to say that she didn't "give a shit" if I was there or not. That I'd hurt dad's feelings and she was the only one who was going to say something about the "way I treat ppl."

I pointed out all the ways that I have helped my family in the last year: Helping my sister when she wanted to get out; I watched the girls. I helped take care of the old people (til I couldn't take it any more). I helped her mom spy on my dad when he was cheating (still regret helping her on that one...at least he was with someone who made him happy, my bad!). I bought groceries for them on several occasions....one time like $150 worth of meat because step-monster told me how much they spend in groceries since the old people moved in and was worried about it. I just paid a $300 utility bill (of which only $157 was mine, the rest in late fees and deposits) because gpa had lost the bill messing in the mail....AGAIN! That wasn't even the first time I'd paid their deposit and late fees because gpa took and lost the bill. I had even offered to pay "back rent" (whatever the step-monster thought she was "due" for letting me and her granddaughter stay in that cockroach and mold infested place they call a rental (of which in the whole year I was there they didn't rent out the other apt. once because it was so filthy), my dad told me not to worry about that though. I told her I didn't get how I was the bad guy. I told her this was silly.

She didn't respond.

So why do I feel so worthless? I want a relationship with my dad, but I can't handle the shit stirring crap his family is into. I sit here finding ways to justify why "they" think I'm such a bad person. I try to be a good, kind, caring, giving person. I must not be doing a very good job, huh...

I don't know what to do. I love my dad. I shouldn't have to compete with his wife. I was here first. He says she makes him happy, and I want that. I want him to be happy. Unfortunately what makes him happy makes me miserable....uncomfortable....anxious...so I back away. I let them be. I have only talked to him like three times since I moved in August. When I do I always make sure to tell him I love him..... and I do! I just have to love myself once in a while too. And I can't handle their drama anymore.

How is it that some people can be so comfortable being selfish? I want to be like that. All I feel is guilty. I shouldn't feel guilty for taking care of myself. I shouldn't feel guilty making sure I'm okay. But somehow, someone always makes me feel like a selfish bitch for saying no.

Maybe my therapist's right. I need assertiveness....I just hope that comes with a super-sized cup of "Fuck it" and a side of "I'm worth it"