"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet."--Unknown

I am stressed.

School is kicking my ass, and it seems that it isn't going to get any better. I am doing my practicum (think clinical hours for those of you who just went, "wait, WTF is that?").

For my practicum I have to get 4 videos of me working with clients and 100 hours of direct and indirect client contact. I'm doing alright at hours. I may come up short, but not for lack of trying....and I've given up stressing over that...because...well, I'm doing everything in my control at this point. I finally got 2 videos of me working one-on-one with clients and I am supposed to show one to the class. Okay...cool, right?? NOT SO MUCH.

When I started the program they told us we had to buy a video camera to capture these videos as well as recording various other skill building exercises for review. There were two cameras recommended: a cheaper and a more expensive one. I went with the more expensive one, viewing it as an investment in my education.

So back to showing the videos....so we are supposed to show one to the class. Well, that would be all well and good, if the audio equipment in the classrooms wasn't completely jacked up! The feedback between the camera, which plugs in to the USB on the computer and the connection to the computer and the audio equipment buzzes so loud you can barely hear the video. Even I can figure the problem out and I'm by no means an AV nerd!!!

Now the teacher is telling us, with less than 4 class periods left in the semester, that "if" our video cannot be heard we have to fully transcribe the whole session! W-T-F?!?!?!? First of all, the videos play just fine on my computer. So did someone else's video that didn't fair so well last class on the crappy classroom equipment. So how is that her/my fault? Fully transcribing a session is a MAJOR undertaking. Could we not have figured out this was going to be a problem, be proactive, and give the students a little more notice? Fix the problem instead of passing the buck, as if the audio issue is the fault of the student and they therefore should have to work their asses off even more??

No.....I'm not just stressed.....I'm PISSED!

“Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.” Arthur Somer

Another mind draining night of class. I usually enjoy classes...this one was nearly 5 hours of research methods....trying to concentrate, understand, apply statistical concepts to hypothetical research proposals.....not my cup of tea. I would rather scoop my eyes out with a spork than become a researcher. Guess a doctoral program is out of the question for my future. Oh well.

I feel so numb. I waited too long. Now I'm stuck. Going through the motions. Overloaded with emotions to the point of deadness. I tried. I tried to wait it out. I wasn't strong enough.

On a positive note, I slept well.

"Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again" --Tori Amos

I'm back....

Yeah, I'm still fucked up. Still having a mad love affair with self-loathing and self destruction...

Sadly that is my only sense of security at the moment...maybe that's why I'm back.

I'll give you the short of it...things are pretty fucked up, which I'm sure you guessed...

My job...still doing the pre-school teacher gig. The insurance is great. The co-workers are great. The job security...well...not so secure. The powers that be decided to screw with us all, not renewing the lease on our humble abode last summer and not looking for a new one until the first of this year, leaving us all wondering whether or not to find new employment....for THE PAST SIX MONTHS! At first it was, "oh, don't worry, we'll take care of everyone" now it's "well, maybe we will"....now it's "I think we can".....and our lease runs out in 34 days! So...yeah....I may be out of a job. FUN!

Started seeing a therapist again (just in time to be without insurance!!). Really liked her....then not so much...now....I really want to like her. She knows of the SI-ing. Didn't freak. Came up with a "game plan." We tried it....and.... let's just say Family Systems Therapy over a lunch break...not really a great idea. And now she wants to try DBT. So...I'm pretty sure I'm getting written off as Borderline....which...I suppose there are worse things...but I'm fairly sure I do not have BPD.

Considering I nearly had the first panic attack in years in her office because she was having me "look inside myself" and try to see the small child inside and ask her why she feels worthless, weak, used, sad, etc....the flashback literally took my breath away....I'm guessing PTSD or some form of that is a much closer approximation of what's going on "inside;" why I hurt myself, why I'm anxious all the time, why I don't trust....etc....etc....

School has been going great until this semester. I'm doing my practicum....or at least I'm trying. I have to have 100 hours of indirect and direct client contact hours and it's not happening. I also am supposed to have 4 videos of me working with a client in a session...which of course isn't happening because the hours aren't happening. It's just one giant circular cluster fuck, to be honest....and I'm pay for it...literally, and with what little sanity I have left.

So here I am. I'm back. Sitting here. Feeling at the end of my rope. Haven't slept more than two hours at a time in the past four days. My eye twitching from stress. Electric anxiety coursing through my body. Words escaping me. My mind screaming for disassociation and taking me there against my will. So terribly urgy that I am holding my security. Shredding paper into tiny pieces. Wish to be the paper. Trying to deny the urge. But knowing that I won't win tonight.....but at least I will sleep.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -A. Einstein

I'm tired of being insane.

Last night my dad called to wish me a happy birthday. He then handed the phone over to my step-monster who told me that they were doing T-giving at their house today. I told her I was sick (I have been ill for three days now....yay flu season!) and didn't want to expose the old people to whatever I have. I also told her that I had already made plans to go out to a movie with my daughter, her dad, and his mom. (We play happy family now and again for the kiddo's sake....and to be honest, it feels good....how sad is that?!). I told her we would probably not make it. Granted, I could have gone....I could have broken my plans that I was looking forward to. I could have gone and shared the wealth of whatever bug I have. To be honest, I really didn't want to go. I don't trust my step mom or her lap dog, spoiled brat of a daughter. Her other daughter and I get along well (she's the one who has my nieces), but she isn't much support when her mom is around. Anyway. The step-monster sounded pleasant enough over the phone. She was really nice.....I should have known better. We hung up. I thought I had made myself clear. I had played nice. Didn't tell her to go to hell. Didn't tell her I don't like being down there because I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and can't let my guard down and just relax. Maybe I should have told her how I feel. I think it would have had the same result...

So today I woke up feeling worse than ever, with a fever to boot. (It hasn't broken yet.) Went to the urgent care, as nothing else is open on a Sunday. Waited for 4 hours. Got some antibiotics. Went out to eat....(well...I mostly stared at the plate....) and went to a movie. The day flew by. I didn't even think about having missed t-giving dinner. I had a good day. Until I got home.

I checked my phone, which was still silenced from having gone to the movies and I had received a message from my step sister...the one I don't like much:

"Just to let u know, u had a bday card and a cake with ur name on it from ur dad tonight."

I told her I had talked to them last night and told her mom I wasn't coming. I told her I forgot to call and remind them. Told her about going to the doc, being sick, and already having plans.

Her response:
"Well, u should prolly tell ur dad that. Not me

I called. The step-monster answered. She seemed pleasant. I apologised for not calling. Told her about my day. She passed the phone to dad. He seemed a little hurt, and as usual, didn't want to be on the phone (he hates phones, I think he thinks they bite.). So I get off the phone.

I text her back that I had just called. Told her not to worry about me. I'm grown. That I didn't think anyone wanted me down there being sick and sharing. That I had already made plans anyhow. I told her that I had already told this to her mom yesterday and that I was sorry that I missed it.

She responded that I "didn't need to get smart" and that "U know I'll put u in ur place" (I really did LOL over this one!) She said I needed to stop all this kiddy shit with my dad when he's trying to make everything alright with everyone. (no clue what she's talking about here...it's not about my dad, it's about her mom!) Then she told me that I "wouldn't know that b/c I don't need help moving or fixing anything right now." (My step-monster has been trying for years to get my dad to believe....and unfortunately somewhat successfully I fear, that I only come around when I need something. Let's just forget the fact that the lap-dog got her car paid for, college paid for, housing paid for, etc, etc...oh and I'm the one who stupidly agreed to give them the last year of my life in the hopes of helping them, getting in the step-monster's good graces, and being closer to my dad....boy did that back fire!)

I kind of got ugly after that:

"If there's bad blood between me and anyone, it's news to me! I thought H was doing the holiday @ her house on Friday, but never heard anymore about it. I talked to BOTH of our parents last night just fine. If someone is acting all butt hurt that's their deal but they need to say it to my face instead of talking to you about it. I'm not trying to start shit, you started it by assuming that me not coming today meant something that it didn't. Please forgive me for being sick and already having plans!"

She went on to say that she didn't "give a shit" if I was there or not. That I'd hurt dad's feelings and she was the only one who was going to say something about the "way I treat ppl."

I pointed out all the ways that I have helped my family in the last year: Helping my sister when she wanted to get out; I watched the girls. I helped take care of the old people (til I couldn't take it any more). I helped her mom spy on my dad when he was cheating (still regret helping her on that one...at least he was with someone who made him happy, my bad!). I bought groceries for them on several occasions....one time like $150 worth of meat because step-monster told me how much they spend in groceries since the old people moved in and was worried about it. I just paid a $300 utility bill (of which only $157 was mine, the rest in late fees and deposits) because gpa had lost the bill messing in the mail....AGAIN! That wasn't even the first time I'd paid their deposit and late fees because gpa took and lost the bill. I had even offered to pay "back rent" (whatever the step-monster thought she was "due" for letting me and her granddaughter stay in that cockroach and mold infested place they call a rental (of which in the whole year I was there they didn't rent out the other apt. once because it was so filthy), my dad told me not to worry about that though. I told her I didn't get how I was the bad guy. I told her this was silly.

She didn't respond.

So why do I feel so worthless? I want a relationship with my dad, but I can't handle the shit stirring crap his family is into. I sit here finding ways to justify why "they" think I'm such a bad person. I try to be a good, kind, caring, giving person. I must not be doing a very good job, huh...

I don't know what to do. I love my dad. I shouldn't have to compete with his wife. I was here first. He says she makes him happy, and I want that. I want him to be happy. Unfortunately what makes him happy makes me miserable....uncomfortable....anxious...so I back away. I let them be. I have only talked to him like three times since I moved in August. When I do I always make sure to tell him I love him..... and I do! I just have to love myself once in a while too. And I can't handle their drama anymore.

How is it that some people can be so comfortable being selfish? I want to be like that. All I feel is guilty. I shouldn't feel guilty for taking care of myself. I shouldn't feel guilty making sure I'm okay. But somehow, someone always makes me feel like a selfish bitch for saying no.

Maybe my therapist's right. I need assertiveness....I just hope that comes with a super-sized cup of "Fuck it" and a side of "I'm worth it"

Session Three

I feel numb.....empty.....

I think I may be overwhelming my therapist. He admitted that, while he thinks he can help, he doesn't know where to start.....all I hear is "you're too fucked up, and can't be helped." I broke down. I cried. I hate myself for it. I want to cut so bad. I hate this feeling of so much emotion that I start to space out and feel nothing. I need to clear my head...process things....but my head wants to shut down.

He suggested we start with assertiveness training.

He suggested books, so I ordered them when I got home.

He didn't mention the "what do you want out of therapy?" question. I am kind of upset. I actually made a list. But starting somewhere is better than having no direction, so I will go with it.

After I broke down in tears, I started to shut down. I wanted to run to the bathroom, make myself feel something. That's when he suggested the books. I don't know if he noticed the change in affect. I hope he didn't interpret it as ambivalence toward the book idea. While it is true the idea of reading and discussing self-help books in therapy is new to me.....I'm okay with it I suppose. (I am really hoping that he's not suggesting it out of last resort...).....I was just trying to focus on the fact that he was talking and I was supposed to be responding. I was spacing out so bad.....

The crying. Breaking down in front of a stranger. Really triggered me. When I decided I needed therapy I accepted the fact the I was going to have deal with being uncomfortable and sharing with a perfect stranger. It was a risk that didn't outweigh the benefits. I certainly didn't expect it to make me come unglued.

I am exhausted. I want to sit, stare blankly into nothingness and retreat into myself. I have another appointment in a couple of weeks. Hopefully I will have gotten the books and had a chance to read a bit.

Session Two

So, I went to my second session with said new therapist.

It was about the same as the first. Don't really think we made much progress....though, I understand this is the point in the therapeutic relationship where you build rapport, I just seems aimless...

Again he asked what I would like out of therapy.

I told him, I don't know. If I had the answers, I wouldn't be in therapy. I'm an intelligent, insightful person. I know that my issues now have to do with my past. I can see that, I understand the connection, but that doesn't help me move forward.

I told him again that I would like to like myself more. He didn't hear me....or that wasn't what he wanted to hear. Something about the way he dismissed that statement makes me think he has an agenda.....or that could just be my trust issues talking....

We talked about my social phobia. How it's spiraling into agoraphobia....I can see that. So lets address that?!?!

We talked about my trust issues....my self-esteem issues....all being tied to past trauma and family issues....DUH!! So let's address that?!?!?

It's weird. I like the guy and all. He's very instinctive....good at hitting the nail on the head without a microscope....but let's get on with it!

He suggested I see someone for meds. He thinks my anxiety has caused the depression. I can see that. My anxiety has cause my social isolation...which feeds into the whole self-depreciating internal dialogue regarding my worth....makes sense. But I'm terrified to admit to him that I'm scared that if I do take meds they will A: make me suicidal (happened before, almost succeeded!) or B: I will become dependant on them or abuse them furthering my downward spiral. Quick fixes (like meds) is why I got to the point in wanting therapy....needing therapy, in the first place!!

So what do I really want from therapy?

1. I want to trust
2. I want to like myself
3. I want to stop hurting myself in ALL ways
4. I want to feel worthy
5. I want to see the future as something positive--> NO MORE hoping for the best, waiting for the worst
6. I want to be happy
7. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin

Is that too much to want? Do you think he will get it? Should I just print this and take it in?

Session One

So I had my first session in almost seven years with a therapist.

I don't even know where to start.

I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin before I got to the door.....my heart was pounding...I did that stupid defensive "passive giggle" every three seconds....and tried to make light of my sordid past.....I couldn't allow myself to feel....I'm too scared....I don't think I could handle it....I have too much at stake.....

He asked some questions I couldn't think straight enough to answer on the spot.

He asked me what made me decide to come to counseling now....

I explained the insurance issue....that wasn't what he was looking for. What's stupid is I know what he was looking for, but I couldn't say it. I couldn't make myself....I couldn't put myself out there like that....I don't trust easily....and I didn't really know what my role was there....I was caught between future therapist...so I should have some decorum of self control and insight.....and just letting it all hang out and melting into a little puddle begging him to just fix me, which I of course know he can't do....

So what made me want to go to therapy?

I'm falling apart from the inside out. I know where this path leads and I don't want to go there. I don't want to want to self-destruct. And I feel it coming. How do you say this to a therapist....a future colleague (not that I could ever come close to being at this guys level....I was very impressed...needless to say...because I'm seeing him again next week).....how do you say this without sounding despirate....hopeless...how do you say it an maintain "face"?

Another thing he asked was what can we work on...as in where do we start??

All I could say was...."I just don't really like myself right now".....which is completely true....and I'm glad I didn't have to explain....but I know it coming....

I did tell him about SI-ing....about being depressed...about my anxiety.....just discussing it....was hard....it made me think about how illogical it is that one could be both depressed (and lowered state of arousal) and anxious (a heightened state of arousal) all in the same body, space, time, etc....but I am...

He didn't freak out about the SI thing....he seemed really insightful....which is a nice change from previous therapeutic experiences....

He asked a lot about my past history which was over whelming....I realize on the way home I forgot to tell him about my counseling at TSU....which one would think would be something I wouldn't forget....it was one of the better experiences, as far as counseling goes.....but also...the trauma from TSU is still too close to home....I have only told one other person about it....and it wasn't my counselor then....it wasn't until last year I think that I told someone about it....

Once he opens that door, I'm afraid I won't be able to shut it, and I'm not stable enough to do that right now. It was bad enough discussing the abuse in my childhood....having those memories flood my conscious mind while trying to maintain composure and focus....I noticed myself trying to side track...say things that didn't have much to do with anything....

I don't know how he's not confused...I am....trying to pin down dates....or at least time frames to things that I have banished from my mind isn't easy....which meds. I took when, how old I was when what abuse happened....

So, what do I want help with?

I just want to be happy. I look at my life and I know that I'm missing something. I have few friends...none that know me...the real me....I haven't had a relationship with someone of the opposite sex in four years....yet alone a sexual one....I don't want to hurt anymore....I don't want to want to hurt myself. I don't want to feel like that the only thing holding me together. I want to feel like my life isn't a struggle just to get to the next day....I want to be proud of my opinions, my life, how far I've come and where I'm going....but I don't. I feel less....just less....like nothing I do is good enough.....for who, I don't know....no one knows the struggles, I've made myself invisible....but I still feel like I'm not good enough.....like I'm carrying around .my weight in shame....and I don't want to drown, but the current is pulling me under.