Double-edged sword

I couldn't find a quote to express how I'm feeling. I couldn't even find music lyrics....nothing fits, nothing can completely express the screwed up mess I am right now.

So...last post I mentioned that I'd started dating. And that....everything about it was confusing the hell out of me. Nothing about that situation has resolved.

Truth is....he's amazing. He's kind, responsible, caring, a great listener, accepting, a hard worker, a great father, attractive. I've told him everything. He knows more about me than anyone else in my world....and he still wants to be with me....and I don't get it.

He knows just about every skeleton in my closet...almost every torrid detail....and hasn't run for the hills. My past tells me, if it's too good to be true, it usually is. I have lived in survival mode for so long--always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Over the years, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst has become a memory, as hope had long since been forgotten. So....he just doesn't make sense in my world. I have no way to rationalize why he wants to be with me.

And how he makes me feel......the fact that I feel around him at all is pretty miraculous....having been so numb lately....but he makes me feel content....safe....beautiful..........and I think...even....happy. I haven't felt content....much less happy in so long...I'm not even sure if this is what it feels like.

So I have all these warm fuzzy feelings...yearning for him when we're not together so much, my body physically aches....and then there's my head....

Screaming at me to run....that it's not safe....that I'll just end up hurt...that none of it is real....beating me down for feeling....reminding me of all of my past....that to hope for something better is foolish....unrealistic....

To make this even more complicated...he says all the right things. Its like he is somehow reading my mind...he's unafraid to be vulnerable...though he says he's terrified...he's told me where he stands...how he feels about me...and though I feel the same way...to say it aloud...I choke. Putting myself out there....admitting that I'm falling for him hard....panics me at my very core. My mind tells me I don't deserve him. My past proves it.

We only met about two weeks ago....it doesn't make sense. I've never felt this way about someone so quickly...in fact....I don't think I've felt this way about anyone at all....

I don't know what to do, Bloggerland....I don't have a rational explanation for this man in my life...and everything he is...everything he makes me feel....I just can't wrap my mind around it all...and it's creating a dissonance within me...I feel like I'm being torn apart. I want to cry and laugh at the same time....I feel so sad....so terribly dark....and happy at the same time....and something has to break....I have to choose what I'm going to do...do I give in?....jump in head first?...or do I run away myself?

And even as I typed that....the thought of running away....breaks my heart. I don't want to hurt him....I don't want to never see him again....so what do I do with this double edged sword?