I feel sick....physically....emotionally....I am a mess. I'm naseaous and spacey....and just want to stop it all. All the thoughts...my internal dialogue beating the hell out of me....I just want to stop it. I want to cut so badly...to ground myself...to release some of the pressure that is building up inside.
I don't know why I even try. I want to be with "Bob"...so badly.....he's everything I have ever wanted in a guy....last night went to dinner...then back to his house for some cuddling and a movie. I ended up staying over...we tried to be intimate...and I couldn't....
It's not that I didn't want to...God, I want him....and I'm not sure where things started going wrong. Probably with the fact that I was sober....I haven't been intimate with anyone sober in a very long time....only a few unsuccessful attempts since before my attack in "undergrad part one".....since that...I have these flashbacks....and panic attacks....out of no where....when I'm intimate with someone....I recall having them a couple times with my ex....he didn't get it.
Last night...I couldn't relax and enjoy....he wanted to pleasure me....and I got this panicky feeling in my gut....my whole body felt like it was shaking from the inside out. I started to have these quick flashes of that night....and I just couldn't....and I don't get it...because when I'm with him I feel so calm and complete....Then....we were kissing and getting rather passionate and he barely touched my neck....and I almost leaped out of bed. I felt like someone had sucked all the oxygen out of the air.
I spent the night...and we tried again in the morning....and I just couldn't....and I hate myself for it. What the hell is wrong with me? I want to be with him....I've never felt the way I feel about him for anyone....especially not as quickly....we are so much alike...kind of feels like he's my soul-mate....and I don't even believe in soul-mates! Some part of me knows he's the type of man I deserve in my life....that part of me just isn't very strong right now....
my thoughts are beating the hell out of me.....I'm so freaked/stressed about all of this that I am physically ill. And he says all the right things. He says we can take it slower....that he's not going anywhere....that he understands....And my head says he shouldn't have to....that I'm too damaged....that he deserves better....He told me he loved me....something I have had to keep myself from telling him for a while....and it breaks my heart....I don't deserve love. I can't even have sex without freaking out....I'm such a fuck up. I hate myself....I'm so angry at myself....I just want to give in.
I want to cut so badly....I want to release some of these feelings that are suffocating me.
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