I'm beginning to make a habit of this.....suppose it will fit right in with all my other habits....
Things are still a scrambled mess inside my head. Talk with the guy I'm dating on the phone for like three hours last night. We started talking about religion...which is something I normally avoid at all costs....but it's important to him.
I know he wants a to be with someone he can share his spirituality with; someone to be with that he can share that part of him with as well. He takes pride in being reborn....he's asked me to think about going to church with him. We talked quite a bit about his church....and God....and his beliefs...
And I don't know what to do with that. Everything I feel for him is pressuring me to just go along, so that he is content....but I have such an estranged relationship with God....and my beliefs aren't exactly.....well....let's just say, if I was living in times of the early church I would have been burned at the stake. That's not to say that I identify as Wiccan, or any other organized religion for that matter....
And that's not to say that I haven't given organized Christianity a chance.....or two....or three....I just always ended up disappointed.....not only disappointed in other members....so call representatives of Christ.....but also in God himself.
It seems like every time I turn to God....he eventually lets me down. Over and over again....I've been hurt..hurt to the core....betrayed in every possible way...hurt so deeply that actual physical pain has become the one thing that can comfort me...aggrieved so much that I self destruct as a means for self-preservation.....for what purpose? Even when I was innocent....nothing more than an ignorant child......and even later when I chose to follow Him dispute my upbringing....I was devout on blind faith, having no parental guidance in the area of faith a spirituality.....even then this all-knowing, all powerful being was no where to be found....Perhaps this is where my "daddy issues" truly began.
How do I begin to make the guy I'm dating...let's call him Bob from here on out....How do I help Bob understand that I cannot fathom a God who is supposed to be merciful, and kind, and caring, and bring peace....How could he exist given what I have been through.....and then...I have turned to him...that because of my past ......that I don't love myself....and can't fathom how a God so wonderful could possibly love someone as shameful....broken....disgusting....as me. I am my past....I am this way because those things happened to me....and if I believe in the philosophies of Christianity...then he's abandoned me....or punishing me...I must have done something wrong to deserve this....because good things happen to good people, right? Another double-edge sword....if I believe in God then I'm unworthy....if I don't I'm still unworthy....
On another note....told the ex that I had started dating someone. He took it well. I was a little worried there for a minute....his eyes weld up with tears....but he smiled and hugged me and told me he was happy for me. I worry about hurting him. He lost his father in December....and really hasn't been right since. Has all, but lost interest in our daughter...but he won't go see anyone....won't talk to anyone about it....
Things are still a scrambled mess inside my head. Talk with the guy I'm dating on the phone for like three hours last night. We started talking about religion...which is something I normally avoid at all costs....but it's important to him.
I know he wants a to be with someone he can share his spirituality with; someone to be with that he can share that part of him with as well. He takes pride in being reborn....he's asked me to think about going to church with him. We talked quite a bit about his church....and God....and his beliefs...
And I don't know what to do with that. Everything I feel for him is pressuring me to just go along, so that he is content....but I have such an estranged relationship with God....and my beliefs aren't exactly.....well....let's just say, if I was living in times of the early church I would have been burned at the stake. That's not to say that I identify as Wiccan, or any other organized religion for that matter....
And that's not to say that I haven't given organized Christianity a chance.....or two....or three....I just always ended up disappointed.....not only disappointed in other members....so call representatives of Christ.....but also in God himself.
It seems like every time I turn to God....he eventually lets me down. Over and over again....I've been hurt..hurt to the core....betrayed in every possible way...hurt so deeply that actual physical pain has become the one thing that can comfort me...aggrieved so much that I self destruct as a means for self-preservation.....for what purpose? Even when I was innocent....nothing more than an ignorant child......and even later when I chose to follow Him dispute my upbringing....I was devout on blind faith, having no parental guidance in the area of faith a spirituality.....even then this all-knowing, all powerful being was no where to be found....Perhaps this is where my "daddy issues" truly began.
How do I begin to make the guy I'm dating...let's call him Bob from here on out....How do I help Bob understand that I cannot fathom a God who is supposed to be merciful, and kind, and caring, and bring peace....How could he exist given what I have been through.....and then...I have turned to him...that because of my past ......that I don't love myself....and can't fathom how a God so wonderful could possibly love someone as shameful....broken....disgusting....as me. I am my past....I am this way because those things happened to me....and if I believe in the philosophies of Christianity...then he's abandoned me....or punishing me...I must have done something wrong to deserve this....because good things happen to good people, right? Another double-edge sword....if I believe in God then I'm unworthy....if I don't I'm still unworthy....
On another note....told the ex that I had started dating someone. He took it well. I was a little worried there for a minute....his eyes weld up with tears....but he smiled and hugged me and told me he was happy for me. I worry about hurting him. He lost his father in December....and really hasn't been right since. Has all, but lost interest in our daughter...but he won't go see anyone....won't talk to anyone about it....
No comments:
Post a Comment