“Who has not sat before his own heart's curtain? It lifts: and the scenery is falling apart.”--Rainer Maria Rilke

So it's been a few weeks. Nothing much has changed, other than I have maintained numbness and a buzz. I know in the long run, this isn't probably a good thing....a continuing of the downward spiral....but I'm so afraid to feel right now. There's too much going on, so much pressure.....so much confusion, hurt, anger, sadness.....I can't handle it all at once...and that's how it will hit me. If I let down the wall....it will hit me like a tidal wave, and....at this point I am past the point of wanting to try and swim.

Lost a friend this week. I'd tried to help him this past year. Tried to get him help. I get how he felt....

He's been suicidal for the past eight months to a year. Gotten put on a 96 hour hold....started to drink himself into numbness quite frequently. He lost his family....the love of his life.....stopped taking care of himself....

He went to sleep this week....and didn't wake up. They said it was his diabetes.....but I saw this coming. I couldn't do anything....couldn't help him.....he gave up......

And oddly....I'm jealous. He doesn't have to feel....he doesn't have to hurt. I'm jealous.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."- T. S. Elliot

An update on therapy progress:
   Finally had a break through on the trusting him issue. I don't know that he understood it as that, but it was. He asked me to write down my history of significant events on a timeline of my life. Although doing it triggered me, I did the assignment.

Boy, was that session uncomfortable. I could barely stay in the present....the need to escape...dissociate...shut down....was unbearable....and I spent most of the session going in and out. My palms started sweating and then my fingers went numb....colors shimmered in and out of my vision, and I felt that pull.....go somewhere safe.....abandon ship. I don't remember much of that session....like there are blank spots within that memory rolodex in my brain....

And I haven't been able to focus quite right since.....the numbness is growing stronger. Like nothing is really real or worth it. I have been having nightmares....and sudden and overpowering flashbacks that dissolve me into a puddle of panic. I feel like darkness is taking over me.

I started using again. Scored some pot from an old acquaintance. Been an okay couple of days. It helps me to be able to feel. I had been so numb.....everything is electric when I'm high....like a warm yellow glow lighting the darkness inside.

I know I can't continue to cope this way....I have to look for a job at the end of the summer....And so the urge to cut becomes a last resort to stay afloat.....not to drown.... not to give up. This too concerns me. I caught myself looking up places online to buy surgical grade scalpel blades online the other day. I have gotten so good at putting off the cutting for last. Not keeping too many sharps on hand. Throwing them away when I'm done, so that I really have to "work for it" if I have to cut....need to cut.....Back in the day....when I cut daily.....I used scalpel blades.....and its really easy to cut to deeply with them.....but they are to most satisfying cuts.....clean....precise...... preferred method of destruction...

This week the T tells me he has to go do military duty again.....for two weeks......we just start digging down deep.....and he's leaving me to my own devices for two weeks....no one to talk to.....school is out of session until June 4th.....my daughter is at school all day.....I can't afford gas to get out of the house....it's like the world is closing in on me.....I'm so fucked.....

The need to bleed

I'm spiraling down. God, I hate this. It's like I'm trapped inside myself. I can't escape.

I have been obsessing on how to help my therapist get it. After last session, I feel like I need to make him understand. The way he talks to me....guilt trips me....it isn't working. I don't know how to help him get it. What its like to be tormented and know that the only way to find relief is to make myself bleed.

This week is so....fuzzy. Like I'm not really here; disconnected. Kind of like that feeling of driving and suddenly realizing you've driven 30 miles but don't remember any of them....oops, already used that analogy...

I came to sitting on the couch today. 2 hours had passed. I don't know where I was....somewhere in my head. Somewhere safe from myself? Only I can't function like that. I can't just space out when I feel like this. And so the cycle continues.

Cut to stay grounded. And I can feel it coming, like a surfer looking at the horizon waiting for the swell to reach her so she can ride it to the coast. I wish it was that normal. I know it's not.

Shame. Knowing it will happen. Knowing I will have to hide it. Knowing the fix is temporary.

I haven't bled my arms in years...much too conspicuous....but my mind is screaming for it. It lasts longer....feels right.....

"You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here...."

I'm back again.

I keep hoping that one day I will be able to come here and look back at what I have been through...and feel like I've come so far. That day is not today.

I have no fucking clue what I am doing.

So, what else is new?

Still in school. The light at the end of the tunnel....for a while, wasn't a train....and now I'm not so sure...I will still have to find a job, pass licensure, find a supervisor, get about 3,000 hours....so it's not a train...there is no light. Just a long dark tunnel and me without a spark to light my way.

Still seeing a therapist. Though, at this point it's just a matter of going through the motions. In case the powers that be find out my dirty little secrets, I can at least appease them and saying I'm doing everything I can. No insurance. Seeing a provisionally licensed guy for free. I would really like to trust him, but he's a former classmate, so....that's just too complicated.

He's solution focused. Not really effective with what I am dealing with. He doesn't seem to get that what I do, as dysfunctional as it may be, keeps me alive. It keeps the darkness at bay; my mind from shattering.

I wish I even knew how to make him understand. Wish I could allow him to feel what I feel. But I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I don't really understand why I am the way I am. I guess if I knew, then I could stop. Then I wouldn't be so screwed up.

I feel like I'm falling apart; barely keeping my shit together, and I can't tell him that. I don't know how he will react. How he will judge and what the consequences would be. It's gotten harder to not fuzz out. When I'm alone, it's like I'm not here. I space. I can't stay. It's getting harder not to do that in public. Kind of like when you're driving somewhere and come to the sudden realization that you don't remember driving the past 20 miles. Dissociation. Here, but not. Defense mechanism. Self-preservation, yet not functional. Abnormal. Crazy.

My coping method used to stop it. Helped me focus. Their effects wear off quickly. The internal dialogue is torturous. Tormenting.

Got back with the ex for about 6 months. We tried to make a little brother or sister for our kiddo. Miscarried in December. Had to go through that alone because the ex's dad went into a coma about the same time I found out I was preggers, and then died the same day I started miscarrying. I wish I'd died.

I'm finding my existence more and more unnecessary. I find fewer reason to keep up the farce.

post session mess

My head is reeling. My heart is pounding. I want to cry and throw up and disappear. I can't handle all this at once. This is why I don't open up. Why I build my walls too tall for anyone to care to climb. It hurts to remember. It hurts to talk. This is my biggest fear. The flood gates opening and me without a boat. That gate has sprung a leak....and I can't even handle that.

I told my therapist. About the abusive boyfriend, alcoholic/abusive parents....about being attacked at college "part one." It's like reliving it all over again. Telling him about the latter....was excruciating...I was instantly nauseous....the whole time I had my keys in my hoodie pocket wishing they were sharper. I didn't even tell him about the abuse when I was little.

I can't handle this emotional overload....he asked me not to cut....I don't think I can honor that. I have to be functional tomorrow...at least more functional than I am now. I'm trapped in my head. Memories flooding my senses.....terror, pain, fear.........my daughter kept trying to talk to me and I completely space out. I don't even hear her. Which just adds fuel to the fire for the asshole voice in my head.

I'm not strong enough.

"It's hard to see the pain behind the mask...

...Bearing the burden of the secret storm."

-Martina McBride

Yesterday was exhausting. Today isn't much better. I have this knot in my stomach. I'm so anxious I'm nauseous. I feel like something is sitting on my chest. I am so lonely and yet I think I would recoil at the slightest touch. I don't feel worthy. I hate myself.

I skipped class last night. My daughter's been sick. So I stayed home to take care of her. Not that I felt like going. Being around those people....too many eyes. Too much potential for judgement. Not that I haven't said to myself anything they could possibly be thinking.

I got up this morning and took the kiddo to school. Then came home and crawled back into bed. I lack all motivation to do anything. I can't eat....I can't even sleep. I lay in bed and space out. Stare at the ceiling. That voice takes over. Beats me when I'm down.

"I walk a lonely road, The only one I have ever known...

...Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone"

--Green Day

I'm sitting here waiting for class to start. I am my usual 45 minutes early. I hate being late. It makes me panic. I get to sit here in silence with no expectations before everyone gets here. It should be peaceful, but my head is not my friend right now.

I am still waiting on my paycheck and haven't paid all of last months bills because of this. Panic inducing. My teacher commented on my "out of it"-ness in response to my Practicum journal for last week. Panic inducing. I have to visit the new practicum site tomorrow. Panic inducing. I don't know where said site is located exactly. Terror inducing. I will be meeting people I don't know...surrounded by them....all day tomorrow....My worst nightmare!

My head if racing with "what if's". What if they don't like me? What if I get lost? What if I make a fool of myself? What if...what if....what if....

Also...that asshole voice is basically confirming all of these thoughts..."They won't like you. You're a freak. You're a mess. They will see right through you. You are a fat slob. Why would anyone like you. You don't even like yourself. You're an idiot. You'll get lost and be late and they will hate you for it. They will think you don't care about the clinic. They will think you don't have your priorities straight. You will fail."

I spent most of the day in bed. My daughter was home sick and slept alot. I had to take her to her father's house so that I could come to school. Sadly, I can't say that I dislike leaving her with him. It gives me room to breathe....or attempt to. And of course to that thought the voice says "You're a shitty mother: pawning her off on someone else. You're so selfish."

I. Am. So. Tired!

My whole body feels as though burning electricity is coursing through it.