Higgs boson

I'm beginning to make a habit of this.....suppose it will fit right in with all my other habits....

Things are still a scrambled mess inside my head. Talk with the guy I'm dating on the phone for like three hours last night. We started talking about religion...which is something I normally avoid at all costs....but it's important to him.

I know he wants a to be with someone he can share his spirituality with; someone to be with that he can share that part of him with as well. He takes pride in being reborn....he's asked me to think about going to church with him. We talked quite a bit about his church....and God....and his beliefs...

And I don't know what to do with that. Everything I feel for him is pressuring me to just go along, so that he is content....but I have such an estranged relationship with God....and my beliefs aren't exactly.....well....let's just say, if I was living in times of the early church I would have been burned at the stake. That's not to say that I identify as Wiccan, or any other organized religion for that matter....

And that's not to say that I haven't given organized Christianity a chance.....or two....or three....I just always ended up disappointed.....not only disappointed in other members....so call representatives of Christ.....but also in God himself.

It seems like every time I turn to God....he eventually lets me down. Over and over again....I've been hurt..hurt to the core....betrayed in every possible way...hurt so deeply that actual physical pain has become the one thing that can comfort me...aggrieved so much that I self destruct as a means for self-preservation.....for what purpose? Even when I was innocent....nothing more than an ignorant child......and even later when I chose to follow Him dispute my upbringing....I was devout on blind faith, having no parental guidance in the area of faith a spirituality.....even then this all-knowing, all powerful being was no where to be found....Perhaps this is where my "daddy issues" truly began.

How do I begin to make the guy I'm dating...let's call him Bob from here on out....How do I help Bob understand that I cannot fathom a God who is supposed to be merciful, and kind, and caring, and bring peace....How could he exist given what I have been through.....and then...I have turned to him...that because of my past ......that I don't love myself....and can't fathom how a God so wonderful could possibly love someone as shameful....broken....disgusting....as me. I am my past....I am this way because those things happened to me....and if I believe in the philosophies of Christianity...then he's abandoned me....or punishing me...I must have done something wrong to deserve this....because good things happen to good people, right? Another double-edge sword....if I believe in God then I'm unworthy....if I don't I'm still unworthy....

On another note....told the ex that I had started dating someone. He took it well. I was a little worried there for a minute....his eyes weld up with tears....but he smiled and hugged me and told me he was happy for me. I worry about hurting him. He lost his father in December....and really hasn't been right since. Has all, but lost interest in our daughter...but he won't go see anyone....won't talk to anyone about it....

Double-edged sword

I couldn't find a quote to express how I'm feeling. I couldn't even find music lyrics....nothing fits, nothing can completely express the screwed up mess I am right now.

So...last post I mentioned that I'd started dating. And that....everything about it was confusing the hell out of me. Nothing about that situation has resolved.

Truth is....he's amazing. He's kind, responsible, caring, a great listener, accepting, a hard worker, a great father, attractive. I've told him everything. He knows more about me than anyone else in my world....and he still wants to be with me....and I don't get it.

He knows just about every skeleton in my closet...almost every torrid detail....and hasn't run for the hills. My past tells me, if it's too good to be true, it usually is. I have lived in survival mode for so long--always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Over the years, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst has become a memory, as hope had long since been forgotten. So....he just doesn't make sense in my world. I have no way to rationalize why he wants to be with me.

And how he makes me feel......the fact that I feel around him at all is pretty miraculous....having been so numb lately....but he makes me feel content....safe....beautiful..........and I think...even....happy. I haven't felt content....much less happy in so long...I'm not even sure if this is what it feels like.

So I have all these warm fuzzy feelings...yearning for him when we're not together so much, my body physically aches....and then there's my head....

Screaming at me to run....that it's not safe....that I'll just end up hurt...that none of it is real....beating me down for feeling....reminding me of all of my past....that to hope for something better is foolish....unrealistic....

To make this even more complicated...he says all the right things. Its like he is somehow reading my mind...he's unafraid to be vulnerable...though he says he's terrified...he's told me where he stands...how he feels about me...and though I feel the same way...to say it aloud...I choke. Putting myself out there....admitting that I'm falling for him hard....panics me at my very core. My mind tells me I don't deserve him. My past proves it.

We only met about two weeks ago....it doesn't make sense. I've never felt this way about someone so quickly...in fact....I don't think I've felt this way about anyone at all....

I don't know what to do, Bloggerland....I don't have a rational explanation for this man in my life...and everything he is...everything he makes me feel....I just can't wrap my mind around it all...and it's creating a dissonance within me...I feel like I'm being torn apart. I want to cry and laugh at the same time....I feel so sad....so terribly dark....and happy at the same time....and something has to break....I have to choose what I'm going to do...do I give in?....jump in head first?...or do I run away myself?

And even as I typed that....the thought of running away....breaks my heart. I don't want to hurt him....I don't want to never see him again....so what do I do with this double edged sword?

Take two.....make that three...

So, a quick....okay maybe not quick....update on life in crazyville:

My therapist quit. At our last session he said his supervisor wanted me to get on medication to help with the depression. I told him no, that I have had horrible experiences with meds; that I experienced side effects worse than the depression; that I'm a single mom and don't have the support around me to help monitor symptoms. I gave him a list of all the meds that I've ever been prescribed for depression and anxiety. He told me his supervisor wanted to sit in on our next session. I told him no; told him that I didn't trust in her ability to not use the information she would learn about me against me in my professional life; that I hadn't heard good things about her as a teacher or a therapist; that she wasn't fooling me into thinking sitting in was about my well being and what's good for me, but about covering her own ass. He said he would go to bat for me. Didn't want to quit working together. It had been a month since I'd heard from him, so I text him asking him what was going on. He called back saying his supervisor said he couldn't work with me because I won't let her sit in.

in the time between contacts with my T......I started dating someone else.

Well. I didn't immediately start dating. I have been on a dating website for a while...I think I joined it when I was living in Isolationsville. Anyhow. After everything with my ex kind of just faded, I started replying to some guys on the dating site. One guy was particularly interesting and we clicked...we messaged on the site for a bit, then exchanged phone numbers and sent texts back a forth for a week. Then we started talking on the phone....and that first phone call was three hours long...We have so much in common, it's just scary. We went on our first date a little over a week ago, and have spent time either or talked on the phone....or exchanged texts everyday....

Being with him is.....wonderful....and it's weird and scary too. Mostly because of my fucked up head. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop....for something to go wrong.

......But when I'm with him; when I talk to him, it's like talking to a best friend....like I have known him for years. I even told him about my emotional baggage....depression and anxiety; about how OCD I get about things....and even about my self-injury and being in therapy....and he's "not scared off." We've talked about damn near everything....taboo and not....a small part of me testing him, I think.....

He tells me I'm beautiful...or calls me gorgeous.....and he says likes how independent I am.....and I don't think he likes me just because of what's on the outside....he says he really likes me....and....I almost believe him. I think a part of me even wants to...but....my negative internal dialogue is seriously getting to me...tearing...wearing me down....

Yet, strangely....I haven't wanted to cut since I met him.....not even a inkling of an urge....I've thought about it...but I don't want to...I have, however been high just about every day in the past month though...not necessarily when I'm with him...but....maybe that's why I'm so honest with him? Maybe that's why I'm so interesting to him?....interested by him?

But when I'm in his arms..I feel....different...I feel.....I don't know just yet what I feel....but it's different.....in a good way....but in a way that makes me hopeful...and yet scared to get my hopes up only to be shattered.

On another note, I am seeing a new T. A non-student intern, who works at the free clinic that I did my practicum at. Today was the first session...it was awkward...and weird....I am still angry and feel abandoned by my last T....I hate the thought of starting over.....I just started trusting him...and look where that got me....

She did say she understood what it was like to want to die....even not actively.....that kind of gives me hope.........that word again: hope......it makes me uncomfortable....

Freaking out....

So freaked out right now. So, I've been seeing a T for a while now. I was referred to him by the head of my grad school program....unfortunately he's her husband, which makes me leery in being candidly honest with him....His supervisor is also a teacher in my program, who I haven't had yet (but will in the fall!), but haven't heard great things about her as a teacher or a therapist....

So today he texts. He wants to know if it's okay for his supervisor to sit in?!?! I asked if I was allowed to say no. He says he can't refuse, but I asked if I can. I do NOT want his supervisor in session. He told me she doesn't know my identity, which I hope I can trust, but why does she want to sit in? I don't know. He hasn't responded.

I was finally able to let down my guard with him in last weeks session....be honest with him.....I even cried, which for me is really hard to do in front of others. I felt raw after last session, wasn't sure if he gets it yet.....but thought we were making small steps forward....and now this....FUCK! I told him that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop....that I'm constantly on guard, hyper vigilant....waiting for the next blow. I don't think he realizes that if his supervisor sits in, and I say the wrong thing in session....I mean, she scheduled to be my teacher next semester! She could fail me......get me kicked out of the program....she has all the power over the one thing I have going for me right now.....

I'm a fucking fool for trusting....

***Update:
He texted back finally: "My supervisor said we could meet one last time to figure out where we want to go from here."

I'm so angry and hurt right now. It's like all possible fears I have about therapy are coming true all at once. I seemly dodged the bullet in having the supervisor sit in, but I have the feeling he's going to say he can't see me anymore. I took a chance and was finally open and honest....I sobbed in front of him....shared my darkest fears and secrets....and I have a feeling he's going to quit. This set the internal dialogue aflame...."No one can help you","You're too sick, there is no hope","He's disgusted with you....you're so disgusting".....I feel so much shame.....shame that I let down a wall....shame that I trusted.....on top of the shame of this illness....

"It is hopelessness, even more than pain, that crushes the soul"---William Styron

Had a couple really rough days. Couldn't find peace in numbness. Had a meeting with my T on Thursday. Walked out of the session with no hope, especially after he said he wasn't sure how to help me....my response..."I'm beginning to realize that no one can..." I feel like the walking dead. Nothing brings me joy anymore.

My ex had been trying to be helpful. Trying to find things to do. Brought over the Xbox so I could play rock band. Brought over a bunch of movies for me to watch. He's been very attentive. Very kind. But I don't feel worthy. I don't want his kindness. I know he cares for me, but not in the way that I'd wish. I don't think he'll ever settle down....commit to anything....anyone....especially not me. And who could blame him. I'm broken.....a mess....

My self injury has taken a turn for the worse. I can't sleep. I wake every two hours again. Exhausted....panicked...feeling like I can't breathe, like the world is tilting. I am fearful of running out of my herbal supplement. It has been a blessing. At least keeping me numb enough to function....go in public when need be...without panic....without fear.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have no memory of my life. It seems that life would me much simpler if I could just start fresh. I wish I believed in reincarnation.....or had some faith that theory.

$$$ woes

Checking in again. Still fairly lit, thanks to my herbal supplements. I should be in full blown panic mode...but I'm super sleepy instead. I don't think I have been getting the right kind of sleep the past couple of weeks. Nightmare have been rampant.

Just found out yesterday that the refund check from school that I have been waiting on to dig myself out of the constantly accruing debt due to the need for things like a roof over our heads, running water, and electricity.....that money is over six weeks away....FML!

We usually get disbursements the second week into classes, which would be the second full week of June. Not so much.

This doesn't help the negative internal dialogue....at all....

I cut again last night. It was bad. Had to use the old hydrogen peroxide and steri-strips trick....

Apparently my T is back in town and wants to know if I want to come in today. I still don't know if I even want to continue....I'm so angry for him leaving me in a lurch like that....saying he had someone for me to call if need be....(....and there has been a definite need!)....and then saying he couldn't find anyone and to call his supervisor (one of my teachers in the fall!) if I need too. I'm tore between just writing him off and forgetting he existed and going in just to chew his a$$. Is that the hidden borderline in me? Is that a normal response? Should I feel so betrayed? I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel....what is normal. I can't even trust myself.....in any way.....

"Faith begins where Reason sinks exhausted"--Albert Pike

nightmares all night. Visuals of hatred, horror, and blood....self destruction....waking up in a panic...grasping at reality only to have it slip through my fingers as the next nightmare begins....

I'm losing my faith....how much pain can one individual tolerate before they give up? I keep pushing forward on faith, but nothing is changing....nothing gets better....the downward spiral continues....I'm ready for the bottom....the inescapable black hole in the end.

****Update: 8pm
Friend stopped by. gave me some Rx. It's all I can do not to take it all at once. So tempting, but alas, I need to prolong the numb....even though my body and mind are screaming for release. I have no one who gets it. no one to talk to. My friends are either in the dark as to my fucked-up-ness....or just as screwed up as me. I wish there was someone I could reach out to....without judgement or consequence. But there isn't.....I just want to sleep....soundly and without interruption.