Freaking out....

So freaked out right now. So, I've been seeing a T for a while now. I was referred to him by the head of my grad school program....unfortunately he's her husband, which makes me leery in being candidly honest with him....His supervisor is also a teacher in my program, who I haven't had yet (but will in the fall!), but haven't heard great things about her as a teacher or a therapist....

So today he texts. He wants to know if it's okay for his supervisor to sit in?!?! I asked if I was allowed to say no. He says he can't refuse, but I asked if I can. I do NOT want his supervisor in session. He told me she doesn't know my identity, which I hope I can trust, but why does she want to sit in? I don't know. He hasn't responded.

I was finally able to let down my guard with him in last weeks session....be honest with him.....I even cried, which for me is really hard to do in front of others. I felt raw after last session, wasn't sure if he gets it yet.....but thought we were making small steps forward....and now this....FUCK! I told him that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop....that I'm constantly on guard, hyper vigilant....waiting for the next blow. I don't think he realizes that if his supervisor sits in, and I say the wrong thing in session....I mean, she scheduled to be my teacher next semester! She could fail me......get me kicked out of the program....she has all the power over the one thing I have going for me right now.....

I'm a fucking fool for trusting....

***Update:
He texted back finally: "My supervisor said we could meet one last time to figure out where we want to go from here."

I'm so angry and hurt right now. It's like all possible fears I have about therapy are coming true all at once. I seemly dodged the bullet in having the supervisor sit in, but I have the feeling he's going to say he can't see me anymore. I took a chance and was finally open and honest....I sobbed in front of him....shared my darkest fears and secrets....and I have a feeling he's going to quit. This set the internal dialogue aflame...."No one can help you","You're too sick, there is no hope","He's disgusted with you....you're so disgusting".....I feel so much shame.....shame that I let down a wall....shame that I trusted.....on top of the shame of this illness....

"It is hopelessness, even more than pain, that crushes the soul"---William Styron

Had a couple really rough days. Couldn't find peace in numbness. Had a meeting with my T on Thursday. Walked out of the session with no hope, especially after he said he wasn't sure how to help me....my response..."I'm beginning to realize that no one can..." I feel like the walking dead. Nothing brings me joy anymore.

My ex had been trying to be helpful. Trying to find things to do. Brought over the Xbox so I could play rock band. Brought over a bunch of movies for me to watch. He's been very attentive. Very kind. But I don't feel worthy. I don't want his kindness. I know he cares for me, but not in the way that I'd wish. I don't think he'll ever settle down....commit to anything....anyone....especially not me. And who could blame him. I'm broken.....a mess....

My self injury has taken a turn for the worse. I can't sleep. I wake every two hours again. Exhausted....panicked...feeling like I can't breathe, like the world is tilting. I am fearful of running out of my herbal supplement. It has been a blessing. At least keeping me numb enough to function....go in public when need be...without panic....without fear.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have no memory of my life. It seems that life would me much simpler if I could just start fresh. I wish I believed in reincarnation.....or had some faith that theory.

$$$ woes

Checking in again. Still fairly lit, thanks to my herbal supplements. I should be in full blown panic mode...but I'm super sleepy instead. I don't think I have been getting the right kind of sleep the past couple of weeks. Nightmare have been rampant.

Just found out yesterday that the refund check from school that I have been waiting on to dig myself out of the constantly accruing debt due to the need for things like a roof over our heads, running water, and electricity.....that money is over six weeks away....FML!

We usually get disbursements the second week into classes, which would be the second full week of June. Not so much.

This doesn't help the negative internal dialogue....at all....

I cut again last night. It was bad. Had to use the old hydrogen peroxide and steri-strips trick....

Apparently my T is back in town and wants to know if I want to come in today. I still don't know if I even want to continue....I'm so angry for him leaving me in a lurch like that....saying he had someone for me to call if need be....(....and there has been a definite need!)....and then saying he couldn't find anyone and to call his supervisor (one of my teachers in the fall!) if I need too. I'm tore between just writing him off and forgetting he existed and going in just to chew his a$$. Is that the hidden borderline in me? Is that a normal response? Should I feel so betrayed? I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel....what is normal. I can't even trust myself.....in any way.....

"Faith begins where Reason sinks exhausted"--Albert Pike

nightmares all night. Visuals of hatred, horror, and blood....self destruction....waking up in a panic...grasping at reality only to have it slip through my fingers as the next nightmare begins....

I'm losing my faith....how much pain can one individual tolerate before they give up? I keep pushing forward on faith, but nothing is changing....nothing gets better....the downward spiral continues....I'm ready for the bottom....the inescapable black hole in the end.

****Update: 8pm
Friend stopped by. gave me some Rx. It's all I can do not to take it all at once. So tempting, but alas, I need to prolong the numb....even though my body and mind are screaming for release. I have no one who gets it. no one to talk to. My friends are either in the dark as to my fucked-up-ness....or just as screwed up as me. I wish there was someone I could reach out to....without judgement or consequence. But there isn't.....I just want to sleep....soundly and without interruption.

“Who has not sat before his own heart's curtain? It lifts: and the scenery is falling apart.”--Rainer Maria Rilke

So it's been a few weeks. Nothing much has changed, other than I have maintained numbness and a buzz. I know in the long run, this isn't probably a good thing....a continuing of the downward spiral....but I'm so afraid to feel right now. There's too much going on, so much pressure.....so much confusion, hurt, anger, sadness.....I can't handle it all at once...and that's how it will hit me. If I let down the wall....it will hit me like a tidal wave, and....at this point I am past the point of wanting to try and swim.

Lost a friend this week. I'd tried to help him this past year. Tried to get him help. I get how he felt....

He's been suicidal for the past eight months to a year. Gotten put on a 96 hour hold....started to drink himself into numbness quite frequently. He lost his family....the love of his life.....stopped taking care of himself....

He went to sleep this week....and didn't wake up. They said it was his diabetes.....but I saw this coming. I couldn't do anything....couldn't help him.....he gave up......

And oddly....I'm jealous. He doesn't have to feel....he doesn't have to hurt. I'm jealous.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."- T. S. Elliot

An update on therapy progress:
   Finally had a break through on the trusting him issue. I don't know that he understood it as that, but it was. He asked me to write down my history of significant events on a timeline of my life. Although doing it triggered me, I did the assignment.

Boy, was that session uncomfortable. I could barely stay in the present....the need to escape...dissociate...shut down....was unbearable....and I spent most of the session going in and out. My palms started sweating and then my fingers went numb....colors shimmered in and out of my vision, and I felt that pull.....go somewhere safe.....abandon ship. I don't remember much of that session....like there are blank spots within that memory rolodex in my brain....

And I haven't been able to focus quite right since.....the numbness is growing stronger. Like nothing is really real or worth it. I have been having nightmares....and sudden and overpowering flashbacks that dissolve me into a puddle of panic. I feel like darkness is taking over me.

I started using again. Scored some pot from an old acquaintance. Been an okay couple of days. It helps me to be able to feel. I had been so numb.....everything is electric when I'm high....like a warm yellow glow lighting the darkness inside.

I know I can't continue to cope this way....I have to look for a job at the end of the summer....And so the urge to cut becomes a last resort to stay afloat.....not to drown.... not to give up. This too concerns me. I caught myself looking up places online to buy surgical grade scalpel blades online the other day. I have gotten so good at putting off the cutting for last. Not keeping too many sharps on hand. Throwing them away when I'm done, so that I really have to "work for it" if I have to cut....need to cut.....Back in the day....when I cut daily.....I used scalpel blades.....and its really easy to cut to deeply with them.....but they are to most satisfying cuts.....clean....precise...... preferred method of destruction...

This week the T tells me he has to go do military duty again.....for two weeks......we just start digging down deep.....and he's leaving me to my own devices for two weeks....no one to talk to.....school is out of session until June 4th.....my daughter is at school all day.....I can't afford gas to get out of the house....it's like the world is closing in on me.....I'm so fucked.....

The need to bleed

I'm spiraling down. God, I hate this. It's like I'm trapped inside myself. I can't escape.

I have been obsessing on how to help my therapist get it. After last session, I feel like I need to make him understand. The way he talks to me....guilt trips me....it isn't working. I don't know how to help him get it. What its like to be tormented and know that the only way to find relief is to make myself bleed.

This week is so....fuzzy. Like I'm not really here; disconnected. Kind of like that feeling of driving and suddenly realizing you've driven 30 miles but don't remember any of them....oops, already used that analogy...

I came to sitting on the couch today. 2 hours had passed. I don't know where I was....somewhere in my head. Somewhere safe from myself? Only I can't function like that. I can't just space out when I feel like this. And so the cycle continues.

Cut to stay grounded. And I can feel it coming, like a surfer looking at the horizon waiting for the swell to reach her so she can ride it to the coast. I wish it was that normal. I know it's not.

Shame. Knowing it will happen. Knowing I will have to hide it. Knowing the fix is temporary.

I haven't bled my arms in years...much too conspicuous....but my mind is screaming for it. It lasts longer....feels right.....