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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

"You can't say that civilization don't advance....in every war they kill you in a new way" ---Will Rogers

I have finally escaped the black hole in the middle of nowhere and am settling into my new digs in civilization. Oh how I missed you 3am sirens chasing hoodlums down the street. Oh how I missed you asshole drivers who can't use a blinker! I actually missed these things.....you'd think that everything would right itself again.....not so much.....

My anxiety is rising to an almost unbearable point. I had thought it would be solved by the move. Moving back to my support network; moving back to where I have more resources, more possibilities, but that hasn't been the case. In fact my body is screaming out at me to do something....anything to alleviate it's stress.

I have had tic for almost two weeks now. So weird to experience--frustrating and uncontrollable, which is terrifying because one of my biggest anxiety issues is not having control....and now my own body is rebelling.

I have that sinking feeling in my gut that almost swallowed me six years ago. I am sliding down that slippery slope once again. I just hope that I don't take anyone else down with me.

I think about cutting almost every second of everyday. I haven't since the last episode that I shared on here. I'm too scared that my secret will be found out. That I will be judged. That I will loose face. The more I fight the urge the more I have the urge to do something self-destructive--drugs, drink, binge, purge........something---ANYTHING, to relieve the sinking, the pressure, the need for control.