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Thursday, May 2, 2013

Sometimes it all falls apart...

I really and truly an going to try to start doing this regularly. Life, as usual, has been throwing curveballs over the last few months, and aparently, I'm no catcher.

Where to begin? Well, for starters, and something that sucks but is no where near a blip on my radar, I killed my computer. Knock it off the couch, and evidentially elliptical machines and MacBooks don't occupy space together well. So, I will be doing my blogging from my phone. This being said, tryin to figure out where I last left off on my saga was just too tedious a task for me to take on at the moment. My head is swimming with words that beg to be purged.

So. *deep breath*

Bob and I are no longer together. That fact, I am okay with. To be honest I think I was more attached to the symbolism it represented; the growth and change it represented. Bob tested my values. Marriage, for example. Before meeting him, I was content to go at life a loner and make the best of it or die (likely by my own hand) trying. I had long since lost hope of meeting someone who saw value (in me) where I saw none. Bob changed and challenged my thoughts on marriage. He opened my heart to possibility; to hope. He ended up crushing that hope in the end, but I'll get to that in a bit.

Bob also showed me I have far more patience than I could have ever imagined. He tested the limits of my ability to be compassionate and selfless. He also brought about an understanding that I cannot love someone enough to make up for the love they lack for them self. In this, I feel growth: naive beliefs about love's power ahead away, but not abandoned.

So there's that.

Now the not so heartwarming chapters. We had a miscarriage in late January. I was between 9-12 weeks. Had just started those unexpected porcelain throne sessions, and was beginning to gain those lovely mommy super powers of being able to tell someone in detail what they had eaten hours before.  I had just enough time being pregnant to incision little hats, pacifiers, baby blankets, etc. Bob...well...he was terrified. It was at this point that he finally came out and shared he did not want more children, and news of our pregnancy sent him into a downward spiral of selfishness that he never did recover from. I was heartbroken. The pain during the miscarriage was nothing compared to the grief I am still dealing with. And Bob, he was there for part of day one, and then disappeared until a hormonal me called and chewed his ass out for making me endure the whole process alone.

That was the beginning of the end. Fights escalated, threats were thrown, we were on the precipice of the end, then...promises were made and things would be okay for a while.....until those promises never came to fruition...and the cycle would repeat. It was during a quite peaceful lull in our relationship that our relationship was ended. The real kick in the vag, was that he initiated this via email....you know, because we are 12, and 9 months and a miscarriage together warrants that sort of cowardice. Fun side note, I found out, and I shit you not: a day before, that I was preggers....again.

And my heart broke all over again....and will for sometime, because ultimately, given my bodies propensity to reject pregnancies, and the fact that my body wasn't recovered, and the fact that the father is a selfish dick that I want nothing more to do with...I chose to terminate. I know, judge me. I am. My heart breaks daily....my faith is shaken. Faith not only in God....but also in my own judgement.

So. Life is a bit bleak. I, ran straight into my ex's arms for meaningless sex. And have fallen back on old coping methods to get through the day. I'm so wrecked with shame and self-hatred....it's all I can do not to foolishly act on impulse....at least the life ending ones.

I'm still in therapy. I am scheduled for a psych consult next week.  I am passively suicidal and caught in a self-loathing tailspin.

On a happier note, other than sleeping with the ex (my child's father) the once, I have managed to keep at least that small bit of grace. I have gone out on a couple of coffee dates. A couple were terrible, but there has been one that kinda suprised me. In a good way. But he has a lot of patience ahead of him if he wants to pursue me. I will not get back into the pattern of being the pursuer for some time.  That was just too much. And my heart is still grieving the loss of my children.