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Friday, November 23, 2012


The holiday season is upon us. I wonder if I'm the only one who dreads this time of year. Not only does my sleep schedule get off-kilter  because of this day light savings nonsense (and it is already pretty screwed, so this year should be loads of fun), but my family just plain stresses me out.

I'm the first child of five. The eldest, and all that means in every sense of what Alfred Adler taught about family constellations and birth order. But, I am also the black sheep. I was the first to leave; the first to finish college AND the only, one thus far to do so with no parental support of any kind. Now I'm about to graduate from grad school (also the first)....and....my family could seemingly care less....I sent them all a text letting them know the details of commencement (I had even told both parents in face-to-face conversations), and neither parent, or members of their respective families took note. Nothing....no response, no RSVP's...then at Thanksgiving they acted surprised that I was graduating next month when I mentioned it. Don't get me wrong, mom and dad will show up on graduation day, chests puffed out, patting me on the back, grinning ear to ear....but it's all for show....and it has nothing to do with them, and they will take all the credit.

Anyhow. New job, finally. Loving it so far, as I actually get to use my degree and knowledge. I actually get to help people and make a difference in the world. Its not providing counseling in the formal sense of the word, more like casework and counseling blended, but, minus the paperwork (writing progress notes--ICK!)....I pretty much love it. Scary thing is, I probably qualify for the services that the place I work for provides....and I have listened to clients' stories and felt like they were telling my own history...I am oscillating between feeling like I can really make a difference...and feeling like a complete fake. I am thankful though. I needed something to give me hope and financial security. I hope that this is where I am meant to be for now.

Bob and I are still together....if you can call it that really. I see him, maybe once or twice a week. Not much of a relationship really. I am finding myself caring less and less. I guess God did answer my prayers. I still care about him and love him, I'm just not in love with him. I barely see him. He's not pursuing me, and I'm all burnt out pursuing him. Doesn't matter much, as he doesn't appear to notice.

Truth be told, I kind of feel lied to. He's not who I fell in love with at all anymore. At first he was funny, and attentive, and sweet. He showed me his vulnerable side, but was still dark and mysterious, and sarcastically sexy. Now....he's just kind of a downer.... He's super negative about everything. And I don't mean negative, as in "I'm unhappy and just want someone to listen so I can get it off my chest and go back to being okay"-negative...not the way I kind of am on here, so I can get it out of my system and resume life.....no, I mean he doesn't have anything positive to say....I even tried to help him find something positive to talk about tonight (the first time seeing him in I can't remember how long)....and he almost got there...he showed me some web design he was working on for his new job...but then he started tearing it down. *sigh*

Have I meantioned that I am beginning to be terrified about meeting his kids because of the way he talks about them?? And I LOVE kids!! He rarely has anything nice to say about them....and having had little-to-no interaction with them this far, as per his request...all I can picture are dysfunctional, misbehaved, little terrors who have no discipline, manners, or boundaries base on his description of his time with them....I don't do the whole no discipline/respect thing.

My child is amazingly well-behaved. Sure, she has her moments, but, anymore, they amuse me.  I use the love and logic style of parenting which allows her to be responsible for her choices and I get to be a guiding influence instead of a ball of anger being the enforcer or a tired mess trying to be the puppeteer. Bob talks about not being able to do anything else but chase after the kids and try and keep them from "killing each other" when he has them....I just can't fathom being like that. So I am torn between wanting to meet them and be a model for him....kind of boost his parenting self-esteem and prove to him it can be done, and they will still love you, even if they don't like you all the time...and wanting to "peace out" and run for the hills.

Mostly, I feel sorry for the kids, because, for his accounts, it doesn't sound like they are getting any sense of responsibility for self or self control....I predict some very stressful teenage years are ahead for their parents....and do I really want that influence on my own kid? I would hope she'd be a good influence on them...but...why chance it?

I don't know. The more I think about a future with him...the less I see him in my future...(hell, it's not like I see him much now anyhow, and we're only 4 months into the relationship)....I think I might just like him as a friend or "F" buddy....he just isn't...he isn't reliable...and everything in this relationship is still all on his time...when he wants to/has energy/has nothing else to do.....I doubt he will even remember my birthday, as he has yet to show any capability of forethought or planning. I am getting really, really close to walking away...without saying goodbye.

And I hate that he is making a liar out of me. Part of me is really starting to hate him a little....or at least resent him a bit. I am trying so hard not to be the person I have been in relationships in the past...the one who walks away when it gets rough....I have told him....promised him... I'm not going anywhere....and I want to be with him....but he's not who I fell in love with...I don't love the man he is right now...this depressed, pathetic, shell...and he's not doing anything I can see to make his situation better....instead he has become more bitter...and hateful....just plain mean in the comments he makes sometimes....

I just don't know what to do. I want to be there for him. He doesn't seem to want me, or won't let me be....

I'm not going to put my life on hold. If I find someone who is better for me....I just might take that chance....and I don't think Bob will even care....or notice...sadly.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

"Real loss... only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself." Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting

So, I am back. Again.

Funny how I just told my T this week that I haven't been writing...haven't really felt the need...or motivation...or passion...I don't write when things are going okay....I guess it's the artist in me. Great writing...not that mine will ever be considered great...but it's hard to enjoy art: writing, music, painting...if it isn't fueled by passion...and my passion comes from pain...So I guess, pain is a blessing...???

"When you're happy you enjoy the music, when you're sad you understand the lyrics."-Frank Ocean

I'm...conflicted and hurting....I cried myself to sleep last night....shortly after I prayed. Shit. Just. Got. Real.

I prayed that God either let me stop loving Bob....or allow Bob to understand that he's not treating me right and change his heart. And as much as I would love to have faith that God was listening....and will allow me what I really want: Bob to stop treating me as an option...stop putting me on the back burner...Stop taking for granted that I'm not going anywhere (he has an admitted habit of self-sabotage)..and to treat me the way I deserve (yea, I said it! I deserve to be treated as if I matter)....I have a feeling that as per usual with my requests to The Big Guy, I will remain unheard....my prayers unanswered....and as with every father figure....and hell... every man that has ever been in my life, period...I will remain insignificant, unimportant....and a foot note.

But I want to have faith....I want to believe that I am worth it....that Bob will get it...go back to being the man I fell in love with. The man who wanted to be here...and I knew it because he was. He was here, without excuse. He made plans, on his own, without reminder, to spend time with me. He made time. He had his priorities right, and I was close to the top...He did what he had to do to be here...and it felt amazing. I felt important. 

I want to have faith...I want to be patient. I have a history of walking away....pushing people away....because if you never let anyone in, there are no expectations....no chance of getting hurt...no disappointments. But I don't want to do that with Bob. I want to be better for him....and I have never been with anyone that made me want that. I haven't cut in almost 10 weeks....although it's not for him....it's because I want to be better because of him....at least the him that I fell so head-over-heels in love with....THAT him....the attentive man who paid attention to detail...enjoyed learning about me...allowed me to learn about him...shared his darkest secrets...was vulnerable (how is it that men still don't understand that being honestly and genuinely vulnerable with a women is sexier than the best sex or most passionate kiss?) with me.

I constantly I'm in a double bind in this relationship. If I walk away, tell him I'm not happy, tell him how I feel....he goes into victim mode (low self esteem issues I know all too much about, first hand and personally): "I'm not worth her time" "She deserves better." "I just need to let her go, I want her to be happy, and I can't make her happy."....and then I hurt for being selfish...for being demanding...for being unhappy....I am the bad guy.....Mind you, he's never actually told me I'm being selfish, am too much work, am demanding, but the subtext of his victim/martyr mode tells me these things....push my defensive button of beating myself up....And if I say nothing...I remain unhappy, but I have him....when it's convenient....for him....

And I feel alone....and more insignificant than if I was not in a relationship. Like being in a room full of people, and yet none of them look at you...talk to you...or acknowledge your existence.....and even though it hasn't quite become that extreme with him....I often wonder if I stop making it easy for him, if anything would change for the better: If I stopped asking to skype...asking when I can see him....texting him....if I matched the effort he's putting in...stopped making him a priority in my life...what would become of us?

What is really concerning is that I have been thinking about doing the most out-of-character, hurtful things. Like saying things, that may be true, but would push all of his buttons at once....or cheating on him with my ex..because if I'm going to feel insignificant, I may as well get good sex out of it....and the fact that if I called my ex...he'd actually drop everything to be here for me....sex or no....But that's not who I want to be. I don't want to self-destruct. I don't want to hurt Bob. I love him. But I'm hurting...he's hurting me....and I want him to feel it too....maybe then he would try...would fix it....but that's unrealistic....that only happens in soap operas and teen melodramas. 

And so begins another extensive stretch that I won't be able to see him. Last time was ten days....and it wasn't that we couldn't have seen each other....it was that he didn't make time to come to me...and I had my child...making going to him impossible.

This weekend he's going out of town, so I won't even get to see him for the hour during Sunday service....and then he has his kids until next Thursday. I haven't seen him in two...and not because he had his children, but because he didn't care enough to make the time. He goofed off, didn't do what he needed to do, didn't think ahead, and so his excuses appeared to be reasonable and valid at first glance: "I have homework" "I need to do x, y, and z" "I'm tired" (uh..yeah! you wouldn't be if you didn't dick around on the computer until 1am doing nothing productive, duh!), but then I notice the amount of time throughout the day that he plays games online...or takes the time to find something funny to post on Facebook...and I realize that his excuses...his lack of doing what he needs to do thing...manage his time wisely....is just another validation of how low on his list I am....

.... And so.....I'm beginning to realize that if he wanted to be with me....he would be here....with me.
And yet, I keep hoping that he will surprise me....even with the smallest of gestures....and be reliable...and consistent....and I think that's what hurting me the most....the hope...and then the fall: getting disappointed.

So I will continue to pray, unheard prayers....and cry myself to sleep.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Hard to walk with broken legs

I'm still not sure what the T wants me to write. In our session Monday she asked if I deserve to be happy. That questions has been bouncing around in my head/heart, ever since. I know, rationally, that of course I do deserve to be happy....that I can't come up with an action or event in my life that would make me unworthy of being happy....but it's still hard to accept. My internal dialogue tears that question apart: If you were worthy why did 'it all' happen? Why is your life so difficult? Why...why...why?

I guess it feels as though I'm being punished...since....since I was little....for something. I can't believe in a higher power....who would allow such things to happen....to continue to let such things happen....over and over....and maybe I wasn't meant to survive....surely no one with this history....this pain.... is meant to live with it...

The therapist tells me I'm strong; I'm a survivor....and to be honest, I would feel much more successful in surviving and beating a terminal illness...some physical cancer, than how I feel grasping at straws, struggling.....to hold on to...what? What am I holding on to/for? At least if the illness were physical there would be an end....a halt....a period of remission...a time when the fight was over...It would end me or I would defeat it....but that's not how my reality....my life....my story....goes.

Over and over, time and time again...I crawl...broken...bruised...up one mountain...out of the darkness...hoping to find sanctuary...my Shangri-La at the peak...something to make the fight...the battle...the war... worth it...only to find an massif blocking out sun. I only just climb to my feet before I'm crawling again. I feel as though, each time...I lose a part of myself....piece by piece, trial by trial....my skin is worn away....shredded...and I am....broken.

I guess...whether or not I am deserving of happiness...doesn't seem to be...doesn't feel like it's in my control. I treat myself the way I was taught. How I think of myself is a reflection of that. And even in my moments of strength...where I just think, "Fuck it, I'm not going to let it get me down...I'm going to make this work..." I'm still alone. And eventually the loneliness gets me. Because....who wants to win a battle...who wants to beat a cancer...when there is no one to share your life with?

Friday, October 12, 2012

"You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Another therapy session today. For those of you playing the home game, that's three this week. Feeling particularly volatile at the moment. Fairly sure my therapist is terrified....welcome to my world....now try taking those feelings of fear for/of someone else and feeling them about yourself. Quite the paradox.

I'm such a mess right now. I don't know how to put into words quite what I am feeling. I tried to reach out to Bob....let him in....let him know just how deeply I am hurting right now....and I screwed it up. I said some things that I knew were hurtful...no matter how true....they shouldn't have been said. I tried all day to reach out to him....without telling him directly that I needed him....needed a shoulder to cry on....someone to tell me everything will be okay...and he ignored it....instead asked why I was upset with him. When we finally spoke directly about why I was so "upset"....it all came spilling out... the anger at him ignoring my needs....when I have been there for him....but it wasn't just anger at him...it was anger at everyone that has done that to me....which....is everyone....every person I have ever tried to trust...tried to rely on....tried to be close to....I am there for them....and when I need someone....they aren't there....except one....but we've gone there already...

And instead of listening...he got defensive....belittled me...basically scolded me for being passive-aggressive.....called me a child....and when I'm being direct, telling him what I need...what I expect...what I want...I'm selfish...he belittles me...makes me feel as if I'm not deserving of getting my needs met. I snapped. Broke down. Let it all out.

I told him how I'm feeling. What I have been struggling with...what the voices in my head tell me daily...what I keep hidden from most....from all....even from my best friend...

It is getting harder to see any way out...or that things will ever be better....I'm already down....why does the world continue to kick me?....

I want it all to stop. I'm tired....tired of hurting and being hurt....and that part of me that is fighting back....is losing....and I'm scared....and hurting more than I thought possible....and I just want it to stop. I don't know how else to take control....don't know what else I can do....to make things better.

I haven't self-harmed in a long time. I can't remember when last...I've been to scared to....afraid to get carried away....it used to work so well...but now it's tied to disappointing....Bob....and I don't want to disappoint him....I want to be better for him....but I'm not. I'm not good for him at all. All I have done is make him miserable.....made him hate me....resent me....I'm no good for anyone....

Thursday, October 11, 2012

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” ― Maya Angelou

As part of my therapy I am supposed to journal; when I'm struggling with emotions....when my head is filled with nonsense, darkness, and all things that haunt and hurt, my therapist has requested that I write them down...I'm not sure that she quite understands the battle in my heart and head....the moments when I am not struggling would be easier to document...the brief silence between battles...intermission, if you will. But to take time and document them would ruin the interlude. I really have no clue what she's expecting. What she wants me to write...

How am I feeling? Tired...insignificant...useless...unwanted...alone...empty...sad...hurt...betrayed....angry....an endless list of adjective....meaningless without context.....and with context....still meaningless...because I am unimportant...invisible....

Maybe I should just tell you what's going on in my life...

I have stopped going to church group. I haven't gone in a couple of weeks. I felt like a square peg in a world with only round doors...trapped. I didn't fit in. That last week that I went, I got there early, as per usual....picked my seat carefully...in a corner where I could see everyone and the exit was easily accessible...and waited. Others started arriving and made small talk. I was friendly, smiling, trying to participate...but as soon as enough others arrived, I was shut out...ignored...left sitting alone. The only reason anyone eventually sat next to me was when there was no other option. Complete blow to my self-esteem. Trying something new. Trying to reach out....make new connections....trying to find some place that I fit in...and as usual....I find nothing for me....no place where I fit.....square peg in a circle world.

My relationship with Bob is strained....has been for sometime. And I should mention, bloggerland, that I did tell him about this blog....and I think he reads it though I am not sure. I am afraid to ask, I guess. So, going into...all that is strained....I have been quite reserved about it. Afraid that hashing out my inner most thoughts....admitting....putting them into words...will hurt him...hurt us....end us....and that's the last thing I want. It would crush me. And, I don't know that I would be able to deal with that and everything else. But....I am supposed to write it down...so...I will try....and maybe he won't read it...or maybe he will and get it....I don't know....I care...I don't want him to think badly of me....I was stupid to share this place with him....this place that knows my insecurities...my darkest thoughts....deepest hurts....its a wonder he hasn't pushed me away sooner.

I have never felt important. I have never felt like I matter...never felt accepted, loved, wanted....needed...to anyone....no, that's wrong. I take that back. There was one person who loved me. My grandmother. Even when I finally told her about my self injury....only a few years before she died....she didn't say anything, only held me and told me that things would get better. She had hope....she had strength....enough for both of us....and I trusted her...with all my heart...life and being. She didn't judge me...never....never once showed judgement, unkindness....only encouragement, love, kindness...she believed in me. I was important to her. And I feel like a failure. If she could see me now...I don't even want to think about it. Would she think so much of me? I fear she would not.

Other than her....I have not felt like my life meant anything to anyone. I have tried to find happiness with in myself. Do all the things "they"...the world, society, my parents, friends, family....everything "they" say will lead to a happy, successful, meaningful existence: work hard, be kind, care for others, treat them well, judge not, go to school, fall in love....and yet, here I am....an unhappy failure.

I have tried to love....let others in...so many, many times. And I have loved....hard, with all my heart....pure, kind, non-judgmental love. Accepting of so many flaw, loving the flaws the most in the end....and I am never enough...I am never "the one"....I have never been loved in kind...I know life isn't a fairytale....Hell, I know life isn't rose colored....isn't kind....it's fair....life sucks. But, I don't want it to. I want to find love. I want to be loved. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don't love myself....don't see much worth loving. Despite my best efforts, my life....is a disappointment.

I want someone to see me as someone worth loving. My whole life....even how I see myself has been shaped by what others think...so much so that I don't know where their voices end and mine begins....do I even have a voice of my own?...did I ever?....or has my past devoured it? I don't remember ever thinking something about myself that wasn't influenced by what others thought....said....showed me....

After my daughter's father....I put my heart on lock down. Built walls....didn't let anyone in. Wouldn't. Threw away the key...burnt the map...focus on doing it alone....doing it all alone. Working towards my goal: undergraduate degree, despite being told I wouldn't be able to....then to grad school...I've spent much of the past six years unemployed trying to make it through school and raise my child...rarely asking for help....feeling ashamed when i had to....and thouroughly shamed by my family when I have asked.....always a tally kept....a record of my failures that they use to shame me...use my guilt against me....

...and then along came Bob. Hope. Light at the end of the tunnel. Life. Kindness. Acceptance of my secrets. And I resisted. I wanted to run, shut him out, scare him away, but I didn't. Remember thinking...that I'd come to a crossroad. That I had a conscious choice to make: to escape or give in and take a chance on being hurt, disappointed. And I chose the later. I chose him.

I chose to take a chance on love....allow him to love me....allow myself to love him, to get attached....to want a future...a future with him in it. Allowed myself to hope....hope for happiness...hope for security....love....hope for things to change...for the pain and pressure to ease...for everything I've been through to be worth it in the end....And that thought... that HOPE......it terrifies me to my core...I am not worth loving...I don't deserve it...but I gave into that little, tiny....voice...the faintest voice inside my head...and heart....I let him in....

He pursued me so hard in the beginning. There was rarely a day when he didn't reach out. Tell me he was thinking of me, he was even the first to admit the "L" word....I felt his love...his pride in loving me and being loved by me....We shared secrets. I felt vulnerable, but it felt right....I was getting what I gave....he was an open book...said what he was feeling....sharing with me....and then he stopped. Stopped sharing, stopped pursuing, stopped reaching out....he just stopped.

....and some part of me feels betrayed....and angry..... I feel exposed....vulnerable....and I want it to stop. ....hurt.... angry at him....but mostly at myself for being so stupid. For letting myself fall for him. Every survival instinct...every cell of my body is screaming to shut down, turn it off....run away...forget him, write him off. But that's not what my heart wants. I want to love and be loved. and still my head rages on....I'm stupid for taking a chance....taking a risk....walking into it....I did this to myself...I deserve the misery...I made my bed....so stupid....who was i kidding....who could love me....I'm broken...insignificant....bad...dark....evil....I am not worthy of love....but why? why do I not get to be loved? why are all the good things in my life fleeting?

Things with he an I....I don't know....they're just....complicated...I don't know if this is how its supposed to be....I just feel so much distance between us....I don't like it....it makes me sad...I finally told him that I do want a future with him in it....and he seemed relieved....and for about a day, I felt close to him. We talked. We laughed. We enjoyed each others company. I felt like he want to be there. And I haven't really felt that since. I'm still the one trying to be with him....and I'm not feeling like there's much come back to me....He doesn't make plans to see me...he doesn't call....doesn't say hi or leave a message on FB, though I know he's on there most of the day playing games.... I feel like he's ashamed of me....lord knows I deserve that...but that doesn't make it hurt any less....It all makes me feel like the crazy stalker girlfriend.....but if I don't make contact...he won't...we'll drift apart.....and he'll just assume I'm pushing him away....and that will be the end of us....I don't know what to do....damned if I do...damned if I don't....kind of an over-arching theme of my life....

Makes me think of my child. The best thing I have ever done....I would die for her. I would kill for her...she deserves a chance....she deserves the world. She deserves better. And I have tried...am trying to make myself better for her.....but I don't feel as though I am succeeding. I am so afraid that what is wrong with me will bleed into her....that her life...will end up just like mine.

I have been pulling away from her lately....emotionally at least. I tell her she is smart, that she is beautiful...that I love her...I tell her everyday.....I hold her...I take care of her....make sure she always has what she needs, and even a little of what she wants...teach her right and wrong....I make sure she can't see my pain...and.... I can't feel the love for her anymore. I know that I do....more than anything else in this world I love my daughter....but I'm afraid to feel it; Afraid that if I do she will be taken away from me. That I will lose her. Everything I have ever truly and deeply loved has been lost....

God....who ever is in charge...whatever that force is that shapes the universe....keeps things in balance...continues existence....I am afraid, it would take her...the best thing I have ever done....would take her out of my life...I certainly don't deserve her. She is perfect. She is smart and kind and beautiful inside and out....so innocent....everything I should have been given the chance to be. And I'm so afraid I'll ruin it for her....so afraid I'll ruin her....just like my mother....father...God....step parents....their family....did to me....

Friday, October 5, 2012

Time to get away

Therapy has somewhat plateaued, not that I'm surprised. I have yet to meet a therapist who knows how to help. the current T wants me to walk down memory lane and become connected with my emotions, but the thought of that is so scary I just haven't been able to do it. I have put so much emotional distant between my past and my present, I don't even know where to begin to put the two together again.

In other news, I had a job interview this week. It went well. I kind of turned the tables on the interviewer and interviewed her. It was kind of fun. It's not my dream job....doubt I'll even be able to pay the bills with it....in fact, working again will actually create another bill--before and after school care for the kiddo. *le sigh*

Why can't I get ahead, just once!? I'm not asking for much....just to be able to maintain my modest...and borderline poverty stricken existence....I don't need a fancy car, I don't need a huge house with a white picket fence, I don't even need extra money at the end of the month....I just want to make ends meet without putting myself in the black....and it seems that's all I have done with my life. I want so bad to set a good example of a strong, independent woman for my daughter. I want her to remember me and feel proud of the stock she came from....I want to leave a legacy for her....and all I have to show for my efforts at the moment is a debt of $96,000 in school loan debt and no job to speak of....

The boy and I are doing well. He's really good for me. When he makes me laugh I feel what it's like to be truly happy and content in that moment: no regrets, no past haunting me, no dread of the future....just peace and joy.

We're going away for the weekend. I have a feeling this weekend will be a test of our relationship, as mother nature is not cooperating with our plans, so we will have to find fun with each other outside of the bedroom. I'm sure it will be an adventure, especially given my limited ability to contribute to the trip, and the fact that I hate allowing him to take on the financial burden of spending time together on his own. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so stubborn...and I'm sure he does too. I just hate feeling like I owe someone, and my distorted perception of relationships makes it hard for me to accept anything from anyone without feeling like I owe them. It would be nice to be able to believe that someone would do something kind for me just because they can, and want to, and that they like to see me happy....without expecting anything in return. Alas, I have yet to experience this.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Igneous Rock

I've had some time to cool, and consulted my BFF's about the annoyance/disappointment the whole" he got a dog thing" has caused. They convinced me that I wasn't being selfish. That I was right to worry about how it would affect our relationship. It's nice that they agreed with me, but I still feel terrible. I have such a hard time sticking up for myself....or doing anything for myself, really.

Growing up I was expected to be the responsible, selfless, peacemaker. Now, I can't even buy myself a pair of jeans without going through the whole cycle of guilt, self-hate, self-condemning, and shame. I know it's irrational, but I don't know how to fight it.

I told him, more or less, how I feel about his new life commitment. Tried to express myself, down playing how much it was bothering him. I have such a hard time expressing myself to him when I disagree with him. Growing up, disagreeing wasn't allowed. Expressing any emotions except contentment and happiness (however feigned) was punished. I fear if I disagree with him he will compare me to his ex....which he still very much dislikes. I don't want the slightest association of me to her in our relationship....it's like my biggest fear. Mostly because I don't want him to run away. I'm still so scared he will.

I'm still struggling with the fear of not being enough for him. Every man that I have ever loved...has always left me...because I wasn't enough....and they've never told me why. My daughter's father cheated on me, and told me that he couldn't be in love with me. The man that I loved before him...told me out of no where that he didn't want a relationship and disappeared...and it's happened more times than I can count. I think things are going great in a relationship and I'm suddenly left in the dust....blind-sided....not good enough....So it goes without saying, that my fear is very real for me.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Just another rant

Popping on again. Not doing too well. My head is a mess. I'm physically exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well for a while now. Resorted to sleeping on the couch, because I seem to stay asleep at least on the couch. In bed I toss and turn and wake up every two hours.

Feeling pretty low. Still going to church. Really trying to embrace the experience....let go of some of my crap...not sure I'm doing it right. I'm getting more comfortable actually going on Sunday. The crowd doesn't bother me as much, just not feeling the spirit of it all.

Bob and I are still together. We've run into some problems in the bedroom that I am having a hard time not internalizing. But we're remaining mostly open and honest about it. He doesn't seem to believe me that I'm not in this for the sex. I could go without, as long as I get to spend time with him....which I think is about to be our next issue to navigate. The time we get to spend together is...seems....so far in between as it is. I have full custody of my daughter, and he only recently met her. I still haven't met his children which he has joint (little less than 50/50) custody of. So I we can't "be seen together" or spend time together, if his children are around. That makes going to church with him quite a bugger. He doesn't want to put them through any more stuff at the moment after his ex started dating, got engaged, and married in an 8 month span.....completely understandable. I totally respect that....and am actually kind of reserved about meeting them, because I fear his and my parenting styles won't be the same and I really can't stand to see parent/child relationships where the kids rule the roost because one or both parents are stuck in their own guilt. We're also both in school, so while homework isn't intense for me at the moment, it is for him.

And then......he goes and gets a dog....*sigh* Don't get me wrong, I love, love, LOVE animals, especially dogs. I still cry when I think about our dog and how we had to give him to a new home when we moved to civilization. I love dogs, and dogs love me. But....he can barely keep up with his children.....and he adds a dog?! Who isn't house-trained and has lived in a shelter for god knows how long?!?! *sigh* The night he thought he was going to get the dog he didn't want me to come over because it might stress the dog out. Then he told me he was afraid the dog might like me more....*eye roll* And I can just see it, next I won't be able to come over and spend a few hours with him because the dog has been kenneled up all day and needs his attention.....

And I know I shouldn't be resentful....I know I shouldn't....it's just....we don't talk like we did in the beginning. We don't text. He doesn't send me sweet messages. I just feel like he's pulling away....and I'm falling farther and farther down his list of life's priorities....and it feels rotten. It's like he doesn't really want me to become part of his life. Like he's only made a small space in his life for me....like a box I don't quite fit into....and he's shoving more things in this already crowded box....

And it's kind of breaking my heart. Because I haven't allowed anyone close to me like I have him in a long, long time. I had become content with the fact that I was going to make a go at life alone: complete school, raise my kid, have a career, even have another child with donor sperm if the fancy struck.....I was okay with all that. I've never seen marriage work....I had gotten to the point where I just wasn't really looking anymore.....And then he came along. And although I was terrified....I had started to feel pretty comfortable....I'd even began to have thoughts like: "maybe marriage isn't a fool's contract"....and...."you know...I could see a future with this guy....maybe even marriage"......and now.....I still feel like that....but my head is trying to protect my heart and screaming at me to re-build my walls so I don't get hurt.

I don't know what to do....I want to just sit and cry.....but I don't trust myself to be able to handle that very well....

Thursday, August 23, 2012

"Am I lost, or just less found" -C .S. Lewis

So, it's been a while. Not the longest break I've taken from Bloggerland, but I do apologize for my absence.....not that I'm sure anyone noticed, or cared....

My life....oh geez, where do I start?

Classes are back in full swing. The director that did my entrance interview has left, and will be very much missed. I really hope that I can stay in touch with her. I really admire and respect her, and she really seems to care about people, and understand that darkness that threatens to swallow some....like she's been there. The new director....I don't know her. She seems nice enough, but I hope to fly below her radar and make it out of the tunnel my life has become.....I just hope that the tunnel doesn't lead to the end of a cliff...

Remember my former T? The one who had to stop seeing me because his supervisor wanted to sit in, and I refused because she was going to be one of my professors this semester? She had told him that she wasn't going to be teaching this fall...in hopes that, that would allow her to observe, I suppose. Well.....guess who is my last class instructor?? You got it. She is. *insert expletive name calling here* Once again, my instincts--not to trust--haven't failed me. It just really hurts that, of all people in the world to lose my trust, it was someone who should always be trustworthy. Someone who, if in the profession for the right reasons, is devoted to building people up, not tearing them down.

I am still seeing the new T. I have been totally open and honest with her. She is a very kind, caring soul, though I'm still not convinced that there is any hope that I will ever be whole....ever feel peace....contentment....ever be cured of my darkness....

I'm still dating Bob. He really has become a wonderful beacon of hope in my life. Like...maybe I'm not forsaken....I'm still struggling with accepting the goodness he brings into my life. My heart and mind in constant conflict, but he's not afraid of my demons.

I am also trying something else new. I have started going to church. *shock, horror!* I know, I surprised myself....and by the fact that I didn't spontaneously combust upon entering the sanctuary. I've, now, been to two Sunday services and a single mom's small group, and although anxiety inducing (the church is quite large)...the messages touched my heart. I'm still struggling....angry with God....hate myself....feel unworthy....unloved....tested to the point of self-destruction...This whole experience is very difficult.

I feel out of my comfort-zone. "Exposed", to quote a good friend....During the services I have attended I felt vulnerable, emotionally moved to the point of losing it....which plays on my fear of both being found out for the bat-shit, crazy woman I am, and of drawing attention to myself in a room of....oh, 500 (?) or so people. I e-mailed the women's ministry about a mentoring program the church has, in hopes of being able to connect with someone who might be able to help guide me, help me understand....accept....I don't know...find spiritual contentment?

Monday, July 30, 2012

somewhere over the rainbow

The past week or so has been good. My class for the summer wrapped up, and with me earning a 98%! I was sure I was doomed to fail....as I had no real interest, but....what can I say, I can bullshit with the best of them apparently.

I'm still dating Bob. We had a pretty intense talk about our children/parenting issues....and when we should introduce each other to our children...we disagree on the time frame, but I'm not worried. Everything happens for a reason and it will happen when it's meant to...

Oh geez, I sound like some crazed, blind-faith bible thump-er....

He wants to wait for 6-12 months. I can respect that. We talked about his reasoning, and agreed that the time frame doesn't have to be the same for my child as his. I hate feeling like I'm hiding something from my kiddo.

So, I have a couple weeks off between semesters. I am still babysitting my niece through the week, and will hopefully be able to get to the lake and get some sun.

Life seems to be taking a turn for the better......I hope....

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown."--- H. P. Lovecraft

Feeling pretty blissful this morning....basking in the after glow of a night with Bob. I had a rough weekend. He caught a glimpse of me at my worst....and didn't run...instead he held me, offered support....He is too good for me.

Monday night, I found myself feeling.....numb...my inner turmoil post therapy session left my mind an inferno...I cut....

Last night, midst a rather passionate make-out session, I was hit with a sudden bout of nausea...it was sudden...like a wave of my body rejecting the idea that this could all be real....that perhaps there is someone out there that could possibly love me....unconditionally....my heart wants to accept this so badly....but it seems that it will have to win over my body, which seems to reject this possibility full force...

Bob discovered my self-inflicted injuries last night...I was filled with shame...retreated into myself...my thoughts beating me to a pulp: "Worthless"..."Shameful"..."Unworthy"...and he stayed by my side...kissed my wounds....showed no signs of judgement....told me he didn't want me to be afraid and hide this from him....I asked him that if there was the slightest chance that I would become too much for him at any point in the future, to just leave now.....and he replied that he isn't going anywhere....and....I believe him.

My heart feels content; full........I love him......and this still terrifies me.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Torn to pieces without any glue

I feel sick....physically....emotionally....I am a mess. I'm naseaous and spacey....and just want to stop it all. All the thoughts...my internal dialogue beating the hell out of me....I just want to stop it. I want to cut so badly...to ground myself...to release some of the pressure that is building up inside.

I don't know why I even try. I want to be with "Bob"...so badly.....he's everything I have ever wanted in a guy....last night went to dinner...then back to his house for some cuddling and a movie. I ended up staying over...we tried to be intimate...and I couldn't....

It's not that I didn't want to...God, I want him....and I'm not sure where things started going wrong. Probably with the fact that I was sober....I haven't been intimate with anyone sober in a very long time....only a few unsuccessful attempts since before my attack in "undergrad part one".....since that...I have these flashbacks....and panic attacks....out of no where....when I'm intimate with someone....I recall having them a couple times with my ex....he didn't get it.

Last night...I couldn't relax and enjoy....he wanted to pleasure me....and I got this panicky feeling in my gut....my whole body felt like it was shaking from the inside out. I started to have these quick flashes of that night....and I just couldn't....and I don't get it...because when I'm with him I feel so calm and complete....Then....we were kissing and getting rather passionate and he barely touched my neck....and I almost leaped out of bed. I felt like someone had sucked all the oxygen out of the air.

I spent the night...and we tried again in the morning....and I just couldn't....and I hate myself for it. What the hell is wrong with me? I want to be with him....I've never felt the way I feel about him for anyone....especially not as quickly....we are so much alike...kind of feels like he's my soul-mate....and I don't even believe in soul-mates! Some part of me knows he's the type of man I deserve in my life....that part of me just isn't very strong right now....

my thoughts are beating the hell out of me.....I'm so freaked/stressed about all of this that I am physically ill. And he says all the right things. He says we can take it slower....that he's not going anywhere....that he understands....And my head says he shouldn't have to....that I'm too damaged....that he deserves better....He told me he loved me....something I have had to keep myself from telling him for a while....and it breaks my heart....I don't deserve love. I can't even have sex without freaking out....I'm such a fuck up. I hate myself....I'm so angry at myself....I just want to give in.

I want to cut so badly....I want to release some of these feelings that are suffocating me.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Higgs boson

I'm beginning to make a habit of this.....suppose it will fit right in with all my other habits....

Things are still a scrambled mess inside my head. Talk with the guy I'm dating on the phone for like three hours last night. We started talking about religion...which is something I normally avoid at all costs....but it's important to him.

I know he wants a to be with someone he can share his spirituality with; someone to be with that he can share that part of him with as well. He takes pride in being reborn....he's asked me to think about going to church with him. We talked quite a bit about his church....and God....and his beliefs...

And I don't know what to do with that. Everything I feel for him is pressuring me to just go along, so that he is content....but I have such an estranged relationship with God....and my beliefs aren't exactly.....well....let's just say, if I was living in times of the early church I would have been burned at the stake. That's not to say that I identify as Wiccan, or any other organized religion for that matter....

And that's not to say that I haven't given organized Christianity a chance.....or two....or three....I just always ended up disappointed.....not only disappointed in other members....so call representatives of Christ.....but also in God himself.

It seems like every time I turn to God....he eventually lets me down. Over and over again....I've been hurt..hurt to the core....betrayed in every possible way...hurt so deeply that actual physical pain has become the one thing that can comfort me...aggrieved so much that I self destruct as a means for self-preservation.....for what purpose? Even when I was innocent....nothing more than an ignorant child......and even later when I chose to follow Him dispute my upbringing....I was devout on blind faith, having no parental guidance in the area of faith a spirituality.....even then this all-knowing, all powerful being was no where to be found....Perhaps this is where my "daddy issues" truly began.

How do I begin to make the guy I'm dating...let's call him Bob from here on out....How do I help Bob understand that I cannot fathom a God who is supposed to be merciful, and kind, and caring, and bring peace....How could he exist given what I have been through.....and then...I have turned to him...that because of my past ......that I don't love myself....and can't fathom how a God so wonderful could possibly love someone as shameful....broken....disgusting....as me. I am my past....I am this way because those things happened to me....and if I believe in the philosophies of Christianity...then he's abandoned me....or punishing me...I must have done something wrong to deserve this....because good things happen to good people, right? Another double-edge sword....if I believe in God then I'm unworthy....if I don't I'm still unworthy....

On another note....told the ex that I had started dating someone. He took it well. I was a little worried there for a minute....his eyes weld up with tears....but he smiled and hugged me and told me he was happy for me. I worry about hurting him. He lost his father in December....and really hasn't been right since. Has all, but lost interest in our daughter...but he won't go see anyone....won't talk to anyone about it....

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Double-edged sword

I couldn't find a quote to express how I'm feeling. I couldn't even find music lyrics....nothing fits, nothing can completely express the screwed up mess I am right now.

So...last post I mentioned that I'd started dating. And that....everything about it was confusing the hell out of me. Nothing about that situation has resolved.

Truth is....he's amazing. He's kind, responsible, caring, a great listener, accepting, a hard worker, a great father, attractive. I've told him everything. He knows more about me than anyone else in my world....and he still wants to be with me....and I don't get it.

He knows just about every skeleton in my closet...almost every torrid detail....and hasn't run for the hills. My past tells me, if it's too good to be true, it usually is. I have lived in survival mode for so long--always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Over the years, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst has become a memory, as hope had long since been forgotten. So....he just doesn't make sense in my world. I have no way to rationalize why he wants to be with me.

And how he makes me feel......the fact that I feel around him at all is pretty miraculous....having been so numb lately....but he makes me feel content....safe....beautiful..........and I think...even....happy. I haven't felt content....much less happy in so long...I'm not even sure if this is what it feels like.

So I have all these warm fuzzy feelings...yearning for him when we're not together so much, my body physically aches....and then there's my head....

Screaming at me to run....that it's not safe....that I'll just end up hurt...that none of it is real....beating me down for feeling....reminding me of all of my past....that to hope for something better is foolish....unrealistic....

To make this even more complicated...he says all the right things. Its like he is somehow reading my mind...he's unafraid to be vulnerable...though he says he's terrified...he's told me where he stands...how he feels about me...and though I feel the same way...to say it aloud...I choke. Putting myself out there....admitting that I'm falling for him hard....panics me at my very core. My mind tells me I don't deserve him. My past proves it.

We only met about two weeks ago....it doesn't make sense. I've never felt this way about someone so quickly...in fact....I don't think I've felt this way about anyone at all....

I don't know what to do, Bloggerland....I don't have a rational explanation for this man in my life...and everything he is...everything he makes me feel....I just can't wrap my mind around it all...and it's creating a dissonance within me...I feel like I'm being torn apart. I want to cry and laugh at the same time....I feel so sad....so terribly dark....and happy at the same time....and something has to break....I have to choose what I'm going to do...do I give in?....jump in head first?...or do I run away myself?

And even as I typed that....the thought of running away....breaks my heart. I don't want to hurt him....I don't want to never see him again....so what do I do with this double edged sword?

Monday, July 16, 2012

Take two.....make that three...

So, a quick....okay maybe not quick....update on life in crazyville:

My therapist quit. At our last session he said his supervisor wanted me to get on medication to help with the depression. I told him no, that I have had horrible experiences with meds; that I experienced side effects worse than the depression; that I'm a single mom and don't have the support around me to help monitor symptoms. I gave him a list of all the meds that I've ever been prescribed for depression and anxiety. He told me his supervisor wanted to sit in on our next session. I told him no; told him that I didn't trust in her ability to not use the information she would learn about me against me in my professional life; that I hadn't heard good things about her as a teacher or a therapist; that she wasn't fooling me into thinking sitting in was about my well being and what's good for me, but about covering her own ass. He said he would go to bat for me. Didn't want to quit working together. It had been a month since I'd heard from him, so I text him asking him what was going on. He called back saying his supervisor said he couldn't work with me because I won't let her sit in.

in the time between contacts with my T......I started dating someone else.

Well. I didn't immediately start dating. I have been on a dating website for a while...I think I joined it when I was living in Isolationsville. Anyhow. After everything with my ex kind of just faded, I started replying to some guys on the dating site. One guy was particularly interesting and we clicked...we messaged on the site for a bit, then exchanged phone numbers and sent texts back a forth for a week. Then we started talking on the phone....and that first phone call was three hours long...We have so much in common, it's just scary. We went on our first date a little over a week ago, and have spent time either or talked on the phone....or exchanged texts everyday....

Being with him is.....wonderful....and it's weird and scary too. Mostly because of my fucked up head. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop....for something to go wrong.

......But when I'm with him; when I talk to him, it's like talking to a best friend....like I have known him for years. I even told him about my emotional baggage....depression and anxiety; about how OCD I get about things....and even about my self-injury and being in therapy....and he's "not scared off." We've talked about damn near everything....taboo and not....a small part of me testing him, I think.....

He tells me I'm beautiful...or calls me gorgeous.....and he says likes how independent I am.....and I don't think he likes me just because of what's on the outside....he says he really likes me....and....I almost believe him. I think a part of me even wants to...but....my negative internal dialogue is seriously getting to me...tearing...wearing me down....

Yet, strangely....I haven't wanted to cut since I met him.....not even a inkling of an urge....I've thought about it...but I don't want to...I have, however been high just about every day in the past month though...not necessarily when I'm with him...but....maybe that's why I'm so honest with him? Maybe that's why I'm so interesting to him?....interested by him?

But when I'm in his arms..I feel....different...I feel.....I don't know just yet what I feel....but it's different.....in a good way....but in a way that makes me hopeful...and yet scared to get my hopes up only to be shattered.

On another note, I am seeing a new T. A non-student intern, who works at the free clinic that I did my practicum at. Today was the first session...it was awkward...and weird....I am still angry and feel abandoned by my last T....I hate the thought of starting over.....I just started trusting him...and look where that got me....

She did say she understood what it was like to want to die....even not actively.....that kind of gives me hope.........that word again: hope......it makes me uncomfortable....

Monday, June 11, 2012

Freaking out....

So freaked out right now. So, I've been seeing a T for a while now. I was referred to him by the head of my grad school program....unfortunately he's her husband, which makes me leery in being candidly honest with him....His supervisor is also a teacher in my program, who I haven't had yet (but will in the fall!), but haven't heard great things about her as a teacher or a therapist....

So today he texts. He wants to know if it's okay for his supervisor to sit in?!?! I asked if I was allowed to say no. He says he can't refuse, but I asked if I can. I do NOT want his supervisor in session. He told me she doesn't know my identity, which I hope I can trust, but why does she want to sit in? I don't know. He hasn't responded.

I was finally able to let down my guard with him in last weeks session....be honest with him.....I even cried, which for me is really hard to do in front of others. I felt raw after last session, wasn't sure if he gets it yet.....but thought we were making small steps forward....and now this....FUCK! I told him that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop....that I'm constantly on guard, hyper vigilant....waiting for the next blow. I don't think he realizes that if his supervisor sits in, and I say the wrong thing in session....I mean, she scheduled to be my teacher next semester! She could fail me......get me kicked out of the program....she has all the power over the one thing I have going for me right now.....

I'm a fucking fool for trusting....

He texted back finally: "My supervisor said we could meet one last time to figure out where we want to go from here."

I'm so angry and hurt right now. It's like all possible fears I have about therapy are coming true all at once. I seemly dodged the bullet in having the supervisor sit in, but I have the feeling he's going to say he can't see me anymore. I took a chance and was finally open and honest....I sobbed in front of him....shared my darkest fears and secrets....and I have a feeling he's going to quit. This set the internal dialogue aflame...."No one can help you","You're too sick, there is no hope","He's disgusted with you....you're so disgusting".....I feel so much shame.....shame that I let down a wall....shame that I trusted.....on top of the shame of this illness....

Monday, June 4, 2012

"It is hopelessness, even more than pain, that crushes the soul"---William Styron

Had a couple really rough days. Couldn't find peace in numbness. Had a meeting with my T on Thursday. Walked out of the session with no hope, especially after he said he wasn't sure how to help me....my response..."I'm beginning to realize that no one can..." I feel like the walking dead. Nothing brings me joy anymore.

My ex had been trying to be helpful. Trying to find things to do. Brought over the Xbox so I could play rock band. Brought over a bunch of movies for me to watch. He's been very attentive. Very kind. But I don't feel worthy. I don't want his kindness. I know he cares for me, but not in the way that I'd wish. I don't think he'll ever settle down....commit to anything....anyone....especially not me. And who could blame him. I'm broken.....a mess....

My self injury has taken a turn for the worse. I can't sleep. I wake every two hours again. Exhausted....panicked...feeling like I can't breathe, like the world is tilting. I am fearful of running out of my herbal supplement. It has been a blessing. At least keeping me numb enough to function....go in public when need be...without panic....without fear.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have no memory of my life. It seems that life would me much simpler if I could just start fresh. I wish I believed in reincarnation.....or had some faith that theory.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

$$$ woes

Checking in again. Still fairly lit, thanks to my herbal supplements. I should be in full blown panic mode...but I'm super sleepy instead. I don't think I have been getting the right kind of sleep the past couple of weeks. Nightmare have been rampant.

Just found out yesterday that the refund check from school that I have been waiting on to dig myself out of the constantly accruing debt due to the need for things like a roof over our heads, running water, and electricity.....that money is over six weeks away....FML!

We usually get disbursements the second week into classes, which would be the second full week of June. Not so much.

This doesn't help the negative internal dialogue....at all....

I cut again last night. It was bad. Had to use the old hydrogen peroxide and steri-strips trick....

Apparently my T is back in town and wants to know if I want to come in today. I still don't know if I even want to continue....I'm so angry for him leaving me in a lurch like that....saying he had someone for me to call if need be....(....and there has been a definite need!)....and then saying he couldn't find anyone and to call his supervisor (one of my teachers in the fall!) if I need too. I'm tore between just writing him off and forgetting he existed and going in just to chew his a$$. Is that the hidden borderline in me? Is that a normal response? Should I feel so betrayed? I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel....what is normal. I can't even trust myself.....in any way.....

Monday, May 28, 2012

"Faith begins where Reason sinks exhausted"--Albert Pike

nightmares all night. Visuals of hatred, horror, and blood....self destruction....waking up in a panic...grasping at reality only to have it slip through my fingers as the next nightmare begins....

I'm losing my faith....how much pain can one individual tolerate before they give up? I keep pushing forward on faith, but nothing is changing....nothing gets better....the downward spiral continues....I'm ready for the bottom....the inescapable black hole in the end.

****Update: 8pm
Friend stopped by. gave me some Rx. It's all I can do not to take it all at once. So tempting, but alas, I need to prolong the numb....even though my body and mind are screaming for release. I have no one who gets it. no one to talk to. My friends are either in the dark as to my fucked-up-ness....or just as screwed up as me. I wish there was someone I could reach out to....without judgement or consequence. But there isn't.....I just want to sleep....soundly and without interruption.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

“Who has not sat before his own heart's curtain? It lifts: and the scenery is falling apart.”--Rainer Maria Rilke

So it's been a few weeks. Nothing much has changed, other than I have maintained numbness and a buzz. I know in the long run, this isn't probably a good thing....a continuing of the downward spiral....but I'm so afraid to feel right now. There's too much going on, so much pressure.....so much confusion, hurt, anger, sadness.....I can't handle it all at once...and that's how it will hit me. If I let down the wall....it will hit me like a tidal wave, and....at this point I am past the point of wanting to try and swim.

Lost a friend this week. I'd tried to help him this past year. Tried to get him help. I get how he felt....

He's been suicidal for the past eight months to a year. Gotten put on a 96 hour hold....started to drink himself into numbness quite frequently. He lost his family....the love of his life.....stopped taking care of himself....

He went to sleep this week....and didn't wake up. They said it was his diabetes.....but I saw this coming. I couldn't do anything....couldn't help him.....he gave up......

And oddly....I'm jealous. He doesn't have to feel....he doesn't have to hurt. I'm jealous.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."- T. S. Elliot

An update on therapy progress:
   Finally had a break through on the trusting him issue. I don't know that he understood it as that, but it was. He asked me to write down my history of significant events on a timeline of my life. Although doing it triggered me, I did the assignment.

Boy, was that session uncomfortable. I could barely stay in the present....the need to escape...dissociate...shut down....was unbearable....and I spent most of the session going in and out. My palms started sweating and then my fingers went numb....colors shimmered in and out of my vision, and I felt that pull.....go somewhere safe.....abandon ship. I don't remember much of that session....like there are blank spots within that memory rolodex in my brain....

And I haven't been able to focus quite right since.....the numbness is growing stronger. Like nothing is really real or worth it. I have been having nightmares....and sudden and overpowering flashbacks that dissolve me into a puddle of panic. I feel like darkness is taking over me.

I started using again. Scored some pot from an old acquaintance. Been an okay couple of days. It helps me to be able to feel. I had been so numb.....everything is electric when I'm high....like a warm yellow glow lighting the darkness inside.

I know I can't continue to cope this way....I have to look for a job at the end of the summer....And so the urge to cut becomes a last resort to stay afloat.....not to drown.... not to give up. This too concerns me. I caught myself looking up places online to buy surgical grade scalpel blades online the other day. I have gotten so good at putting off the cutting for last. Not keeping too many sharps on hand. Throwing them away when I'm done, so that I really have to "work for it" if I have to cut....need to cut.....Back in the day....when I cut daily.....I used scalpel blades.....and its really easy to cut to deeply with them.....but they are to most satisfying cuts.....clean....precise...... preferred method of destruction...

This week the T tells me he has to go do military duty again.....for two weeks......we just start digging down deep.....and he's leaving me to my own devices for two weeks....no one to talk to.....school is out of session until June 4th.....my daughter is at school all day.....I can't afford gas to get out of the house....it's like the world is closing in on me.....I'm so fucked.....

Friday, April 13, 2012

The need to bleed

I'm spiraling down. God, I hate this. It's like I'm trapped inside myself. I can't escape.

I have been obsessing on how to help my therapist get it. After last session, I feel like I need to make him understand. The way he talks to me....guilt trips me....it isn't working. I don't know how to help him get it. What its like to be tormented and know that the only way to find relief is to make myself bleed.

This week is so....fuzzy. Like I'm not really here; disconnected. Kind of like that feeling of driving and suddenly realizing you've driven 30 miles but don't remember any of them....oops, already used that analogy...

I came to sitting on the couch today. 2 hours had passed. I don't know where I was....somewhere in my head. Somewhere safe from myself? Only I can't function like that. I can't just space out when I feel like this. And so the cycle continues.

Cut to stay grounded. And I can feel it coming, like a surfer looking at the horizon waiting for the swell to reach her so she can ride it to the coast. I wish it was that normal. I know it's not.

Shame. Knowing it will happen. Knowing I will have to hide it. Knowing the fix is temporary.

I haven't bled my arms in years...much too conspicuous....but my mind is screaming for it. It lasts longer....feels right.....

Friday, April 6, 2012

"You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here...."

I'm back again.

I keep hoping that one day I will be able to come here and look back at what I have been through...and feel like I've come so far. That day is not today.

I have no fucking clue what I am doing.

So, what else is new?

Still in school. The light at the end of the tunnel....for a while, wasn't a train....and now I'm not so sure...I will still have to find a job, pass licensure, find a supervisor, get about 3,000 hours....so it's not a train...there is no light. Just a long dark tunnel and me without a spark to light my way.

Still seeing a therapist. Though, at this point it's just a matter of going through the motions. In case the powers that be find out my dirty little secrets, I can at least appease them and saying I'm doing everything I can. No insurance. Seeing a provisionally licensed guy for free. I would really like to trust him, but he's a former classmate, so....that's just too complicated.

He's solution focused. Not really effective with what I am dealing with. He doesn't seem to get that what I do, as dysfunctional as it may be, keeps me alive. It keeps the darkness at bay; my mind from shattering.

I wish I even knew how to make him understand. Wish I could allow him to feel what I feel. But I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I don't really understand why I am the way I am. I guess if I knew, then I could stop. Then I wouldn't be so screwed up.

I feel like I'm falling apart; barely keeping my shit together, and I can't tell him that. I don't know how he will react. How he will judge and what the consequences would be. It's gotten harder to not fuzz out. When I'm alone, it's like I'm not here. I space. I can't stay. It's getting harder not to do that in public. Kind of like when you're driving somewhere and come to the sudden realization that you don't remember driving the past 20 miles. Dissociation. Here, but not. Defense mechanism. Self-preservation, yet not functional. Abnormal. Crazy.

My coping method used to stop it. Helped me focus. Their effects wear off quickly. The internal dialogue is torturous. Tormenting.

Got back with the ex for about 6 months. We tried to make a little brother or sister for our kiddo. Miscarried in December. Had to go through that alone because the ex's dad went into a coma about the same time I found out I was preggers, and then died the same day I started miscarrying. I wish I'd died.

I'm finding my existence more and more unnecessary. I find fewer reason to keep up the farce.