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Monday, July 30, 2012

somewhere over the rainbow

The past week or so has been good. My class for the summer wrapped up, and with me earning a 98%! I was sure I was doomed to fail....as I had no real interest, but....what can I say, I can bullshit with the best of them apparently.

I'm still dating Bob. We had a pretty intense talk about our children/parenting issues....and when we should introduce each other to our children...we disagree on the time frame, but I'm not worried. Everything happens for a reason and it will happen when it's meant to...

Oh geez, I sound like some crazed, blind-faith bible thump-er....

He wants to wait for 6-12 months. I can respect that. We talked about his reasoning, and agreed that the time frame doesn't have to be the same for my child as his. I hate feeling like I'm hiding something from my kiddo.

So, I have a couple weeks off between semesters. I am still babysitting my niece through the week, and will hopefully be able to get to the lake and get some sun.

Life seems to be taking a turn for the better......I hope....

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown."--- H. P. Lovecraft

Feeling pretty blissful this morning....basking in the after glow of a night with Bob. I had a rough weekend. He caught a glimpse of me at my worst....and didn't run...instead he held me, offered support....He is too good for me.

Monday night, I found myself feeling.....numb...my inner turmoil post therapy session left my mind an inferno...I cut....

Last night, midst a rather passionate make-out session, I was hit with a sudden bout of nausea...it was sudden...like a wave of my body rejecting the idea that this could all be real....that perhaps there is someone out there that could possibly love me....unconditionally....my heart wants to accept this so badly....but it seems that it will have to win over my body, which seems to reject this possibility full force...

Bob discovered my self-inflicted injuries last night...I was filled with shame...retreated into myself...my thoughts beating me to a pulp: "Worthless"..."Shameful"..."Unworthy"...and he stayed by my side...kissed my wounds....showed no signs of judgement....told me he didn't want me to be afraid and hide this from him....I asked him that if there was the slightest chance that I would become too much for him at any point in the future, to just leave now.....and he replied that he isn't going anywhere....and....I believe him.

My heart feels content; full........I love him......and this still terrifies me.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Torn to pieces without any glue

I feel sick....physically....emotionally....I am a mess. I'm naseaous and spacey....and just want to stop it all. All the thoughts...my internal dialogue beating the hell out of me....I just want to stop it. I want to cut so badly...to ground myself...to release some of the pressure that is building up inside.

I don't know why I even try. I want to be with "Bob"...so badly.....he's everything I have ever wanted in a guy....last night went to dinner...then back to his house for some cuddling and a movie. I ended up staying over...we tried to be intimate...and I couldn't....

It's not that I didn't want to...God, I want him....and I'm not sure where things started going wrong. Probably with the fact that I was sober....I haven't been intimate with anyone sober in a very long time....only a few unsuccessful attempts since before my attack in "undergrad part one".....since that...I have these flashbacks....and panic attacks....out of no where....when I'm intimate with someone....I recall having them a couple times with my ex....he didn't get it.

Last night...I couldn't relax and enjoy....he wanted to pleasure me....and I got this panicky feeling in my gut....my whole body felt like it was shaking from the inside out. I started to have these quick flashes of that night....and I just couldn't....and I don't get it...because when I'm with him I feel so calm and complete....Then....we were kissing and getting rather passionate and he barely touched my neck....and I almost leaped out of bed. I felt like someone had sucked all the oxygen out of the air.

I spent the night...and we tried again in the morning....and I just couldn't....and I hate myself for it. What the hell is wrong with me? I want to be with him....I've never felt the way I feel about him for anyone....especially not as quickly....we are so much alike...kind of feels like he's my soul-mate....and I don't even believe in soul-mates! Some part of me knows he's the type of man I deserve in my life....that part of me just isn't very strong right now....

my thoughts are beating the hell out of me.....I'm so freaked/stressed about all of this that I am physically ill. And he says all the right things. He says we can take it slower....that he's not going anywhere....that he understands....And my head says he shouldn't have to....that I'm too damaged....that he deserves better....He told me he loved me....something I have had to keep myself from telling him for a while....and it breaks my heart....I don't deserve love. I can't even have sex without freaking out....I'm such a fuck up. I hate myself....I'm so angry at myself....I just want to give in.

I want to cut so badly....I want to release some of these feelings that are suffocating me.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Higgs boson

I'm beginning to make a habit of this.....suppose it will fit right in with all my other habits....

Things are still a scrambled mess inside my head. Talk with the guy I'm dating on the phone for like three hours last night. We started talking about religion...which is something I normally avoid at all costs....but it's important to him.

I know he wants a to be with someone he can share his spirituality with; someone to be with that he can share that part of him with as well. He takes pride in being reborn....he's asked me to think about going to church with him. We talked quite a bit about his church....and God....and his beliefs...

And I don't know what to do with that. Everything I feel for him is pressuring me to just go along, so that he is content....but I have such an estranged relationship with God....and my beliefs aren't exactly.....well....let's just say, if I was living in times of the early church I would have been burned at the stake. That's not to say that I identify as Wiccan, or any other organized religion for that matter....

And that's not to say that I haven't given organized Christianity a chance.....or two....or three....I just always ended up disappointed.....not only disappointed in other members....so call representatives of Christ.....but also in God himself.

It seems like every time I turn to God....he eventually lets me down. Over and over again....I've been hurt..hurt to the core....betrayed in every possible way...hurt so deeply that actual physical pain has become the one thing that can comfort me...aggrieved so much that I self destruct as a means for self-preservation.....for what purpose? Even when I was innocent....nothing more than an ignorant child......and even later when I chose to follow Him dispute my upbringing....I was devout on blind faith, having no parental guidance in the area of faith a spirituality.....even then this all-knowing, all powerful being was no where to be found....Perhaps this is where my "daddy issues" truly began.

How do I begin to make the guy I'm dating...let's call him Bob from here on out....How do I help Bob understand that I cannot fathom a God who is supposed to be merciful, and kind, and caring, and bring peace....How could he exist given what I have been through.....and then...I have turned to him...that because of my past ......that I don't love myself....and can't fathom how a God so wonderful could possibly love someone as shameful....broken....disgusting....as me. I am my past....I am this way because those things happened to me....and if I believe in the philosophies of Christianity...then he's abandoned me....or punishing me...I must have done something wrong to deserve this....because good things happen to good people, right? Another double-edge sword....if I believe in God then I'm unworthy....if I don't I'm still unworthy....

On another note....told the ex that I had started dating someone. He took it well. I was a little worried there for a minute....his eyes weld up with tears....but he smiled and hugged me and told me he was happy for me. I worry about hurting him. He lost his father in December....and really hasn't been right since. Has all, but lost interest in our daughter...but he won't go see anyone....won't talk to anyone about it....


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Double-edged sword

I couldn't find a quote to express how I'm feeling. I couldn't even find music lyrics....nothing fits, nothing can completely express the screwed up mess I am right now.

So...last post I mentioned that I'd started dating. And that....everything about it was confusing the hell out of me. Nothing about that situation has resolved.

Truth is....he's amazing. He's kind, responsible, caring, a great listener, accepting, a hard worker, a great father, attractive. I've told him everything. He knows more about me than anyone else in my world....and he still wants to be with me....and I don't get it.

He knows just about every skeleton in my closet...almost every torrid detail....and hasn't run for the hills. My past tells me, if it's too good to be true, it usually is. I have lived in survival mode for so long--always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Over the years, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst has become a memory, as hope had long since been forgotten. So....he just doesn't make sense in my world. I have no way to rationalize why he wants to be with me.

And how he makes me feel......the fact that I feel around him at all is pretty miraculous....having been so numb lately....but he makes me feel content....safe....beautiful..........and I think...even....happy. I haven't felt content....much less happy in so long...I'm not even sure if this is what it feels like.

So I have all these warm fuzzy feelings...yearning for him when we're not together so much, my body physically aches....and then there's my head....

Screaming at me to run....that it's not safe....that I'll just end up hurt...that none of it is real....beating me down for feeling....reminding me of all of my past....that to hope for something better is foolish....unrealistic....

To make this even more complicated...he says all the right things. Its like he is somehow reading my mind...he's unafraid to be vulnerable...though he says he's terrified...he's told me where he stands...how he feels about me...and though I feel the same way...to say it aloud...I choke. Putting myself out there....admitting that I'm falling for him hard....panics me at my very core. My mind tells me I don't deserve him. My past proves it.

We only met about two weeks ago....it doesn't make sense. I've never felt this way about someone so quickly...in fact....I don't think I've felt this way about anyone at all....

I don't know what to do, Bloggerland....I don't have a rational explanation for this man in my life...and everything he is...everything he makes me feel....I just can't wrap my mind around it all...and it's creating a dissonance within me...I feel like I'm being torn apart. I want to cry and laugh at the same time....I feel so sad....so terribly dark....and happy at the same time....and something has to break....I have to choose what I'm going to do...do I give in?....jump in head first?...or do I run away myself?

And even as I typed that....the thought of running away....breaks my heart. I don't want to hurt him....I don't want to never see him again....so what do I do with this double edged sword?

Monday, July 16, 2012

Take two.....make that three...

So, a quick....okay maybe not quick....update on life in crazyville:

My therapist quit. At our last session he said his supervisor wanted me to get on medication to help with the depression. I told him no, that I have had horrible experiences with meds; that I experienced side effects worse than the depression; that I'm a single mom and don't have the support around me to help monitor symptoms. I gave him a list of all the meds that I've ever been prescribed for depression and anxiety. He told me his supervisor wanted to sit in on our next session. I told him no; told him that I didn't trust in her ability to not use the information she would learn about me against me in my professional life; that I hadn't heard good things about her as a teacher or a therapist; that she wasn't fooling me into thinking sitting in was about my well being and what's good for me, but about covering her own ass. He said he would go to bat for me. Didn't want to quit working together. It had been a month since I'd heard from him, so I text him asking him what was going on. He called back saying his supervisor said he couldn't work with me because I won't let her sit in.

in the time between contacts with my T......I started dating someone else.

Well. I didn't immediately start dating. I have been on a dating website for a while...I think I joined it when I was living in Isolationsville. Anyhow. After everything with my ex kind of just faded, I started replying to some guys on the dating site. One guy was particularly interesting and we clicked...we messaged on the site for a bit, then exchanged phone numbers and sent texts back a forth for a week. Then we started talking on the phone....and that first phone call was three hours long...We have so much in common, it's just scary. We went on our first date a little over a week ago, and have spent time either or talked on the phone....or exchanged texts everyday....

Being with him is.....wonderful....and it's weird and scary too. Mostly because of my fucked up head. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop....for something to go wrong.

......But when I'm with him; when I talk to him, it's like talking to a best friend....like I have known him for years. I even told him about my emotional baggage....depression and anxiety; about how OCD I get about things....and even about my self-injury and being in therapy....and he's "not scared off." We've talked about damn near everything....taboo and not....a small part of me testing him, I think.....

He tells me I'm beautiful...or calls me gorgeous.....and he says likes how independent I am.....and I don't think he likes me just because of what's on the outside....he says he really likes me....and....I almost believe him. I think a part of me even wants to...but....my negative internal dialogue is seriously getting to me...tearing...wearing me down....

Yet, strangely....I haven't wanted to cut since I met him.....not even a inkling of an urge....I've thought about it...but I don't want to...I have, however been high just about every day in the past month though...not necessarily when I'm with him...but....maybe that's why I'm so honest with him? Maybe that's why I'm so interesting to him?....interested by him?

But when I'm in his arms..I feel....different...I feel.....I don't know just yet what I feel....but it's different.....in a good way....but in a way that makes me hopeful...and yet scared to get my hopes up only to be shattered.

On another note, I am seeing a new T. A non-student intern, who works at the free clinic that I did my practicum at. Today was the first session...it was awkward...and weird....I am still angry and feel abandoned by my last T....I hate the thought of starting over.....I just started trusting him...and look where that got me....

She did say she understood what it was like to want to die....even not actively.....that kind of gives me hope.........that word again: hope......it makes me uncomfortable....