"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -A. Einstein

I'm tired of being insane.

Last night my dad called to wish me a happy birthday. He then handed the phone over to my step-monster who told me that they were doing T-giving at their house today. I told her I was sick (I have been ill for three days now....yay flu season!) and didn't want to expose the old people to whatever I have. I also told her that I had already made plans to go out to a movie with my daughter, her dad, and his mom. (We play happy family now and again for the kiddo's sake....and to be honest, it feels good....how sad is that?!). I told her we would probably not make it. Granted, I could have gone....I could have broken my plans that I was looking forward to. I could have gone and shared the wealth of whatever bug I have. To be honest, I really didn't want to go. I don't trust my step mom or her lap dog, spoiled brat of a daughter. Her other daughter and I get along well (she's the one who has my nieces), but she isn't much support when her mom is around. Anyway. The step-monster sounded pleasant enough over the phone. She was really nice.....I should have known better. We hung up. I thought I had made myself clear. I had played nice. Didn't tell her to go to hell. Didn't tell her I don't like being down there because I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and can't let my guard down and just relax. Maybe I should have told her how I feel. I think it would have had the same result...

So today I woke up feeling worse than ever, with a fever to boot. (It hasn't broken yet.) Went to the urgent care, as nothing else is open on a Sunday. Waited for 4 hours. Got some antibiotics. Went out to eat....(well...I mostly stared at the plate....) and went to a movie. The day flew by. I didn't even think about having missed t-giving dinner. I had a good day. Until I got home.

I checked my phone, which was still silenced from having gone to the movies and I had received a message from my step sister...the one I don't like much:

"Just to let u know, u had a bday card and a cake with ur name on it from ur dad tonight."

I told her I had talked to them last night and told her mom I wasn't coming. I told her I forgot to call and remind them. Told her about going to the doc, being sick, and already having plans.

Her response:
"Well, u should prolly tell ur dad that. Not me

I called. The step-monster answered. She seemed pleasant. I apologised for not calling. Told her about my day. She passed the phone to dad. He seemed a little hurt, and as usual, didn't want to be on the phone (he hates phones, I think he thinks they bite.). So I get off the phone.

I text her back that I had just called. Told her not to worry about me. I'm grown. That I didn't think anyone wanted me down there being sick and sharing. That I had already made plans anyhow. I told her that I had already told this to her mom yesterday and that I was sorry that I missed it.

She responded that I "didn't need to get smart" and that "U know I'll put u in ur place" (I really did LOL over this one!) She said I needed to stop all this kiddy shit with my dad when he's trying to make everything alright with everyone. (no clue what she's talking about here...it's not about my dad, it's about her mom!) Then she told me that I "wouldn't know that b/c I don't need help moving or fixing anything right now." (My step-monster has been trying for years to get my dad to believe....and unfortunately somewhat successfully I fear, that I only come around when I need something. Let's just forget the fact that the lap-dog got her car paid for, college paid for, housing paid for, etc, etc...oh and I'm the one who stupidly agreed to give them the last year of my life in the hopes of helping them, getting in the step-monster's good graces, and being closer to my dad....boy did that back fire!)

I kind of got ugly after that:

"If there's bad blood between me and anyone, it's news to me! I thought H was doing the holiday @ her house on Friday, but never heard anymore about it. I talked to BOTH of our parents last night just fine. If someone is acting all butt hurt that's their deal but they need to say it to my face instead of talking to you about it. I'm not trying to start shit, you started it by assuming that me not coming today meant something that it didn't. Please forgive me for being sick and already having plans!"

She went on to say that she didn't "give a shit" if I was there or not. That I'd hurt dad's feelings and she was the only one who was going to say something about the "way I treat ppl."

I pointed out all the ways that I have helped my family in the last year: Helping my sister when she wanted to get out; I watched the girls. I helped take care of the old people (til I couldn't take it any more). I helped her mom spy on my dad when he was cheating (still regret helping her on that one...at least he was with someone who made him happy, my bad!). I bought groceries for them on several occasions....one time like $150 worth of meat because step-monster told me how much they spend in groceries since the old people moved in and was worried about it. I just paid a $300 utility bill (of which only $157 was mine, the rest in late fees and deposits) because gpa had lost the bill messing in the mail....AGAIN! That wasn't even the first time I'd paid their deposit and late fees because gpa took and lost the bill. I had even offered to pay "back rent" (whatever the step-monster thought she was "due" for letting me and her granddaughter stay in that cockroach and mold infested place they call a rental (of which in the whole year I was there they didn't rent out the other apt. once because it was so filthy), my dad told me not to worry about that though. I told her I didn't get how I was the bad guy. I told her this was silly.

She didn't respond.

So why do I feel so worthless? I want a relationship with my dad, but I can't handle the shit stirring crap his family is into. I sit here finding ways to justify why "they" think I'm such a bad person. I try to be a good, kind, caring, giving person. I must not be doing a very good job, huh...

I don't know what to do. I love my dad. I shouldn't have to compete with his wife. I was here first. He says she makes him happy, and I want that. I want him to be happy. Unfortunately what makes him happy makes me miserable....uncomfortable....anxious...so I back away. I let them be. I have only talked to him like three times since I moved in August. When I do I always make sure to tell him I love him..... and I do! I just have to love myself once in a while too. And I can't handle their drama anymore.

How is it that some people can be so comfortable being selfish? I want to be like that. All I feel is guilty. I shouldn't feel guilty for taking care of myself. I shouldn't feel guilty making sure I'm okay. But somehow, someone always makes me feel like a selfish bitch for saying no.

Maybe my therapist's right. I need assertiveness....I just hope that comes with a super-sized cup of "Fuck it" and a side of "I'm worth it"

Session Three

I feel numb.....empty.....

I think I may be overwhelming my therapist. He admitted that, while he thinks he can help, he doesn't know where to start.....all I hear is "you're too fucked up, and can't be helped." I broke down. I cried. I hate myself for it. I want to cut so bad. I hate this feeling of so much emotion that I start to space out and feel nothing. I need to clear my head...process things....but my head wants to shut down.

He suggested we start with assertiveness training.

He suggested books, so I ordered them when I got home.

He didn't mention the "what do you want out of therapy?" question. I am kind of upset. I actually made a list. But starting somewhere is better than having no direction, so I will go with it.

After I broke down in tears, I started to shut down. I wanted to run to the bathroom, make myself feel something. That's when he suggested the books. I don't know if he noticed the change in affect. I hope he didn't interpret it as ambivalence toward the book idea. While it is true the idea of reading and discussing self-help books in therapy is new to me.....I'm okay with it I suppose. (I am really hoping that he's not suggesting it out of last resort...).....I was just trying to focus on the fact that he was talking and I was supposed to be responding. I was spacing out so bad.....

The crying. Breaking down in front of a stranger. Really triggered me. When I decided I needed therapy I accepted the fact the I was going to have deal with being uncomfortable and sharing with a perfect stranger. It was a risk that didn't outweigh the benefits. I certainly didn't expect it to make me come unglued.

I am exhausted. I want to sit, stare blankly into nothingness and retreat into myself. I have another appointment in a couple of weeks. Hopefully I will have gotten the books and had a chance to read a bit.

Session Two

So, I went to my second session with said new therapist.

It was about the same as the first. Don't really think we made much progress....though, I understand this is the point in the therapeutic relationship where you build rapport, I just seems aimless...

Again he asked what I would like out of therapy.

I told him, I don't know. If I had the answers, I wouldn't be in therapy. I'm an intelligent, insightful person. I know that my issues now have to do with my past. I can see that, I understand the connection, but that doesn't help me move forward.

I told him again that I would like to like myself more. He didn't hear me....or that wasn't what he wanted to hear. Something about the way he dismissed that statement makes me think he has an agenda.....or that could just be my trust issues talking....

We talked about my social phobia. How it's spiraling into agoraphobia....I can see that. So lets address that?!?!

We talked about my trust issues....my self-esteem issues....all being tied to past trauma and family issues....DUH!! So let's address that?!?!?

It's weird. I like the guy and all. He's very instinctive....good at hitting the nail on the head without a microscope....but let's get on with it!

He suggested I see someone for meds. He thinks my anxiety has caused the depression. I can see that. My anxiety has cause my social isolation...which feeds into the whole self-depreciating internal dialogue regarding my worth....makes sense. But I'm terrified to admit to him that I'm scared that if I do take meds they will A: make me suicidal (happened before, almost succeeded!) or B: I will become dependant on them or abuse them furthering my downward spiral. Quick fixes (like meds) is why I got to the point in wanting therapy....needing therapy, in the first place!!

So what do I really want from therapy?

1. I want to trust
2. I want to like myself
3. I want to stop hurting myself in ALL ways
4. I want to feel worthy
5. I want to see the future as something positive--> NO MORE hoping for the best, waiting for the worst
6. I want to be happy
7. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin

Is that too much to want? Do you think he will get it? Should I just print this and take it in?

Session One

So I had my first session in almost seven years with a therapist.

I don't even know where to start.

I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin before I got to the door.....my heart was pounding...I did that stupid defensive "passive giggle" every three seconds....and tried to make light of my sordid past.....I couldn't allow myself to feel....I'm too scared....I don't think I could handle it....I have too much at stake.....

He asked some questions I couldn't think straight enough to answer on the spot.

He asked me what made me decide to come to counseling now....

I explained the insurance issue....that wasn't what he was looking for. What's stupid is I know what he was looking for, but I couldn't say it. I couldn't make myself....I couldn't put myself out there like that....I don't trust easily....and I didn't really know what my role was there....I was caught between future therapist...so I should have some decorum of self control and insight.....and just letting it all hang out and melting into a little puddle begging him to just fix me, which I of course know he can't do....

So what made me want to go to therapy?

I'm falling apart from the inside out. I know where this path leads and I don't want to go there. I don't want to want to self-destruct. And I feel it coming. How do you say this to a therapist....a future colleague (not that I could ever come close to being at this guys level....I was very impressed...needless to say...because I'm seeing him again next week).....how do you say this without sounding despirate....hopeless...how do you say it an maintain "face"?

Another thing he asked was what can we work on...as in where do we start??

All I could say was...."I just don't really like myself right now".....which is completely true....and I'm glad I didn't have to explain....but I know it coming....

I did tell him about SI-ing....about being depressed...about my anxiety.....just discussing it....was hard....it made me think about how illogical it is that one could be both depressed (and lowered state of arousal) and anxious (a heightened state of arousal) all in the same body, space, time, etc....but I am...

He didn't freak out about the SI thing....he seemed really insightful....which is a nice change from previous therapeutic experiences....

He asked a lot about my past history which was over whelming....I realize on the way home I forgot to tell him about my counseling at TSU....which one would think would be something I wouldn't forget....it was one of the better experiences, as far as counseling goes.....but also...the trauma from TSU is still too close to home....I have only told one other person about it....and it wasn't my counselor then....it wasn't until last year I think that I told someone about it....

Once he opens that door, I'm afraid I won't be able to shut it, and I'm not stable enough to do that right now. It was bad enough discussing the abuse in my childhood....having those memories flood my conscious mind while trying to maintain composure and focus....I noticed myself trying to side track...say things that didn't have much to do with anything....

I don't know how he's not confused...I am....trying to pin down dates....or at least time frames to things that I have banished from my mind isn't easy....which meds. I took when, how old I was when what abuse happened....

So, what do I want help with?

I just want to be happy. I look at my life and I know that I'm missing something. I have few friends...none that know me...the real me....I haven't had a relationship with someone of the opposite sex in four years....yet alone a sexual one....I don't want to hurt anymore....I don't want to want to hurt myself. I don't want to feel like that the only thing holding me together. I want to feel like my life isn't a struggle just to get to the next day....I want to be proud of my opinions, my life, how far I've come and where I'm going....but I don't. I feel less....just less....like nothing I do is good enough.....for who, I don't know....no one knows the struggles, I've made myself invisible....but I still feel like I'm not good enough.....like I'm carrying around .my weight in shame....and I don't want to drown, but the current is pulling me under.

the pit of my stomach....

Went to a meeting about practicum tonight. I don't think I'm going to be able to do it.....so not great.....I don't think I'm going to be able to start this spring like I had planned. Now that I have a full time job and insurance....I can't afford to let those things go. Practicum would mean 7+ more hours per week of work in another setting (a clinical one with clients). I can barely afford daycare now, yet alone, evening care. I would be looking at working roughly 8-5 at my current job plus doing practicum hours after that. I just can't see doing that to my child....being away from her more than I am....and I am a single mom, so it's not like I have anyone I can depend on....

My anxiety is out of control over this realization. I really don't know what to do. Eventually I will have to give up my job....but I will need part-time employment....or at least more flexible hours, which I don't have the luxury of at the current position....

I need sleep....I need release....

Dread

So I have finally found a therapist....I think I have....I haven't met him yet....not really keen on seeing a dude, but whatever. He is taking new patients...

I e-mailed him and he called me back the next day. I got my insurance cards finally. As of Monday I will be fully insured...but who knows if they will authorize a mental health visit.

I described to him my anxiety....leaving "little" details out....more of a summary than the nitty-gritty. If he works out, I'm sure I will trust him enough to tell him all my dirty little secrets.

My anxiety is rolling. Taking over. I fear getting in to the parking lot for my first visit and chickening out. I fear him opening the door and me having a panic attack right then and there. I fear he will feel he cannot help me. I fear this whole experience and all the unknowable that goes along with it.

"Life can only be understood backward..." ---Soren Kierlegaard

Just checking in with blogger land.

This week was hell in a handbasket two sizes too small. Started it off with kidney stones, then hyperextended my knee, and finished the week off with two days of puking....all on top of overwhelming anxiety and ever-deepening depression. Anyone care to join me in saying, this officially sucks?

One more week until I have insurance, but I haven't gotten my cards in the mail, so my mind if racing over that. What if they didn't file the paper work? What if they lost it? Will I have to wait another two months? Will I make it through the stress of the holidays without losing it? I am cutting three times a week at least, just to keep a level head....just to be able to function....I can't wait another two months...I just can't....

"The truth about childhood is stored up in our body and lives in the depth of our soul. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings can be numbed and manipulated, our perception shamed and confused, our bodies tricked with medications. But our soul never forgets."

--Alice Miller, Swiss psychologist

.....pathetic......

Took the day off today. We'll call it a mental health day....but I'm not so sure it helped....I just needed a little more healing time, really....

I went to class tonight. We had a midterm.....easy.....

Found out that I aced my midterm last week. Surprised by that as I have not read the book, nor did I study....its so strange to me that while the rest of me--my self esteem, self image, emotional well-being---is going down the tube, my academic life isn't....and it's not like I try.

That's the way it has always been though....I shouldn't be surprised....back in college "part one"....I was completely and totally suicidal and my GPA was as good as it had ever been....all I did was show up...take the tests....write the papers hours before they were due....and my grades never faltered....weird....

Felt a bit nostalgic tonight. Trying to remember a time where I didn't feel completely alone....didn't feel like I had the weight of the world on my chest crushing me.....ironically....I was in therapy....at college "part one"....through their psych services. I had a really great counselor. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I could tell all without judgement, but rather with genuine acceptance and understanding.

So...I found him on FB....and said hi and thanked him. I didn't let on that I'm circling the drain once again....compared to back then, when he knew me, my life is much more normal....I'm not out drinking every night...I'm not doing every drug in sight....I'm not looking for love in all the wrong places...on the outside, things have changed so much....but inside....I'm still f*!$ed up..

I wanted so bad to reach out to him. Ask if he could recommend someone. Let him know that I needed help again. Instead, I bragged on the fact that I am in grad school....going into counseling...

Sitting here, I could almost cry....am about to cry.....but I must not....my child is still awake...I don't want to worry her....I cannot do that to her....

I am about to implode....I need to relieve the pressure....I need....I've given up with trying to resist....it serves its purpose....

I miss being understood....I miss trusting someone.....

10-10-10

Hopeless

Alone

Voiceless

Lonely

Unheard

Empty

Take your pick....this is where I'm at right now. I have completely and totally relapsed....there is no denying it now....the best I can try to do is hide it until I find a safe place....

My head is in overdrive....Nothing I ate today stayed down....I'm swimming in a nauseous panic....I have lost control.....

I have to eat OTC sleeping meds. like candy just to get to sleep, but they make my worst fears come to life in my head. Sleep is no refuge....I have no refuge....

Work again tomorrow....the show begins all over again....pretty smile, painted face, perfect coiffure....

no name, no face, no title

I am sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't felt like doing anything lately. I feel like I'm just being sucked into nothingness. I feel like a shell of myself. And I have been having the most wretched dreams. I have "the dream" about every night, but also others....very vivid...almost always about my illness.....if that's what you can call it.

I want to seek help, I know I need to seek it, but I am completely terrified of people in my life finding out. I have worked so hard....putting what little energy I have into "appearances"....they think of me what I want them to think....they think I am the person I only wish I was. I have finally found success at something...and while it makes me happy in the moment....I'm never truly happy.

The countdown until my insurance has kicked in. I will try to find a therapist....I will try to actually go to the appointment....but my anxiety is so bad....just thinking about sitting in an awkward lobby waiting for them to call my name....knowing that everyone there knows why I'm there....It makes my palms sweat and heart race.....and then there's the fear that the counselor won't get it....that they will have no experience.....not understand my illness....and will try and commit me...

Technically they could....based on the external....without knowledge of the illness they may assume I'm suicidal....I can't afford that to happen....financially or emotionally...that would destroy me....

Of course....I don't have to tell them about it...

I don't know what to do.....or even how to bring it up....I don't know.....and I hate not knowing....

On another note, I have to create a researched brochure about an illness for class....I think I may have mentioned it....well...settled on the topic: Self harm....and I'm terrified that someone in my program will put two and two together. The plus is that I don't have to present until winter, so long sleeves won't be so awkward....and no one really knows me in class....except that "one girl"....you know the one who thinks she knows it all about everything....yeah, she's in my class too. YAY! :(

She was being rather nice to me until last week when her and the girl sitting next to her (ironically I sit on the other side of that girl....again...YAY! *:(*) started passing notes....I was definitely a topic...and she spelled my name wrong...I wish I'd had the balls to tell her, "Oh passing notes! How retro of you! But my name has a "U" in it, thanks."

Friends

I have come to a sudden, and completely depressing, realization that I have no friends.

I have people who call me their friend. I have people who I would walk to the ends of the earth for.....but here I am sitting by myself, my mind a mess....just wanting the compansionship.....presence......of someone....anyone....so that I'm not alone with myself....and there is no one I can call.

I went to see one friend yesterday. Ran an errand for her because she is mostly bed ridden, and can't drive most days because of the pain she is in constantly.

Another person I consider a friend....she hasn't really been up for much of anything in a while....I know she's depressed....our other mutual friends know she's depressed....but she's in complete denial....but who am I to judge...she "has a migraine" or "is broke" whenever anyone wants to do anything.

Another friend....the one that I mentioned was victim to rape....she is permanently glued to her boyfriends hip....there's only so much "third tit" action I can handle.....I think I miss her the most though....

My sister...who lives just down the street is the same way....but I'm sure as soon as he leaves her....and we all know he will....I will be the first person she calls....gratefully so....but also....disappointingly so.....

I could understand having no one if anyone knew....anything....about what I'm going through....but they don't. I'm very good at hiding my condition. No one has a clue. I'm the dependable one....the one they can count on. When we go out I'm the uninhibited one....not afraid to make a fool of myself (granted, with the help of a little liquid courage...but I'm too much of a control freak to get flat out wasted in public) just to give others a good laugh. WTF!? Why am I suddenly so alone??


So....I have no one....and right now that is not the best realization. My heart has been pounding out of my chest all day. I feel like a weepy mess....I just want to do something....anything to get my mind.....on something else.....or....to just turn off.....

Fruitful

This weekend was decent. I got my eyes checked out. Laundry finished. House mostly cleaned....

OH! Did I mention that I was offered, and accepted, and full-time position with the non-profit agency that I have been temping for?!?!?

Insurance here I come.....starting....November 1st....**sigh**

I guess then is better than never....just need to keep it together....and make sure that my co-workers remain clueless as to how bad it really is.....until then.

Don't get me wrong, it's nice to know that I will have some sort of stability in income, and I really like the job. It just seems like I never know when things will hit the fan....I never know when things go awry until they are in full downward spiral. It's not a lack of self insight, just denial....I suppose.

Classes are going well. Not so triggering this semester. Pretty scientific....if psychology can ever truely be considered that...Human Development is kind of boring, but I really like Diagnostics.

fuck, Fuck, FUCK!

I bought a new set of matresses today....been sleeping on the couch for a year....and I can't sleep!!!

My mind won't shut off. My body is screaming for rest, but my head won't shut up! Every possible senario and evert possible outcome of every decision that I made today is running though my head.....shut up, Shut up, SHUT UP!!!!!

It won't stop. I want so badly to enjoy my new bed.....new sheets....sleep as it storms outside...but my thoughts won't stop. I can't take this anymore.

Fear

No work today. Something about that is relieving. I really love what I do, but lord did I need a breather.

I get my refund check today, so I will be able to get a head on some bills. I may even be able to buy a bed....the couch is doing nothing for my insomnia.

I got a call back for a second interview. The prospects of having reliable income and....*shock, horror!*..... insurance!!! The first thing I'm going to do if I get this job.......find a shrink!

@#$%!!!!!

I have been looking online for a therapist in the area that does DBT.....it's about the only type of therapy that I have heard of that has any luck treating self-injurious behavior. I have had no luck. I went on buslist....(a SI support chatroom) to see if anyone has any ideas and they suggested that I e-mail someone in my program....

I did.

Now I'm dealing with the anxiety....the asshole voice in my head....and a naseating urge to self-destruct......I'm not actually sure if the nausea is from the urge or trying to resist.....I suspect the latter. I feel like such an idiot!!!

What's worse, in the move, I have misplaced.....or perhaps accidentally threw away?....my sharps....I just spent an hour riffling through boxes like a psycho looking for them....I really need release.....

First thing after work....I need to hit wally world.

Herr hilf!

Friday at work I about had a panic attack in front of everyone.

The company that I work for has a mental health worker that comes around about once a month the all the sites just to "check in" on everyone. When I realize she's around I do my best to disappear, but Friday she caught me with my guard down and just her being around....observing....was enough to send me over the edge. As much as I want to ask for her assistance in finding some help, I can't help but think that would mark me as weak or unfit for my job. With my standings with the company already up in the air because my position was meant to be temporary, I cannot afford this.

This weekend has been.....well....it has been....it came and went...like any other. I took care of my nieces this weekend. My sister just had my youngest niece a little over a week ago and is having a hard go at it. She is completely overwhelmed and is having separation anxiety, not from her children, but from her husband. My sweet nieces stayed a night with me, so that she and he could spend some time together. The newest is such a good baby. It makes me want another, but I know in the condition I am in I cannot handle more stress. It wouldn't be fair.

I am still missing one of my textbooks for school. The school book store didn't end up getting it in stock, so I had to order it online, which according to half.com...will take about 14 days to arrive....FML!! Hopefully the teacher won't catch on that the answers to my homework sound more like wikipedia than scholarly.....

In my other class, we have to write brochures on a disorder found in the DSM-IV TR....I know what I would prefer to do.....self-injury....but not sure I have the balls....nor is it actually a disorder....not according to the DSM gurus anyway.....the only mention of self-injury.....or "mutilation", as they call it....is in the criteria for the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.....which kind of pisses me off....thankfully the new DSM will have a separate diagnostic diagnosis that more accurately describes and helps professionals treat those that self-harm.....unfortunately it isn't due to be published until May of 2013.....

Body Rebellion

I haven't been getting much sleep. My sister just had a baby, another is pregnant, I just moved, my employment is up in the air.....there is just too much going on that even though I am exhausted to the core, my mind won't let me have a peaceful nights slumber.

My body has finally had enough. On top of the eye twitch that has been going on for over 2 weeks now, I fainted at work today--a completely new and unique experience that I may now cross off my bucket list of things I don't want to do before I die.

I was tucking in kiddies during nap time. I settled in a couple of cherubs and stood up to go help some others and suddenly I found myself on my back in the middle of the dramatic play area. I don't even remember falling. When I stood up things kind of slid sideways and I was down and confused. I banged the crap out of my head on the toy washer and dryer to boot! I have been an anxious mess...analyzing what happened...what went wrong....what's going on....since....on top of the usual anxious analysis of life, of course...

I just sat through an entire class (Adv. human development, for those of you playing the "how far is she in her degree program" home game) like a zombie. I completely recoiled into myself. I hid in my hair and spaced. It's times like these I'm glad that I don't talk in class...no one has that expectation....so no one was the wiser...

Another anxiety inducing issue going on right now is that one of my good friends was raped by another of my (now former) friends, who are both in the same degree program that I am in. I'm trying to help the first cope and deal instead of run away. She is also a cutter and deals with a lot of the same anxiety and self-esteem issues I do, so I really care about her well-being because we have bonded over our illness and experience.

Unfortunately, she has temporarily dropped out of the program. Leaving me to fend through the whole becoming a counselor process and having to face issues triggered by class topics alone. And even though, I know she is doing what she needs to do to cope right now....and I am totally supportive of her decisions and am there for her whenever, for whatever.....I am, as always, left feeling like....what about me?

I don't mean this in the selfish way that it sounds....I'm just finding my grasp of sanity slowly....and yet more quickly everyday.....slipping....and as usual....there is no one there to catch me if.....when.... I fall. And I don't know how to ask someone without them writing me off as weak...frail...fragile....I can't explain what I'm experiencing in a way that won't stigmatize me.....

I just need release. I need something that will help me until I can find a therapist that will take me on pro bono or get insurance....though I'm not holding my breath on either one. I don't want to fight this anymore. I feel on the verge of tears for no real reason other than I think I'm losing my mind....and rather than give into that feeling....losing control...possibly never to reattain it again.....I would rather cut.

"You can't say that civilization don't advance....in every war they kill you in a new way" ---Will Rogers

I have finally escaped the black hole in the middle of nowhere and am settling into my new digs in civilization. Oh how I missed you 3am sirens chasing hoodlums down the street. Oh how I missed you asshole drivers who can't use a blinker! I actually missed these things.....you'd think that everything would right itself again.....not so much.....

My anxiety is rising to an almost unbearable point. I had thought it would be solved by the move. Moving back to my support network; moving back to where I have more resources, more possibilities, but that hasn't been the case. In fact my body is screaming out at me to do something....anything to alleviate it's stress.

I have had tic for almost two weeks now. So weird to experience--frustrating and uncontrollable, which is terrifying because one of my biggest anxiety issues is not having control....and now my own body is rebelling.

I have that sinking feeling in my gut that almost swallowed me six years ago. I am sliding down that slippery slope once again. I just hope that I don't take anyone else down with me.

I think about cutting almost every second of everyday. I haven't since the last episode that I shared on here. I'm too scared that my secret will be found out. That I will be judged. That I will loose face. The more I fight the urge the more I have the urge to do something self-destructive--drugs, drink, binge, purge........something---ANYTHING, to relieve the sinking, the pressure, the need for control.

MMPI-2 results....FAIL!

Okay, so the one really cool/curious thing that I got out of class this summer was to get the pleasure/annoyance of taking the MMPI-2. For anyone that has never heard of it, you can learn more here: http://psychcorp.pearsonassessments.com/HAIWEB/Cultures/en-us/Productdetail.htm?Pid=MMPI-2

Basically it's a personality assessment that was normed for clinical populations (think live-in mental health facilities). I thought I would post the scales that were either higher than normal or lower than normal. Anyone wanna take a stab at interpreting my results??

Validity scale:
Fb: 83
L: 33 (below average)
S: 34 (below average)

Clinical scales:
D: 70
Pd: 81
Mf: 47 (below average)
Pt: 72
Sc: 72
Ma: 65
Si: 66

Content scales:
Anx: 76
Frs: 43 (below average)
Dep: 73
Ang: 68
Sod: 72
Fam: 68
Wrk: 65
Trt: 69

Supplementary scales:
Es: 39 (below average)
Do: 42 (below average)
Re: 41 (below average)
Mt: 74
PK: 67
MDS: 68
O-H: 37 (below average)
AAS: 73
GM: 43 (below average)

PSY-5 scales:
AGGR: 44 (below average)
NEGE: 68

Harris-Lingoes Subscales (gender normed):

Subjective Depression (D1): 75
Mental Dullness (D4): 70
Brooding (D5): 68

Familial Discord (Pd1): 80
Social Alienation (Pd4): 65
Self-Alienation (Pd5): 68

Social Alientaion (Sc1): 65

Psychomotor Acceleration (Ma2): 65

Social Introversion Subscales (gender normed):

Social Avoidance (Si2): 69

Content Component Scales (gender normed):

Lack of drive (DEP1): 70
Dysphoria (DEP2): 66
Self-Depreciation (DEP3): 75
Suicidal Ideation (DEP4): 93

Irritability (ANG2): 65

Self-Doubt (LSE1): 66

Introversion (SOD1): 70
Shyness (SOD2): 65

Familial Alienation (FAM2): 68

Inability to Disclose (TRT2): 68

Sinking feeling....

I feel like I'm in the midst of a panic attack. I'm so ready to move back to civilization and get the hell away from my step family and their abuse. I keep getting this feeling in my gut that I'm going to come home after work one day to find that she's burned down my house, changed the locks, or sold all my things.

It seems that now that I'm no longer doing what the step mother wants, I'm of no use to her and I'm back to being a second-class citizen. I wanted so badly to believe that step mom really wanted a relationship. I was so ready to believe that the only reason she treated me like shit for...well...the entire time I have known her, was because she was upset that my dad was cheating on her. I was so ready to forgive and try not to hold it against her; move forward.

I don't know what hurts more: the fact that I really wanted her to accept me like my father has accepted her children, or the fact that I, once again, allowed myself to get used, and now I look...and feel like the bad guy, even though I know I'm did what was best for me and mine; I put myself out there to help someone--family--and now that I need someone on my side, someone to comfort, help, listen to, and have my back, I'm left out in the cold.

And all I want is for my dad to tell her to back off, get her head on straight, leave me the hell alone, point out the fact that he has helped raise her children and this is the first time I've ever asked or needed their help, or stand up to her in anyway. I mean, I have lost a lot of respect for him this last year, with finding out that he's been cheating on her for the last 10-odd years. He hurt everyone doing that. But she's been putting him through hell all year. Either get help putting the marriage back together...which I'm not sure there ever was a marriage....or just leave her.

I'm to the point that once I get move, I really don't want anything to do with this mess anymore. I mean, I love my dad. Sadly, I really do, but if this is how he wants to live, that is his decision. I don't want any part of it. I am tired of trying to build a bridge only to have his psycho wife throw cannonballs at it every time she feels insecure. Fuck 'em. They can have each other. He doesn't understand how much it hurt me to say it, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm always the one to get sidelined or hurt when he can't take care of his business. I'm always number 2...or 3....or 4....or 5....I've never been even remotely at the top of his priority list. And it's probably better to cut my losses now, because I don't think I could handle it if he ends up dying before that woman. I know he's never thought about it, but I would have nothing but bad memories to remember him by if that happens...not a cowboy hat, jacket, nothing. She would make sure of that. I think it's better to erase him from my mind and my daughter's now; start building wall instead of bridges.

Fuck Family....at least this side

Yes, blogger world, I am still alive and kicking....notice how I didn't say sane.

I decided to take summer courses, and have been kicking my own ass all summer for that stupid, stupid, STUPID decision. I did my undergrad work in 8 week courses, so I thought, what the hell, right? WRONG!

They end on Wednesday. I will have to fill you in on my summer adventure later because I have another, more pressing rant and rave right now.

FUCK MY FAMILY!!! or more particularly....my evil step mother.

I stopped caring for step grandma and grandpa in January. I moved to nowheresville to help them out. I ruined my car to help them out. They didn't pay me for the first two months I worked for them, didn't pay me for the last month I worked for them. When they did pay me, it wasn't even minimun wage and I was working like 50-60 hours a week. Not to mention they moved me into one of their rental properties, where I spent about a grand making it liveable, and there is still a leak in the roof that has created mold that is taking over one of the rooms!!!

So I go out to the parent's house last night for "family dinner" and she jumped my ass about having stopped paying rent in March!

Okay, call me crazy....don't worry I have called myself that many, many times so you won't offend....but not only do they owe ME money, but I'm their fucking daughter who relocated for THEM. I have been a complete nervous, depressed messed since I moved away from my friend and support network. I am still catching up on bills from the months they short changed me, AND I had to buy a new (12 year old) car this month because I ruined mine this winter driving out to the middle of BFE through the snow drifts to watch the old ones, so that she could make it to work. Not to mention the fact that they paid for BOTH of my step-sisters college education and living expenses. Do I owe her??

It happens in threes

Can I please catch a break?!?!?

Friday on my way to work in civilization my car engine decided to self destruct. I bought the car for a little under $2,500 used last March and have babied it all year. It was the first car I haven't had help of any kind in finding and/or buying.....and it died. AND.....A new motor is about $3,000....

I have a refund check coming, so I will have the money, but do I go ahead and buy a new engine or get a different used car?? I can't seem to find the later....and my guy friend who advises me on my car doesn't want me to spend the money on my baby....so I have no clue what to do. But I have to have a car or I can't work.....

I'm currently using my little brother's old beater....no AC....no cruise control....threatens to realign your spine when you go over 45.....terrible car.....

Just before this catastrophe I found out that my daughter got accepted into head start. She's so excited. I'm so excited for her.....the problem is it's in civilization....and now...because of the car expenses, we are stranded in nowheresville for a while longer....

To top it all off....I'm sick as hell. I haven't felt this bad since I was preggo. My head feels like it's going to explode..my throat and ears hurt, I have coughing fits, my nose is stuffed.....I'm drowning in my own mucus....HELP!!

I'm waiting for the third shoe to drop....we had a quiz this evening in class.....totally didn't pass....the teacher told us what to study...and then only about three things she told us about was on there.....to top it off I was pretty drugged up to be able to make it to the quiz....so I know I bombed.

Something isn't right

I have no idea what is going on with me today, but it isn't right.

I have had a short fuse since the moment I woke up. I feel like putting fist through a wall would be a great idea right now....even now just clinching them makes my blood boil, and there is nothing to be angry about....not one thing....

Everything is too much for me to process. My brain feels like it is working three speeds too slow. I can't comprehend......anything.....

I keep getting these attacks of sensory overload that make me want both scream and run and hide in a dark corner. The sound of my daughter laughing at the TV in the next room and the dog chewing on his bone at my feet is making my skin crawl.....

I can't concentrate. Everything is a distraction. I get distracted so many times I can't remember what I was doing in the first place.

I have felt panicky all day. Like one little thing is going to send me into cold sweats and hyperventilation.

I'm exhausted, despite the 8 hours of sleep I got last night... and yet, I'm jittery at the same time....my head is in a pre-migraine ache phase and my throat feels like I have attempted to swallow walnuts-- shell and all--and failed. My whole body is buzzing, but I could fall dead asleep in a matter of seconds if I tried....

something is not right........not at all.....and I want to cut to make it all stop.

Still here....sorta....

Classes are back in full swing. Yay, summer school.....or....not....

You'd think when you're doing it by choice it would be much more enjoyable....yeah.....not so much. The first night of classes sent me into panic attacks the whole 45 minute drive home.

My first class really isn't that bad. All of 10 people, myself included, signed up for the course....most of which I know already from other courses....so it was pretty laid back....we played some silly name game so the prof. could attempt to keep us all straight....

The second class....well, let's just say....it wasn't so laid back. There are twice as many people, and remember the know-it-all, loud-mouth from last semester?? She's there and she brought friends.

Actually, no, they aren't friends, but there are 4 of them....exact same personality traits....

And the prof....she lost her mind come the second class....she decided to allow "us" to make our own syllabus.....the "us" turned into the 4 arguing for an hour and a half about what "they think we should do" and how "they don't have time for 'this that and the other' kind of evaluation of your acquired knowledge from the class." It was too much for me. There was chaos....complete sensory overload...and a week later, we still don't have a syllabus...

It's an Assessments course, btw. We are supposed to be learning about how to give inventories, surveys, and the like....and learn to evaluate said assessments for validity...very technical and not alot of fun, but a necessity in the field. We are supposed to take the MMPI that will be computer scored and write a report about what we find out.....I'm so screwed.

I'm hoping the teacher doesn't expect us to be honest. I've heard many-o conspiracy theory about the MMPI.....basically, according to it, everyone has some sort of disorder.....and that's the normal population......should I save them the trouble and commit myself now, or wait and make them work for it?

no clue

I really wish I had something interesting to talk about. The vaca. from classes has been very....well.....what's the opposite of interesting times a million??

I have pretty much worked, ate, and attempted to sleep for the past....how long has it been since my last post??? I swear I didn't forget about bloggerland!! Life has just been mundane.

I had a dream last night....my sleep cycle is so off. I will fall asleep, have vivid, crazy dreams, then wake after about 2 hours of sleep. Once I wake I feel like I have slept 8 hours, so I'm up for a couple of hours....finally forcing myself to sleep waking a few hours later to get ready for work feeling like I could sleep for days. It's starting to really mess with me.

Anyway, I had a dream last night...me and my kiddo and dog are out on the family farm (dad's)....and they get attacked by his horses and dogs. So he goes and brings them too me. I'm freaking out because they are both terribly hurt. I tell him I am taking the kiddo to the hospital and he needs to take the dog to the animal hospital....then he gets mad because "the dog can wait" and I tell him I need him to do what I asked and he walks away telling me that I can deal with it on my own.....I woke up panting and angry as hell....

Right now....well, I'm typing on here, but I just got finished having the best belly laugh watching WipeOut. That show is great for some no brainer, gut tickling, laughter.

Work is going well, but I don't think I will be able to stay on there. I don't know what I will do. I really love my job.

My child is in the irrational fear stage, and for this control freak....I am about ready to sell her to the gypsies! She cries every time I leave her at the sitters, or every time I mention her having to go to the sitters....she cries when we have to leave gramma's house or daddy's house....she cries every time she even thinks about them. It's like living with a preggo, I swear. I have tried talking to her, trying to reassure her that everything is okay; she's okay....god, I don't want her to have my anxiety. I don't know what to do.

On another note...the floors are starting to rot in the room with the roof leak....and the mold is having a blast multiplying. It's totally disgusting. I'm so ready to move. My parent's/landlords know of the problem and still have done nothing to fix it. As soon as the refund check from school is in my bank we are outta here. Even I have standards....

Classes start next Monday....I'm sure to have some good material then...right??? There has to be more than this....

Meaning?

Just woke up from a brief flash type dream. Almost makes me want to go back to it. I haven't thought about these people in ages....especially not him.....

In it, I had arrived at a house to pick up a girl friend from high school (K) with another old girl friends from school (E), and my boyfriend from high school (M). We were at a house where K was living with one of my former friends (T).

K was my best friend IRL, until high school happened....I haven't heard from or seen her since graduation. E is now in the army, and wasn't really friends with my other friends....as in they never hung out....she always said they were immature, which, I'll admit they were. T was an on again off again friend. She was very immature. She was your friend when it was in her best interest, but would stab you in the back....also, when it was in her best interest. She was in love with M....and in the end, when M and I broke up, he dated her for a few years, which completely broke my heart.

M was the first love of my life. We began our cat and mouse flirtations in 5th grade. He was really smart...like, scary smart. He was crass, boisterous, and honest to a fault. He was a little dark as well. Kind of mean, to be honest. He was a bully, but not one of the popular guys. I think that was the biggest attraction, even at the ripe age of 11. We were "boyfriend/girlfriend" throughout middle school and until about halfway through high school. The longer we were together the more possessive he became, which didn't bother me.

I experienced all my firsts with him....well....no....not technically...but my consensual firsts anyway. He knew me. Knew my dark side....he knew about my abuse when I was little, and was the first to know about my cutting...and, though it scared him, he didn't shun me for it. His possessiveness became abuse, as it usually does, but that, too, was okay with me. At the time it seemed like a fair exchange for protection and love. I knew that he wouldn't allow anyone else to hurt me as long as I was his.

Back to the dream..... he and I were waiting on he porch waiting for E to get K. He was sitting on the porch swing and I was awkwardly standing next to the swing, looking in the window. There were no words, just his smile...a combination of darkness and lust. T came out and started flirting.....I rolled my eyes and turned away from them. And he reached out and grabbed me, pulled me in to his lap and held me. In the dream my anxiety and tension melted away. I relaxed...floating in the feeling

...and then I woke up..... startled, gasping, heart pounding.....

What does it mean? Can it be that I still love him??...I haven't thought about him with anything but detest since high school....I guess I had forgotten what it felt like in those moments with him...Do I miss that comfort that he gave me?....knowing that both protection and punishment came from the same hand? Knowing that I was his? That he would never let anyone else hurt me? Knowing that I wasn't alone? That I had found a soul as damaged as mine?.....

I miss him....and I know that is all wrong....morbid....unhealthy..... it's been so many years...he's married now....she looks surprisingly like my doppelganger.....tiny little stick of a blond. I wonder if he ever thinks of me?

I'm so lonely. Every relationship I have ever been in after M has felt wrong. Like the guys were too good for me. Their lives consisted of parents still happily married, church on Sundays, and family dinners. I have never quite felt the same about another guy as I did for him....still haven't.

What's wrong with me???

Shut down

So the parent's are fighting again. My dad has moved out to his farm and into his camper, once again. Someone at his work contacted step-mom and told her that his ex lover was taking a day off, and that was all step-mom needed to start the drama all over again.....I mean, I get it, I do. I don't mean to sound callous. I was cheated on. I know what it feels like to not be able to trust the one you love. I know the weight of constant wonder and paranoia....but I left him....she won't.

Dad stopped by to let me know what was going on....and it's hard not to feel sorry for him. I'm not heartless....I know we all make mistakes....and I really want to believe him when he says nothing is going on with the other woman. I almost do....but I know....he lied for a long time, but he's my dad. And he actually cried. And I can't take that. He even swore on my grandmother's grave, which isn't something I take lightly, and he knows it. She was my best friend.....I wouldn't forgive him if he broke that promise.

The tornado sirens just went off a few minutes ago.....I looked outside....watched the town empty...the gas station shut down...are we in the basement....HELL NO! There is about a foot of water standing in the basement. There will be a tornado nipping at my heels before we dive into that mess. The sub-pump can't keep up with the ground water seeping in, yet alone the three inches that got dumped on us in the last hour. But it was fun to watch the townspeople scatter like ants. :)

Isolationsville is litterally in the middle of nowhere, so we could probably see a tornado coming if it were for real. Not that it would matter much. We live next to the water tower(like the condensation off it in the summer waters my lawn...WAY too damn close), so if there were a tornado, and it hit my house, we'd drown anyway.

"Narcotics cannot still the tooth that nibbles the soul"--Emily Dickinson

I about completely lost it at work yesterday. All it took was one of those brats sucker punching me in the eye and he about got launched. My anger boiled over and I had to take a smoke break. Why am I so angry?....well, apart from getting smacked around by a four year old brat....of course...normally that wouldn't have hit such a nerve....

My own child has been going through what I hope is a phase. I really don't know what to do about it. She has been having thirty minute to an hour melt down....not a tantrum, mind you, just sobbing...after I drop her off at the sitter's (my cousin's). Then she proceeds to whine all day on top of playing dumb when asked to do simple tasks--like put toys away. This coming from the kid who has been reading since she was three. My cousin mentioned this "problem" yesterday. Wanted to know how to deal with it....I told her I haven't the faintest idea...she does this at home too.

The other day, we went grocery shopping. I had my arms full, but managed to get her door open and asked her to unbuckle. She had a melt down.....this from the child who days before excitedly unbuckled and bounced all over the back seat mid-highway because she saw a hot air balloon. Suddenly she was sobbing, "I can't" in a whine that sends shivers down my spine like fingernails down a chalkboard. I don't get it...*sigh*

I don't coddle her. I talk to her like she's just a little person...don't get me wrong, I love to cuddle, but she's never been a cuddler. Since she could crawl she's never been afraid to wander off and explore on her own. I always thought this was a good thing...that I had raised a confident, secure little kiddo. Now...it's like she's going backwards....and it worries me.

I feel better since my bic dis assembly expedition. I haven't had the urge to harm myself. I am, however, noticing symptoms of depression...which worries me.

I haven't been depressed since my daughter was born. I was on about 10 different med's for a couple of years before I had her trying to find an anti-depressant/mood stabilizer/anti-anxiety mix that didn't make me crazier than I felt. My symptoms were terrible back then....and the side effects were worse. I hurt myself daily. I wanted to die. I wanted to be numb. I wanted to sleep forever.

Relief

I couldn't stop thinking about relief....release.....tiny beads of anxiety melting away....

I couldn't take it anymore.

I spent 45 minutes dismantling a Bic. I must be getting rusty....used to be able to do it in less than 10.

Relief....waiting for the backlash of shame...guilt....it hasn't caught up to me yet. I feel like I'm melting. Every muscle letting go of anxiety and stress....I am tired....I will sleep well tonight...

Socialization

Today was......awkward....

We had our staff appreciation.....thing. I showed up early, first mistake of the day.

The minute I entered the parking lot my heart was racing. Why couldn' t I have come down with some sort of 24 hour bug today?

I sent a text to my boss asking if she was here yet and popped a Flexaril. When she got there we wandered through the masses trying to find the rest of the girls who work at our site. My skin crawled as I tried to become invisible; pasting on a "take one for the team" smile. There were just too many people....

I'm good at my job. I even have a sort of advocate at the central office trying to get my position extended past August. I really enjoy what I do.....I'm the go-to person. If it needs to get done, I do it. I cover classrooms so the teachers can get their much deserved breaks, take payments, call parents, correct files that have been audited....I even allow me to be me a little bit....especially with the little ones. They appreciate my awkwardness....

The adults....they are another matter. I feel like I have to be...not me.... I am who they need me to be. A sympathetic ear to the stressed single parent....a sidekick to my boss....relief for the exhausted teacher....comic relief to anyone whose had a bad day....

I think that's what stresses me out about crowds. Who am I supposed to be? There are just too many. I took my ipod, unplugging it only long enough to join a renegade game of volleyball, until the number of players grew and it looked certain that someone was going to leave either bloody or broken...more people wandered to watch....too many eyes......exit stage left.....

stick the earbuds back in....drown out the drone of the the crowd...space in, space out...letting my mind wander and focus at random....watching non-verbal dances....communication between the words.....I smiled at those who managed to catch my wandering stares.... mostly just observed. I wasn't the only one who was out of sorts with the crowd....but I was one of the few.

One co-worker asked if I was a loner....I wasn't sure how to respond at first....me?? a loner?? The girl who use to get on stage and dazzle the world with her vocals??? The girl who was once the life of the party?? The first on the dance floor, last off the field....where did she go??

"I don't do social situations well" was all I could say.

Exhaustion

Haven't been sleeping well.....again. Exams are finally finished. Hopefully that will help. I go to bed....lay there until my mind slows, seem to sleep like the dead, but wake up feeling like I didn't sleep at all.....*sigh*

I have to go to some ridiculous work "staff appreciation" thing tomorrow. I would rather them show appreciation by allowing me to sleep in. Instead I will be driving an hour into civilization to sit at a park in the rain...and spend time with people that I don't know (the organization I work for is very large....running the daycare is only part of what they do...)..what's absolutely hilarious is that going is mandatory....

I really don't have the where-with-all to write much else. My mind is hazy...my eyes ache....I am exhausted.

Sleep cutting

It never ceases to amaze be how the mind can be both one's best friend, protecting you from memories and images you cannot handle, and your worst enemy, allowing those memories to seep into what should be a safe place to hide.

I dreamt about that night. I was in undergrad....the first go round...

Going off to college was a culture shock. My identity had become my responsibility to my family....caring for my siblings while my mother was off living her life. I went off to college and had no clue who I was....I was alone in the world....and went a little crazy.

I started to party every night....getting labeled trouble by the "dorm mom" from the get go. I barely remember "freshman week." It's a blur of drinking, snorting, and smoking.....and the aftermath that coming down from all the highs included. My self injury was at it's peak....it was my version of a hangover.

As far as classes went, I was fine. My grades never slipped. I'm not sure how or why, but I've always managed to keep that aspect of life....studies....normal...if not exceptional.

My personal life was another story. My roommates were not help of course, all going through some sort of identity crisis of their own; enjoying their freedoms in their own way. We enjoyed going out together, but I was by far the wildest, and I'm not sure they knew quite what to do with me.

None of them knew about my cutting until one night we all came home after partying....completely wasted.... Not sure how we made it into the building. We had to check in at the front desk with "security".....they were supposed to keep a eye out for the likes of us. But somehow we did.

I decided to take a shower. We had communal restrooms. This often meant for awkwardness in the halls, especially if someone brought home a "gentleman caller." I always got a chuckle out of these encounters. I was always careful to take my clothes into the shower room, so that no one would see my......battle wounds.

One of my roommates wanted me to wait. I told her I really wanted to get in there, but I would save a stall for her. Shower time had become a sanctuary for me. My time; a time for release.

The showers were usually deserted at this hour, and tonight was no exception. I took the stall in the back....It was the most secluded...I turned on the hot water and waited for the room to steam and began to cut. I watched the streams of red glide down the drain satisfyingly. I don't remember much after that.

I must have blacked out. I vaguely remember my roommate asking if I was alright...knocking on the door...then banging....climbing under....then nothing. I had passed out.

The girls were freaked...did some basic First Aid, and put me to bed. I'd made them promise not to tell anyone, but they treated me differently after that. Like I was a porcelain doll who could crumble at any moment....

And then that night happened...This is my dream....the nightmare that crept into my dreams last night:

It was Halloween. A certain frat was having a big bash. Good fun, from what I'd heard. All they had to tell me was free drinks and I was sold. I got all tramped out....you know the look--the go-to costume for all broke college girls....a cross between a hooker and a stripper........ Classic....... I went out.

I found some friends there, who were anywhere from halfway to completely trashed by the time I found the place. I played catch up....I don't remember drinking more than two cups of jungle juice before the world began to tilt and blur. Everything was heat, motion, and music. Then nothing.


I woke up in a dark room. My underwear gone, my shirt torn, my skirt pushed up at my waste..... my head pounding and I hurt.....down there...... The party must have died already. I didn't hear anything. I got up, found a door. I was in a shed at the back of the frat property. I wandered home...confused, still tipsy.....it was cold.

I found my dorm....sat on the smoker's picnic table and lit a cigarette, trembling. I caught glimpses of the night. Flashes. A cutie leading me away. Pressing me against the wall outside....making out...I was so sleepy. Everything was intense....color...light...the sound of the music... We went inside a room........there were others....more flashes.... crying....pushing.... slapping....tugging....laughing....nothing....

This is the part that haunted me. The flashed of uncertainty flooded my dreams last night.


I passed out. "Security" woke me up.....they were just college kids doing work study hours...they made me eat pizza....the smell alone make me nauseous.....it didn't stay down....I pushed past them and stumbled to my dorm room. My roommates must have found another party....no one was home. I crawled under my desk crying. I slashed up my legs...then slept.

To quote Paul Harvey: This is "the rest of the story:"

Then the "dorm mom" woke me up. She had to "break in"....."security" was "worried about me." ........I looked like hell...she didn't say much....(I wonder to this day if my roommates told her my secret).....she didn't have a reaction to my slashed up legs.....nor did she mention the bruise on my cheek, the split lip, or bruises on my wrists and legs....there were no questions about my injuries....none at all......

I got "written up."This meant I had to go to a group therapy meeting. I had to write an essay. Slap on the wrists....stupid really..... I was just another college girl who'd had a few too many, stumbled home, and sliced herself to shreads.....

I didn't say a word at the meeting..the counselor kept trying to get me to talk....if looks could kill....he'd have died a million deaths that day.

The days slipped after that. Ran together. I felt like a black hole. Numb. Used. Alone. I went to individual counseling. Told him I wanted to die. Hated myself. Didn't see the point. I kept that night to myself. No one would believe me. I deserved it anyway.

He check me into some residential facility for an evaluation. "A safe place to think" he called it, "just for a couple of days." After meeting the psychologist they wanted me to stay. I left AMA. Told my counselor to come get me.

I waited for the year to end, keeping to myself....going out alone, wandering from party to party....drink and smoking it all away.....at summer break I moved out of the dorms. Rented a room. Did my best to disappear.....that was the beginning of my two year "high" atous. I smoked and snorted anything I could get my hands on. I went to class high, studied high, did everything high. My grades never failed me though. At least I could count on them.

I never told anyone back then. It wasn't until about a year ago when I was chatting with an old friend (a guy) who was a "dorm dad" on the floor below me that I told someone. I didn't leave out a detail. Online chatting makes that so much easier....

He knew me then...he knew my drunkenness first hand. He even made me sleep in his dorm a couple of nights to make sure I was okay. He cared. He was a gentleman.......he was shocked at my account of that night. he asked why I never told someone....."would you have believed me?" was all I could say. "I don't know....I just...don't....know...." was his reply.

...................so last night.....I dreamt about that night. The flashes...the uncertainty...the numbness....emptiness....lonliness.....I don't remember dreaming about anything after slashing my arms and legs when I got back to my dorm....only in my dream I cut and cut and cut....but couldn't feel anything....they wouldn't bleed...I kept trying and nothing....

I woke up this morning....and my thighs are a mess.....It wasn't all a dream....I couldn't see the streams of red....because I was sleep cutting.....

MIA

Sorry for going MIA. This semester in school is wrapping up and of course that means ridiculous papers due on various, and sometimes tedious subjects, and exams. Next week are exams and at this point....if I don't know the information, I'm just going to have to wing it.

My anxiety is, of course, off the charts given the circumstances. Work is going well, but because it's a temporary position, I'm hoping to impress my boss and my bosses boss so that they want to find another position for me. So far so good. I really enjoy being around the kids, even when they act the way they did yesterday. The child care facility I work for really caters to lower income families, so a lot of the the kids have little or no discipline at home. So I know it's not the kiddos fault that they don't respect adults, each other, or themselves. Kind of makes me sad, but I really do love them. And the infants and toddlers have a special place in my heart. They can make a cruddy day brighten right up. If I don't get hired for another position in the facility when mine dissolves, I will probably shed a few tears just for them. It's amazing to watch how everything, every activity is new and exciting to them. They can find amazement in the smallest things. *sigh*......oh to be able to see the world like that again.

Another dream

1:3? AM:

Just woke up from a spooky one....was kind of like a stephen king movie.

Me and my family were visiting this old historical site....a castle....it was beautiful, but it was also a place where lots of people died in tragedies.

So, we started the tour with everyone else there visiting....We were about to go into the castle theatre. The type of theratre where traveling operas were viewed, you know....lots of seating, big stage. It was also where a bunch of people died in a fire. So in my dream we about to enter the theatre, walking along a spiral staircase and I started hear the voices....ghosts pleading with us all not to go in the theatre.....they kept saying it was a trap....that the people who re-opened the site for tours were going to recreate all the tragedies that happened there in the past.....the tourists were going to be their victims....then I woke up. CREEPY!

Forgiving is easy....

I'm hoping that this post doesn't offend anyone. I have been debating writing it for a couple of days now...

I keep having people tell me that God and forgiveness are the answers to my problems. This frustrates me terribly. It doesn't make me angry....just terrribly frustrated and sad.

I am not a religious person....don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete heretic or anything...I'm just more spiritual than formal about my beliefs. I believe that there are unseen forces in the universe that try to balance the good and bad....I believe in karma...which sometimes is my saving grace....because...forgiving is easy....it's forgetting that keeps knocking me down.

I have forgiven those that have hurt me....even my father. I know I post on here about still hurting because of him...but I haven't cut him out of my life. I have accepted that he is the way he is....and I love him to a fault despite the things he has put me through...But I can't forget...don't get me wrong. I would love to forget the feeling of ciggarettes burning my feet, or what it was like to try to sleep on the floor after getting hit with a belt.....I wish I could forget the shame and pain of being molested....raped....I have prayed for it....and...still....I can't forget.....my dreams/nightmares won't let me....

And then there are the flashbacks.......I have come a long way with them....I have learned to feint quite a bit of normalcy afterwards...I don't dissolve into a puddle....or panic attack post-flashback...I have been having them quite a bit more since starting school. A friend in class the other day asked if I was okay..."You looked like you were completely gone there for a minute," they said. I wasn't alright. I came out of that one...heart racing, palms sweating...I blinked a few times, tried to slow my breathing, "yeah, just spaced out. Soooo tired, work kicked my ass today," I replied. I had been in the middle of a flashback: Oct. 31, 2003...the delta chi Halloween party...

Running out....

Still waiting for my first paycheck. Not so much fun. We're pretty much out of food that has any real nutritional value. I have about a quarter tank of gas left (and two weeks of commuting left before payday). So....we're going MUSHROOM HUNTING!!

I really hope there are some out, though I don't think that the weather has been (1) wet enough and (2) humid enough.....but one can pray.

Class on Wednesday was a mess. That girl who spouted nonsense about "cutters," once again got under my skin. We were broke up into small groups to discuss ethical issue in counseling minors. For the first part we had to come up with five questions to have other groups answer. My stupid a$$ volunteered to be the secretary and write our questions. This girl completely dominated the group! She wouldn't let anyone else voice an opinion.

About halfway through the professor walked through to see how everyone was doing. She paused at our group and asked how we were coming. I just kind of looked at her, trying to suppress my anger. She did the"counselor thing"....like she knew what I was thinking.

"You doing okay," she asked.

I just kind of sighed and shook my head while rolling my eyes.

"What's going on?"

"I just don't wanna me here," I said, kind of looking around....

"Burnt out?"

"I just wanna go home"

She kind of looked at me wide eyed and glanced at the girl, to which I nodded.

This woman is amazing at reading people. I hope someday to be that good.

So after finishing writing what "the girl" dictated, while the rest of the group gave up trying to participate, we traded with another group to answer their questions.

So we get to this question: "When, if ever, is it appropriate to diagnose minors with disorders?"....The group consensus was that is wasn't, but the girl pretty much told us we were all stupid and that it happens all the time. I tried to argue, but this girl is like talking to a brick wall. In her world she's always right and no one else knows what they are talking about.

I told her in the next DSM that you won't even be able to diagnose someone with many disorders until they are 18....which you're not supposed to do in this edition, but is isn't "forbidden", per se. I asked her how it is ethical to diagnose someone who isn't even cognitively mature with something that may label them for the rest of their life? How can we be sure that they truly aren't just mimicking symptoms they are seeing withing the family system? And how can we use criterion to diagnose a disease that was developed for use with adults? How is that remotely ethical??

She completely dismissed me. Everything that came out of her mouth after that was completely one/short-sided. She all but told me I don't have a clue what I'm talking about, and that I must be naive. I'M SORRY FOR HAVING AN OPINION! I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WE WERE TO DISCUSS THE ETHICS OF THESE ISSUES, NOT WHAT REALLY HAPPENS!! I am not naive! I know kids get diagnosed all the time! That does NOT make it ethical!!!

I already have such a hard time opening my mouth in class. I feel like an idiot half of the time because I don't have much field experience. After class I felt like crap. Had a discussion with a smoker, post-class. He knows I'm a cutter....or at least that I have been. Vented my frustration with him about "the girl." He agreed that she is a short-sighted witch that likes to hear herself talk and make herself feel better by negating everyone else's opinion. I felt better knowing that I wasn't just being thin skinned. That I wasn't the only one that saw how she interacted in class. Now...how do I deal with that??

Letting them in....

Why do I have such a hard time letting people in?
Would it be so terrible if they knew me....the real me?
Would they judge?
Would they care?

Tonight I had class...and as usual...triggering.

It was a practice exercise for Narrative therapy. We had to pair up and "discuss" a problem. I couldn't make myself open up. I made up something about being anxious at my new job. Faked a smile as my partner tried to relate, all the while my insides were screaming, "Run! Hide! Don't you dare! They cannot know anything!!" While other parts of me were quietly pleading, "This is it....just ask for help....let something slip....you know you need to let someone in.....it's lonely in here."

I'm terrified to let anyone know what I deal with on a daily basis. The internal chaos. My self-worth fleeting....the "feeling" and "rational" in constant battle.

Somehow suicide came up in the "smoker's group" on break....if they only knew how my whole body screamed inside when this topic was brought up. I have come so close......I have been suicidal....was suicidal for many years. I'm not now, but I'm not a far cry from being there again. I like to be wanted...needed...but I allow myself to be used...which reinforces all the negative thoughts about myself...others using me...tells me that I'm disposable....only as good as I'm needed.....

Epistemology

.....of my "men" issues.....

my father.

Freud would be so proud.

Today I had an "A-ha!" moment. I don't trust my father....and therefore...don't trust men.

This really didn't smack me in the face until I relocated to Isolationsville where he's been a proud and outstanding citizen for the past 15-some years. In the past 6-odd months I have seen just how unreliable he is....and I slowly....and reluctantly....it all tied together and is starting to make sense.

I spent my whole childhood waiting on him.

When my parent's split, my father got every-other weekend visitation rights. He was to come and get me at 6pm on Friday of his weekend and return me Sunday at 6pm.

I remember one time...I was maybe 2 or 3....sitting in my little rocking chair in front of the living room window with my little red "going to Gramma's house" suitcase all packed, waiting for him to show up...I waited and waited...and waited.........and cried. I refused to eat supper. I was afraid to leave the window....I was afraid that if I left he wouldn't come. He didn't. He didn't even call.

I remember one weekend he actually showed up. I was little. He left me with his crazy second wife...and went to work. He was suppose to get off at midnight. I waited for him to come home and kiss me good-night. I wanted my daddy so bad. Crazy second wife was having a party...everything was so loud...this memory feels like chaos....I just wanted my daddy....I cried myself to sleep...

He wasn't there to stop my abusers....he didn't even notice that he was returning me to my mother with cigarette burns on my feet....or belt bruises on my back....he wasn't there to stop that man from molesting me and Tracy...

As I got older I invited him to music performances, musicals I was in, extra-curricular activities....I remember so many times wondering if he'd show up....if he'd remember me....prove to me that I was important to him....sometimes I was...other times he "forgot".....something he said often in my childhood.

This trend has been unyielding.

Since I have moved to the town where he happily resides, nothing has changed. I am now in my 20's and still cannot count on him...don't feel like I am important to him....wonder if I mean anything to him....and just want to be able to count on him to do what he says he will....but I can't...I wait, and wait.....and wait....and he still never shows up.

So there's this one guy....

I feel so retarded about what I'm about to admit...please don't laugh.

So, a few months ago, I started e-mailing/facebooking this guy I met on a dating site. We seem really compatible. He was/is a band geek...played professionally for a few years...I was completely devoted to music for most of my public school education: took classical vocal lessons for years, did musicals, choirs, competitions, learned the french horn freshman year....music was my life's joy.

Now, this guy is in medical school, so we are able to bond over the stresses of school and achieving our dreams in helping others. We met a few months ago and he was great. I was a complete nervous mess, of course, but we talked for a couple hours straight...

Since then, we have both been pretty busy with school, but we still chit-chat via Internet. And I'm thinking to myself...he's way too perfect...he's sweet, and makes me smile...I really would like to see if there is something there, but I have no clue if he's thinking the same, so I always stop myself...I always chicken out.

I don't feel like I deserve someone like him: he is kind, career minded, wants kids, has his shit together and isn't carrying around his weight in baggage. He's the opposite of every guy I have ever been attracted to....not to mention I feel like a damn fool for crushing on someone I have only met once....He's just always in the back of my mind...He's the type of guy I imagined myself with "when I grew up"....and as hard as I try to push those thoughts away and keep myself from getting my hopes up and ending up hurt.....he's still in my thoughts.

Deep down I know I do deserve happiness. I deserve to be with someone who is great...I deserve to be with a guy who wants things in life and isn't afraid to go for them....or maybe I don't. I don't know. I have pounced on the self-destruct button in relationships in the past with really great guys....maybe being alone is my punishment for hurting men in the past?

Urgy

Went and got my physical for work yesterday. My blood pressure was high...but both of the male nurses and the doctor were completely hot, so it was no suprise. Plus I forgot to wear long sleeves to cover scars so I was a complete nervous wreck. I thought things went well. He signed my paper for work...and on the way out....he, out of the blue, asked if I was left handed....and that was it...that was the last thing he said before he left and I went to pay....

It didn't hit me until I got in the car...I got the hell out of there quick.

I had ethics tonight. We talked about "duty to warn"....somehow the issue of cutting came up in class....it was in the notes, and I thought it would be mentioned in passing....but it became a whole discussion...and it was all I could do to remember to breath...

The teacher opened with, "Have any of you had experience with cutting? Raise you hands if you have.".....Other's raised their hands....so I followed suit, trying not to make eye contact.

This one girl in class started talking...and by the time she quit I felt about two inches tall and wanted to slap the hell out of her. She spouted every cliche on the books about cutters....it was so ridiculous. No one in that class has a clue.

Where does time go when you lose it?

My first week at the new job went well. I still don't have a sitter, but a family member has said she will watch the kiddo until other arrangements can be made. I still don't know what I will be making at this job, but I think it will get my foot in the door with the organization that runs the job site for a practicum spot...so at the moment...I will just pray that it is enough to help, but not screw.



I have no idea where the weekend went. I suppose that is another joy of working again (even if I do like my job) the weekends seem to fly by, leaving you breathless on Sunday night asking, "WTF? Where did it all go?"



Instead of writing a four page paper on feminist theory, I made three pairs of baby booties, a hat, and a bonnet...and no, I am not pregnant...I only wish...I have noticed that crocheting makes my mind focus on something other than the constant storm in between my ears. I did read a bunch of articles on the topic of the paper tonight, and started the paper...it's just far from being finished...



There is one thing that has me pretty excited...Tornado/storm season has officially begun, YAY! I'm sure this makes me sound madder than I am. I just really find mother nature in all her furry...truly beautiful. I love photographing storms coming in...and someday I will get a shot of a tornado...I just know it.



No weird dreams this weekend. I know I dreamed...and they were strange...but nothing that I could hold onto once I awoke.

My mind is reeling---dream update

Little after 1 in the morning:

I'm still half asleep...so you will forgive me if I don't spell things well. I just had a dream that I woke up from crying....and I want to get this down before I forget it.

In my dream I was at my BFF's (my real one) birthday party somewhere in the mountains on this beautiful lake. She had her party on these floating docks. There were like 20 or so of them. You could jump from one to the other. In the distance, on the shore of the lake was this big blue building that was all lit up and appeared to have a giant marti gras mask on the front of it.

I took a date (who was actually this guy I dated in like middle school...weird thing #1). So, she invited a bunch of people I didn't know. And they were all these really beautiful, uppity people. The kind you always...or maybe I always....wanted to hang out with in HS, but didn't cause I always made an ass of myself when they were around.

Anyway. Everyone ended up leaving when me and my date showed up. My BFF was really upset and down that everyone left so we all three got trashed (her dad was there too....odd thing #2) and then decided to go somewhere for food (???)...I think....which was down the mountain....down a really twisty crazy road. My BFF didn't end up going....and when we got back, everyone from earlier was back. Me and my date, who by this time was the actor David Boreanaz...overheard these three girls and two gay guys talking about what trash I was and how they were glad I was gone. I confronted them...and they tore me down to my face. One girl even spit in my face! I ended up getting back in the car (still trashed)....and drive this crazy windy road to the top of the mountain. David Boreanaz chasing me in another car. I get to the top....by this time I am feeling completely depressed, worthless, suicidal....and I am about to jump when I woke up.

What does it mean???

New Job- Day three

So I think I may survive my dive back into the working world. I still don't have a sitter in civilization, but my cousin agreed to watch the kiddo for a reasonable price. I have to wait for my first paycheck to see if I can get some assistance with childcare, but I will be waiting a while as we get paid monthly...and I missed the beginning of this pay period by quite a bit...

Still haven't worked on my paper that's due next week. It's four pages on feminist theory in family therapy...I will let you know if I discover any enlightening information. I dreading doing it though...so mostly I will probably just bitch. (Hey, at least I'm honest.)

I have noticed that the socialization that comes with working has started to bring back some of the better parts of "the old me." I don't have(....well...okay I still have but not as bad) socially-induced panic attacks. I actually had to cold-call about 30 people today and managed not to fumble for words or stutter through about 50% of the calls. Kinda proud of that.

And the doe-eyed awkwardness has mostly disappeared. I have been deemed "the organizer" by my colleagues....kind of ironic considering how chaotic my life is...if they only knew....strike that!...I would evaporate if they found out. I have been wearing long sleeves the past two days in 80 degree heat just so I don't have to make up stories about my scars....They must not find out...

This month is going to be rough, financially. I'm not sure we have food enough to get by...and I don't have enough $ to change that. *sigh*....guess I should stop eating and save it for the kiddo. I get stamps...but have already ran through them this month...not that it's really enough to feed two on...yet alone a growing kiddo who is going through a growth spurt and constantly hungry.

I have been too exhausted to SI...though the thoughts are constantly there...prolly due to the transitional anxiety I'm experiencing. I have been sleeping better...though I am still exhausted throughout the day...and I have been having such crazy dreams. I need to save a few minutes each morning to blog them so I can get some input about them. I'm interested as to what they could mean....other than I am completely bonkers...