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Saturday, September 25, 2010


I have come to a sudden, and completely depressing, realization that I have no friends.

I have people who call me their friend. I have people who I would walk to the ends of the earth for.....but here I am sitting by myself, my mind a mess....just wanting the compansionship.....presence......of someone....anyone....so that I'm not alone with myself....and there is no one I can call.

I went to see one friend yesterday. Ran an errand for her because she is mostly bed ridden, and can't drive most days because of the pain she is in constantly.

Another person I consider a friend....she hasn't really been up for much of anything in a while....I know she's depressed....our other mutual friends know she's depressed....but she's in complete denial....but who am I to judge...she "has a migraine" or "is broke" whenever anyone wants to do anything.

Another friend....the one that I mentioned was victim to rape....she is permanently glued to her boyfriends hip....there's only so much "third tit" action I can handle.....I think I miss her the most though....

My sister...who lives just down the street is the same way....but I'm sure as soon as he leaves her....and we all know he will....I will be the first person she calls....gratefully so....but also....disappointingly so.....

I could understand having no one if anyone knew....anything....about what I'm going through....but they don't. I'm very good at hiding my condition. No one has a clue. I'm the dependable one....the one they can count on. When we go out I'm the uninhibited one....not afraid to make a fool of myself (granted, with the help of a little liquid courage...but I'm too much of a control freak to get flat out wasted in public) just to give others a good laugh. WTF!? Why am I suddenly so alone??

So....I have no one....and right now that is not the best realization. My heart has been pounding out of my chest all day. I feel like a weepy mess....I just want to do something....anything to get my mind.....on something else.....or....to just turn off.....

Sunday, September 19, 2010


This weekend was decent. I got my eyes checked out. Laundry finished. House mostly cleaned....

OH! Did I mention that I was offered, and accepted, and full-time position with the non-profit agency that I have been temping for?!?!?

Insurance here I come.....starting....November 1st....**sigh**

I guess then is better than never....just need to keep it together....and make sure that my co-workers remain clueless as to how bad it really is.....until then.

Don't get me wrong, it's nice to know that I will have some sort of stability in income, and I really like the job. It just seems like I never know when things will hit the fan....I never know when things go awry until they are in full downward spiral. It's not a lack of self insight, just denial....I suppose.

Classes are going well. Not so triggering this semester. Pretty scientific....if psychology can ever truely be considered that...Human Development is kind of boring, but I really like Diagnostics.

Friday, September 10, 2010

fuck, Fuck, FUCK!

I bought a new set of matresses today....been sleeping on the couch for a year....and I can't sleep!!!

My mind won't shut off. My body is screaming for rest, but my head won't shut up! Every possible senario and evert possible outcome of every decision that I made today is running though my head.....shut up, Shut up, SHUT UP!!!!!

It won't stop. I want so badly to enjoy my new bed.....new sheets....sleep as it storms outside...but my thoughts won't stop. I can't take this anymore.


No work today. Something about that is relieving. I really love what I do, but lord did I need a breather.

I get my refund check today, so I will be able to get a head on some bills. I may even be able to buy a bed....the couch is doing nothing for my insomnia.

I got a call back for a second interview. The prospects of having reliable income and....*shock, horror!*..... insurance!!! The first thing I'm going to do if I get this job.......find a shrink!

Monday, September 6, 2010


I have been looking online for a therapist in the area that does DBT.....it's about the only type of therapy that I have heard of that has any luck treating self-injurious behavior. I have had no luck. I went on buslist....(a SI support chatroom) to see if anyone has any ideas and they suggested that I e-mail someone in my program....

I did.

Now I'm dealing with the anxiety....the asshole voice in my head....and a naseating urge to self-destruct......I'm not actually sure if the nausea is from the urge or trying to resist.....I suspect the latter. I feel like such an idiot!!!

What's worse, in the move, I have misplaced.....or perhaps accidentally threw away?....my sharps....I just spent an hour riffling through boxes like a psycho looking for them....I really need release.....

First thing after work....I need to hit wally world.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Herr hilf!

Friday at work I about had a panic attack in front of everyone.

The company that I work for has a mental health worker that comes around about once a month the all the sites just to "check in" on everyone. When I realize she's around I do my best to disappear, but Friday she caught me with my guard down and just her being around....observing....was enough to send me over the edge. As much as I want to ask for her assistance in finding some help, I can't help but think that would mark me as weak or unfit for my job. With my standings with the company already up in the air because my position was meant to be temporary, I cannot afford this.

This weekend has been.....well....it has been....it came and went...like any other. I took care of my nieces this weekend. My sister just had my youngest niece a little over a week ago and is having a hard go at it. She is completely overwhelmed and is having separation anxiety, not from her children, but from her husband. My sweet nieces stayed a night with me, so that she and he could spend some time together. The newest is such a good baby. It makes me want another, but I know in the condition I am in I cannot handle more stress. It wouldn't be fair.

I am still missing one of my textbooks for school. The school book store didn't end up getting it in stock, so I had to order it online, which according to half.com...will take about 14 days to arrive....FML!! Hopefully the teacher won't catch on that the answers to my homework sound more like wikipedia than scholarly.....

In my other class, we have to write brochures on a disorder found in the DSM-IV TR....I know what I would prefer to do.....self-injury....but not sure I have the balls....nor is it actually a disorder....not according to the DSM gurus anyway.....the only mention of self-injury.....or "mutilation", as they call it....is in the criteria for the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.....which kind of pisses me off....thankfully the new DSM will have a separate diagnostic diagnosis that more accurately describes and helps professionals treat those that self-harm.....unfortunately it isn't due to be published until May of 2013.....

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Body Rebellion

I haven't been getting much sleep. My sister just had a baby, another is pregnant, I just moved, my employment is up in the air.....there is just too much going on that even though I am exhausted to the core, my mind won't let me have a peaceful nights slumber.

My body has finally had enough. On top of the eye twitch that has been going on for over 2 weeks now, I fainted at work today--a completely new and unique experience that I may now cross off my bucket list of things I don't want to do before I die.

I was tucking in kiddies during nap time. I settled in a couple of cherubs and stood up to go help some others and suddenly I found myself on my back in the middle of the dramatic play area. I don't even remember falling. When I stood up things kind of slid sideways and I was down and confused. I banged the crap out of my head on the toy washer and dryer to boot! I have been an anxious mess...analyzing what happened...what went wrong....what's going on....since....on top of the usual anxious analysis of life, of course...

I just sat through an entire class (Adv. human development, for those of you playing the "how far is she in her degree program" home game) like a zombie. I completely recoiled into myself. I hid in my hair and spaced. It's times like these I'm glad that I don't talk in class...no one has that expectation....so no one was the wiser...

Another anxiety inducing issue going on right now is that one of my good friends was raped by another of my (now former) friends, who are both in the same degree program that I am in. I'm trying to help the first cope and deal instead of run away. She is also a cutter and deals with a lot of the same anxiety and self-esteem issues I do, so I really care about her well-being because we have bonded over our illness and experience.

Unfortunately, she has temporarily dropped out of the program. Leaving me to fend through the whole becoming a counselor process and having to face issues triggered by class topics alone. And even though, I know she is doing what she needs to do to cope right now....and I am totally supportive of her decisions and am there for her whenever, for whatever.....I am, as always, left feeling like....what about me?

I don't mean this in the selfish way that it sounds....I'm just finding my grasp of sanity slowly....and yet more quickly everyday.....slipping....and as usual....there is no one there to catch me if.....when.... I fall. And I don't know how to ask someone without them writing me off as weak...frail...fragile....I can't explain what I'm experiencing in a way that won't stigmatize me.....

I just need release. I need something that will help me until I can find a therapist that will take me on pro bono or get insurance....though I'm not holding my breath on either one. I don't want to fight this anymore. I feel on the verge of tears for no real reason other than I think I'm losing my mind....and rather than give into that feeling....losing control...possibly never to reattain it again.....I would rather cut.