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Sunday, May 23, 2010


Just woke up from a brief flash type dream. Almost makes me want to go back to it. I haven't thought about these people in ages....especially not him.....

In it, I had arrived at a house to pick up a girl friend from high school (K) with another old girl friends from school (E), and my boyfriend from high school (M). We were at a house where K was living with one of my former friends (T).

K was my best friend IRL, until high school happened....I haven't heard from or seen her since graduation. E is now in the army, and wasn't really friends with my other friends....as in they never hung out....she always said they were immature, which, I'll admit they were. T was an on again off again friend. She was very immature. She was your friend when it was in her best interest, but would stab you in the back....also, when it was in her best interest. She was in love with M....and in the end, when M and I broke up, he dated her for a few years, which completely broke my heart.

M was the first love of my life. We began our cat and mouse flirtations in 5th grade. He was really smart...like, scary smart. He was crass, boisterous, and honest to a fault. He was a little dark as well. Kind of mean, to be honest. He was a bully, but not one of the popular guys. I think that was the biggest attraction, even at the ripe age of 11. We were "boyfriend/girlfriend" throughout middle school and until about halfway through high school. The longer we were together the more possessive he became, which didn't bother me.

I experienced all my firsts with him....well....no....not technically...but my consensual firsts anyway. He knew me. Knew my dark side....he knew about my abuse when I was little, and was the first to know about my cutting...and, though it scared him, he didn't shun me for it. His possessiveness became abuse, as it usually does, but that, too, was okay with me. At the time it seemed like a fair exchange for protection and love. I knew that he wouldn't allow anyone else to hurt me as long as I was his.

Back to the dream..... he and I were waiting on he porch waiting for E to get K. He was sitting on the porch swing and I was awkwardly standing next to the swing, looking in the window. There were no words, just his smile...a combination of darkness and lust. T came out and started flirting.....I rolled my eyes and turned away from them. And he reached out and grabbed me, pulled me in to his lap and held me. In the dream my anxiety and tension melted away. I relaxed...floating in the feeling

...and then I woke up..... startled, gasping, heart pounding.....

What does it mean? Can it be that I still love him??...I haven't thought about him with anything but detest since high school....I guess I had forgotten what it felt like in those moments with him...Do I miss that comfort that he gave me?....knowing that both protection and punishment came from the same hand? Knowing that I was his? That he would never let anyone else hurt me? Knowing that I wasn't alone? That I had found a soul as damaged as mine?.....

I miss him....and I know that is all wrong....morbid....unhealthy..... it's been so many years...he's married now....she looks surprisingly like my doppelganger.....tiny little stick of a blond. I wonder if he ever thinks of me?

I'm so lonely. Every relationship I have ever been in after M has felt wrong. Like the guys were too good for me. Their lives consisted of parents still happily married, church on Sundays, and family dinners. I have never quite felt the same about another guy as I did for him....still haven't.

What's wrong with me???

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Shut down

So the parent's are fighting again. My dad has moved out to his farm and into his camper, once again. Someone at his work contacted step-mom and told her that his ex lover was taking a day off, and that was all step-mom needed to start the drama all over again.....I mean, I get it, I do. I don't mean to sound callous. I was cheated on. I know what it feels like to not be able to trust the one you love. I know the weight of constant wonder and paranoia....but I left him....she won't.

Dad stopped by to let me know what was going on....and it's hard not to feel sorry for him. I'm not heartless....I know we all make mistakes....and I really want to believe him when he says nothing is going on with the other woman. I almost do....but I know....he lied for a long time, but he's my dad. And he actually cried. And I can't take that. He even swore on my grandmother's grave, which isn't something I take lightly, and he knows it. She was my best friend.....I wouldn't forgive him if he broke that promise.

The tornado sirens just went off a few minutes ago.....I looked outside....watched the town empty...the gas station shut down...are we in the basement....HELL NO! There is about a foot of water standing in the basement. There will be a tornado nipping at my heels before we dive into that mess. The sub-pump can't keep up with the ground water seeping in, yet alone the three inches that got dumped on us in the last hour. But it was fun to watch the townspeople scatter like ants. :)

Isolationsville is litterally in the middle of nowhere, so we could probably see a tornado coming if it were for real. Not that it would matter much. We live next to the water tower(like the condensation off it in the summer waters my lawn...WAY too damn close), so if there were a tornado, and it hit my house, we'd drown anyway.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

"Narcotics cannot still the tooth that nibbles the soul"--Emily Dickinson

I about completely lost it at work yesterday. All it took was one of those brats sucker punching me in the eye and he about got launched. My anger boiled over and I had to take a smoke break. Why am I so angry?....well, apart from getting smacked around by a four year old brat....of course...normally that wouldn't have hit such a nerve....

My own child has been going through what I hope is a phase. I really don't know what to do about it. She has been having thirty minute to an hour melt down....not a tantrum, mind you, just sobbing...after I drop her off at the sitter's (my cousin's). Then she proceeds to whine all day on top of playing dumb when asked to do simple tasks--like put toys away. This coming from the kid who has been reading since she was three. My cousin mentioned this "problem" yesterday. Wanted to know how to deal with it....I told her I haven't the faintest idea...she does this at home too.

The other day, we went grocery shopping. I had my arms full, but managed to get her door open and asked her to unbuckle. She had a melt down.....this from the child who days before excitedly unbuckled and bounced all over the back seat mid-highway because she saw a hot air balloon. Suddenly she was sobbing, "I can't" in a whine that sends shivers down my spine like fingernails down a chalkboard. I don't get it...*sigh*

I don't coddle her. I talk to her like she's just a little person...don't get me wrong, I love to cuddle, but she's never been a cuddler. Since she could crawl she's never been afraid to wander off and explore on her own. I always thought this was a good thing...that I had raised a confident, secure little kiddo. Now...it's like she's going backwards....and it worries me.

I feel better since my bic dis assembly expedition. I haven't had the urge to harm myself. I am, however, noticing symptoms of depression...which worries me.

I haven't been depressed since my daughter was born. I was on about 10 different med's for a couple of years before I had her trying to find an anti-depressant/mood stabilizer/anti-anxiety mix that didn't make me crazier than I felt. My symptoms were terrible back then....and the side effects were worse. I hurt myself daily. I wanted to die. I wanted to be numb. I wanted to sleep forever.

Saturday, May 15, 2010


I couldn't stop thinking about relief....release.....tiny beads of anxiety melting away....

I couldn't take it anymore.

I spent 45 minutes dismantling a Bic. I must be getting rusty....used to be able to do it in less than 10.

Relief....waiting for the backlash of shame...guilt....it hasn't caught up to me yet. I feel like I'm melting. Every muscle letting go of anxiety and stress....I am tired....I will sleep well tonight...

Friday, May 14, 2010


Today was......awkward....

We had our staff appreciation.....thing. I showed up early, first mistake of the day.

The minute I entered the parking lot my heart was racing. Why couldn' t I have come down with some sort of 24 hour bug today?

I sent a text to my boss asking if she was here yet and popped a Flexaril. When she got there we wandered through the masses trying to find the rest of the girls who work at our site. My skin crawled as I tried to become invisible; pasting on a "take one for the team" smile. There were just too many people....

I'm good at my job. I even have a sort of advocate at the central office trying to get my position extended past August. I really enjoy what I do.....I'm the go-to person. If it needs to get done, I do it. I cover classrooms so the teachers can get their much deserved breaks, take payments, call parents, correct files that have been audited....I even allow me to be me a little bit....especially with the little ones. They appreciate my awkwardness....

The adults....they are another matter. I feel like I have to be...not me.... I am who they need me to be. A sympathetic ear to the stressed single parent....a sidekick to my boss....relief for the exhausted teacher....comic relief to anyone whose had a bad day....

I think that's what stresses me out about crowds. Who am I supposed to be? There are just too many. I took my ipod, unplugging it only long enough to join a renegade game of volleyball, until the number of players grew and it looked certain that someone was going to leave either bloody or broken...more people wandered to watch....too many eyes......exit stage left.....

stick the earbuds back in....drown out the drone of the the crowd...space in, space out...letting my mind wander and focus at random....watching non-verbal dances....communication between the words.....I smiled at those who managed to catch my wandering stares.... mostly just observed. I wasn't the only one who was out of sorts with the crowd....but I was one of the few.

One co-worker asked if I was a loner....I wasn't sure how to respond at first....me?? a loner?? The girl who use to get on stage and dazzle the world with her vocals??? The girl who was once the life of the party?? The first on the dance floor, last off the field....where did she go??

"I don't do social situations well" was all I could say.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


Haven't been sleeping well.....again. Exams are finally finished. Hopefully that will help. I go to bed....lay there until my mind slows, seem to sleep like the dead, but wake up feeling like I didn't sleep at all.....*sigh*

I have to go to some ridiculous work "staff appreciation" thing tomorrow. I would rather them show appreciation by allowing me to sleep in. Instead I will be driving an hour into civilization to sit at a park in the rain...and spend time with people that I don't know (the organization I work for is very large....running the daycare is only part of what they do...)..what's absolutely hilarious is that going is mandatory....

I really don't have the where-with-all to write much else. My mind is hazy...my eyes ache....I am exhausted.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Sleep cutting

It never ceases to amaze be how the mind can be both one's best friend, protecting you from memories and images you cannot handle, and your worst enemy, allowing those memories to seep into what should be a safe place to hide.

I dreamt about that night. I was in undergrad....the first go round...

Going off to college was a culture shock. My identity had become my responsibility to my family....caring for my siblings while my mother was off living her life. I went off to college and had no clue who I was....I was alone in the world....and went a little crazy.

I started to party every night....getting labeled trouble by the "dorm mom" from the get go. I barely remember "freshman week." It's a blur of drinking, snorting, and smoking.....and the aftermath that coming down from all the highs included. My self injury was at it's peak....it was my version of a hangover.

As far as classes went, I was fine. My grades never slipped. I'm not sure how or why, but I've always managed to keep that aspect of life....studies....normal...if not exceptional.

My personal life was another story. My roommates were not help of course, all going through some sort of identity crisis of their own; enjoying their freedoms in their own way. We enjoyed going out together, but I was by far the wildest, and I'm not sure they knew quite what to do with me.

None of them knew about my cutting until one night we all came home after partying....completely wasted.... Not sure how we made it into the building. We had to check in at the front desk with "security".....they were supposed to keep a eye out for the likes of us. But somehow we did.

I decided to take a shower. We had communal restrooms. This often meant for awkwardness in the halls, especially if someone brought home a "gentleman caller." I always got a chuckle out of these encounters. I was always careful to take my clothes into the shower room, so that no one would see my......battle wounds.

One of my roommates wanted me to wait. I told her I really wanted to get in there, but I would save a stall for her. Shower time had become a sanctuary for me. My time; a time for release.

The showers were usually deserted at this hour, and tonight was no exception. I took the stall in the back....It was the most secluded...I turned on the hot water and waited for the room to steam and began to cut. I watched the streams of red glide down the drain satisfyingly. I don't remember much after that.

I must have blacked out. I vaguely remember my roommate asking if I was alright...knocking on the door...then banging....climbing under....then nothing. I had passed out.

The girls were freaked...did some basic First Aid, and put me to bed. I'd made them promise not to tell anyone, but they treated me differently after that. Like I was a porcelain doll who could crumble at any moment....

And then that night happened...This is my dream....the nightmare that crept into my dreams last night:

It was Halloween. A certain frat was having a big bash. Good fun, from what I'd heard. All they had to tell me was free drinks and I was sold. I got all tramped out....you know the look--the go-to costume for all broke college girls....a cross between a hooker and a stripper........ Classic....... I went out.

I found some friends there, who were anywhere from halfway to completely trashed by the time I found the place. I played catch up....I don't remember drinking more than two cups of jungle juice before the world began to tilt and blur. Everything was heat, motion, and music. Then nothing.

I woke up in a dark room. My underwear gone, my shirt torn, my skirt pushed up at my waste..... my head pounding and I hurt.....down there...... The party must have died already. I didn't hear anything. I got up, found a door. I was in a shed at the back of the frat property. I wandered home...confused, still tipsy.....it was cold.

I found my dorm....sat on the smoker's picnic table and lit a cigarette, trembling. I caught glimpses of the night. Flashes. A cutie leading me away. Pressing me against the wall outside....making out...I was so sleepy. Everything was intense....color...light...the sound of the music... We went inside a room........there were others....more flashes.... crying....pushing.... slapping....tugging....laughing....nothing....

This is the part that haunted me. The flashed of uncertainty flooded my dreams last night.

I passed out. "Security" woke me up.....they were just college kids doing work study hours...they made me eat pizza....the smell alone make me nauseous.....it didn't stay down....I pushed past them and stumbled to my dorm room. My roommates must have found another party....no one was home. I crawled under my desk crying. I slashed up my legs...then slept.

To quote Paul Harvey: This is "the rest of the story:"

Then the "dorm mom" woke me up. She had to "break in"....."security" was "worried about me." ........I looked like hell...she didn't say much....(I wonder to this day if my roommates told her my secret).....she didn't have a reaction to my slashed up legs.....nor did she mention the bruise on my cheek, the split lip, or bruises on my wrists and legs....there were no questions about my injuries....none at all......

I got "written up."This meant I had to go to a group therapy meeting. I had to write an essay. Slap on the wrists....stupid really..... I was just another college girl who'd had a few too many, stumbled home, and sliced herself to shreads.....

I didn't say a word at the meeting..the counselor kept trying to get me to talk....if looks could kill....he'd have died a million deaths that day.

The days slipped after that. Ran together. I felt like a black hole. Numb. Used. Alone. I went to individual counseling. Told him I wanted to die. Hated myself. Didn't see the point. I kept that night to myself. No one would believe me. I deserved it anyway.

He check me into some residential facility for an evaluation. "A safe place to think" he called it, "just for a couple of days." After meeting the psychologist they wanted me to stay. I left AMA. Told my counselor to come get me.

I waited for the year to end, keeping to myself....going out alone, wandering from party to party....drink and smoking it all away.....at summer break I moved out of the dorms. Rented a room. Did my best to disappear.....that was the beginning of my two year "high" atous. I smoked and snorted anything I could get my hands on. I went to class high, studied high, did everything high. My grades never failed me though. At least I could count on them.

I never told anyone back then. It wasn't until about a year ago when I was chatting with an old friend (a guy) who was a "dorm dad" on the floor below me that I told someone. I didn't leave out a detail. Online chatting makes that so much easier....

He knew me then...he knew my drunkenness first hand. He even made me sleep in his dorm a couple of nights to make sure I was okay. He cared. He was a gentleman.......he was shocked at my account of that night. he asked why I never told someone....."would you have believed me?" was all I could say. "I don't know....I just...don't....know...." was his reply.

...................so last night.....I dreamt about that night. The flashes...the uncertainty...the numbness....emptiness....lonliness.....I don't remember dreaming about anything after slashing my arms and legs when I got back to my dorm....only in my dream I cut and cut and cut....but couldn't feel anything....they wouldn't bleed...I kept trying and nothing....

I woke up this morning....and my thighs are a mess.....It wasn't all a dream....I couldn't see the streams of red....because I was sleep cutting.....

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


Sorry for going MIA. This semester in school is wrapping up and of course that means ridiculous papers due on various, and sometimes tedious subjects, and exams. Next week are exams and at this point....if I don't know the information, I'm just going to have to wing it.

My anxiety is, of course, off the charts given the circumstances. Work is going well, but because it's a temporary position, I'm hoping to impress my boss and my bosses boss so that they want to find another position for me. So far so good. I really enjoy being around the kids, even when they act the way they did yesterday. The child care facility I work for really caters to lower income families, so a lot of the the kids have little or no discipline at home. So I know it's not the kiddos fault that they don't respect adults, each other, or themselves. Kind of makes me sad, but I really do love them. And the infants and toddlers have a special place in my heart. They can make a cruddy day brighten right up. If I don't get hired for another position in the facility when mine dissolves, I will probably shed a few tears just for them. It's amazing to watch how everything, every activity is new and exciting to them. They can find amazement in the smallest things. *sigh*......oh to be able to see the world like that again.