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Sunday, April 25, 2010

Another dream

1:3? AM:

Just woke up from a spooky one....was kind of like a stephen king movie.

Me and my family were visiting this old historical site....a castle....it was beautiful, but it was also a place where lots of people died in tragedies.

So, we started the tour with everyone else there visiting....We were about to go into the castle theatre. The type of theratre where traveling operas were viewed, you know....lots of seating, big stage. It was also where a bunch of people died in a fire. So in my dream we about to enter the theatre, walking along a spiral staircase and I started hear the voices....ghosts pleading with us all not to go in the theatre.....they kept saying it was a trap....that the people who re-opened the site for tours were going to recreate all the tragedies that happened there in the past.....the tourists were going to be their victims....then I woke up. CREEPY!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Forgiving is easy....

I'm hoping that this post doesn't offend anyone. I have been debating writing it for a couple of days now...

I keep having people tell me that God and forgiveness are the answers to my problems. This frustrates me terribly. It doesn't make me angry....just terrribly frustrated and sad.

I am not a religious person....don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete heretic or anything...I'm just more spiritual than formal about my beliefs. I believe that there are unseen forces in the universe that try to balance the good and bad....I believe in karma...which sometimes is my saving grace....because...forgiving is easy....it's forgetting that keeps knocking me down.

I have forgiven those that have hurt me....even my father. I know I post on here about still hurting because of him...but I haven't cut him out of my life. I have accepted that he is the way he is....and I love him to a fault despite the things he has put me through...But I can't forget...don't get me wrong. I would love to forget the feeling of ciggarettes burning my feet, or what it was like to try to sleep on the floor after getting hit with a belt.....I wish I could forget the shame and pain of being molested....raped....I have prayed for it....and...still....I can't forget.....my dreams/nightmares won't let me....

And then there are the flashbacks.......I have come a long way with them....I have learned to feint quite a bit of normalcy afterwards...I don't dissolve into a puddle....or panic attack post-flashback...I have been having them quite a bit more since starting school. A friend in class the other day asked if I was okay..."You looked like you were completely gone there for a minute," they said. I wasn't alright. I came out of that one...heart racing, palms sweating...I blinked a few times, tried to slow my breathing, "yeah, just spaced out. Soooo tired, work kicked my ass today," I replied. I had been in the middle of a flashback: Oct. 31, 2003...the delta chi Halloween party...

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Running out....

Still waiting for my first paycheck. Not so much fun. We're pretty much out of food that has any real nutritional value. I have about a quarter tank of gas left (and two weeks of commuting left before payday). So....we're going MUSHROOM HUNTING!!

I really hope there are some out, though I don't think that the weather has been (1) wet enough and (2) humid enough.....but one can pray.

Class on Wednesday was a mess. That girl who spouted nonsense about "cutters," once again got under my skin. We were broke up into small groups to discuss ethical issue in counseling minors. For the first part we had to come up with five questions to have other groups answer. My stupid a$$ volunteered to be the secretary and write our questions. This girl completely dominated the group! She wouldn't let anyone else voice an opinion.

About halfway through the professor walked through to see how everyone was doing. She paused at our group and asked how we were coming. I just kind of looked at her, trying to suppress my anger. She did the"counselor thing"....like she knew what I was thinking.

"You doing okay," she asked.

I just kind of sighed and shook my head while rolling my eyes.

"What's going on?"

"I just don't wanna me here," I said, kind of looking around....

"Burnt out?"

"I just wanna go home"

She kind of looked at me wide eyed and glanced at the girl, to which I nodded.

This woman is amazing at reading people. I hope someday to be that good.

So after finishing writing what "the girl" dictated, while the rest of the group gave up trying to participate, we traded with another group to answer their questions.

So we get to this question: "When, if ever, is it appropriate to diagnose minors with disorders?"....The group consensus was that is wasn't, but the girl pretty much told us we were all stupid and that it happens all the time. I tried to argue, but this girl is like talking to a brick wall. In her world she's always right and no one else knows what they are talking about.

I told her in the next DSM that you won't even be able to diagnose someone with many disorders until they are 18....which you're not supposed to do in this edition, but is isn't "forbidden", per se. I asked her how it is ethical to diagnose someone who isn't even cognitively mature with something that may label them for the rest of their life? How can we be sure that they truly aren't just mimicking symptoms they are seeing withing the family system? And how can we use criterion to diagnose a disease that was developed for use with adults? How is that remotely ethical??

She completely dismissed me. Everything that came out of her mouth after that was completely one/short-sided. She all but told me I don't have a clue what I'm talking about, and that I must be naive. I'M SORRY FOR HAVING AN OPINION! I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WE WERE TO DISCUSS THE ETHICS OF THESE ISSUES, NOT WHAT REALLY HAPPENS!! I am not naive! I know kids get diagnosed all the time! That does NOT make it ethical!!!

I already have such a hard time opening my mouth in class. I feel like an idiot half of the time because I don't have much field experience. After class I felt like crap. Had a discussion with a smoker, post-class. He knows I'm a cutter....or at least that I have been. Vented my frustration with him about "the girl." He agreed that she is a short-sighted witch that likes to hear herself talk and make herself feel better by negating everyone else's opinion. I felt better knowing that I wasn't just being thin skinned. That I wasn't the only one that saw how she interacted in class. Now...how do I deal with that??

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Letting them in....

Why do I have such a hard time letting people in?
Would it be so terrible if they knew me....the real me?
Would they judge?
Would they care?

Tonight I had class...and as usual...triggering.

It was a practice exercise for Narrative therapy. We had to pair up and "discuss" a problem. I couldn't make myself open up. I made up something about being anxious at my new job. Faked a smile as my partner tried to relate, all the while my insides were screaming, "Run! Hide! Don't you dare! They cannot know anything!!" While other parts of me were quietly pleading, "This is it....just ask for help....let something slip....you know you need to let someone in.....it's lonely in here."

I'm terrified to let anyone know what I deal with on a daily basis. The internal chaos. My self-worth fleeting....the "feeling" and "rational" in constant battle.

Somehow suicide came up in the "smoker's group" on break....if they only knew how my whole body screamed inside when this topic was brought up. I have come so close......I have been suicidal....was suicidal for many years. I'm not now, but I'm not a far cry from being there again. I like to be wanted...needed...but I allow myself to be used...which reinforces all the negative thoughts about myself...others using me...tells me that I'm disposable....only as good as I'm needed.....

Saturday, April 10, 2010


.....of my "men" issues.....

my father.

Freud would be so proud.

Today I had an "A-ha!" moment. I don't trust my father....and therefore...don't trust men.

This really didn't smack me in the face until I relocated to Isolationsville where he's been a proud and outstanding citizen for the past 15-some years. In the past 6-odd months I have seen just how unreliable he is....and I slowly....and reluctantly....it all tied together and is starting to make sense.

I spent my whole childhood waiting on him.

When my parent's split, my father got every-other weekend visitation rights. He was to come and get me at 6pm on Friday of his weekend and return me Sunday at 6pm.

I remember one time...I was maybe 2 or 3....sitting in my little rocking chair in front of the living room window with my little red "going to Gramma's house" suitcase all packed, waiting for him to show up...I waited and waited...and waited.........and cried. I refused to eat supper. I was afraid to leave the window....I was afraid that if I left he wouldn't come. He didn't. He didn't even call.

I remember one weekend he actually showed up. I was little. He left me with his crazy second wife...and went to work. He was suppose to get off at midnight. I waited for him to come home and kiss me good-night. I wanted my daddy so bad. Crazy second wife was having a party...everything was so loud...this memory feels like chaos....I just wanted my daddy....I cried myself to sleep...

He wasn't there to stop my abusers....he didn't even notice that he was returning me to my mother with cigarette burns on my feet....or belt bruises on my back....he wasn't there to stop that man from molesting me and Tracy...

As I got older I invited him to music performances, musicals I was in, extra-curricular activities....I remember so many times wondering if he'd show up....if he'd remember me....prove to me that I was important to him....sometimes I was...other times he "forgot".....something he said often in my childhood.

This trend has been unyielding.

Since I have moved to the town where he happily resides, nothing has changed. I am now in my 20's and still cannot count on him...don't feel like I am important to him....wonder if I mean anything to him....and just want to be able to count on him to do what he says he will....but I can't...I wait, and wait.....and wait....and he still never shows up.

So there's this one guy....

I feel so retarded about what I'm about to admit...please don't laugh.

So, a few months ago, I started e-mailing/facebooking this guy I met on a dating site. We seem really compatible. He was/is a band geek...played professionally for a few years...I was completely devoted to music for most of my public school education: took classical vocal lessons for years, did musicals, choirs, competitions, learned the french horn freshman year....music was my life's joy.

Now, this guy is in medical school, so we are able to bond over the stresses of school and achieving our dreams in helping others. We met a few months ago and he was great. I was a complete nervous mess, of course, but we talked for a couple hours straight...

Since then, we have both been pretty busy with school, but we still chit-chat via Internet. And I'm thinking to myself...he's way too perfect...he's sweet, and makes me smile...I really would like to see if there is something there, but I have no clue if he's thinking the same, so I always stop myself...I always chicken out.

I don't feel like I deserve someone like him: he is kind, career minded, wants kids, has his shit together and isn't carrying around his weight in baggage. He's the opposite of every guy I have ever been attracted to....not to mention I feel like a damn fool for crushing on someone I have only met once....He's just always in the back of my mind...He's the type of guy I imagined myself with "when I grew up"....and as hard as I try to push those thoughts away and keep myself from getting my hopes up and ending up hurt.....he's still in my thoughts.

Deep down I know I do deserve happiness. I deserve to be with someone who is great...I deserve to be with a guy who wants things in life and isn't afraid to go for them....or maybe I don't. I don't know. I have pounced on the self-destruct button in relationships in the past with really great guys....maybe being alone is my punishment for hurting men in the past?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


Went and got my physical for work yesterday. My blood pressure was high...but both of the male nurses and the doctor were completely hot, so it was no suprise. Plus I forgot to wear long sleeves to cover scars so I was a complete nervous wreck. I thought things went well. He signed my paper for work...and on the way out....he, out of the blue, asked if I was left handed....and that was it...that was the last thing he said before he left and I went to pay....

It didn't hit me until I got in the car...I got the hell out of there quick.

I had ethics tonight. We talked about "duty to warn"....somehow the issue of cutting came up in class....it was in the notes, and I thought it would be mentioned in passing....but it became a whole discussion...and it was all I could do to remember to breath...

The teacher opened with, "Have any of you had experience with cutting? Raise you hands if you have.".....Other's raised their hands....so I followed suit, trying not to make eye contact.

This one girl in class started talking...and by the time she quit I felt about two inches tall and wanted to slap the hell out of her. She spouted every cliche on the books about cutters....it was so ridiculous. No one in that class has a clue.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Where does time go when you lose it?

My first week at the new job went well. I still don't have a sitter, but a family member has said she will watch the kiddo until other arrangements can be made. I still don't know what I will be making at this job, but I think it will get my foot in the door with the organization that runs the job site for a practicum spot...so at the moment...I will just pray that it is enough to help, but not screw.

I have no idea where the weekend went. I suppose that is another joy of working again (even if I do like my job) the weekends seem to fly by, leaving you breathless on Sunday night asking, "WTF? Where did it all go?"

Instead of writing a four page paper on feminist theory, I made three pairs of baby booties, a hat, and a bonnet...and no, I am not pregnant...I only wish...I have noticed that crocheting makes my mind focus on something other than the constant storm in between my ears. I did read a bunch of articles on the topic of the paper tonight, and started the paper...it's just far from being finished...

There is one thing that has me pretty excited...Tornado/storm season has officially begun, YAY! I'm sure this makes me sound madder than I am. I just really find mother nature in all her furry...truly beautiful. I love photographing storms coming in...and someday I will get a shot of a tornado...I just know it.

No weird dreams this weekend. I know I dreamed...and they were strange...but nothing that I could hold onto once I awoke.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

My mind is reeling---dream update

Little after 1 in the morning:

I'm still half asleep...so you will forgive me if I don't spell things well. I just had a dream that I woke up from crying....and I want to get this down before I forget it.

In my dream I was at my BFF's (my real one) birthday party somewhere in the mountains on this beautiful lake. She had her party on these floating docks. There were like 20 or so of them. You could jump from one to the other. In the distance, on the shore of the lake was this big blue building that was all lit up and appeared to have a giant marti gras mask on the front of it.

I took a date (who was actually this guy I dated in like middle school...weird thing #1). So, she invited a bunch of people I didn't know. And they were all these really beautiful, uppity people. The kind you always...or maybe I always....wanted to hang out with in HS, but didn't cause I always made an ass of myself when they were around.

Anyway. Everyone ended up leaving when me and my date showed up. My BFF was really upset and down that everyone left so we all three got trashed (her dad was there too....odd thing #2) and then decided to go somewhere for food (???)...I think....which was down the mountain....down a really twisty crazy road. My BFF didn't end up going....and when we got back, everyone from earlier was back. Me and my date, who by this time was the actor David Boreanaz...overheard these three girls and two gay guys talking about what trash I was and how they were glad I was gone. I confronted them...and they tore me down to my face. One girl even spit in my face! I ended up getting back in the car (still trashed)....and drive this crazy windy road to the top of the mountain. David Boreanaz chasing me in another car. I get to the top....by this time I am feeling completely depressed, worthless, suicidal....and I am about to jump when I woke up.

What does it mean???