the pit of my stomach....

Went to a meeting about practicum tonight. I don't think I'm going to be able to do it.....so not great.....I don't think I'm going to be able to start this spring like I had planned. Now that I have a full time job and insurance....I can't afford to let those things go. Practicum would mean 7+ more hours per week of work in another setting (a clinical one with clients). I can barely afford daycare now, yet alone, evening care. I would be looking at working roughly 8-5 at my current job plus doing practicum hours after that. I just can't see doing that to my child....being away from her more than I am....and I am a single mom, so it's not like I have anyone I can depend on....

My anxiety is out of control over this realization. I really don't know what to do. Eventually I will have to give up my job....but I will need part-time employment....or at least more flexible hours, which I don't have the luxury of at the current position....

I need sleep....I need release....

Dread

So I have finally found a therapist....I think I have....I haven't met him yet....not really keen on seeing a dude, but whatever. He is taking new patients...

I e-mailed him and he called me back the next day. I got my insurance cards finally. As of Monday I will be fully insured...but who knows if they will authorize a mental health visit.

I described to him my anxiety....leaving "little" details out....more of a summary than the nitty-gritty. If he works out, I'm sure I will trust him enough to tell him all my dirty little secrets.

My anxiety is rolling. Taking over. I fear getting in to the parking lot for my first visit and chickening out. I fear him opening the door and me having a panic attack right then and there. I fear he will feel he cannot help me. I fear this whole experience and all the unknowable that goes along with it.

"Life can only be understood backward..." ---Soren Kierlegaard

Just checking in with blogger land.

This week was hell in a handbasket two sizes too small. Started it off with kidney stones, then hyperextended my knee, and finished the week off with two days of puking....all on top of overwhelming anxiety and ever-deepening depression. Anyone care to join me in saying, this officially sucks?

One more week until I have insurance, but I haven't gotten my cards in the mail, so my mind if racing over that. What if they didn't file the paper work? What if they lost it? Will I have to wait another two months? Will I make it through the stress of the holidays without losing it? I am cutting three times a week at least, just to keep a level head....just to be able to function....I can't wait another two months...I just can't....

"The truth about childhood is stored up in our body and lives in the depth of our soul. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings can be numbed and manipulated, our perception shamed and confused, our bodies tricked with medications. But our soul never forgets."

--Alice Miller, Swiss psychologist

.....pathetic......

Took the day off today. We'll call it a mental health day....but I'm not so sure it helped....I just needed a little more healing time, really....

I went to class tonight. We had a midterm.....easy.....

Found out that I aced my midterm last week. Surprised by that as I have not read the book, nor did I study....its so strange to me that while the rest of me--my self esteem, self image, emotional well-being---is going down the tube, my academic life isn't....and it's not like I try.

That's the way it has always been though....I shouldn't be surprised....back in college "part one"....I was completely and totally suicidal and my GPA was as good as it had ever been....all I did was show up...take the tests....write the papers hours before they were due....and my grades never faltered....weird....

Felt a bit nostalgic tonight. Trying to remember a time where I didn't feel completely alone....didn't feel like I had the weight of the world on my chest crushing me.....ironically....I was in therapy....at college "part one"....through their psych services. I had a really great counselor. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I could tell all without judgement, but rather with genuine acceptance and understanding.

So...I found him on FB....and said hi and thanked him. I didn't let on that I'm circling the drain once again....compared to back then, when he knew me, my life is much more normal....I'm not out drinking every night...I'm not doing every drug in sight....I'm not looking for love in all the wrong places...on the outside, things have changed so much....but inside....I'm still f*!$ed up..

I wanted so bad to reach out to him. Ask if he could recommend someone. Let him know that I needed help again. Instead, I bragged on the fact that I am in grad school....going into counseling...

Sitting here, I could almost cry....am about to cry.....but I must not....my child is still awake...I don't want to worry her....I cannot do that to her....

I am about to implode....I need to relieve the pressure....I need....I've given up with trying to resist....it serves its purpose....

I miss being understood....I miss trusting someone.....

10-10-10

Hopeless

Alone

Voiceless

Lonely

Unheard

Empty

Take your pick....this is where I'm at right now. I have completely and totally relapsed....there is no denying it now....the best I can try to do is hide it until I find a safe place....

My head is in overdrive....Nothing I ate today stayed down....I'm swimming in a nauseous panic....I have lost control.....

I have to eat OTC sleeping meds. like candy just to get to sleep, but they make my worst fears come to life in my head. Sleep is no refuge....I have no refuge....

Work again tomorrow....the show begins all over again....pretty smile, painted face, perfect coiffure....

no name, no face, no title

I am sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I haven't felt like doing anything lately. I feel like I'm just being sucked into nothingness. I feel like a shell of myself. And I have been having the most wretched dreams. I have "the dream" about every night, but also others....very vivid...almost always about my illness.....if that's what you can call it.

I want to seek help, I know I need to seek it, but I am completely terrified of people in my life finding out. I have worked so hard....putting what little energy I have into "appearances"....they think of me what I want them to think....they think I am the person I only wish I was. I have finally found success at something...and while it makes me happy in the moment....I'm never truly happy.

The countdown until my insurance has kicked in. I will try to find a therapist....I will try to actually go to the appointment....but my anxiety is so bad....just thinking about sitting in an awkward lobby waiting for them to call my name....knowing that everyone there knows why I'm there....It makes my palms sweat and heart race.....and then there's the fear that the counselor won't get it....that they will have no experience.....not understand my illness....and will try and commit me...

Technically they could....based on the external....without knowledge of the illness they may assume I'm suicidal....I can't afford that to happen....financially or emotionally...that would destroy me....

Of course....I don't have to tell them about it...

I don't know what to do.....or even how to bring it up....I don't know.....and I hate not knowing....

On another note, I have to create a researched brochure about an illness for class....I think I may have mentioned it....well...settled on the topic: Self harm....and I'm terrified that someone in my program will put two and two together. The plus is that I don't have to present until winter, so long sleeves won't be so awkward....and no one really knows me in class....except that "one girl"....you know the one who thinks she knows it all about everything....yeah, she's in my class too. YAY! :(

She was being rather nice to me until last week when her and the girl sitting next to her (ironically I sit on the other side of that girl....again...YAY! *:(*) started passing notes....I was definitely a topic...and she spelled my name wrong...I wish I'd had the balls to tell her, "Oh passing notes! How retro of you! But my name has a "U" in it, thanks."