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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

“Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.” Arthur Somer

Another mind draining night of class. I usually enjoy classes...this one was nearly 5 hours of research methods....trying to concentrate, understand, apply statistical concepts to hypothetical research proposals.....not my cup of tea. I would rather scoop my eyes out with a spork than become a researcher. Guess a doctoral program is out of the question for my future. Oh well.

I feel so numb. I waited too long. Now I'm stuck. Going through the motions. Overloaded with emotions to the point of deadness. I tried. I tried to wait it out. I wasn't strong enough.

On a positive note, I slept well.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

"Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again" --Tori Amos

I'm back....

Yeah, I'm still fucked up. Still having a mad love affair with self-loathing and self destruction...

Sadly that is my only sense of security at the moment...maybe that's why I'm back.

I'll give you the short of it...things are pretty fucked up, which I'm sure you guessed...

My job...still doing the pre-school teacher gig. The insurance is great. The co-workers are great. The job security...well...not so secure. The powers that be decided to screw with us all, not renewing the lease on our humble abode last summer and not looking for a new one until the first of this year, leaving us all wondering whether or not to find new employment....for THE PAST SIX MONTHS! At first it was, "oh, don't worry, we'll take care of everyone" now it's "well, maybe we will"....now it's "I think we can".....and our lease runs out in 34 days! So...yeah....I may be out of a job. FUN!

Started seeing a therapist again (just in time to be without insurance!!). Really liked her....then not so much...now....I really want to like her. She knows of the SI-ing. Didn't freak. Came up with a "game plan." We tried it....and.... let's just say Family Systems Therapy over a lunch break...not really a great idea. And now she wants to try DBT. So...I'm pretty sure I'm getting written off as Borderline....which...I suppose there are worse things...but I'm fairly sure I do not have BPD.

Considering I nearly had the first panic attack in years in her office because she was having me "look inside myself" and try to see the small child inside and ask her why she feels worthless, weak, used, sad, etc....the flashback literally took my breath away....I'm guessing PTSD or some form of that is a much closer approximation of what's going on "inside;" why I hurt myself, why I'm anxious all the time, why I don't trust....etc....etc....

School has been going great until this semester. I'm doing my practicum....or at least I'm trying. I have to have 100 hours of indirect and direct client contact hours and it's not happening. I also am supposed to have 4 videos of me working with a client in a session...which of course isn't happening because the hours aren't happening. It's just one giant circular cluster fuck, to be honest....and I'm pay for it...literally, and with what little sanity I have left.

So here I am. I'm back. Sitting here. Feeling at the end of my rope. Haven't slept more than two hours at a time in the past four days. My eye twitching from stress. Electric anxiety coursing through my body. Words escaping me. My mind screaming for disassociation and taking me there against my will. So terribly urgy that I am holding my security. Shredding paper into tiny pieces. Wish to be the paper. Trying to deny the urge. But knowing that I won't win tonight.....but at least I will sleep.