Okay, so the one really cool/curious thing that I got out of class this summer was to get the pleasure/annoyance of taking the MMPI-2. For anyone that has never heard of it, you can learn more here: http://psychcorp.pearsonassessments.com/HAIWEB/Cultures/en-us/Productdetail.htm?Pid=MMPI-2
Basically it's a personality assessment that was normed for clinical populations (think live-in mental health facilities). I thought I would post the scales that were either higher than normal or lower than normal. Anyone wanna take a stab at interpreting my results??
Validity scale:
Fb: 83
L: 33 (below average)
S: 34 (below average)
Clinical scales:
D: 70
Pd: 81
Mf: 47 (below average)
Pt: 72
Sc: 72
Ma: 65
Si: 66
Content scales:
Anx: 76
Frs: 43 (below average)
Dep: 73
Ang: 68
Sod: 72
Fam: 68
Wrk: 65
Trt: 69
Supplementary scales:
Es: 39 (below average)
Do: 42 (below average)
Re: 41 (below average)
Mt: 74
PK: 67
MDS: 68
O-H: 37 (below average)
AAS: 73
GM: 43 (below average)
PSY-5 scales:
AGGR: 44 (below average)
NEGE: 68
Harris-Lingoes Subscales (gender normed):
Subjective Depression (D1): 75
Mental Dullness (D4): 70
Brooding (D5): 68
Familial Discord (Pd1): 80
Social Alienation (Pd4): 65
Self-Alienation (Pd5): 68
Social Alientaion (Sc1): 65
Psychomotor Acceleration (Ma2): 65
Social Introversion Subscales (gender normed):
Social Avoidance (Si2): 69
Content Component Scales (gender normed):
Lack of drive (DEP1): 70
Dysphoria (DEP2): 66
Self-Depreciation (DEP3): 75
Suicidal Ideation (DEP4): 93
Irritability (ANG2): 65
Self-Doubt (LSE1): 66
Introversion (SOD1): 70
Shyness (SOD2): 65
Familial Alienation (FAM2): 68
Inability to Disclose (TRT2): 68
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Sinking feeling....
I feel like I'm in the midst of a panic attack. I'm so ready to move back to civilization and get the hell away from my step family and their abuse. I keep getting this feeling in my gut that I'm going to come home after work one day to find that she's burned down my house, changed the locks, or sold all my things.
It seems that now that I'm no longer doing what the step mother wants, I'm of no use to her and I'm back to being a second-class citizen. I wanted so badly to believe that step mom really wanted a relationship. I was so ready to believe that the only reason she treated me like shit for...well...the entire time I have known her, was because she was upset that my dad was cheating on her. I was so ready to forgive and try not to hold it against her; move forward.
I don't know what hurts more: the fact that I really wanted her to accept me like my father has accepted her children, or the fact that I, once again, allowed myself to get used, and now I look...and feel like the bad guy, even though I know I'm did what was best for me and mine; I put myself out there to help someone--family--and now that I need someone on my side, someone to comfort, help, listen to, and have my back, I'm left out in the cold.
And all I want is for my dad to tell her to back off, get her head on straight, leave me the hell alone, point out the fact that he has helped raise her children and this is the first time I've ever asked or needed their help, or stand up to her in anyway. I mean, I have lost a lot of respect for him this last year, with finding out that he's been cheating on her for the last 10-odd years. He hurt everyone doing that. But she's been putting him through hell all year. Either get help putting the marriage back together...which I'm not sure there ever was a marriage....or just leave her.
I'm to the point that once I get move, I really don't want anything to do with this mess anymore. I mean, I love my dad. Sadly, I really do, but if this is how he wants to live, that is his decision. I don't want any part of it. I am tired of trying to build a bridge only to have his psycho wife throw cannonballs at it every time she feels insecure. Fuck 'em. They can have each other. He doesn't understand how much it hurt me to say it, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm always the one to get sidelined or hurt when he can't take care of his business. I'm always number 2...or 3....or 4....or 5....I've never been even remotely at the top of his priority list. And it's probably better to cut my losses now, because I don't think I could handle it if he ends up dying before that woman. I know he's never thought about it, but I would have nothing but bad memories to remember him by if that happens...not a cowboy hat, jacket, nothing. She would make sure of that. I think it's better to erase him from my mind and my daughter's now; start building wall instead of bridges.
It seems that now that I'm no longer doing what the step mother wants, I'm of no use to her and I'm back to being a second-class citizen. I wanted so badly to believe that step mom really wanted a relationship. I was so ready to believe that the only reason she treated me like shit for...well...the entire time I have known her, was because she was upset that my dad was cheating on her. I was so ready to forgive and try not to hold it against her; move forward.
I don't know what hurts more: the fact that I really wanted her to accept me like my father has accepted her children, or the fact that I, once again, allowed myself to get used, and now I look...and feel like the bad guy, even though I know I'm did what was best for me and mine; I put myself out there to help someone--family--and now that I need someone on my side, someone to comfort, help, listen to, and have my back, I'm left out in the cold.
And all I want is for my dad to tell her to back off, get her head on straight, leave me the hell alone, point out the fact that he has helped raise her children and this is the first time I've ever asked or needed their help, or stand up to her in anyway. I mean, I have lost a lot of respect for him this last year, with finding out that he's been cheating on her for the last 10-odd years. He hurt everyone doing that. But she's been putting him through hell all year. Either get help putting the marriage back together...which I'm not sure there ever was a marriage....or just leave her.
I'm to the point that once I get move, I really don't want anything to do with this mess anymore. I mean, I love my dad. Sadly, I really do, but if this is how he wants to live, that is his decision. I don't want any part of it. I am tired of trying to build a bridge only to have his psycho wife throw cannonballs at it every time she feels insecure. Fuck 'em. They can have each other. He doesn't understand how much it hurt me to say it, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm always the one to get sidelined or hurt when he can't take care of his business. I'm always number 2...or 3....or 4....or 5....I've never been even remotely at the top of his priority list. And it's probably better to cut my losses now, because I don't think I could handle it if he ends up dying before that woman. I know he's never thought about it, but I would have nothing but bad memories to remember him by if that happens...not a cowboy hat, jacket, nothing. She would make sure of that. I think it's better to erase him from my mind and my daughter's now; start building wall instead of bridges.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Fuck Family....at least this side
Yes, blogger world, I am still alive and kicking....notice how I didn't say sane.
I decided to take summer courses, and have been kicking my own ass all summer for that stupid, stupid, STUPID decision. I did my undergrad work in 8 week courses, so I thought, what the hell, right? WRONG!
They end on Wednesday. I will have to fill you in on my summer adventure later because I have another, more pressing rant and rave right now.
FUCK MY FAMILY!!! or more particularly....my evil step mother.
I stopped caring for step grandma and grandpa in January. I moved to nowheresville to help them out. I ruined my car to help them out. They didn't pay me for the first two months I worked for them, didn't pay me for the last month I worked for them. When they did pay me, it wasn't even minimun wage and I was working like 50-60 hours a week. Not to mention they moved me into one of their rental properties, where I spent about a grand making it liveable, and there is still a leak in the roof that has created mold that is taking over one of the rooms!!!
So I go out to the parent's house last night for "family dinner" and she jumped my ass about having stopped paying rent in March!
Okay, call me crazy....don't worry I have called myself that many, many times so you won't offend....but not only do they owe ME money, but I'm their fucking daughter who relocated for THEM. I have been a complete nervous, depressed messed since I moved away from my friend and support network. I am still catching up on bills from the months they short changed me, AND I had to buy a new (12 year old) car this month because I ruined mine this winter driving out to the middle of BFE through the snow drifts to watch the old ones, so that she could make it to work. Not to mention the fact that they paid for BOTH of my step-sisters college education and living expenses. Do I owe her??
I decided to take summer courses, and have been kicking my own ass all summer for that stupid, stupid, STUPID decision. I did my undergrad work in 8 week courses, so I thought, what the hell, right? WRONG!
They end on Wednesday. I will have to fill you in on my summer adventure later because I have another, more pressing rant and rave right now.
FUCK MY FAMILY!!! or more particularly....my evil step mother.
I stopped caring for step grandma and grandpa in January. I moved to nowheresville to help them out. I ruined my car to help them out. They didn't pay me for the first two months I worked for them, didn't pay me for the last month I worked for them. When they did pay me, it wasn't even minimun wage and I was working like 50-60 hours a week. Not to mention they moved me into one of their rental properties, where I spent about a grand making it liveable, and there is still a leak in the roof that has created mold that is taking over one of the rooms!!!
So I go out to the parent's house last night for "family dinner" and she jumped my ass about having stopped paying rent in March!
Okay, call me crazy....don't worry I have called myself that many, many times so you won't offend....but not only do they owe ME money, but I'm their fucking daughter who relocated for THEM. I have been a complete nervous, depressed messed since I moved away from my friend and support network. I am still catching up on bills from the months they short changed me, AND I had to buy a new (12 year old) car this month because I ruined mine this winter driving out to the middle of BFE through the snow drifts to watch the old ones, so that she could make it to work. Not to mention the fact that they paid for BOTH of my step-sisters college education and living expenses. Do I owe her??
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