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Thursday, August 23, 2012

"Am I lost, or just less found" -C .S. Lewis

So, it's been a while. Not the longest break I've taken from Bloggerland, but I do apologize for my absence.....not that I'm sure anyone noticed, or cared....

My life....oh geez, where do I start?

Classes are back in full swing. The director that did my entrance interview has left, and will be very much missed. I really hope that I can stay in touch with her. I really admire and respect her, and she really seems to care about people, and understand that darkness that threatens to swallow some....like she's been there. The new director....I don't know her. She seems nice enough, but I hope to fly below her radar and make it out of the tunnel my life has become.....I just hope that the tunnel doesn't lead to the end of a cliff...

Remember my former T? The one who had to stop seeing me because his supervisor wanted to sit in, and I refused because she was going to be one of my professors this semester? She had told him that she wasn't going to be teaching this fall...in hopes that, that would allow her to observe, I suppose. Well.....guess who is my last class instructor?? You got it. She is. *insert expletive name calling here* Once again, my instincts--not to trust--haven't failed me. It just really hurts that, of all people in the world to lose my trust, it was someone who should always be trustworthy. Someone who, if in the profession for the right reasons, is devoted to building people up, not tearing them down.

I am still seeing the new T. I have been totally open and honest with her. She is a very kind, caring soul, though I'm still not convinced that there is any hope that I will ever be whole....ever feel peace....contentment....ever be cured of my darkness....

I'm still dating Bob. He really has become a wonderful beacon of hope in my life. Like...maybe I'm not forsaken....I'm still struggling with accepting the goodness he brings into my life. My heart and mind in constant conflict, but he's not afraid of my demons.

I am also trying something else new. I have started going to church. *shock, horror!* I know, I surprised myself....and by the fact that I didn't spontaneously combust upon entering the sanctuary. I've, now, been to two Sunday services and a single mom's small group, and although anxiety inducing (the church is quite large)...the messages touched my heart. I'm still struggling....angry with God....hate myself....feel unworthy....unloved....tested to the point of self-destruction...This whole experience is very difficult.

I feel out of my comfort-zone. "Exposed", to quote a good friend....During the services I have attended I felt vulnerable, emotionally moved to the point of losing it....which plays on my fear of both being found out for the bat-shit, crazy woman I am, and of drawing attention to myself in a room of....oh, 500 (?) or so people. I e-mailed the women's ministry about a mentoring program the church has, in hopes of being able to connect with someone who might be able to help guide me, help me understand....accept....I don't know...find spiritual contentment?