??????Preview?? | ??Get the Code?? ?? ?????????????????Crystal Drops? ????? ?? ???Rating: 4.2 (47 Ratings)??3193 Grabs Today. 29411 Total Grabs. ??????Preview?? | ??Get the Code?? ? BLOGGER TEMPLATES AND TWITTER BACKGROUNDS ?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

post session mess

My head is reeling. My heart is pounding. I want to cry and throw up and disappear. I can't handle all this at once. This is why I don't open up. Why I build my walls too tall for anyone to care to climb. It hurts to remember. It hurts to talk. This is my biggest fear. The flood gates opening and me without a boat. That gate has sprung a leak....and I can't even handle that.

I told my therapist. About the abusive boyfriend, alcoholic/abusive parents....about being attacked at college "part one." It's like reliving it all over again. Telling him about the latter....was excruciating...I was instantly nauseous....the whole time I had my keys in my hoodie pocket wishing they were sharper. I didn't even tell him about the abuse when I was little.

I can't handle this emotional overload....he asked me not to cut....I don't think I can honor that. I have to be functional tomorrow...at least more functional than I am now. I'm trapped in my head. Memories flooding my senses.....terror, pain, fear.........my daughter kept trying to talk to me and I completely space out. I don't even hear her. Which just adds fuel to the fire for the asshole voice in my head.

I'm not strong enough.

"It's hard to see the pain behind the mask...

...Bearing the burden of the secret storm."

-Martina McBride

Yesterday was exhausting. Today isn't much better. I have this knot in my stomach. I'm so anxious I'm nauseous. I feel like something is sitting on my chest. I am so lonely and yet I think I would recoil at the slightest touch. I don't feel worthy. I hate myself.

I skipped class last night. My daughter's been sick. So I stayed home to take care of her. Not that I felt like going. Being around those people....too many eyes. Too much potential for judgement. Not that I haven't said to myself anything they could possibly be thinking.

I got up this morning and took the kiddo to school. Then came home and crawled back into bed. I lack all motivation to do anything. I can't eat....I can't even sleep. I lay in bed and space out. Stare at the ceiling. That voice takes over. Beats me when I'm down.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

"I walk a lonely road, The only one I have ever known...

...Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone"

--Green Day

I'm sitting here waiting for class to start. I am my usual 45 minutes early. I hate being late. It makes me panic. I get to sit here in silence with no expectations before everyone gets here. It should be peaceful, but my head is not my friend right now.

I am still waiting on my paycheck and haven't paid all of last months bills because of this. Panic inducing. My teacher commented on my "out of it"-ness in response to my Practicum journal for last week. Panic inducing. I have to visit the new practicum site tomorrow. Panic inducing. I don't know where said site is located exactly. Terror inducing. I will be meeting people I don't know...surrounded by them....all day tomorrow....My worst nightmare!

My head if racing with "what if's". What if they don't like me? What if I get lost? What if I make a fool of myself? What if...what if....what if....

Also...that asshole voice is basically confirming all of these thoughts..."They won't like you. You're a freak. You're a mess. They will see right through you. You are a fat slob. Why would anyone like you. You don't even like yourself. You're an idiot. You'll get lost and be late and they will hate you for it. They will think you don't care about the clinic. They will think you don't have your priorities straight. You will fail."

I spent most of the day in bed. My daughter was home sick and slept alot. I had to take her to her father's house so that I could come to school. Sadly, I can't say that I dislike leaving her with him. It gives me room to breathe....or attempt to. And of course to that thought the voice says "You're a shitty mother: pawning her off on someone else. You're so selfish."

I. Am. So. Tired!

My whole body feels as though burning electricity is coursing through it.

Monday, November 7, 2011

"Everything inside of my head, It all just goes to show how...

...Nothing I know changes me at all
Again I waited for this to change instead"

-Blink 182

So it's been a while. Not sure how long. Didn't stop to look before pressing that glorious "new post" button. It's been too long, I know.

Things have cycled through, much as I expected. The summer's nervous break/constant panic attack has bottomed out and with it my self-esteem, self-worth, and desire to wake up in the morning.

I'm seeing another therapist. I had to quit/was not given any other feasible option my job at the pre-school. Still kind of pissed about that one...not sure if I shared, so in brief:

After keeping us in limbo as to whether or not we'd even have a job by the end of the summer (it all started in January), they decided to shut down my center and offer me a job they knew I wouldn't be able to take because of the hours conflict with my school schedule. Someone told me that they just did that so they wouldn't have to pay unemployment when I had to turn down the position....I'm just bitter enough to agree.

So...with the loss of job....so went the insurance....and the therapist. Funny how that works, huh. I paid out of pocket for about a month....until I couldn't afford it anymore. $100/hour....that's almost my rent! Ridiculous. So...now I'm seeing someone new for free.

It's really a strange arrangement....he's the husband of the director of my grad program. He's also a graduate from that program and I had him in a couple of classes. We didn't really know each other well, but we had some conversations. It's a bit awkward...and I know it's only awkward because I make it so, but still.....

Anyhow, he wants me to journal. He doesn't understand the cutting thing. It freaks him out, quite frankly, which strikes me as both amusing (in an ironic sort of way) and also pretty fucking hopeless.

I am supposed to journal before and after incidents. It's weird...because I lose a chunk of time before. Which is really scary for this control freak. I suppose that means it serves it's purpose, right? I feel like shit....and then I don't. My brain blocks it out.

I wish that were it. I've been losing lots of time lately. I'm spacing out more and more. It happens when I get depressed like this. I get numb....space out....embrace the nothingness...get caught up in that asshole voice in my head....and I can't quite shake it right now. It's always there....looking to kick me when I screw up....and kick harder when I'm down.

I wish I could go back to the anxious part of this cycle. The decent to the bottom sucks.