Freaking out....

So freaked out right now. So, I've been seeing a T for a while now. I was referred to him by the head of my grad school program....unfortunately he's her husband, which makes me leery in being candidly honest with him....His supervisor is also a teacher in my program, who I haven't had yet (but will in the fall!), but haven't heard great things about her as a teacher or a therapist....

So today he texts. He wants to know if it's okay for his supervisor to sit in?!?! I asked if I was allowed to say no. He says he can't refuse, but I asked if I can. I do NOT want his supervisor in session. He told me she doesn't know my identity, which I hope I can trust, but why does she want to sit in? I don't know. He hasn't responded.

I was finally able to let down my guard with him in last weeks session....be honest with him.....I even cried, which for me is really hard to do in front of others. I felt raw after last session, wasn't sure if he gets it yet.....but thought we were making small steps forward....and now this....FUCK! I told him that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop....that I'm constantly on guard, hyper vigilant....waiting for the next blow. I don't think he realizes that if his supervisor sits in, and I say the wrong thing in session....I mean, she scheduled to be my teacher next semester! She could fail me......get me kicked out of the program....she has all the power over the one thing I have going for me right now.....

I'm a fucking fool for trusting....

***Update:
He texted back finally: "My supervisor said we could meet one last time to figure out where we want to go from here."

I'm so angry and hurt right now. It's like all possible fears I have about therapy are coming true all at once. I seemly dodged the bullet in having the supervisor sit in, but I have the feeling he's going to say he can't see me anymore. I took a chance and was finally open and honest....I sobbed in front of him....shared my darkest fears and secrets....and I have a feeling he's going to quit. This set the internal dialogue aflame...."No one can help you","You're too sick, there is no hope","He's disgusted with you....you're so disgusting".....I feel so much shame.....shame that I let down a wall....shame that I trusted.....on top of the shame of this illness....

"It is hopelessness, even more than pain, that crushes the soul"---William Styron

Had a couple really rough days. Couldn't find peace in numbness. Had a meeting with my T on Thursday. Walked out of the session with no hope, especially after he said he wasn't sure how to help me....my response..."I'm beginning to realize that no one can..." I feel like the walking dead. Nothing brings me joy anymore.

My ex had been trying to be helpful. Trying to find things to do. Brought over the Xbox so I could play rock band. Brought over a bunch of movies for me to watch. He's been very attentive. Very kind. But I don't feel worthy. I don't want his kindness. I know he cares for me, but not in the way that I'd wish. I don't think he'll ever settle down....commit to anything....anyone....especially not me. And who could blame him. I'm broken.....a mess....

My self injury has taken a turn for the worse. I can't sleep. I wake every two hours again. Exhausted....panicked...feeling like I can't breathe, like the world is tilting. I am fearful of running out of my herbal supplement. It has been a blessing. At least keeping me numb enough to function....go in public when need be...without panic....without fear.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have no memory of my life. It seems that life would me much simpler if I could just start fresh. I wish I believed in reincarnation.....or had some faith that theory.