Self

Who am I?

I think this is a question everyone, either consciously or subconsciously asks themselves. How many have answers? How did they get those answers? Where was I the day those answers were taught??

My therapist said something to me this week that is resonating in my head.....bouncing around, taunting...."I don't think you will be able to be happy until you know who you are....until you have a sense of self."

What do you even say to a statement like that??

I attempted to reply. I mentioned being a student, a future therapist. She stopped me. Apparently there is a difference between an identity and a self.

I. am. confused.

It seems to me that the two words are interchangeable. Are they not? How I identify myself.....wouldn't that be both my identity and sense of self? A man is not an island. It would seem to me how a person sees himself or herself has a lot to do with who they are, or what function they have, to others and their perceptions of whether or not that function gives them pleasure or pain.

Now that being said. I understand that maybe there is some dissonance with parts of myself because not every identity....not every part of my life is perfect....and I'm a control freak;a perfectionist...self-admitted. Isn't there some part in everyone's life that they aren't happy with?

I am thinking that the real deficiency I have is in how I manage that dissonance....not that I have no sense of self, but that my sense of self is distorted by having gone through trauma....going through painful, violent, degrading, demoralizing trauma. That I know who I am....and at the core...I do. But that my ability to see that self as good....as being worthy.....is constantly being overshadowed by ghosts of my past telling me and showing me that I am not good.....I am not worthy....causing me to doubt....myself....god....life...everything. To say I have trust issues is an understatement. How can I possibly trust others, if I cannot trust myself? But...I trust in others more than I trust myself, which is probably why I am still functioning even though I am in pain.

I am a good mother.

I love....with all my heart...

I am a good listener

I am kind

I am generous

I try to be, and mostly succeed at embodying all the things I find value in, all the characteristics that want to be.....it's the times that I slip....the times that I fail to be a good mother, be a good listener, be kind, be generous.....it's those times, that my psyche beats the hell out of me. Drags me down. Mentally.....physically....psychologically....

And I can rationalize....use DBT worksheets.....see the irrationality of what my psyche is telling me....but it is a constant battle between head and heart....and....

I. Am. Tired.

Theme Song

So the guy I am "dating" is still acting odd. I think the reality of my life, my complicated, busy life finally hit him after two months of dating....and apparently he's not the great guy I thought he was.

We had an argument last weekend over whether he told me we would leave Friday to see his friends rather than Saturday like we'd originally talked about. Honestly, my plate has been so full, if he did tell me that, it didn't register. He convinced me that me meeting his parents wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it was. I realized I was putting pressure on myself to fit him into my life, and apologized for freaking out (more panicked really...) He texted me the next day that we aren't to the point of meeting parents yet and he needed to think about how he feels about our disagreement. Fair enough. Didn't hear from him for a couple days...

We texted back and forth Friday night for a while. Then nothing until I texted him today and asked if he had a safe trip. He was visiting his parents. I was supposed to go with him, but I got stressed out about the end of semester crap and wasn't able to leave when he wanted to (Friday night), so I didn't go.

I went and saw my therapist today and told her that I felt like he just wasn't that into me, which made me angry because he should at least be a man about it, especially after I let him meet my kid, which I'd told him was a big deal to me. I had a good cry....the first one in a long time, not to mention in front of someone else...I decided that if I didn't hear from him by tonight I would text him telling him I'd really like to see him soon. He said okay we'd figure something out (schedules). And I told him if he didn't really want to see me could he at least let me know so that I could get some sense of closure. ---no reply.

I figure I will give him a couple of days to figure it out, but then I will call and let him know that I'm taking the lack of communication to mean he's not that into me and that I'm considering him uninterested.

I don't anticipate contact from him. It's a shame too....I really thought he was mature enough to handle a relationship. And I was starting to let my guard down. Hell, I was actually think about sleeping with him, which given my 5 year abstinence (by choice), says a lot in and of itself. Oh well. He just added to my list of "what I'm not looking for in a guy" qualities. Helped me set the bar a little higher.

So given all that, my theme song of the night is Turning Tables by Adele.

"... if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best..." Marilyn Monroe

Yes, I know....the quote is a bit cliche, even for me....but it captures exactly how I feel right now.

I don't even know where to start...

I'm angry. I'm hurt.

Dating....men....the whole "trying to find someone" thing....

...love...

....it's become some big game, that somehow I never learned the rules to.

It's so infuriating that you can date someone for a while....think you're getting to know them....trust them more and more....let them in.....let down your guard....see them.....really see them, flaws and all....and accept them....but when they see just one part of you they don't like, they bolt.

Why do we (women) settle?

The double standard of the dating game really pisses me off....that after a month of dating he can break wind or scratch his balls in public, and we're supposed to just be like "guys will be guys"....(as if it's remotely attractive)...we're not to give it a second thought....we just accept it...

.....that he can spend hours on end talking about his fantasy baseball team and how disappointed he is in so-in-so's performance, or how he needs to trade this guy for that for whatever reason ... and we listen intently....(we aren't remotely interested, but just enjoy being with him)

...and then....we share with him our most vulnerable self....stressed out-near tears- just in need of someone listening ...or perhaps just a shoulder to cry on-- we're dismissed......we're just being emotional.....we must be PMSing....we're over-reacting.....reality is too much for him to handle....(we should have been clued in to this fact with his fantasy obsession)....

How is it we (women) are supposed to accept him (men)...every ball-scratching, belching in public, sports is life, wind-breaking part-- without question(!).....but we aren't allowed the same in return?

We aren't allowed to be human: If we're angry we're a bitch. If we're sad, we're PMSing....if we break under the stress of trying to fulfill our roles as mother, daughter, wife, sister, employee, student, etc...etc...we must be crazy....or at the very least be labeled as "bad".

Why is it that men just get to "be"...and we have to "be"...conditionally?

Constantly critiqued, judged, and monitored for the slightest defect....

“It takes half the amount of time you dated someone to get over them.”--Sex in the City quote

So, I started dating a guy the first week in May. After a almost 5 year hiatus from dating, sex, and intimacy of any kind, I decided to take a chance on a guy that one of the gals in my masters program knew. Everything seemed to be going well. We talk openly and honestly about everything. He's met my daughter and she really likes him. (This is the first man I have introduced her to since we left her father....about 5 years ago...). He has a job, his parents are married, he makes me laugh, and I feel good when I spend time with him.

....and I think I may have scared him away. I have been so stressed out about all this end of semester stuff for school. I haven't been sleeping well, because I can't get my mind to stop making lists of everything still needing to be completed. I have no free time. I hadn't seem this guy in almost two weeks because of my schedule, his, and the fact that he had strep throat.

So I practically begged him to come over last night. He was hesitant because he knows I have been stressing over getting some homework done. I told him I was getting burnt out and needed a break. So he came over. It would have been great until he mentioned our plans for the weekend. He told me he wanted to leave Friday to go meet his parents instead of Saturday like I thought we had agreed to. He wants to go hang out with friends Friday in his hometown. This pushed my buttons. Being as stressed out about finding time to do it all I was planning on using Friday to get some work done so I could enjoy time with him. I shared as much with him. He said he had told me two weeks ago he wanted to leave on Friday. I told him I don't remember that being said....we didn't yell or fight exactly....but we definitely disagreed. I thought it was a quite mature disagreement. We didn't low-blow, or say mean things. It was an adult disagreement. Apparently, he didn't take it so well.

So today he texts me that maybe we aren't to the point in our relationship where meeting parents is a good idea. WTF?!? REALLY? This after he told me last night that the whole meeting parents thing isn't really that big of a deal to him (as in it doesn't mean anything) so I shouldn't stress.

So I have planned on spending my one Saturday off all month with him, and now he doesn't think I should go with him. He says this isn't his way of saying we shouldn't date, or whatever, but that's kind of the way it feels. Not to mention, every child-free weekend I have for the next month, he's out of town doing something.

I pretty disappointed. Kind of hurt. Definitely upset.

"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet."--Unknown

I am stressed.

School is kicking my ass, and it seems that it isn't going to get any better. I am doing my practicum (think clinical hours for those of you who just went, "wait, WTF is that?").

For my practicum I have to get 4 videos of me working with clients and 100 hours of direct and indirect client contact. I'm doing alright at hours. I may come up short, but not for lack of trying....and I've given up stressing over that...because...well, I'm doing everything in my control at this point. I finally got 2 videos of me working one-on-one with clients and I am supposed to show one to the class. Okay...cool, right?? NOT SO MUCH.

When I started the program they told us we had to buy a video camera to capture these videos as well as recording various other skill building exercises for review. There were two cameras recommended: a cheaper and a more expensive one. I went with the more expensive one, viewing it as an investment in my education.

So back to showing the videos....so we are supposed to show one to the class. Well, that would be all well and good, if the audio equipment in the classrooms wasn't completely jacked up! The feedback between the camera, which plugs in to the USB on the computer and the connection to the computer and the audio equipment buzzes so loud you can barely hear the video. Even I can figure the problem out and I'm by no means an AV nerd!!!

Now the teacher is telling us, with less than 4 class periods left in the semester, that "if" our video cannot be heard we have to fully transcribe the whole session! W-T-F?!?!?!? First of all, the videos play just fine on my computer. So did someone else's video that didn't fair so well last class on the crappy classroom equipment. So how is that her/my fault? Fully transcribing a session is a MAJOR undertaking. Could we not have figured out this was going to be a problem, be proactive, and give the students a little more notice? Fix the problem instead of passing the buck, as if the audio issue is the fault of the student and they therefore should have to work their asses off even more??

No.....I'm not just stressed.....I'm PISSED!