nightmares all night. Visuals of hatred, horror, and blood....self destruction....waking up in a panic...grasping at reality only to have it slip through my fingers as the next nightmare begins....
I'm losing my faith....how much pain can one individual tolerate before they give up? I keep pushing forward on faith, but nothing is changing....nothing gets better....the downward spiral continues....I'm ready for the bottom....the inescapable black hole in the end.
****Update: 8pm
Friend stopped by. gave me some Rx. It's all I can do not to take it all at once. So tempting, but alas, I need to prolong the numb....even though my body and mind are screaming for release. I have no one who gets it. no one to talk to. My friends are either in the dark as to my fucked-up-ness....or just as screwed up as me. I wish there was someone I could reach out to....without judgement or consequence. But there isn't.....I just want to sleep....soundly and without interruption.
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