Sinking feeling....

I feel like I'm in the midst of a panic attack. I'm so ready to move back to civilization and get the hell away from my step family and their abuse. I keep getting this feeling in my gut that I'm going to come home after work one day to find that she's burned down my house, changed the locks, or sold all my things.

It seems that now that I'm no longer doing what the step mother wants, I'm of no use to her and I'm back to being a second-class citizen. I wanted so badly to believe that step mom really wanted a relationship. I was so ready to believe that the only reason she treated me like shit for...well...the entire time I have known her, was because she was upset that my dad was cheating on her. I was so ready to forgive and try not to hold it against her; move forward.

I don't know what hurts more: the fact that I really wanted her to accept me like my father has accepted her children, or the fact that I, once again, allowed myself to get used, and now I look...and feel like the bad guy, even though I know I'm did what was best for me and mine; I put myself out there to help someone--family--and now that I need someone on my side, someone to comfort, help, listen to, and have my back, I'm left out in the cold.

And all I want is for my dad to tell her to back off, get her head on straight, leave me the hell alone, point out the fact that he has helped raise her children and this is the first time I've ever asked or needed their help, or stand up to her in anyway. I mean, I have lost a lot of respect for him this last year, with finding out that he's been cheating on her for the last 10-odd years. He hurt everyone doing that. But she's been putting him through hell all year. Either get help putting the marriage back together...which I'm not sure there ever was a marriage....or just leave her.

I'm to the point that once I get move, I really don't want anything to do with this mess anymore. I mean, I love my dad. Sadly, I really do, but if this is how he wants to live, that is his decision. I don't want any part of it. I am tired of trying to build a bridge only to have his psycho wife throw cannonballs at it every time she feels insecure. Fuck 'em. They can have each other. He doesn't understand how much it hurt me to say it, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm always the one to get sidelined or hurt when he can't take care of his business. I'm always number 2...or 3....or 4....or 5....I've never been even remotely at the top of his priority list. And it's probably better to cut my losses now, because I don't think I could handle it if he ends up dying before that woman. I know he's never thought about it, but I would have nothing but bad memories to remember him by if that happens...not a cowboy hat, jacket, nothing. She would make sure of that. I think it's better to erase him from my mind and my daughter's now; start building wall instead of bridges.