Igneous Rock

I've had some time to cool, and consulted my BFF's about the annoyance/disappointment the whole" he got a dog thing" has caused. They convinced me that I wasn't being selfish. That I was right to worry about how it would affect our relationship. It's nice that they agreed with me, but I still feel terrible. I have such a hard time sticking up for myself....or doing anything for myself, really.

Growing up I was expected to be the responsible, selfless, peacemaker. Now, I can't even buy myself a pair of jeans without going through the whole cycle of guilt, self-hate, self-condemning, and shame. I know it's irrational, but I don't know how to fight it.

I told him, more or less, how I feel about his new life commitment. Tried to express myself, down playing how much it was bothering him. I have such a hard time expressing myself to him when I disagree with him. Growing up, disagreeing wasn't allowed. Expressing any emotions except contentment and happiness (however feigned) was punished. I fear if I disagree with him he will compare me to his ex....which he still very much dislikes. I don't want the slightest association of me to her in our relationship....it's like my biggest fear. Mostly because I don't want him to run away. I'm still so scared he will.

I'm still struggling with the fear of not being enough for him. Every man that I have ever loved...has always left me...because I wasn't enough....and they've never told me why. My daughter's father cheated on me, and told me that he couldn't be in love with me. The man that I loved before him...told me out of no where that he didn't want a relationship and disappeared...and it's happened more times than I can count. I think things are going great in a relationship and I'm suddenly left in the dust....blind-sided....not good enough....So it goes without saying, that my fear is very real for me.