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Friday, October 5, 2012

Time to get away

Therapy has somewhat plateaued, not that I'm surprised. I have yet to meet a therapist who knows how to help. the current T wants me to walk down memory lane and become connected with my emotions, but the thought of that is so scary I just haven't been able to do it. I have put so much emotional distant between my past and my present, I don't even know where to begin to put the two together again.

In other news, I had a job interview this week. It went well. I kind of turned the tables on the interviewer and interviewed her. It was kind of fun. It's not my dream job....doubt I'll even be able to pay the bills with it....in fact, working again will actually create another bill--before and after school care for the kiddo. *le sigh*

Why can't I get ahead, just once!? I'm not asking for much....just to be able to maintain my modest...and borderline poverty stricken existence....I don't need a fancy car, I don't need a huge house with a white picket fence, I don't even need extra money at the end of the month....I just want to make ends meet without putting myself in the black....and it seems that's all I have done with my life. I want so bad to set a good example of a strong, independent woman for my daughter. I want her to remember me and feel proud of the stock she came from....I want to leave a legacy for her....and all I have to show for my efforts at the moment is a debt of $96,000 in school loan debt and no job to speak of....

The boy and I are doing well. He's really good for me. When he makes me laugh I feel what it's like to be truly happy and content in that moment: no regrets, no past haunting me, no dread of the future....just peace and joy.

We're going away for the weekend. I have a feeling this weekend will be a test of our relationship, as mother nature is not cooperating with our plans, so we will have to find fun with each other outside of the bedroom. I'm sure it will be an adventure, especially given my limited ability to contribute to the trip, and the fact that I hate allowing him to take on the financial burden of spending time together on his own. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so stubborn...and I'm sure he does too. I just hate feeling like I owe someone, and my distorted perception of relationships makes it hard for me to accept anything from anyone without feeling like I owe them. It would be nice to be able to believe that someone would do something kind for me just because they can, and want to, and that they like to see me happy....without expecting anything in return. Alas, I have yet to experience this.

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