~BeFuDdLeD~

The holiday season is upon us. I wonder if I'm the only one who dreads this time of year. Not only does my sleep schedule get off-kilter  because of this day light savings nonsense (and it is already pretty screwed, so this year should be loads of fun), but my family just plain stresses me out.

I'm the first child of five. The eldest, and all that means in every sense of what Alfred Adler taught about family constellations and birth order. But, I am also the black sheep. I was the first to leave; the first to finish college AND the only, one thus far to do so with no parental support of any kind. Now I'm about to graduate from grad school (also the first)....and....my family could seemingly care less....I sent them all a text letting them know the details of commencement (I had even told both parents in face-to-face conversations), and neither parent, or members of their respective families took note. Nothing....no response, no RSVP's...then at Thanksgiving they acted surprised that I was graduating next month when I mentioned it. Don't get me wrong, mom and dad will show up on graduation day, chests puffed out, patting me on the back, grinning ear to ear....but it's all for show....and it has nothing to do with them, and they will take all the credit.

Anyhow. New job, finally. Loving it so far, as I actually get to use my degree and knowledge. I actually get to help people and make a difference in the world. Its not providing counseling in the formal sense of the word, more like casework and counseling blended, but, minus the paperwork (writing progress notes--ICK!)....I pretty much love it. Scary thing is, I probably qualify for the services that the place I work for provides....and I have listened to clients' stories and felt like they were telling my own history...I am oscillating between feeling like I can really make a difference...and feeling like a complete fake. I am thankful though. I needed something to give me hope and financial security. I hope that this is where I am meant to be for now.

Bob and I are still together....if you can call it that really. I see him, maybe once or twice a week. Not much of a relationship really. I am finding myself caring less and less. I guess God did answer my prayers. I still care about him and love him, I'm just not in love with him. I barely see him. He's not pursuing me, and I'm all burnt out pursuing him. Doesn't matter much, as he doesn't appear to notice.

Truth be told, I kind of feel lied to. He's not who I fell in love with at all anymore. At first he was funny, and attentive, and sweet. He showed me his vulnerable side, but was still dark and mysterious, and sarcastically sexy. Now....he's just kind of a downer.... He's super negative about everything. And I don't mean negative, as in "I'm unhappy and just want someone to listen so I can get it off my chest and go back to being okay"-negative...not the way I kind of am on here, so I can get it out of my system and resume life.....no, I mean he doesn't have anything positive to say....I even tried to help him find something positive to talk about tonight (the first time seeing him in I can't remember how long)....and he almost got there...he showed me some web design he was working on for his new job...but then he started tearing it down. *sigh*

Have I meantioned that I am beginning to be terrified about meeting his kids because of the way he talks about them?? And I LOVE kids!! He rarely has anything nice to say about them....and having had little-to-no interaction with them this far, as per his request...all I can picture are dysfunctional, misbehaved, little terrors who have no discipline, manners, or boundaries base on his description of his time with them....I don't do the whole no discipline/respect thing.

My child is amazingly well-behaved. Sure, she has her moments, but, anymore, they amuse me.  I use the love and logic style of parenting which allows her to be responsible for her choices and I get to be a guiding influence instead of a ball of anger being the enforcer or a tired mess trying to be the puppeteer. Bob talks about not being able to do anything else but chase after the kids and try and keep them from "killing each other" when he has them....I just can't fathom being like that. So I am torn between wanting to meet them and be a model for him....kind of boost his parenting self-esteem and prove to him it can be done, and they will still love you, even if they don't like you all the time...and wanting to "peace out" and run for the hills.

Mostly, I feel sorry for the kids, because, for his accounts, it doesn't sound like they are getting any sense of responsibility for self or self control....I predict some very stressful teenage years are ahead for their parents....and do I really want that influence on my own kid? I would hope she'd be a good influence on them...but...why chance it?

I don't know. The more I think about a future with him...the less I see him in my future...(hell, it's not like I see him much now anyhow, and we're only 4 months into the relationship)....I think I might just like him as a friend or "F" buddy....he just isn't...he isn't reliable...and everything in this relationship is still all on his time...when he wants to/has energy/has nothing else to do.....I doubt he will even remember my birthday, as he has yet to show any capability of forethought or planning. I am getting really, really close to walking away...without saying goodbye.

And I hate that he is making a liar out of me. Part of me is really starting to hate him a little....or at least resent him a bit. I am trying so hard not to be the person I have been in relationships in the past...the one who walks away when it gets rough....I have told him....promised him... I'm not going anywhere....and I want to be with him....but he's not who I fell in love with...I don't love the man he is right now...this depressed, pathetic, shell...and he's not doing anything I can see to make his situation better....instead he has become more bitter...and hateful....just plain mean in the comments he makes sometimes....

I just don't know what to do. I want to be there for him. He doesn't seem to want me, or won't let me be....

I'm not going to put my life on hold. If I find someone who is better for me....I just might take that chance....and I don't think Bob will even care....or notice...sadly.

"Real loss... only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself." Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting

So, I am back. Again.

Funny how I just told my T this week that I haven't been writing...haven't really felt the need...or motivation...or passion...I don't write when things are going okay....I guess it's the artist in me. Great writing...not that mine will ever be considered great...but it's hard to enjoy art: writing, music, painting...if it isn't fueled by passion...and my passion comes from pain...So I guess, pain is a blessing...???

"When you're happy you enjoy the music, when you're sad you understand the lyrics."-Frank Ocean

I'm...conflicted and hurting....I cried myself to sleep last night....shortly after I prayed. Shit. Just. Got. Real.

I prayed that God either let me stop loving Bob....or allow Bob to understand that he's not treating me right and change his heart. And as much as I would love to have faith that God was listening....and will allow me what I really want: Bob to stop treating me as an option...stop putting me on the back burner...Stop taking for granted that I'm not going anywhere (he has an admitted habit of self-sabotage)..and to treat me the way I deserve (yea, I said it! I deserve to be treated as if I matter)....I have a feeling that as per usual with my requests to The Big Guy, I will remain unheard....my prayers unanswered....and as with every father figure....and hell... every man that has ever been in my life, period...I will remain insignificant, unimportant....and a foot note.

But I want to have faith....I want to believe that I am worth it....that Bob will get it...go back to being the man I fell in love with. The man who wanted to be here...and I knew it because he was. He was here, without excuse. He made plans, on his own, without reminder, to spend time with me. He made time. He had his priorities right, and I was close to the top...He did what he had to do to be here...and it felt amazing. I felt important. 

I want to have faith...I want to be patient. I have a history of walking away....pushing people away....because if you never let anyone in, there are no expectations....no chance of getting hurt...no disappointments. But I don't want to do that with Bob. I want to be better for him....and I have never been with anyone that made me want that. I haven't cut in almost 10 weeks....although it's not for him....it's because I want to be better because of him....at least the him that I fell so head-over-heels in love with....THAT him....the attentive man who paid attention to detail...enjoyed learning about me...allowed me to learn about him...shared his darkest secrets...was vulnerable (how is it that men still don't understand that being honestly and genuinely vulnerable with a women is sexier than the best sex or most passionate kiss?) with me.

I constantly I'm in a double bind in this relationship. If I walk away, tell him I'm not happy, tell him how I feel....he goes into victim mode (low self esteem issues I know all too much about, first hand and personally): "I'm not worth her time" "She deserves better." "I just need to let her go, I want her to be happy, and I can't make her happy."....and then I hurt for being selfish...for being demanding...for being unhappy....I am the bad guy.....Mind you, he's never actually told me I'm being selfish, am too much work, am demanding, but the subtext of his victim/martyr mode tells me these things....push my defensive button of beating myself up....And if I say nothing...I remain unhappy, but I have him....when it's convenient....for him....

And I feel alone....and more insignificant than if I was not in a relationship. Like being in a room full of people, and yet none of them look at you...talk to you...or acknowledge your existence.....and even though it hasn't quite become that extreme with him....I often wonder if I stop making it easy for him, if anything would change for the better: If I stopped asking to skype...asking when I can see him....texting him....if I matched the effort he's putting in...stopped making him a priority in my life...what would become of us?

What is really concerning is that I have been thinking about doing the most out-of-character, hurtful things. Like saying things, that may be true, but would push all of his buttons at once....or cheating on him with my ex..because if I'm going to feel insignificant, I may as well get good sex out of it....and the fact that if I called my ex...he'd actually drop everything to be here for me....sex or no....But that's not who I want to be. I don't want to self-destruct. I don't want to hurt Bob. I love him. But I'm hurting...he's hurting me....and I want him to feel it too....maybe then he would try...would fix it....but that's unrealistic....that only happens in soap operas and teen melodramas. 

And so begins another extensive stretch that I won't be able to see him. Last time was ten days....and it wasn't that we couldn't have seen each other....it was that he didn't make time to come to me...and I had my child...making going to him impossible.

This weekend he's going out of town, so I won't even get to see him for the hour during Sunday service....and then he has his kids until next Thursday. I haven't seen him in two...and not because he had his children, but because he didn't care enough to make the time. He goofed off, didn't do what he needed to do, didn't think ahead, and so his excuses appeared to be reasonable and valid at first glance: "I have homework" "I need to do x, y, and z" "I'm tired" (uh..yeah! you wouldn't be if you didn't dick around on the computer until 1am doing nothing productive, duh!), but then I notice the amount of time throughout the day that he plays games online...or takes the time to find something funny to post on Facebook...and I realize that his excuses...his lack of doing what he needs to do thing...manage his time wisely....is just another validation of how low on his list I am....

.... And so.....I'm beginning to realize that if he wanted to be with me....he would be here....with me.
And yet, I keep hoping that he will surprise me....even with the smallest of gestures....and be reliable...and consistent....and I think that's what hurting me the most....the hope...and then the fall: getting disappointed.

So I will continue to pray, unheard prayers....and cry myself to sleep.